Baby Love (33 page)

he forged on. "That's

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not to mention that some infections are contracted by the man without his having symptoms, and he has to take antibiotics so he won't infect his wife again every time he touches her.

What are you going to do? Hand me pills and not tell me why?"

"I can't see how that pertains to—"

"Trust me, it pertains. Your body and anything that goes wrong with it is my business from now on. You're my wife. I love you. Your health and well-being are extremely important to me.

Can you understand that?"

"Of course, " she agreed, her tone defeated.

"We're stuck up here. It'll be another twelve hours, at least, before we get home. You should express your milk every four. You haven't done that since yesterday before noon when we went to town. "

"No, " she admitted forlornly.

"If you don't do it now, it could create some big-time problems. Chances are, probably not.

But why push your luck? Engorgement, inflammation. You name it. You've drawn your milk all this time, hoping to nurse Jaimie again. You've finished taking your medication. You wanna risk blowing it now, just because you're embarrassed?"

"No. "

She pushed to her feet and moved reluctantly to stand beside him. Rafe knew he'd won only the battle, not the war. Strategy was called for, his aim being to make this as easy for her as possible while he conveyed to her the necessary information. He decided a little kidding around tossed into the mix wouldn't hurt. A laugh here and there, some teasing. If he kept the tone casual, she'd be better able to relax.

"Mom said this is actually easier than using a pump, " he told her. "And once Susan tried it, she never messed with a device again. This is quicker. "

"Trust you to know. "

Rafe let that one pass. He positioned her facing the table, and then he stood beside her, leaned slightly for-314 CATHERINE ANDERSON

ward at the waist, and cupped his hands in front of his chest. "You hold your"—she flashed him a warning look—
"thingamajig
like this. " He saw her roll her eyes again. "Well? What shall I call it, then? A doohickey?"

Her mouth twitched at the corners. "You're incorrigible. "

"But you love me anyway. " He glanced at her hands. "Are you going to do this? Or are you just going to stand there, turning interesting shades of red?"

She leaned forward and positioned her hands well away from her chest. "Now what?"

"You entering a taffy pull?"

She made an odd sound at the back of her throat that he hoped was a stifled giggle. He watched as she positioned her hands closer to her body.

He nodded. "That's it. Now you massage at the base with a forward motion. Mom said about ten times.

Gently,
Maggie. We're not kneading bread dough, for God's sake. "

A startled laugh escaped her. He grinned and winked at her. "Good. Now you move forward, closer to the

—" He hesitated. "What are we gonna call the tip?"

"The tip, " she replied, her voice taut with suppressed laughter. "Are you like this with everyone, or did I just get lucky?"

"You just got lucky. Do you think I'd make a fool of myself like this for just anybody?"

"I sincerely hope not. "

"It's a damned good thing. Tell Ryan I did this, and I'll wring your neck. A guy's got an image to uphold, and he'd never let me live this down. "

"I assure you that I'll never have occasion to discuss this with Ryan. "

She had relaxed, at least. He gave himself a pat on the back for sheer genius. "Now you squeeze about ten more times. "

"Will nine times do?"

He narrowed an eye at her. "You gonna be serious

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about this, or do I have to do it for you?"

"Touch me, and you're dead. "

He laughed under his breath. "For a woman who hasn't got any, you're damned territorial. "

"I never said I didn't have any. I simply prefer not to advertise it. "

He glanced at her blanketed front. "If that's what you call low profile, darlin', you're in trouble. "

She ignored the observation. "What next?"

He gave her explicit instructions, ending with: "And make sure you aim at the can. I'm checking it when I come back inside. "

"For what?"

"Yield. " He bent to kiss her cheek, which was so hot with embarrassment, he was half-afraid she'd go up in flames. "Any questions?"

She kept her face slightly averted. "No. I think I can handle it easily enough. Thank you. " She graced him with eye-to-eye contact for a brief moment. "When will your mom come back?"

He laughed again, appropriate reaction or not. "Trust me. I'm the better confidant. Ask her for advice, and she'll bring it up at the dinner table, with Dad and Rye throwing in their two cents' worth. You can count on me to keep my mouth shut. "

"Your dad and Ryan?" she repeated, her expression appalled again.

"In my family, nothing's sacred. Guard your secrets well, or they'll be the best-kept secrets this side of Texas. It's kind of nice, actually. " She averted her gaze again. "Maggie, it's silly to be embarrassed about this. Like I've never noticed you've got breasts? You're definitely packing. That was one of the first things I noticed about you. "

She gave him another of those appalled looks. "It was?"

"Absolutely. "

"What else?"

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"What else what?"

"What else did you notice about me?"

He winked at her. "Those beautiful eyes. They were the first thing. One look, and I was a goner. I just didn't have the good sense to stop kicking. "

"And? What else about me did you—like?"

"You really don't want to know. "

"Yes, I do. "

"That world-class ass of yours, " he whispered. "And those gorgeous legs. " He grabbed his jacket from the bench. He paused at the door, gave her a slow, sweeping glance, and grinned. "If you have problems, call me. I'll be right outside. "

"I won't need you, " she assured him again.

Rafe could hope. If she did, he wasn't sure who'd suffer the most, him or her.

Thirty minutes later when Rafe reentered the cabin, Maggie was sitting on the cot with a blanket still around her shoulders. Now, however, he glimpsed the red sleeve of an undershirt and guessed she was covered again, top to bottom.
Hallelujah.
"Everything go all right?"

She nodded, and when he glanced at the can, she said, "Don't bother looking. I dumped it down the sink.

" She waited a beat, and then, in an obvious attempt to change the subject, said, "What'd you do outside?"

He'd spent the last fifteen minutes of exile sitting on the generator freezing his buns off. "Just this and that. Mostly, I worked on the generator. " He stepped to the sink, pumped some water into the washbasin, and scrubbed his hands. "It needed oill and some minor adjustments. I figured I'd better tend to it in case we need to use the phone again. The DC outlet is the only way to power it up. "

He grabbed a towel off the shelf above the sink, turning as he dried his hands. Studying his wife, he decided she looked miserably nervous, either in anticipation of their talk or because she feared he'd want to take advantage of the isolation here to make love. He drew off his jacket and hung it in front of the stove beside hers to let it finish drying. Then he added some wood to the firebox.

"Maggie, I'm not going to jump you just because you

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mentioned you no longer dread the thought of having sex with me. "

She blinked. "Did I say that?"

He dusted his hands on his jeans and moved slowly toward her. "Yes, you did say that. When we were in the Expedition talking. Remember?"

She fiddled with the folds of the blanket. "I guess I did, didn't I?"

"You regretting the statement?"

"No. I am, mostly. "

"You are mostly what? Regretting it?"

"No, mostly ready. "

Rafe sat on the edge of the cot and braced his forearms on his knees.
Mostly?
What the hell did that mean?

"Before we worry about making love and when we're going to, I think we need to have that talk, " he told her.

She nodded.

"Main topic, Lonnie, as unpleasant as that may be. I want you to tell me everything, Maggie. No more secrets, please? I'd specifically like to know why on earth you feel he didn't rape you. I know damned well he did. "

Her eyes darkened and the color drained from her face. "Is that why you don't care about what I told you, because you don't believe it's true?"

Rafe released a weary breath. "No, I meant exactly what I said earlier. Insofar as our marriage goes, your past sexual relationships really don't matter to me. If you screwed the entire Seattle Seahawks football team, including the coach and water boy, I honestly don't care. That has no bearing on my feelings for you, or on yours for me. The reason I'm asking about Lonnie, specifically, isn't because it makes a difference to me if you slept with him—willingly or not. But because it's bothering you. "

Silver-tongued, he definitely wasn't. Being up front about everything was proving to be a real bitch. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

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"Did that make any sense?"

She pressed her lips together, saying nothing for a long moment. Then her eyes filled and her chin started to quiver. "You really, really don't care? I mean—he wasn't just anybody. He was my stepfather. Just like you're Jaimie's. It's so ugly—almost incestuous, even if we aren't actually related. "

"I don't think there's any comparison between my feelings for Jaimie and Lonnie's for you. I love Jaimie, and I can't believe Lonnie Boyle has feelings for anyone but himself. Incestuous, yes. In my books, it was.

He broke every code of decency when he touched you. But that was his sin, never yours. " He cupped her chin in his hand. "Sweetheart, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, barring none. I love
you,
not your past history. I'm not exactly uncharted territory. You gonna throw me back because I've been with other women?"

A tear rolled onto her cheek and shimmered in the lantern light like a diamond on ivory satin. "Of course not. " She gulped. "Have you been with lots?"

He chuckled. "Promise not to hold it against me?" At her nod, he said, "Then the truth is, I don't have many notches on my belt. I met Susan when I was pretty young, and even before we got married, I was never unfaithful to her. After she died, I never looked at another woman until I met you. " He winked at her. "I'm damned near a virgin, so be gentle. "

She gave a startled laugh that ended with a wet sob, and then, before he guessed what she meant to do, she launched herself at him. Rafe caught her to his chest, his heart breaking a little at the desperate way she clung to his, neck.

"Tell me again, " she whispered. "That it doesn't matter about Lonnie. "

He tightened his arms around her. "It doesn't matter. Never has, never will. I love you, Maggie. There's nothing,
nothing,
you can tell me that will ever make me stop loving you. I mean that. "

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She shuddered and pressed closer. "I was never with the Seahawks. "

He laughed and curled a hand over the back of her head. Dear God, how he loved her. His feelings for her ran so deep, even his bones seemed to ache when he held her. "Seriously? I never would have guessed. "

"Only Lonnie, " she whispered, "and I
hated
it. "

That came as no surprise, either.

"He always hurt me, and I—" She broke off and turned her face against his neck. "I never wanted to.

Never. "

"But you let him?" Rafe asked cautiously.

Her body went rigid, and for a moment, she stopped breathing. "Yes, " she finally admitted brokenly. "I was afraid. I was so afraid. He went crazy when I refused him. He said I was his.
His. "
Her breath snagged and she shrank closer to him. "He was so obsessively jealous he wouldn't even let me take the Pill so I wouldn't get pregnant. He thought if I was safe, I might mess around with men I met at work, and the thought made him crazy. I went behind his back once and got a prescription. When he found out, I thought he'd kill me. He took me down by the river—to this isolated place he knew—and—" She made a strangled sound. "He was so furious, he choked me. I couldn't get away. Finally I blacked out. When I came to, he was leaning against the car, smoking a cigarette. He said it was a good thing I woke up because he was about to chunk me in the water. He didn't act as if it even bothered him, thinking I might die. He would've preferred that, I think, to letting anyone else touch me. After that, I never dared take anything to protect myself again. "

Rafe stroked her hair. "And that's how Jaimie came to be. "

She nodded. "I'm lucky it didn't happen a lot sooner than it did. It's been three years since he added on to the back of the house so I had my own room. "

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"Your own room?" Rafe circled that, not entirely sure how it related.

"Before then, I shared with Heidi. He looked at me funny up until then, but he never did anything. It was only when I was sleeping at the back of the house, where he knew Mama couldn't hear, that he started—

waking me up at night. "

Rafe's stomach lurched. He tightened his arms around her. "And after you had your own room—did he wake you a lot?"

She shivered. "Yes. " She fell quiet for several seconds. "I suppose you find it disgusting that I didn't leave. You probably think I'm one of those weak people who allow themselves to be victims. "

He closed his eyes. "No, Maggie. You're one of the strongest people I know. If you stayed, I know you had a reason, and I think I know what it was. "

"He said if I left, Heidi would be next. That she was almost old enough. " Her voice went shrill. "I went to legal aid then. Tried to get custody of her. But the lawyer said I didn't stand a chance until I could prove Lonnie had actually done something to her. Proof. They needed proof. It was my word against his. He even kept me home from work when I had bruises. How could I get proof?"

"So you stayed—subjecting yourself to the abuse, rather than let him victimize Heidi. " Rafe felt physically sick.

"After seeing the lawyer, I took Heidi and tried to leave. That time I used the car. It was in Mama and Lonnie's name, but I made the payments, so it wasn't like I really stole it or anything. "

"What happened?"

"Lonnie reported it missing, and the cops pulled me over. Lonnie came and took us back to Prior. He was so mad, I thought he'd kill me that time. A part of me almost wished he would. "

Rafe had experienced that feeling himself a time or

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two. "And you were right back where you started, with Lonnie visiting your room."

"Yes. He started coming again, and just like before, when I told him no, he'd become so enraged, he'd beat me up. I couldn't scream. I was terrified if I did that Mama or Heidi might hear, and I was afraid he'd kill one of them if they burst in."

He squeezed his eyes closed again, his heart breaking for her. Recalling the bruises he'd seen on her body, he knew Lonnie had pulled none of his punches. "Ah, Maggie. How could you help but scream?"

"I pulled my pillow over my face."

"What?"

"My pillow—to muffle the noises I made."

His stomach lurched, and nausea slithered up the back of his throat.

"And after he beat you up," he managed to say. "Then he would rape you?"

She went unnaturally still. "No," she whispered. "Then he'd leave."

Rafe felt sure he hadn't heard her correctly. "Leave?"

"He always came back. Sometimes the same night, sometimes the next. He told me he'd never had to rape a woman, and he wasn't going to start with me. That when he came back, my attitude better be improved or he'd give it another adjustment."

Rafe could feel her tears slipping down his neck. He began to rock her and massage her back. "And when he came back, rather than take another beating, you did what he wanted."

It wasn't a question. Rafe could see it so clearly, and the pictures that took shape in his mind made him want to do murder.
Whenever he wanted, however he wanted. You name it, I did it,
she'd told him that afternoon. At the time, he couldn't conceive how that might have been possible, not with Maggie. But he understood now. Imagining her, pressing the pillow over her mouth to stifle her screams ... Oh, God. He wanted to hold her

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tight and never let her go. Until this moment, Rafe had known Lonnie was sick, but he hadn't realized just how sick.

"I had to do what he wanted or he would hurt me again. He'd never stop until I gave in. The worst part was, if hurting me didn't work, he'd threaten to go to Heidi's room. She was so little. I was so afraid he'd do it."

The whole ugly story came pouring from her then, the details so sordid that Rafe cringed.

To rape a woman was horrible enough. Rafe could think of few things that were worse. But for the bastard to beat her into submission and then return later so he could pretend she wanted it?

A sob erupted from her, wet and tearing, the sound coming from so deep within her that it frightened him.

"Oh, sweetheart. Don't. Please, don't. It wasn't your fault."

If she heard him, she gave no sign of it. Rafe cradled her against him, rocking more violently, yearning to make her hurting stop, but not knowing how. So he let her cry. Until she lay limp against him. Until she ran out of tears. Until an awful silence settled over them— demanding that he say something. Only, heaven help him, he couldn't think what.

When he finally did speak, he was so focused on her and her pain that the words came instinctively. "I love you, Maggie girl. I didn't think anything could make me love you more than I already did, but this has. Do you have any idea how extraordinary you are?"

"Extraordinary?" she echoed faintly.

"Extraordinary. Wonderful. Amazing. That you stayed there—for Heidi. And that you never let the bastard break you. I'm so proud of you, knowing that. Most people wouldn't have taken the beatings, over and over. He tried his damnedest to break your spirit, to strip you of your dignity and take you to your knees—and you never allowed him to win."

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He felt her grow unnaturally still. After a moment, she made tight fists on his shirt. "Oh, Rafe. He won every time. That was the nightmare."

He pressed his nose against her hair, which smelled of wood smoke, evergreen boughs, and the scent that was exclusively Maggie's. "No, sweetheart,
no.
He never really won, not in any way that counts."

The clench of her arms became almost frantic. "I feel so sick inside. When I think about the things I did, I feel like worms are crawling around inside of me. An awful, dirty feeling I can't wash off."

"Ah, Maggie." Rafe felt as if a sock had been shoved down his windpipe. His larynx refused to budge when he attempted to swallow. He damned near choked trying to clear his throat. "You can't wash away those kinds of feelings with soap and water."

"I know," she said hollowly. "I've tried. Scrubbed until my skin was raw. It never worked."

Tears filled his eyes. He twisted to lie on his back, drawing her down with him. He pulled the blankets over them, his hand threaded through her hair to cradle her head on his shoulder. "When you're ready, we'll wash that feeling away together."

"With what?" she asked warily.

He smiled, aware even as he did that tears were trailing down his cheeks and into her hair. "Trust me, I've got just the cure. There's only one way to get rid of bad memories, Maggie girl, and that's to make beautiful new ones."

"Oh, Rafe, I wish I could believe that."

His heart caught at the desperation he heard in her voice. "Well, believe it then. Have I ever lied to you?"

"No."

"Well, then? What seems dirty or ugly or frightening with someone else seems magical and perfectly right with the person you love, Maggie. You do love me. Don't you?"

"Oh, yes."

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