At Least He's Not On Fire: A Tour of the Things That Escape My Head (2 page)

“If you place your bet before you look at that other card, I’ll agree that if you win, you get to keep your soul, and I’ll see to it that you win every pot for the rest your life. If you look at that second card before you bet, then your soul is still on the line, and if you win, you just get to keep your soul. No cash prizes as well. Sound fair?”

Wally ran the numbers. He calculated all the odds of what hands could beat him, and decided that if he was going to put his soul on the line, he might as well get something for it if he won. He could pay for his son's rehab, and bank a few year's worth of child support payments all at once.

“One card it is, I’m all in.” Wally reached down and flipped his two cards over. The ace of hearts came to a rest with the six of diamonds on top of it. Wally’s heart sank like a stone in quicksand. Starting with an ace there was little he would want less than a six that was off suited. It wasn’t a heart like his ace, nor was it low enough to help make a straight using that ace. He was reduced to riding the power of the ace alone, hoping another six came down to pair with his six, or pray that enough cards to make a straight somehow appeared.
 

Once again it seemed like Wally needed a pair. He knew for certain he could get a pair for his soul now, but that seemed very insufficient at the moment.

“Mmmmmm…” the Devil looked as satisfied like a cat with a feather poking out of its mouth. “Oh that ace lured you in, didn’t it? What a shame. All the glitz and glamour of that single, solitary red heart Wally. Gets ‘em every time,” the Devil said with a curling smile, and Wally knew his time was short unless he got very lucky.

The Devil leaned back in the leather casino chair and with a flourish flipped and placed his two cards on the Kelly green felt. The six of clubs and the six of spades sat there on the table, practically mocking poor Wally.
 

“I should’ve known three sixes would come down. I mean, it’s you, right? Fitting.” Wally smirked at the Devil. He was fucked and he knew it. For once, he didn't think of his own fate. He thought of his boy growing up without a father. Well, his boy finishing growing up without a father.

The Devil nodded knowingly as if any other possibility was impossible. “If I’m going to do it, might as well be thematic about it. I’m a sucker for good drama Wally.”

“Well, let’s see the flop, get this over with,” Wally said with a dejected sigh. He had resigned to his fate.

“As you wish Wally.” The Devil wiggled his fingers casually in the air as if he were manipulating a marionette. In response, the top card of the deck lifted itself into the air and burst into flames, incinerating with a puff of black smoke. In slow motion the top three cards peeled off the top of the deck, rotated face up, and came to a rest three abreast. They could've been dealt by a ghost.

The king of spades, jack of clubs, and ten of hearts.

Wally’s heart raced as his mind assembled the puzzle. With his ace he could make a straight if a queen came down on either of the next two cards. If another ace came out his pair would beat the Devil’s pair of sixes. The Devil’s hand was still winning, but Wally had several outs, and his soul was not lost yet. A tiny bit of hope crept into him again. It felt like finding a twenty in a jacket you hadn't worn since the last winter.

“Wally. Look at you, playing Yahtzee during a poker game. How lucky can a man be? You think that magical ace or queen is going to come down against me? I’m the Lord of Darkness Wally, seriously.” The Devil arched an eyebrow and looked at Wally incredulously, taunting him.

Wally shrugged at the Devil and leaned onto the table. “I’m all in anyway Mr. Devil. Flip the cards and get this over with. I've got places to go and I’m feeling lucky.”

The Devil smiled. “Mr. Devil? So formal. Wally you can call me Mr. Scratch if you like, or Nick. I feel like we’re on a first name basis now.”
 

Wally smirked. He had to admit the fucker was charming.

The Devil waggled his fingers once more and the top card levitated up, and burst into flames. The card below flipped over and came to rest beside the first three.

The six of hearts.
 

Wally leaned back in his chair and let his head flop backwards in disgust. Old Nick was up to no good, it was obvious now. Trip sixes for the Devil meant Wally’s chance at keeping his soul had plummeted. Eyes staring at the baroque patterns etched into the metallic ceiling, Wally heard the Devil laugh. It reminded him of a broken church organ, off key, grating on the ears as well as the soul he was about to lose. When Wally finally tilted his head up and back to the table, the Devil was sipping on a glass of thick, dark fluid. It could’ve been motor oil.

“Thirsty?" the Devil asked him. "Might want to hydrate while you have the chance Wally.” The Devil smiled, holding his tumbler up in a mock toast.

“Kiss my ass,” Wally spat at him. "You're a dirty cheat."

“Again with the rudeness Wally. And you haven’t even lost yet. You’ve still got a sporting chance here!” The Devil slowly twirled his glass, clinking the ice cubes floating in the greasy fluid.

“Do it, come on.” Wally closed his eyes and tapped his fingers on the table, cascading the fingertips from left to right and back again, hoping his luck would finally rise to the top. In the back of his mind he said a short prayer to a God he rarely leaned on. There was some regret in that part of his mind.

“As you wish, Wally.”
 

Wally couldn’t see what was happening through his shut eyelids, but he sensed the first card move into the air, and heard the poomph when it burst into flames. In his mind’s eye he envisioned the next card, the final card of the hand, slide off the top of the deck and come to a rest next to the six of hearts.
 

Silence.

“Hm.” He heard the Devil mutter. “Well Wally, don’t you want to see your fate? This seems like the kind of thing you might want to aim your eyeballs at.”
 

Wally envisioned a queen, any queen in his mind. He slowly cracked his eyelids and peered out at the Devil’s face. The Devil’s eyes were locked on the fifth and final card of the game. Wally’s line of sight slowly slid downward, following the line the Devil’s eyes took.
 

The queen of hearts was the fifth card. Wally had made his straight.

“WOOO! WOOO!” Wally leapt up out of the chair, shaking the card table and sending the cracked leather chair flying backwards. He pumped his fist and walked in circles, yelling at the top of his lungs. “I beat the Devil baby! Yeah! I’m the MAN! FUCK YEAH!”

The Devil sat emotionless at the table, watching his failed prey celebrate the victory. After watching Wally for as long as he could stand, the Devil spoke up, “Wally.”

Wally froze at the sound of the Devil’s cold voice. He spun and looked at Mr. Scratch, an expression on his face that looked as if he’d been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. “Yeah?”

“Congratulations.” The Devil nodded his head, showing respect to Wally.

“Thanks. So I win every pot for the rest of my life now? No matter what?” Wally was starting to get giddy just thinking about what he could win. Cars, fame, women, all of it was just a wager away. The thoughts of paying child support, and covering the crushing cost of his son's rehabilitation had slipped into the ether.

The Devil’s response was flat, devoid of emotion. That scared Wally more than the Devil’s earlier gloating. “Every hand Wally. Winnah winnah, chicken dinnah. What say we go double or nothing? Make this interesting? One more hand?”
 

Wally’s color drained away. He had everything he wanted already, why risk it? He’d beaten the Devil, and would now win every pot for the rest of his life? Why bother risking it? “What’s in it for me? I’ve already got what I want. And if I win everything else from here on out I won't want for a damned thing.”

“Mmm. Greed. I like it. Let’s say if you win this one, I’ll guarantee you get a free pass with the big guy, and the pearly gates open as wide as can be at the end of your days, no matter what. And if I win, well, let’s just say your soul goes back on the block.” The Devil's eyebrows danced up and down flirtatiously. Once again the Devil interlaced his fingers, and Wally was reminded of those leathery wings cocooning around a chunk of coal, a nugget of purest evil.

Wally considered it, and then abruptly picked his knocked over chair up off the empty casino floor. “Alright, let’s do this. I got this. I beat you once, I can beat you again.”

A slow insidious smile crept across the Devil’s face as Wally pulled up to the card table once more, “Arrogance too Wally? You spoil me. This is like that birthday holiday you all celebrate in December.”
 

“Don’t get used to it. I won’t be here long.”

“Of that I am sure Wally. Shall we?” The Devil’s hands came apart and the deck on the table began shuffling itself. The Devil’s fiery eyes were locked on Wally’s, and this time, Wally didn’t look away.

“Whoa. Wait a damn second. New deck there Mr. Scratch. All fifty two cards. No cheating,” Wally said as he shook his head, giving the Devil a dirty look.

“Oh my, I had totally forgotten.” The Devil said with feigned guilt in his voice. He waved his hands and the deck disappeared with a puff of smoke. He reached inside his suit and produced a new deck. Wally noticed the glow of embers peek out when the suit opened.

The new deck, possibly fresh from a printing press in Hell itself came to life in the Devil’s hands. His dagger like fingers split the cards, shuffled them, and did it again. After a multitude of shuffles the Devil sat the deck down again, slowly pushing it to Wally. He tilted his hand, offering the cut to the man.

With no tremble this time Wally reached out and cut the deck in half. He picked up the second half and placed it on the first. The warmth of the cards was there again, but it didn’t frighten Wally. Wally was positive he had this game in the bag. He was sure of it.

The Devil’s eyes narrowed as Wally sat back confidently. “Ready Wally? Double or nothing, remember?”

“Yeah you bet, let’s do this.” Wally waved a dismissive hand at the Devil.

The Devil made an annoyed face, and sucked on his gleaming white teeth. He raised his long fingers again, and the cards flew to their proper places in front of the two players, man, and evil.

“All in.” Wally didn’t even glance down at his cards. He looked the Devil in the flaming eyes and put on his stone cold poker expression. No emotion, no thoughts, just confidence.

“Interesting. I suppose I’ll take that bet. Double or nothing Wally, flip ‘em.” The Devil reached down and flipped over his cards, and Wally did the same.

In front of the Devil was the ace of spades, and the king of spades, a powerful hand that was nearly unbeatable. Wally nodded in approval and looked down at his own cards. His hand consisted of the seven of clubs, and the two of diamonds.

“Hahahaha!” The Devil roared in laughter. He spread his arms wide, making clenched fists in triumph. Wally watched the Devil celebrate and had to blink to clear his eyes. He thought for a moment a pair of giant wings had sprouted out of the pinstriped suit. His eyes cleared, he saw he was in error. No wings were there.

“Come on Nick. I got things to do. Let’s see these cards.” Wally picked at his front teeth with his fingernail, illustrating how unimpressed he was with the Devil’s hand.

“Oh Wally, you gloated when you won, spare me a little joy over this dramatic turn of events, yes?” The Devil leaned forward, a Cheshire grin spreading on his face.

Wally ignored the sinister King of Demons. “You haven’t won anything yet. Let’s do this.”

The Devil’s nose wrinkled, as he barely contained his impulse of fury at the insolence Wally was sending his way now. The Lord of Darkness had little patience for pricks like Wally. However, a deal is a deal, and Old Scratch was pot committed. The Devil tugged at the air, and as if it were connected to an invisible string, the top card flew off the deck, immolating itself. Before the puff of smoke had dissipated into the casino ceiling, the next three cards were flat on the table, revealing the developing hand.

Wally leaned over the table, clearly not surprised by what had come down. The Devil looked to Wally’s face and saw the lack of alarm. The Devil’s eyes, full of restrained rage, darted down and analyzed the cards.

The two of clubs, the seven of hearts, and the seven of diamonds appeared. The Devil’s upper lip twitched. His nose wrinkled once more in disgust. The Devil was being betrayed by Lady Luck. Normally she was in his corner.

“Do you wanna fold? Or do you want to take this all the way out to the bitter end Nick?” Wally asked the Devil in a smarmy tone. The Devil’s eyes shot back up to Wally’s, glowing red like oven coils. Wally recoiled from the heat.

“This seems… unfair Wallace. At the very least I suspect you may have cheated me. There are grave consequences for cheating the Prince of Darkness you know.” The Devil dragged his fingernails across the felt, ripping rents in the green fabric as easily as tearing tissue.

“Nah, nope. I’m playing by your rules. Your fault on this. Flip the next two, you’ll see.” Wally pointed a finger at the deck, all the while staring at the growing black talons erupting from the end of the Devil’s long fingertips. The olive skin was splitting apart around the nail bloodlessly, like clay cracking in the heat.

“As you wish Wallace.” The Devil’s voice had changed. It had gotten deeper. Wally noticed the Devil’s canine teeth had grown, and his jaw seemed to be jutting out. The pinstripes on the suit had gotten wider as well, as if the suit was now being stretched apart by the wearer.

The Devil looked back to the deck and in rapid succession the top card burned into ash, a second card came out, another burst into flames, and the final card came after. The entire hand had been revealed.
 

“Haha, look at that.” Wally laughed and pointed at the remaining cards on the table.

The Devil grunted and turned his head downwards to the cards. Wally noticed his forehead seemed shiny, and the skin tight. He noticed two bumps growing near the temples, just above the brow and pressing their way up through the skin. It looked quite painful to Wally.