Atonement (30 page)

“Tate, is everything okay?” I knew what had happened, but I wasn’t sure I should say anything. I knew it was um, quicker than he was hoping for.

He was grinning from ear to ear though. “I’m good Reese. Shit, I’m in Heaven.” He lay down slightly to my side. “I can honestly say I have never felt anything that mind-blowing…ever.” Then a few moments later he said, “But, that wasn’t fair, you were just about to um...I need to take care of you …again. Ready for round two?”

“Are you kidding lover-boy? I could do this all night.” And dang if we didn’t do just that…make love all night like the newlyweds we were.

Around 5:30 am we were laying really still, nearly asleep after round…well I’m not sure how many we had, when I decided to get us both a cold glass of water. Tate said he would get it, but I wanted to take an Advil for a headache coming on…probably from lack of food, sleep, and who knows…

Rummaging through my bag for medicine, I found an envelope. It was addressed to ‘My Baby Girl’. I took it with me downstairs, deciding to look at it in the kitchen while I was
getting the water. Opening it, I saw it was from my dad. I wondered when he had time to slip it in my bag. It read:

My sweet baby girl,


       
I’m assuming you are finding this on your wedding night. So picture me covering my eyes, fingers in my ears, and I’m saying ‘La, La, La, La,”. I still can’t think of you married (If you know what I mean). To me, you are still my little girl, figuring out how to cut your own waffles up, or brushing your baby dolls hair. You have grown up to be so beautiful Reese, so mature, and I couldn’t be more proud of you.


Oh I’m teary-eyed now. I was fanning myself with the envelope. My sweet, sweet Daddy.

       
Anyway, I won’t make this a long letter. I just wanted to remind you that everything good comes from God, and while you have had your sadness and hard times Reese, you have had your share of blessed moments as well. We all have. I know one day you and Tate will be a different kind of blessed when you decide to give us grandchildren,


I quickly looked up from the letter. “Holy Crap!”. I said out loud. I couldn’t finish reading. Oh God, I thought. No. No. No. My birth control that I had gotten just six weeks ago and started is now sitting in my bedroom…at home. I missed my
pill last night, and there is no way I will have time to get that pack or a new pack before we leave out this morning for our honeymoon. My stomach felt like it plummeted to the floor. This was all new to me. I hadn’t had to worry about getting…I couldn’t even say it. I couldn’t even think I could possibly be... But ugh, we had more chances of making that happen last night than most couples probably have in two months. I had to talk with Tate, suddenly my heart was racing. Looking down at the letter I decided to finish it. There wasn’t much left of it:

       
But I do think you are smart to wait. Enjoy being married and discovering things with the two of you first. You’ll have plenty of time to be parents. Right now, just enjoy being husband and wife. I love you eternally.


Dad


Oh Daddy, what have I done? I was trying to breathe, but my lungs weren’t cooperating. Maybe it wasn’t the right time of my month. I had already learned all about cycles, and fertilization from my anatomy class. There were only a few days a month I could even possibly get pregnant. I was praying last night and this morning weren’t one of those times.

Walking up to the bedroom, I was folding the letter slowly when I stepped in the bedroom. Tate sat up quickly in bed.

“Baby what’s wrong, you look so pale?” Tate jumped off the bed and came to me. “What is that?” He asked touching the letter in my hands.

“It’s a letter from my d…dad.” I was stuttering. I could hardly speak clearly.

“Your dad, is everything okay?” Tate was confused. “How did you get a letter from him?”

I spoke slowly and low, “I found it in my bag when I was looking for Advil.” I looked into his eyes, his trusting eyes. He hadn’t even asked me if I had taken my birth control. He knew I was on it. That was good enough for him. Now what would he think? Oh God, would he ever trust me again. I am such a fool! “I had a headache, and needed to take something.” Now I was just prolonging the inevitable. I needed to tell him.

He hugged me. “I’m sorry sweetheart, but about the letter, is everything okay with your dad?”

I wasn’t showing any emotion. Basically I felt like a zombie. “He was just telling me he loved me and telling us…to enjoy each other…and one day we would have children…and…”

Tate cut me off chuckling, “Oh I know, that freaked you out huh. Of course one day we will. I’m sure they would love one now, but I’m too selfish to want any now.” He started kissing my neck again. “I want you …too much… to share you…for a long while.” He said between kisses.

I started softly crying. Tate leaned his head back searching my face.

“Reese, was there something else…something else wrong?” He had slid his hands down and was grasping the sides of my arms, willing me to tell him.

“Tate…I’m on birth control…and…” I wasn’t speaking clearly.

“I know you are. That’s why I didn’t wear, um, protection last night, or this morning,” he said with a sly grin.

“Yes, but…I didn’t take it last night, I forgot…” Tate looked too casual to be upset, but I could sense he was slightly nervous.

“Well, that’s okay isn’t it? Just take it now.” He said so calmly.

“I don’t have them, I…I left them at home.” Looking at him this time I wouldn’t let him interrupt. Walking over to the window, I kept talking. “We won’t have time to get them, unless we miss our flight. I could take two this morning, I think, and we would be okay, but we would miss our flight (a flight that we had to catch in less than three hours, and home was four hours away.) “It’s Sunday morning, so there are no pharmacies open down here, and no way to get a new pack.” I looked at him again. “I say we bump our flight to later, and run home to get them. Maybe we can even fly out from our airport instead of here.”

I could tell Tate was struggling with this new dilemma. He was running his hand through his hair, and pacing back and forth. “Reese, um,” He let out a long breath. “I don’t think that would work. I…we have to catch a connecting flight.” He stopped real quick and stared at me. “This was my surprise to you. We aren’t going to Key West like you thought,” He started walking toward me. “We’re going to Hawaii. That way we can be on that side of the country for when we fly home to California.”

“Oh Tate.” I was crying again. “I’m sorry I screwed up. I…” I was grinning a little now, I’m not sure how, “Hawaii, really? You know I’ve always wanted to go there. Oh I’m so sorry.” He was hugging me instantly.

“Shhh, Reese, we’ll figure this out.” He was rubbing my back. I told him all about my theory that maybe we were lucky and it couldn’t possibly have been my time to ovulate right now. We both agreed that he would use condoms while on our trip and we could start the birth control over when we got back to San Diego.

I was still a bit uneasy, but I agreed. I wanted to make sure all of his plans for our honeymoon weren’t screwed up because of my stupid mistake.

“I’m sorry again Tate. I…I think it will be okay. Don’t you?” I said it with a huge question mark looming between us. I needed it to be okay, but more importantly, I needed Tate to feel like it was okay.

“Hey,” he said kissing me again. “It will be Reese. Everything will be okay.” He kissed me desperately which eventually led to making love, this time with protection. Tate let me know how different the two ways were, one with a condom and one without, but he surely agreed the one with was a thousand times better than not making love at all. I was in Heaven on earth either way.

e were back from our honeymoon in a flash, unfortunately. But, a week in Hawaii was utterly amazing, and not just the scenery, or the wonderful food. We enjoyed every second of each other. Life couldn’t have been better. Of course, reality struck, and Tate had to get back to baseball, and I had to get back to learn my way around a new school.

Our first night in our new home was surreal. I still couldn’t believe I had a waterfront home on a California beach. What had I done to deserve this? Even though we got home at 11 PM that night from our honeymoon, I was insistent on walking on the beach. I couldn’t believe the moon’s reflection on the water. Tate said I was like a kid, eager to see and experience the gift of our new life all at once. He was laughing at me, but I didn’t care. This was us...and I couldn’t be happier.

The University of San Diego was all I expected it to be. While I missed Wake Forest and the quaintness and beauty of my first college, I loved the scenery and the tropical feel of USD. I hit it off right away with my career and college advisor. I had already set everything up, but she was most helpful and eager in helping me navigate around my new school.

Elle and Finn came out the following week, just as planned. We had the best time exploring the city, and checking out the living here in California. By that Friday, we had reason to celebrate! Finn was being signed on with the Padres, and Elle was moving out here with him. I couldn’t believe it! I really couldn’t imagine living so close to my best friend again. I was crazy with excitement.

Six weeks flew by. I was on a routine with school (I loved USD). Elle and Finn had picked out a house, just five houses down from ours. Oh my God how I was loving my life!

Tate and I were SO happy together. We were figuring out a routine with school and baseball. It wasn’t always possible for us to see each other every single day or night, but we blew up the texting and the phone calls when we were apart. We were truly newlyweds in that early stage of love and marriage bliss. We made sure to date at least once or twice a week. I loved the nights I would cook at home too. My mom had made me a box of family recipes (easy ones since I still wasn’t a stellar cook). I would sauté and grille, all while listening to music and having a glass of sauvignon blanc. Tate didn’t mind cutting up vegetables either and he loved to grill while having a beer and having me brag over his, um, cooking abilities. He assumed he was the grill master. I always praised his talents immensely, although I felt I had a better feel of not overcooking or undercooking the steaks, pork chops, or whatever we had. That was my little secret though. He was however, the sexiest, most handsome cook I had ever laid eyes on!

No matter how much fun I was having with my new husband, I couldn’t shake that something was off. I shuttered to think it might have something to do with the fact that I hadn’t started my period since well before our wedding. I was trying to psyche myself up for the fact that I had been late before, with entirely no reason to be. Plus I had had some very stressful circumstances in the past several weeks. If it weren’t for the fact that I felt queasy and my stomach felt empty, not to mention the fact that I just wanted to sleep, …all the time, and overfill my plate with larger portions, I wouldn’t have been concerned. But that wasn’t the case, and the truth was, I was terrified! I couldn’t wrap my head around it, I just had this feeling. Not just that I might be pregnant, but that mine and Tate’s world was getting ready to change…drastically.