B0040702LQ EBOK (24 page)

DAY 9

0.01 (local time) Landing executed without difficulty.
Conventional propulsion (augmented). Speed of landing: 6.30
on the conventional scale (restricted). Speed on touchdown: 4
on the Minus-UI scale, or 9 on the Molina-Clavo scale. Cubic
capacity: AZ-0.3.

Landing-place: 630 (110) 28476394783639473937492749.

Local name for landing-place: Sardanyola, Catalonia, Spain.

07.00 In response to orders (mine) Gurb preparing to
initiate contact with local life-forms (real and potential). As
we are travelling in acorporeal mode (pure intelligence -
analytical factor 4800) arrange for him to adopt a form
analogous to that of the inhabitants of the area. Objective:
to avoid attracting the attention of native fauna (real and
potential). Having consulted the Astral Catalogue of Assimilable
Forms (Earth) ACAF(E), select for Gurb the form of the
human being designated Marta Sanchez.

07.15 Gurb exits spaceship via hatchway 4. Weather fine,
light southern wind; temperature, 15 degrees centigrade;
comparative humidity, 56 per cent; sea, calm.

07.21 First contact with an inhabitant of the area. Information received from Gurb: height of individual, 170 centimetres; cranial circumference, 57 centimetres; number of eyes:
two; length of tail, 0.00 centimetres (no tail). It communicates
by means of a language of tremendous structural simplicity,
but immensely complex utterance, since enunciation involves the use of internal organs. Level of conceptualisation minimal.
Designation of individual, Lluc Puig i Roig (reception
probably defective or incomplete). Biological function of
individual: professor (fully-tenured) at the Autonomous
University in Bellaterra. Level of docility: low. Uses a vehicle
of tremendous structural simplicity, but poor manoeuvrability, known as a Ford Fiesta.

07.23 Gurb invited by the individual to climb into his
vehicle. Requests instructions. Order him to accept the invitation. Principal objective: avoid attracting attention of local
fauna (real and potential).

07.30 No news from Gurb.

0.800 No news from Gurb.

09.00 No news from Gurb.

12.30 No news from Gurb.

20.30 No news from Gurb.

DAY 10

07.00 Decide to go out in search of Gurb. Before leaving,
disguise spaceship to prevent reconnoitring and inspection by
local fauna. Having consulted the Catalogue, decide to turn
spaceship into attr. semi-det. res. 3 bdrms, 2 bthrms, balcony,
comml. sw pool., 2 prkg spces, mrtge avail.

07.30 Decide to adopt appearance of individualised
human being. Having consulted the Catalogue, opt for the
Count-Duke of Olivares.

07.30 Rather than leave the ship by the hatch (now turned
into a panelled wood door of tremendous structural simplicity but poor manoeuvrability), decide to beam down in a spot
where the concentration of human beings is densest, in order
to avoid attracting attention.

08.00 Beam down at a spot known as corner of
Diagonal and Paseo de Gracia. Knocked down by no. 17 bus,
Barceloneta to Vall d'Hebron. Obliged to retrieve head,
which fell off as a result of accident. Operation difficult due to
large number of vehicles.

08.01 Knocked down by an Opel Corsa.

08.02 Knocked down by a delivery truck.

08.03 Knocked down by a taxi.

08.04 Manage to recover head and wash it in a fountain
situated close to the scene of the accident. Take advantage of
the opportunity to analyse the composition of the local water:
hydrogen, oxygen and faeces.

08.15 In view of large number of individuals, it may prove
difficult to locate Gurb by sight, but wish to avoid sensorial
location, as am unsure of effect it could have on ecological
balance of area and, by extension, on inhabitants. Human
beings are creatures of variable height. The smallest among
them are so tiny that if they were not conveyed by taller ones
in carriages they would soon be trampled underfoot (with
possible loss of head) by tall ones. The tallest rarely exceed 200
centimetres. A curious detail is that when they lie flat they
remain exactly the same length. Some have a moustache; others,
beard and moustache. Almost all have two eyes, which may be
situated at the front or the back of the head, depending on
how they are facing. When walking they move in a forward
direction, and are thus forced to counteract the movement
of the legs by means of vigorous arm swinging. Those in the
greatest hurry reinforce this arm movement by means of
briefcases made of plastic or leather or a material called Samsonite, which comes from another planet. The traction
principle used in their cars (four aligned wheels filled with
evil-smelling air) is more rational, and permits the attainment
of higher speeds. Must remember not to fly or walk on my
head if wish to avoid being taken for an eccentric. NB Must
remember always to keep one foot touching the ground -
immaterial which one - or if not, the external organ known
as the bottom.

11.00 Have been waiting for three hours to spot Gurb. A
waste of time. Flow of persons past this point in this city shows
no decrease. Rather the reverse. Calculate that the odds
against Gurb passing without me seeing him are of the order
of seventy-three to one. However, to this calculation, one
would have to append two variables:

a) Gurb doesn't pass this spot

b) Gurb passes this spot, but having modified his external appearance. In latter case odds against my spotting him go up to nine
trillion to one.

12.00 The hour of the Angelus. Meditate for an instant in
silent prayer, trusting that Gurb is not going to choose that
exact moment to pass in front of me.

13.00 The erect position in which I have held my body for
the last five hours is beginning to tire me. Apart from the
stiffness in the muscles, I must make a continuous effort to
inhale and exhale air. Once when I forgot to do it for five
minutes, my face went purple and my eyes popped out of my
head, and I had to go and retrieve them from amongst the cars.
If this goes on, I'll end up drawing attention to myself. It
seems that human beings inhale and exhale air in an automatic
fashion, which they call breathing. This automatic functioning,
which is repugnant to any civilised being, and which I note
here for purely scientific motives, characterises not only
breathing but many corporeal functions, such as the circulation of the blood, digestion, blinking - which unlike the two
previously mentioned actions can be consciously controlled, in which case it is known as winking - the growth of the nails
and so on. So subject are humans to the automatic functioning of their organs (and organisms) that they would soil themselves, if they were not trained as children to subordinate
nature to decorum.

14.00 Have reached the limit of my physical resistance.
Rest by getting down on the ground, stretching my left leg
out behind me and my right leg in front. Seeing me in this
posture, a woman gives me a 25-peseta coin, which I immediately swallow in order not to appear impolite. Temperature, 20
degrees centigrade; comparative humidity, 64 per cent; light
southerly winds; sea, calm.

14.30 Density of traffic, both vehicular and pedestrian,
diminishing slightly. Still no news from Gurb. Even at the risk
of disturbing the precarious ecological balance of the planet,
decide to establish sensorial contact. Taking advantage of the
fact that there is no bus passing, make my mind a blank and
emit waves on frequency H76420ba, rising gradually to
H76420ba400010.

At the second attempt receive a response signal which is
weak at first but gradually clears. Decode the signal, which
appears to be coming from two different points, though close
together in terms of the earth's axis. Text of the signal
(decoded):

Where are you calling from, Senora Cargols?

From Sant Joan Despi.

Can you give me that again?

From Sant Joan Despi. Sant Joan Despi. Hello? Can you
hear me?

We seem to be having some technical problems here in the
studio, Senora Cargols. Can you hear us?

What did you say?

I asked if you're hearing us. Senora Cargols?

Yes, carry on. I'm hearing you clearly.

Senora Cargols, can you hear us?

Yes, very well. I can hear you.

And where are you calling from, Senora Cargols?

From Sant Joan Despi.

From Sant Joan Despi. And can you hear us clearly in Sant
Joan Despi, Senora. Cargols?

Yes, I can hear you fine. What about you? Can you hear
me?

Yes, very well. Now, where are you calling from?

I sense it is going to be harder than I thought to locate Gurb.

15.00 Decide to search the city systematically, rather than
remaining in one spot. By doing so, I reduce the odds against
finding Gurb by one trillion, but even so, success remains
uncertain. Set off, following the automatic self-correcting
heliographic map which I incorporated into my internal circuits on leaving the spaceship. Fall into a hole in the road left
by the Catalan Gas Company.

15.02 Fall into a hole in the road left by the Barcelona
Water company.

15.03 Fall into a hole in the road left by National
Telecommunications.

15.03 Fall into a hole in the road left by the Residents'
Association on Calle Corcega.

15.06 Decide to proceed without the automatic selfcorrecting heliographic map and instead look where I'm
going.

19.00 Have been walking for four hours. No idea where I
am, and my legs can hardly carry me. The city is huge: the
crowds, constant; the noise, incredible. Surprised not to find
the usual monuments, such as a Cenotaph to Blessed Mother
Pilar, which would aid orientation. I stopped a pedestrian and
asked him how I could set about finding somebody who was lost. He asked me how old the person was. When I said six
thousand, five hundred and thirty years, he said try the Corte
Ingles department store. The worst thing is having to breathe
this air, which is thick with succulent particles. It is a wellknown fact that in some parts of the city the density of the air
is such that the residents have forced it into skins and exported
it as black pudding. My eyes are smarting, my nose is blocked,
my mouth is dry. The quality of life is so much better in
Sardanyola!

20.30 After sunset the atmospheric conditions would have
improved greatly if the human beings had not had the bright
idea of switching on the street lighting. It seems they require it
when they're out of doors, because although the majority of
them have unattractive, or even frankly ugly features, they feel
the need to see one another. Even the cars switch on their
lights and attack each other with them. Temperature, 17
degrees centigrade; humidity, 62 per cent; light south-easterly
winds; sea, choppy.

21.30 Have had enough! Cannot take another step. Have
suffered considerable physical deterioration. Have lost an arm,
a leg, and both ears, and my tongue is hanging out so far that
I've had to tie it to my belt, after I had picked up four dog
turds and I don't know how many cigarette ends. Given the
conditions, it would be better to postpone my search until
tomorrow. Hide under a lorry, disintegrate and beam down
inside the spaceship.

21.45 Energy recharge.

21.50 Put on my pyjamas. Gurb's absence weighs on my
spirits. As we have spent all our evenings together for the last
eight hundred years, am at a loss as to how to kill the time
between now and sleep. I could watch local television, or read
the latest comic strip adventure of Lolita Galaxia, but neither
appeals. Cannot understand Gurb's absence, and even less his
silence. Have never been an unreasonable superior. Have always allowed the crew, i.e. Gurb, complete freedom to come
and go as he pleases (in his time off), but if he knows he won't
be back, or he's going to be late, surely the least he could do is
let me know?

DAY 11

08.00 Still no news from Gurb. Try again to establish
sensorial contact. Get an angry voice demanding in the name
of decent people everywhere, whom it claims to represent, a full
and detailed inquiry into allegations of sleaze against a certain
Senor Guerra. Decide to abandon sensorial contact.