Audition & Subtraction (15 page)

“I like you, too. But …”

“But what?” he asked in a low voice. “I'm okay for pretend dates, but not real ones?”

“No!” I said in a rush. “It's not that.”

“Then what?”

“I don't know.” With shaky fingers, I traced over my lips.
My just-kissed lips!
My head spun like a cotton-candy machine. “I do really like you,” I said, struggling to understand it myself. “I just never thought …” I swallowed. “I mean …” I sat down again, resting my hands on the rough cement to steady myself. “I don't know what I mean. Things are changing too fast.”

“Uncertainty Principle,” he said as he sat beside me.

“Yeah, well, uncertainty sucks. I want things to stay the way they are.”

His hands were still stuffed in his pockets, his shoulders hunched forward. “Not all change has to be bad.”

“I know.” I paused, searching for words. “But that's how it's been lately. With Lori and Michael. My parents separating. My mom packing heat. Don't ask,” I added when he blinked in confusion. “I don't want things to get messed up with you, too.”

He dropped a hand to the bench, his fingers resting an inch from mine. “Who says they have to?” One side of his mouth tilted up.

Okay, he is seriously cute.

“They just usually do.”

“I'm not asking for a kidney, Tay.” He shifted his
hand until his fingers touched mine. “I just want to hang out.”

Little tingles shot up my arm from where our fingers touched. Still, I didn't move my hand away.

Aaron likes me? He
like-likes
me?

“You really didn't know?” he asked as if he'd read my mind. “Even after last night? Grabbing your hand like that wasn't exactly smooth.”

I blushed. “Considering I'd just asked you out on a fake date, it didn't seem so strange.”

The sound of voices filled the air as a crowd of people walked by. I'd almost forgotten we were still sitting outside the movie theater.

“Here's the thing, Tay,” he said; then he paused and cleared his throat. “I like being around you. You're funny and talented and smart—when you're not being so clueless.”

I attempted an eye-roll, but it's not easy when your cheeks are on fire.

His voice dropped to a near whisper. “I think you're totally and completely cool. And I think we should go out—for real this time.”

Me and Aaron—for real.
Aaron—but not Aaron. How could he be my same old friend but suddenly make my stomach quiver? I lifted the hair from the back of my neck, wishing for a cool breeze. How would I face him on Monday morning? Would things change in band and in science? I thought about how much I looked
forward to our classes together and how he always made me laugh. Would we go back to how we were, or would I hyperventilate every time I saw him?

I stared at where our fingers were still barely touching, my heart settling into a breathless sprint. “What if we do start going out? What happens at school? Will you turn weird?”

“I'm not planning to.”

“Because people get weird when they start dating, and they act differently.”

“I won't.” His fingers snuck closer, sliding over mine.

Warmth shot up my arm. “Are you going to text me fifty times a day?”

“Do you want me to?”

“No,” I said. “At least, I don't think so.”

“Okay.” He curled his fingers around mine. “Are you going to want us to wear matching bracelets?”

“No!” Then I thought of the black cord around Lori's wrist. “But what if I did?”

He shrugged. “Then I'd wear one, I guess.”

“I'm not letting you win at Sudoku,” I said.

“And I'm not going to let you do all the cutting in science lab.”

“But I will anyway.”

He laughed. “Sounds like the usual.”

“I guess so,” I admitted.

“Except next time I kiss you, maybe you won't freak out.”

“I didn't freak out,” I said automatically. But I had. Inside, I didn't even feel like myself. Shaky, but good, too.

“Meet me tomorrow?” he asked. His eyes were the color of melted caramel and just as warm.

“Where?”

“The bookstore. At noon?”

“Okay. If I can.”

We both stood, and when he held my hand, my heart turned a cartwheel. We headed to the candy store, and I wondered if other people watched us. I hoped so. This was me, Tatum Austin, holding hands with Aaron Weiss.

Because he thought I was totally and completely cool.

And somewhere deep down, I felt like maybe I actually was.

The corner of the mattress dipped under the weight of Lori's knees as she rolled across my side of the trundle and onto her bed. In the dark with the blinds closed, the orange walls faded to black and the only light was a tiny glow from the stars stuck on the ceiling.

I curled the covers up over my shoulders and turned to face her. “Was that not the best night—”

“—ever,” she finished with a smile.

We'd thrown on our sleep shirts, brushed our teeth in a hurry, and now I was warm under the covers and as happy as I'd been in maybe forever.

“Our first real date,” I murmured, letting the words sink in.

“Did you see Alesia and Stace?” Lori asked.

I shook my head.

“They were walking up to the movies when we were. I hope they heard Michael when we first met up.”

“You mean when he said you were hot?”

She giggled.

“My jeans looked great on you.”

“Can you believe I fit into them?” She sighed. “He actually slid one hand into my back pocket—and there was room.”

My heart squeezed, extrahappy for Lori. “You gotta keep them—they look better on you, anyway.”

“They do not.” But I saw the gleam of her teeth as she smiled. “I'll take them though, if you're sure. They'll be anniversary jeans, because I wore them on our first date.” Her smile widened. “We kissed outside the candy store—in front of everyone.”

“And while Michael was kissing you, Aaron was kissing me.”

We sighed in unison and then laughed.

We lay side by side, near enough that I could see her face but everything else was blanketed by the dark. I loved the feeling—as if it were just the two of us in the world, whispering things no one else could know.

“So what was it like?” she asked. “When he kissed you?”

I brushed the hair off my forehead as I thought back. “Quick,” I said.

Lori laughed.

“It was good, though, because then I didn't have time to think about it. I must have closed my eyes, but I'm not sure.”

“Isn't it weird?” she said. “I used to worry about
that—would I close my eyes or not? And where would our noses go, and what would I do with my hands? And then it just happens. And you're not thinking about anything.”

“I know,” I said. “I had this weird flash in my brain that Aaron has freckles—and the next minute he's kissing me, and I'm like,
Aaron?
”

“I know,” she said. “You guys have been friends forever.”

“Now we're friends who kiss.” I touched my lips with my fingers and smiled. “He's not just this smart guy, Lori. He's really cool, you know?”

She nodded. “That physics stuff he went into? That was major. Michael was so impressed.”

My smile faded as the rest of our conversation flooded back. “I'm sorry about the duet with Michael. He looked kind of mad about it.”

She bunched her pillow up beneath her cheek. “More like really mad.”

“At you? Why?”

“Michael and I spent almost a week practicing a duet he can't do. Now he's lost all that time. He thinks I should have checked with Mr. Wayne first, but I never thought he would say no.”

“At least you tried.”

“Michael doesn't see it that way. That's why I didn't say anything to you yet—I was hoping I could come up with a Plan B.” Her voice dipped. “He even got his mom
to call Mr. Wayne today, but he won't budge. District rule.”

“Wow,” I breathed. “His mom called Mr. Wayne at home?”

“Told you he's serious. I mean, you heard him about the music conservatory. Plus, there's his dad. Michael didn't say it in so many words, but I don't think his dad will bother coming out if he doesn't make the Honor Band. He hasn't been to see Michael once in two years.” She tapped a fist against her chest. “It just breaks my heart. I want to help him so much. You know how it is. If it were Aaron, you'd want to help him, too.”

“Yeah,” I said, silently making a vow to be nicer to Michael from now on.
Two years?
“I can totally understand.”

Her face lit up. “I knew you could. You're so great about that—you always understand. I told Michael you would.”

I frowned, suddenly sensing that she meant something different than I did. “What did you tell Michael?”

“That you'd understand what's at stake.” Her eyes blinked at me, wide and intent. “That you'd see the big picture.”

“There's a big picture?” I said slowly.

She sat up a little, propping herself on an elbow. “He wants to transfer to New York his junior year and focus on music. He could end up playing with his dad's orchestra.”

“I know,” I said, my mouth suddenly dry.

“And a lot depends on District Honor Band.”

I struggled to swallow. “I feel bad, Lori, I do. Honest. But District Honor Band means a lot to me, too. I have a chance to make Wind Ensemble if I impress Dr. Hallady,” I added. “Mr. Wayne thinks I can—I told you that.”

“But he's a teacher. He's supposed to say those things.”

I didn't have time to hide my face. To pretend her words didn't feel like a slap.

Her expression changed in a heartbeat. Her cheeks reddened as if she were the one just smacked. “Tay, I didn't mean it that way. It came out wrong. I just meant you'd hate Wind Ensemble—you always say Dr. Hallady freaks you out.”

I wound my arms around my knees, cold under the blanket. What she really meant was she didn't think I could make it. Which suddenly made me feel stupid for thinking I could. My eyes prickled with tears. I blinked, forcing myself to shrug. If we didn't stop talking about this, I was going to end up crying. “Let's just forget it.”

“Tay, no. All I meant was you'll love concert band with Mr. Gibbs. That's why when Michael wanted me to talk to you …” She blinked nervously, then shifted onto her back. “Never mind.”

The heat behind my eyes burned while more gathered at the back of my throat. “Never mind what?”

“I don't know if I should say it now.”

Suddenly, I remembered the weird looks between Lori and Michael tonight. “Say what?”

She turned back toward me and wet her lips nervously. “Michael thought if you understood, maybe you'd help him out with District Honor Band.”

I took a breath, but the fresh scent of the sheets had faded. Now the air felt full of something heavy and bad. Which was stupid. Air was just hydrogen and oxygen. “How could I help him out? I'm not Dr. Hallady. I'm not judging.”

“But if you didn't have a totally perfect performance …”

I gasped, but there was no noise. No air. I felt like I was choking on nothing but the sound of her words.

“Not bad or anything,” she said quickly.

“It's part of my grade, Lori.”

“You'd still get an A,” she said. “You wouldn't bomb it or anything.”

“I can't believe you're even asking me this.”

She reached out a hand, but I was wrapped too tightly inside the covers for her to find my arm. “I wouldn't if it weren't so important.”

“But it's District Honor Band!”

“I know,” she said. “That's the worst part. The weekend of the concert won't be any fun without you. But it's only a few days. You said yourself you'd want to help Aaron if you could.”

“Yeah, but—”

“I wouldn't ask if there was any other way.” Her voice pleaded in the dark. “You don't know what it's been like since Mr. Wayne said no. It's so important to Michael, and I screwed up the whole duet thing. I'm afraid what he'll do if I can't fix it.” Her voice shook with tears. “I'm afraid he's going to break up with me.”

“So?” I cried. “Why would you want a boyfriend like that?”

“Easy for you to say,” she snapped. “You're not Lori ‘the size of a van' Sant.”

“No one calls you that anymore.”

“That doesn't mean I've forgotten what it feels like. With Michael, I'm not that girl. I'm skinny and beautiful, and it's like I've never been anything else. Can't you try and understand what that means to me?”

“I do, but—”

“It's not just that,” she went on. “We talk about so many things, and he totally gets me.”

“That's great, but—”

“It's not great,” she interrupted, tears spilling off her lashes. “Because I'm so afraid I'll wake up one morning and it'll all be gone.”

She sobbed the last words, her voice so full of pain the sound of it hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut; I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to care.

What about me?

But it wasn't just me. It was
us.
We'd always gotten
through everything together. Slowly, I untwined my hand from the sheet and reached out to touch her arm.

Lori blinked up at me. Tears had left shiny trails of silvery light on her cheeks. “I'm so sorry, Tay. I don't know what else to do. I can't lose him.”

But you can lose me?
The thought whispered through my heart before I could stop it. I already knew the answer. She didn't have to worry about losing me—I might be mad, but I'd get over it. I always did.