Back to the Fuchsia (7 page)

“It just so happens that I’m allergic to all forms of the birth control pill, injection, anything. Lucky me! Right?”

“So condoms were pretty much your last option?” Lindsey asked, keeping the conversation on topic.

“Yup.” Jessica nodded. “And it scared the hell out of me. I can’t tell you how many times I’d been warned about condoms breaking. After hearing those horror stories, I was beginning to imagine the things were so fragile they were made out of tissue paper. So, I figured it’d be best to take matters into my own hands and buy some good quality ones, rather than have him trying to save a few bucks.”

Kelly raised her hand like she readied to testify on the stand. “I hear you there. One time, I was with a guy who bought some goofy looking thing from a vending machine in a gas station men’s room. He called it a French tickler. It had a little rubbery thing on the tip that looked like a Martian hedgehog. I was like, seriously? Who are you planning to fuck with that thing? E.T.?”

“Exactly the kind of thing I wanted to avoid. I needed to trust the condom. The last thing I wanted was for him to empty his sack of warm seed in me on accident.”

Ezzy choked on her beignet. “Brughub-guurble! Lords of darkness! Did you call it his seed? Who were you screwing? The gardener?”

“I don’t know. That’s what they call it in some of the books I read.”

“What the hell are you reading, the Farmer’s Almanac?” Ezzy amplified her sarcasm with the usual dramatic flair, her arms flung above her head.

“No! Romance novels, silly. So anyway, I went to the pharmacy and I got the extra strength ones.”

“Uh…extra strength condoms?” Randy’s eyebrows twisted up like two pipe cleaners on a preschooler’s art project.

“Uh huh. I guess I was inspired by Mom. You know, when she buys trash bags she insists on those super-strong force flex ones. The first ones I came across said ‘ultra-thin’ and those just sounded way too flimsy to hold back a stampeding herd of sperm. So I got the ones labeled Ultra-Double-Magnum. They just sounded tough, just like those extra strong trash bags. Seemed like a better choice than the ultra-thin.”

“Wait. Jessica. Ultra-Magnum describes the size, not the strength. They’re extra-large, to fit guys with zucchini-sized cocks.”

“Yeah, so I found out. Poor Dan, I think he felt intimidated. Really, he couldn’t even roll it on like the instructions said. He had to unroll it first, then pull it on like a sock that was too big. He said it felt like dropping a wiener in a Walmart bag. Christ. I had to wrap my hair scrunchie around the base to keep it from falling off. He felt so bad, he went as limp as a noodle.”

“Still, it’s got to be more reliable than the shoot and scoot method,” I noted.

“Shoot and scoot? I think you’ve got the whole ‘pulling-out method’ concept reversed, Gertie,” Lindsey said while poking a finger into her cupped hand.

That’s where I’ll end my recollection because the conversation went straight to the gutter from there.

Sorting It Out

“
I
’ve never had a dream so vivid.”

“Gertie, this is not a dream. I’m serious. We’ve both gone back in time. I don’t know how it happened, but I’m sure of it. Here, take my hand.”

Jessica’s hand was warm and tender. “Nice nails. Is that OPI’s ‘Pink Before You Leap’, or something new?” A lightbulb flickered in my head, then it flashed to full luminosity. A fear suddenly gripped my heart. “Brain damage! Jaysus!”

“Thanks. Um, haven’t seen Brain Damage or Jaysus before. This is ‘Kiss Me On My Tulips’. Nice, right? Love OPI.”

“It’s a nice color, Jessica, but I meant I’ve given myself brain damage from that poisoned potato salad. I could be stuck hallucinating like this forever.”

“It’s worse than brain damage. We’ve truly both gone back in time. My guess is we’re in England at the time of King Henry VIII. I don’t know how it happened, it just did.”

“Jessica, tell me exactly what you were doing before you came here.”

“Okay, but promise you won’t get mad?”

“Cross my heart. Go ahead.”

“Well, remember when I was at your place for Leigh’s wedding? I know I saw a Bigfoot on the edge of the woods. I told Randy and Kelly, but they just made fun of me. I know what I saw. Before I left, I saw a pair of those creatures. It looked like they were sharing something. I was pretty far away, but to me, it looked like they were taking turns drinking from a tall glass, with a straw. I tried to get closer, but they took off for the swamp.”

“Max’s bong.”

“What? Max’s bong? What do you mean?”

“Hunter’s dad, Max. When he visited the plantation last year, he left his bong for Wills and Kate. They’re my Sasquatches. They’re always carrying on with that thing. Whatever it is, they sure like to play with it.”

“Okay, now you’re making fun of me, too? You own a pair of pot-smoking Sasquatches? Come on, Gertie. Please just believe me.”

“I do believe you. I’m telling you the truth. There’s a whole bunch of stuff you don’t know about me, your cousins, or the Paranormal Plantation. I know it’s probably hard to comprehend, but I’m a witch. Leigh, Lindsey, Randy, Kelly, and Ezzy especially, we’re all witches. My old plantation is not just a bed and breakfast, it’s a shelter for paranormal creatures. Not just the Sasquatches. I have all sorts of magical critters: dragons, unicorns, pretty ponies, a Pegasus, and more. I even have a Nessie named Rebecca. Plus, it’s a shelter for cats. Lots and lots of cats.”

Jessica fell back against the wall and slid down to the floor.

“Wow. It all makes sense. The strange things I heard and saw there. I knew Bigfoot was real! That’s why I came back down there yesterday—er, that day in the future formerly known as yesterday. I wanted to sneak around the swamp and get the first verified proof they exist. I spotted two of them rummaging through your garbage cans. They were putting some sort of clothing on. Grunting and making all kinds of noise.”

“I knew I heard someone in the trash bins. But someone snuck in through the back door. Was that you?”

“The creatures went inside, made a lot of noise, then it was quiet. I waited a few minutes, but when they didn’t come out, I decided to take a peek inside. I wanted to get them on video so bad. I’m really sorry for sneaking in after them.”

“It’s okay. I suppose it’s completely understandable. So, what were they doing?”

“I have no idea. I didn’t see them. I walked as far as a table covered in paint cans. Some of it had spilled. I stepped in a little puddle of it. Next thing I know, I’m landing in an open field. I’ve been here for two days now.”

“You couldn’t have been here that long. I just came down to check on all the noise, found the spilled paint, and tumbled out into an open field, like you did. You must have been here only an hour before me.”

“No. I’m sure I’ve been here two days. But think about it. If we somehow fell through a time travel portal separately, we could have ended up decades or centuries apart. Lucky for us, we ended up this close together.” Jessica smiled.

“You’re absolutely right, Jessica. One should always look on the bright side. You mentioned stepping in some of the spilled paint. That paint is nothing Sherwin Williams came up with. It’s a special shade of fuchsia I created with witchcraft.”

“And we have to figure out how to get back home.”

“I have the feeling it’ll be more difficult than it was to get here. We should start by getting out of here and finding Darcy.”

“Who’s Darcy?”

“My familiar or witch-cat, as I like to call her. She came through with me, only she managed to escape into the woods when the Duke of something
-
or
-
another and his pack of hunting dogs happened upon us. What do you think of him? He’s awful cocky, but I have to admit, he certainly has the looks to back up his smart-talking mouth.”

“Oh, God, yes. He’s mouthwatering, but he’s more like the Duke of Cheesiness. If I hear him say, ‘That is what she sayeth’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the throat.”

Jessica paused, she silently looked off into the distance, like someone had flipped a switch and shut off her brain.

I knew that look. I do the same thing when I’m thinking really hard.

“What is it? I can tell you just figured out something important.”

“I was wondering why the portal brought us both to this particular place and time. I just realized something, Gertie. The romance novels I’ve been reading—uh, I have them here in my backpack.”

She rummaged around in her pack until she waved a book in each hand.

“Here are two Regency romance books: ‘Baring it for the Baron’ and something a little naughtier, ‘Dicked by the Duke’. Both of these stories are set in England, back in the days when Henry VIII went through wives like he was working his way through a box of Krispy Kremes. It’s the same era we’re in now. I don’t think it’s a coincidence, do you?”

“It can’t be a coincidence. No doubt in my mind. Books can have their own powerful magic, that’s for sure. For example, Leigh has a magic desk and everything she writes on it becomes reality. In this case, it’s completely different. You had the books, so that must have set the date and location for our time travel.”

“Thank God I wasn’t carrying a book set during the time of the black plague!”

“That’s for sure. All right, Jessica, we need to find a witch or wizard that might know a way to time travel home. I’m sure there are some here. The only problem is, they’ll be in hiding. I’ve read, back in the past, witchcraft was punishable by death. And I don’t know about you, but going back in time only to get burned at the stake wasn’t on my to-do list for today.”

“We better not try to escape right away, they’ll send those hounds after us. Then we’ll never find a witch or wizard.”

“Good point. So we just go along with the events here, all the while looking and listening for any clues or talk about magic. That should give us a place to start.”

Brain Drained

J
essica and I didn’t have to wait long before another astounding event occurred. One more familiar face arrived at our room, accompanied by several young women carrying dresses.

The red-haired newcomer was unexpectedly somber. “The king and a visiting monarch will be holding a feast tonight. These ladies have proper dresses for you.”

I winked at her and whispered, “Ezzy! Thank God you found us. Don’t worry, I won’t let them know who you are. Great disguise by the way.”

“Ezzy? Who is Ezzy? What in the world are you talking about?”

I smiled and replied with a knowing wink. Pulling Jessica aside, I let her in on our rescuer.

“Pssst. Jessica. This is my friend, Ezzy. I’m sure you remember her from the wedding. She must have figured out that we were missing and came for us.”

My eyes darted from one assistant to the next, a cautious reflex of mine.

“Obviously, Ezzy’s waiting until these other women to leave so she can tell us her plan.”

“Stop whispering! It’s rude,” Ezzy barked. “And don’t wink at me again.”

Of course, I winked again. She was really playing the part well. At least, that’s what I thought until she completely lost it.

“That’s enough! I don’t know what the duke thought by bringing you to court, either of you little tarts.”

Jessica immediately took up my defense. We stood shoulder to shoulder. “Don’t get your tits in a wringer, witch. I don’t know what you’re up to, but no stupid rescue plan requires you to be so mean to Gertie.”

“Rescue plan? You think I’m here to rescue you? You really are a lunatic. Ha. This is your lucky day. You’ve been selected as a mistress for the king. And you, Lady Worchestawhatever have been selected by the duke to visit his bed-chamber tonight, or to spend the night with the king’s guest of honor.”

“Would you listen to yourself? I know it’s you, Ezzy. You don’t even talk the same way the people here do. You don’t sound like you’re part of a Shakespeare play. You sound like you always have, as you should, of course. You’re from our time. How did you manage to go back to this place?”

Ezzy looked at me like a pineapple had just sprouted from my forehead. She turned to address the assistants. “Ladies, leave us.” The young women swiftly walked out of the room.

“I—I don’t know why. Tell me. What did you mean when you said I’m from your time? It’s as if you were saying you came from another time. What is it, the future?”

“Ding, ding, ding!” Jessica hopped up and down. “We have a new Jeopardy champion!”

“Ezzy, you seriously don’t know, do you? How long have you lived here?”

“My earliest memory is from six years ago. The duke picked me up from the wheat field. Apparently, I’d taken a very serious knock to the head. I didn’t even know my own name. The duke took me in and cared for me. So that’s really my name? Ezzy? Strange name.”

“Well, that’s what your friends call you. Your full name is Esmeralda Warren. You were born in 1629 at your parents’ farm in Salem Massachusetts. It gets even stranger than just your name, Ezzy. Somehow, you managed to survive the Salem witch trials—you’ve never explained that to me or anyone, that I know of.”

“Witch trials? I’ve never heard anyone mention that place. Why would I be concerned with surviving witch trials?” Ezzy suddenly backed away from me. “Witchcraft! Is that what this is? I’m under your spell! Release me and leave me alone. I promise not to accuse you.”

“Yeah. You’re a witch, witch,” Jessica interrupted.

“Ezzy, you’re not under my spell, technically speaking, it’s the Witches Union’s spell. This is all because that book of spells you loaned to me from the Union office. I needed a spell for magic paint.”

“A witch? Me? You two are both witches as well?”

“Gertie’s a witch. I’m a cryptozoologist. Not like certified or anything, but I produce my own podcast on cryptids, you know, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, and all that. It’s called
Beatin’ the Beast
. I’m also a waitress at Waffle Hovel. I used to be a Goth, but now I’ve gradually transitioned out of that. Not sure why. Probably because I didn’t really have a grasp on what I was supposed to do. It’s not like they have any structure or a user’s manual, for crying out loud. This is what Randy said to me, he said…”