Attack of the Vampire Weenies (3 page)

“Unbelievable,” Lucas said as
the game came up. “This is cool.” He grabbed the joystick and started playing. He'd never expected to actually get a game off the cable on the old system. But this looked great. There were asteroids all over the place, zooming toward him at high speed. The resolution seemed a little higher than on any of his dad's old games, but it was still pretty primitive.

“Wow, that was close.” Lucas barely avoided the first huge rock. He got the feel of the game pretty quickly and started making his way through the obstacles.

Somewhere between Mars and Jupiter …

“Franzleglip!” Mexplatle swore, yanking
on the controls with all his strength.

“What is wrong?” Rubnupshti asked.

“I'm not in control. We are doomed. The ship is flying itself.” He closed his eye and folded his ears as an asteroid shot right past them, just missing the viewport.

“I knew I should have stayed home,” Rubnupshti said.

Somewhere in Idaho …

“That was close,” Lucas
said. He'd barely avoided a collision as three asteroids crossed his path with only a narrow space in between. But he was getting through the game.

An hour later, he finally saw an end to the asteroid field. Six more big rocks to get past, and he'd be finished.

Two asteroids, side by side, came at him from the top of the screen. He just managed to fit between them. He angled to the left to get past the next three. There was only one more asteroid to go.

Somewhere between Mars and Jupiter …

“We've made it,” Mexplatle
said. “One more asteroid and we are past all danger. Then we can claim that planet for ourselves.” He imagined all the wealth that awaited him. He'd be famous. He'd be rich. It was wonderful.

Somewhere in Idaho …

This is it,
Lucas
thought. The last asteroid didn't even look that tough. In a couple of seconds, he'd win the game.

“Lucas,” his dad called from the hallway.

“What?” Lucas asked, not looking up.

“Sometimes I forget what it's like to be a kid. I've got a surprise for you.”

Lucas glanced over. His dad was holding up a brand-new video game system. “Wow!” Lucas dropped the ancient joystick and leaped up. “Can we get the Game-Jammer Channel, too?”

“Sure,” his dad said.

Lucas glanced back at the old Atari. On the screen, his ship hit the asteroid and exploded into a billion pieces. Lucas shrugged. It didn't matter. The old machine didn't have very good graphics. He was sure the new games were a lot more realistic.

 

ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE WEENIES

I
ignored the doorbell.
I knew who was out there. I knew what he wanted. It rang again.

“Get it, jerk!” my sister yelled from upstairs.

I'd rather chew on a lightbulb than turn that doorknob. But I didn't want Tammy angry with me. The last time she got really mad, she painted splash marks on the front of all my pants with clear nail polish, so it looked like I'd had an accident. The time before that, she'd e-mailed all my friends baby pictures of me getting a bath in the sink.

Hoping I was wrong about who was out there, I turned the knob, then opened the door halfway and stared up at the vampire. He wore a black cape with a red lining. His hair was slicked back so it glistened in the moonlight. His cheeks were pale white. Dark circles made his eyes look like they had sunk into his skull. He started to step into the hallway.

“You have to be invited,” I said. “That's the rule.”

He shoved the door, knocking me back. “Get lost, squirt.”

“It's the rule!” I shouted as he pushed past me. “A vampire can't enter a home unless he's invited. Everyone knows that.”

He walked over to the stairs and called up, “Hey, Tammy! I'm here. Come on. The party's already started.”

“I'll be right down,” she said.

Dalton—that's the name of my sister's boyfriend—went into the living room and plopped down on the couch.

I followed him. “You can't sit there.”

He glared at me. “What's your problem?”

“It's not my problem, it's yours.” I pointed at the small cross that hung on the wall between the photo of Grandma and the painting of a cactus my parents had bought last year when we were on vacation in Arizona. “Vampires can't stand the sight of a cross.”

He leaned forward and put his hand on my shoulder. “Look, kid. I
am
a vampire. So don't tell me what I can and can't do. Just go read your comic books, or whatever it is that gives you all those ridiculous ideas.”

“You're not a vampire,” I said. “You're just a vampire wannabe. Wait—I know—you're a vampire weenie. That's what you are.”

“What did you say?” His eyes got dangerous. For an instant, he almost looked like someone who could drain the blood from my body. “Come on—open that smart mouth again.”

He sprang up from the couch. I took a step back.

Tammy drifted into the room. “Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.”

Dalton seemed to forget I even existed. I guess he liked the way she looked.

I can't imagine how anyone—except maybe an undertaker—would feel that way. She was wearing a long white dress and too much makeup. The circles around her eyes were larger than his. Her cheeks were white, but with a touch of red. That was wrong, too. Vampire skin is as white and lifeless as the belly of a dead fish.

He touched her cheek. “You sparkle.”

She touched his. “So do you.”

They headed out.

“For crying out loud—vampires don't sparkle!” I shouted as the door closed. Okay, it was after the door closed. But I was angry now, and felt like yelling. “You aren't vampires. You're just big kids playing dress-up and acting moody. You don't know the rules, you stupid sparkly vampire wannabe weenies!”

I could feel my own blood boiling. Tammy and her friends were completely giggly and weird about vampires. They had vampire parties all the time, where they drank strawberry soda, cherry punch, and even tomato juice. They read books and watched movies where the vampire was always this unbelievably handsome guy. That was so totally wrong. They didn't know anything.

A vampire isn't some sort of handsome prince. And a vampire definitely isn't some gloomy teenager who flunked algebra twice and likes to pick on his girlfriend's little brother. A vampire isn't a girl who's read some stupid book seventeen times and thinks she can become one of the characters.

A vampire is a bloodsucking horror who sleeps in a coffin filled with his native soil; lives with bats, rats, and spiders; and carries nothing inside himself but death and disease. A vampire shies away from crosses and can't stand the odor of garlic. He needs permission to enter a house. Holy water burns his skin. He'll die if he's exposed to sunlight or if you drive a wooden stake through his heart. But even with a stake through his heart, he won't remain dead unless you chop off his head and stuff the neck with garlic.

Tammy and her friends would know this if they read the right books—the old books. But they'd rather dress up in silly costumes and drink fake blood than learn the truth.

My parents were out—they go out all the time—which meant I was alone in the house. That was fine with me. I went up to my room to play
Soldiers and Snipers.
I might know everything there is to know about vampires but, unlike Tammy, I had other interests, too. Like online multiplayer shooters.

I heard Tammy and Dalton when they came back late that evening.

“We should have the next party here,” Tammy said.

“What about your parents?” Dalton asked.

“They'll be out of town next weekend,” Tammy said.

I already knew about that. Dad was going to some sort of convention in Boston. Mom was tagging along, since seeing Boston was probably a lot more fun than staying home with her kids.

“What about your brother?” Dalton asked.

During the pause that followed his question, I felt a shiver dance across my skin.

“We can lock him in the basement or something,” Tammy said.

Great. They were going to have a party with all their stupid vampire friends, and I'd get to sit in the dark on the basement stairs, listening to footsteps on the ceiling, waiting for them to let me out.

I stormed downstairs. “No way you're locking me in the basement.”

Tammy almost looked guilty, but Dalton grinned. “We'll do whatever we want. You have no power over us, mortal. Begone, or I will unleash my fury upon you.”

“Vampires don't grin, either,” I said. “And I do have power: I'll tell my parents.”

“You do and you're dead,” Dalton said.

“Then I'll die happy.” I stood my ground. I knew they had to give in. They wanted their party more than I wanted to escape a beating. “Look, I don't care about your stupid party. I won't even come downstairs. I'll stay in my room. But there's no way you're locking me up.”

Dalton looked at Tammy. Tammy looked back at him. They both shrugged.

“Just keep out of the way,” she said.

“That's exactly what I'm planning to do.”

But as I headed back upstairs, I realized I wanted to do one other thing, too. If all Tammy's vampire weenie friends were coming to a vampire party, I was going to give them just what they were asking for.

The idea was so perfect, I froze on the steps when it hit me. Somehow, somewhere, I was going to find a real vampire and get him to come. That would teach them a lesson.

I knew vampires were real. I knew they were out there. There were too many myths and stories. Too many legends. There had to be a source for all of that.

And when the real vampire revealed his foul, evil nature, and all Tammy's friends were cowering and screaming, I'd step in with my vampire-killing tools and save the day.

That was such a great plan. I'd shut them up for good—and be a hero. Tammy would never be able to boss me around again. Dalton would tremble when I stared at him.

I just needed to find a vampire. I checked my books for ideas, but nothing I read seemed like it would help me lure a vampire to the party. Most people were much more interested in keeping them away. If knowledge wouldn't do the trick, I'd have to go with a guess. I was pretty sure about one thing—vampires must hate all the stuff people think about them. All that wrong stuff and nonsense.

That was it!

If Tammy and Dalton's endless babbling made me angry, think how furious it would make a vampire.

I typed up a flyer for the party. I made it sound so fannish and nauseating that no living person who saw the flyer would be tempted to come. But I also made it so extremely stupid in a vampire weenie sort of way that any real vampire who read it would be sure to come.

At the top, I put
SUPER AWESOME VAMPIRE GET-TOGETHER
. Below that, I wrote,

Come sparkle with us. Have oodles of dark fun playing vampire games and making new vampire pals. There will be bloodsicles, coffin cakes, and lots of other goodies.

I went on for a full page, tossing in every wrong thing I'd ever heard Tammy talk about, along with a bunch of stuff I made up. I finished with,
Your vampirific hosts, Tammy and Dalton, would like to fang you for coming.

I ran off two hundred copies on my dad's printer and walked all over town, stuffing them where people would never go but vampires might—in crypts at the cemetery, behind the blood bank, and through the cracked basement windows of abandoned buildings.

I had a good feeling about my plan. It was going to work. I'd bet anything that a real vampire would come to the party, just to show the vampirific Tammy and Dalton how wrong they were.

Saturday evening, Tammy put on some creepy music and lit a bunch of candles. I don't know what candles had to do with vampires. They can see in nearly total darkness. While she and Dalton were out buying chips and stuff, I set up the room as a vampire trap. I hid the cross behind the picture of Grandma. I hung another cross behind a calendar on the other side of the room.

I chopped up a whole piece of garlic and put it inside one of those sealed plastic tubs that the wonton soup comes in when we have takeout. I washed the outside so it didn't smell at all and stuck the container under the couch, where I could grab it when I needed it, along with a couple wooden stakes. I kept the holy water in my pocket. I'd sneaked into Saint Sebastian's yesterday and swiped some. Just a little. But that's all I needed.

I waited upstairs, watching out the window. Tammy and Dalton's stupid vampire weenie friends started showing up right after sunset. The flyer said the party started at ten o'clock. I didn't want the vampire to show up until all the guests were here.

I'd know him when he came. He'd stop at the door to ask permission to enter. And those fools would give it to him. He'd probably hide his face somehow, since they'd never let him in if they saw how horrifying he was. They're so lucky I was planning to save them. Though, if the vampire started his feast with Dalton, I'd be tempted to hold off until he was finished.

I spotted the vampire when he was half a block away. It had to be him. He was taller than any of Tammy's friends, and he didn't move like someone rushing to a party. His head was down, so I couldn't see his face, but I could just imagine the horror of it. He was wearing dark clothes and a cape.

I sneaked out of my room and watched from the top of the steps.

The doorbell rang.

Tammy went and opened it.

“Oh my!” she said.

The room fell silent, as if the vampire's presence were enough to suck the sounds from the air.

“Whoa!”

That was me. I managed to choke back my gasp. It didn't matter. I don't think anyone would have looked in my direction even if I'd smacked the wall with a baseball bat. Not when they had
him
to stare at.