Back To Us (24 page)

“That’s
not
what happened.”

“Then tell me what did, because I just don’t get this.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.” I sighed. “We got into a big fight. Justin wanted to spend the weekend together and I told him no.”

“Why?”

None of this was any of Jeff’s business, but I answered him anyway. I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. “Did Justin tell you that I asked him if he wanted to move in together?”

“No,” Jeff replied, sounding genuinely surprised.

“Well, I did. And he said no. Do you want to know why?”

“Yeah.”

“He doesn’t want me to be the one who helps him through whatever happened to him in Afghanistan. He has your mother for that, your mother who hates me. And I just couldn’t deal with wondering if Justin will
ever
love me or trust me enough for us to have more than an occasional weekend together.”

“And that’s what you told him?”

“It’s what I tried to tell him. But he wouldn’t listen. He got it into his head that I didn’t want to be with him, and I was using your mother as an excuse to break up with him.”

“Because that’s what he really thinks.
Damn,
” Jeff swore under his breath. “I don’t know what to do. Justin’s a mess. My mom called a few days after you two broke up and told me to come back home. Justin smashed up his room and locked himself in and she couldn’t get him to come out.”

“Jeff, I’m so sorry.”

“Do you still love my brother?”

“I do,” I said practically choking on the words. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“He was a different person after the two of you started dating, did you know that? After everything that happened in Afghanistan, he was so depressed. He hardly ever left the house because he was so embarrassed about his legs. Then he started working at the community center and he seemed better, but you were the one who brought the light back into his eyes. Without you, it’s gone again.”

A tear slid down my cheek. I ached for Justin. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Can you call him?”

And then what?
“If Justin can’t bring himself to trust me and believe in me, then it’ll never work between us. I get it that’s he’s hurting, but I am, too.”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re right. It’s just that ever since Justin and his ex-fiancee broke up, he’s convinced himself that no girl could ever want him the way he is now.”

“Even after being together for almost a year he still believed that about me. I could call him now and convince him to take me back, but he won’t trust me now any more than he did before.” I loved Justin with all my heart, still did, but it hurt knowing he didn’t believe it. Every cell in my body was shouting at me to call Justin, to find a way back to him, but then what? All of our problems would still be there and when we got over the high of being back in each other’s arms they would just rear their ugly heads again.

“You know I have a ton of my own issues so I’m the last person who should be judging anyone else, but I think what Justin really needs is to go back to counseling,” I said.

“At least you and my mother agree on something. The problem is, Justin doesn’t.” Jeff let out a sigh. “I don’t know what to do, but I’ll figure something out. I’m sorry I yelled at you, Jesse.”

“It’s fine. I get it, you love your brother.”

“For what it’s worth, the rest of us Lamberts really liked you. James and my dad, they thought you and Justin were the perfect fit.”

So did I.

For the next few days after my conversation with Jeff, I held on to the hope that he’d talked to Justin and somehow convinced him that the two of us were worth fighting for. After a week passed I let that hope go, and mourned the end of me and Justin again. Towards the end of May the scar left behind by my break-up with Justin was still so raw that when Mrs. Connor called to ask if I wanted to work at the community center again over the summer I had to tell her no, even though I wanted to, badly, but the idea of seeing Justin every day and not being able to touch him and hold him and kiss him was too hard. Instead, I settled for a job waiting tables at a small restaurant a few blocks from my apartment. With tips it actually paid better than what I had made last summer, but I hated it, especially on weekend nights when the bar filled up with a bunch of drunk idiots.

Every day seemed the same. It had been almost three months without Justin, and I still felt lost and broken. Each morning I woke up telling myself that things would get better, but as the days rolled by, I wasn’t sure that was true anymore.

“Why is what I want out of a relationship more important than what Justin wants?” I asked my brother one morning, a rare one when he was actually around. I still second-guessed my decision not to call Justin all the time. I missed him so much that I was almost willing to go back to the way things were and accept that as my future. At least Justin was in it somewhere.

“Who said it was?” My brother turned to face me, coffee mug in hand. He lifted it to his lips and took a sip before continuing. “The thing is, Justin has the same right to demand from you what he wants as you do, but neither of you is obliged to give it. I think the couples that wind up working out are the ones who are okay with each other’s wants.”

“How the hell did you get to be so smart?”

“Believe it or not, I’ve been where you are before, wanting something from someone that they just couldn’t give.”

“Oh really? Does Mel know about that?”

“Yeah. We talk about our old relationships, it’s better than pretending that no one existed before we met each other.”

“And you don’t get jealous?”

“I kind of do, sometimes, but I don’t think Mel does. She knows she’s the only one for me.” My brother gulped down the last bit of his coffee before setting his cup down on the kitchen counter. “I wish I could stay and talk some more, but I really gotta get going, or I’ll be late for work.”

“Hey, before you go, I need a favor.”

“What’s up?”

“There’s this book I need for one of my fall classes and they don’t have it at my school’s bookstore but they have it at yours. . .”

“And you want me to pick it up for you?”

“Actually I was thinking that maybe we can meet over by Hunter and get lunch together sometime this week?”

“What about today? I can meet you at around one.”

“Okay.”

I didn’t have to be at work until four thirty so at least it gave me something to do. I wound up at the meeting spot my brother and I had decided on almost a half hour early. There was no shade to be had and it was crazy hot outside. So hot that I decided to duck into a nearby air-conditioned store and pretend I was actually going to buy something, but then I heard my name being called. I turned to see who it was.

I was surprised to see Jeff jogging towards me. He greeted me with a hug.

“What are you doing around here?” I asked.

Jeff looked at me like the answer was obvious. “I don’t live that far from here.”

“Yeah, right. I know that.” For some reason I’d blocked that piece of information from my head. But it was a weekday, which meant Justin was at work, so there was no chance of running into him.

“How’s Justin doing?”

“He’s better, I think. After I spoke to you Justin and I had a talk. Or at least I talked and he listened. I didn’t think anything I said really made much of a difference until my mom called me a few weeks after to tell me Justin was moving out.”

“What?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right. “Justin’s getting his own place?”

“Already did, he was able to find a handicapped friendly apartment and moved last week.”

“That’s great,” I said, trying my best to muster a smile. I wanted to be happy for Justin. He clearly was doing a much better job moving on with his life than I was. “I’m glad he’s doing well.”

I stared down at my feet. Jeff reached for my arm and I looked back up at him. “He’s better, but he’s not the same. The light in his eyes hasn’t come back. I really think you’re the only thing that can make that happen.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. He hasn’t called, not even once since he walked away from me.”

“He’s waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“To be the man you want him to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“You had faith in him. At least that’s what he told me. He said that’s why he was moving out, because you believed he could do it, and, if you believed in him then he owed it to you to believe in himself.”

“He really said that?”

Jeff nodded, “Yeah.”

From the corner of my eye I spotted my brother approaching. “Sorry I’m late, J,” he said as he came to stand beside me.

Jeff glared at my brother. It took me a second to realize what he was thinking.

“Umm, Jeff, this is my brother, Mike.” I turned to look at Mike who’d stuck his hand out and was shaking Jeff’s. “This is Justin’s brother, Jeff.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jeff said, looking relieved. Maybe Justin was over us, but it seemed like Jeff still had hope that the two of us would get back together. “You guys do kind of look alike,” he commented.

“You ready, J?” My brother asked. “I have to be back at work in an hour.”

“Yeah. Let’s go.” I turned to give Jeff a kiss on his cheek. “Tell Justin I said hi.”

“You should tell him yourself.”

For days after my run in with Justin’s brother I thought about what he’d said, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone. I was glad Justin was on his own, but I worried about him being okay. We’d known each other for almost a year, but I still didn’t know that much about his day-to-day life at home. I’d seen him put on his prosthetic limbs once or twice, but that was about the extent of things. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know, Justin was always so guarded about the whole thing that every time I asked him a question I felt like I was crossing a line and intruding where I wasn’t welcome.

The weekend came and I stopped by Susan’s for a movie night. She’d gotten absurdly nauseating to spend time around since she and Greg had gotten engaged. They were getting married in October, and every conversation seemed to revolve around wedding plans. Truthfully, I was happy for her, but hearing her gush about her boyfriend made me miss Justin more than I already did.

“What’s with you?” She tossed a popcorn at me. “You’re quieter than usual.”

“I’m just thinking.”

“About what?” I shot her a knowing look. “Yeah, right.” She rolled her eyes. “Why did I bother asking? Justin is all you
ever
think about.”

“He is not,” I protested before explaining myself. “It’s just that I ran into his brother a few days ago.”

“Really?” Susan’s eyes widened. “What did he tell you?”

“That Justin moved out, he’s got his own apartment now.” I hesitated before continuing worried about what Susan would say. “He also said the light in Justin’s eyes hasn’t come back, and he thinks I’m the only one that can make that happen.”

“Okay, that’s pretty cheesy, but if it’s true, Jesse, I really think that maybe you should call him. I mean the main problem you had was wondering if he was going to stay at home and let his mother take care of him forever.”

“That wasn’t exactly the main problem. The main problem was wondering if he would ever trust me enough to leave home and let
me
be the one to help him when he needs it.”

“Well, you’re halfway there.”

“Justin finally believing in himself is huge, but just because he was able to do that, it doesn’t mean he’ll be able to believe in me, too.”

“But you won’t know if you don’t try.”

Hanging out with Susan had been a bad idea, I decided. Because, truthfully, all I needed was a push—not even a push, only the slightest nudge in Justin’s direction to break my resolve. I should’ve kept quiet about my run-in with Jeff, but it’s all I thought about that week and keeping it inside made thinking about anything else damn near impossible.

By Monday I realized I had no other choice but to take a chance and talk to Justin. And it couldn’t be over the phone, I had to see him in person. Maybe nothing would come of it, but I needed some kind of closure. Even though I’d been at work since close to midnight the night before, I got up early, put on the cutest sundress in my closet and hopped on the train. I stood in the shade of the community center’s awning waiting for a taxi to pull up and let Justin out. It felt like my heart was in my throat. I waited and waited. Taxi after taxi drove by, but none actually stopped. I began to wonder if Justin was ever going to show up, and then I heard my name being called.

“Jess.” I couldn’t bring myself to turn my head in Justin’s direction. He walked towards me. “Jess, what are you doing here?”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The last time I’d seen him he’d been so angry. His face was softer now, but I couldn’t read his thoughts. “You’re walking?” I said. Why had I let those be the first words out of my mouth?

“Yeah, well I haven’t learned how to fly yet.”

“But you always take a taxi.”

“Not anymore.” Justin paused before continuing. “You were right about a lot of things, Jess. There were so many things I was too afraid to do, but taking the subway turns out to be no big deal.” I smiled. Justin looked the same, but something about him seemed so different. “And since I’ve got my own apartment now and have to pay rent, I figured I should be a little more careful about spending money.”