At Last (5 page)

“Keisha!”  Missy yelled as she ran toward me still in pajamas with her hair wrapped up in a black silk scarf.  Her caramel colored skin was a shade of red as she had fear and concern in her hazel brown eyes.

I ran to her and fell into her arms.  “He’s dead Melissa!!! He’s dead!!”

“Keisha…,” she trailed off looking for soothing words.

“Shit,” she said shaking her head as the ambulance pulled off.

“You all need to get to the hospital to identify the body.”

“Which hospital?”
  Missy asked.

“Receiving.”
She responded. Missy nodded,

“I’m so sorry, Miss,” the officer said before walking back to the house.

             
We stood out there for a little longer, me crying and Missy consoling me.

“Come on boo.  Let’s go.” She said holding me as we walked to her car. I was in a fog riding to the hospital.  I should’ve just gone over there after I left the show.  I kept thinking about how I’d gotten caught up with Durran and his bullshit.  It was
all my
fault.

“It’s my fault.”

“What did you say?”  She asked facing me.  She had just pulled in the parking lot, “You stop that right now.  This was not your fault.  You didn’t make Justin do this.”

“But he asked me to come over,” I said between sobs. “But I didn’t…I spent the night with Durran.  It’s my fault he did this.”

“Look Keisha, I’ma
say
this one time.  Justin was sick.  He had been sick for a long time.  This is not your fault.  And don’t you think for a minute that it is.

What if you did go over there and he did this shit in front of you and Taylor? What if he tried to hurt y’all?”

We sat in the car a little while longer. Finally, we got out and went inside the hospital. We probably looked strange to the hospital workers because I still had on my clothes from the night before and Missy had on her pajamas and headscarf. I had stopped crying for the moment as Missy asked the receptionist how to get
to
the morgue.

Walking down the hallway we held hands.  I held Missy’s hand tightly.  I was afraid that I would faint.  I couldn’t believe that I was in a hospital to identify Justin’s body.

I thanked God the entire walk down that hallway He had blessed me with a friend like her.  I’d never had many friends. We’d been friends since we were nine years old and met on the playground.  She told me then and there that I was going to be her best friend, and we’d been inseparable since.
She was my rock. 

She was there for me when my father died.  She was there for me during all my drama with Durran.  She sat with me in the hospital when I miscarried. She sat with me in the abortion clinic. She was there for me when I got pregnant with Taylor and my mother kicked me out the house and she was here for me now.

Identifying his body was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.  It took everything out of me.  I just prayed I wouldn’t pass out.

The coroner lifted the blue blanket from his face. I bit down hard on my bottom lip as Missy squeezed my hand.  I nodded my head, “It’s him.”

I looked over his olive colored skin and the tattoos on his shoulders and chest that read mine and Taylor’s.  My stomach was in knots.  I felt that at any moment I was going to throw up.

“You okay?”  Missy asked me.  I guess she could see I was looking strange.

“I’m alright.”

The coroner, a middle aged white man with piercing blue eyes and sandy brown hair looked at me and I nodded.  He placed the blanket back over his face.

             
As we walked out of the morgue, the police officer from the scene was waiting for us. “I just wanted to give you this.”  She said handing me a piece of paper.

“What’s this?”  I asked accepting it.

“It was found at the scene.”

“Thank you.”

We left the hospital, and Missy drove me to my mother’s house.  Durran’s silver Range Rover was still parked outside. We walked into the house and my mother was making breakfast. Taylor was playing and laughing with Durran. When she turned around I saw Justin’s face.

“Mommy!!!”
  She said jumping off Durran and running to me.  I scooped her up and tried my best not to cry.

“Hey Mommy’s baby.”
  I said as I held her tight while tears flooded down my face.

“Hey, come on munchkin.” Missy said as she took Taylor from me and went to the back with her. I heard the door shut and I just broke down crying.

“What’s wrong with you girl?”  My mother said approaching me.  “What did Justin do?  I know that’s why you ran outta here so early this morning.”

I turned around to face my mother, “Justin is dead, Momma.  I went to check on him this morning, and he’d killed himself!!” I shouted at her.

“Oh my God!”
  She covered her mouth and stood motionless.

             
Durran walked over to me and didn’t say a word.  He just grabbed me and held me.  I bawled in his chest over another man-a man that he hated.  A man that I’m sure he wanted dead on numerous occasions, but because he knew I was torn up, none of that mattered.

“It’s alright Mama, let it out.”  He said as he kissed me on my forehead and held me close. He pushed my hair out of my face. “It’s gone be okay. You gotta be strong for Taylor, alright?” He said looking me in the eyes.

             
“You strong.
I’ma help you get through it.”

             
I nodded my head slowly.

“Alright,” he said as he kissed the palm of my right hand. He let me out of his embrace and my mother gave
me a hug. “I’m so sorry baby.”  She had tears in her eyes.  “I know it hurts.”

Durran went back to sit on the couch.  I sat next to him and my mother sat on the loveseat across from us. He sat back and put his hands behind his neck.  I knew his mind was working overtime.

             
“Do you have money to bury him?  I know the
ni
- I mean I know he didn’t have a family.”

“I haven’t even thought that far.  But no, I don’t have any money to bury him.” Just the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.  I placed my head in my hands as we sat quietly for a little bit longer.

“Don’t worry about anything, Keish. I got it.”

“What?”  I turned to face him

“I said I got it.”

“I can’t let you do that.”

“You not letting me do nothing. I’m doing it.  You know my Unc owns Powell Funeral Home.  He
owe
me a favor.  I’ll get him on the phone now.  Don’t worry about it.”  He stood up and walked into the kitchen; not giving me a chance to accept or decline his offer.

My mother looked at me but I tried my best not to make eye contact with her.  I know she hated Justin too.  She probably hated him more than Durran.  I couldn’t totally be angry with her about it though, because he did abuse me.  But so did Durran, just in a different manner.

“I’m so sorry baby.  I never wanted this life for you.  I always wanted my children to live better than I did.”

I stared at her in attempt to figure out what it was she was trying to say. Durran walked back into the living room at that very moment.

“Alright Keisha, this is the deal.  My Uncle Mike gonna hook us up.  He said he’ll take care of everything. The funeral, family hour all that,” He said walking up to me
and cradling my face and looking into my eyes, “It’s gonna be okay. I promise. Trust me.”

It was 2 o’clock in the morning.  I sat on my bed smoking a joint and cradling a glass of Hennessey.  My nerves were past gone.   The words Justin had written leapt off the page and made my heart heavy.  I just kept on thinking about what I was going to do next.

Here I was alone-all alone.  I had to raise Taylor alone without a father, just like my mother had to raise me. But at least I got a chance to know and love my father.  I got a chance to know him as the wonderful person he was.  My child would never get that chance.  She would never understand the love that her father had for her.

She would never understand that despite the tumultuous relationship we shared, she came from love.  She would never fully grasp that, and for that, my heart bled for my baby.

John Coltrane and Duke Ellington’s
“A Sentimental Mood”
played softly as tears streamed down my face.  I could barely read Justin’s words from the tears burning my eyes.

Keisha, you always tried to save me.  You
was
always there for me when I didn’t have nobody.  Even when I was the one holding you back and down, you was the only one there for me.  I don’t know why I can’t be the man that you and Taylor need me to be, but I can’t.  I just can’t.  I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Lately I’ve been feeling worse. 
The voices been winning.
  I’m tired of fighting. I don’t wanna be here no more. I can’t live like this no more. I miss Rico.  It’s not your fault.

Tell Taylor Daddy loves her.

I kept reading the letter over and over again hoping I was in a bad dream.  Then I remembered the police, the hospital,
identifying
his body at the morgue, and the funeral. This was my reality.

Durran kept his word. He paid for the family hour, funeral, and the burial.  I had enough saved up for Justin’s headstone.  It read Justin Carlos Smith: Father, Son, and Brother: Sunrise January 13, 1979 - Sunset April 22, 2005.

The joint began to take its effect, and my mind drifted back to our relationship.  I thought back to when I first met Justin.  He was the finest guy I had ever laid eyes on. He was mysterious. He was the first guy I was crazy about; my first love.

We grew up around the corner from each other.  I lived on Hartwell and he stayed on Littlefield.  Since Rico dated Yvette, I would see him from time to time, but he never said a word to me.  I never said anything either. He just made me nervous.

One day I was sitting on my porch with Missy after school.  I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a warm spring day.  Justin was on a blue and black Suzuki motorcycle.  He kept going up and down the street.

“What is he doing?”  She asked.

“I don’t know…” I said in a trance. All of a sudden, he stopped in front of my house.  My palms began to get sweaty as hell and my stomach did flip-flops.

As he got off the bike and pulled off his black helmet, the sun shined behind him.  It was like something out of a movie. His long, curly black hair hung to his shoulders.

He was wearing a white T-shirt and a pair of dark blue jean shorts.  He wore a pair of black and white Jordan XI’s. His shoulders were broad and his arms were firm and muscular. I began to wonder how it would feel if he held me in them.

His eyes were big and hazel brown and he had thick curly eyelashes. His eyebrows were thick and full and he had a slight mustache above his full set of lips. From the moment I looked into them I was hooked.

As he approached me my heart started racing. Missy started hitting my leg.
“Stop!”
  I whispered to her trying not to laugh.

“Aye, What up?”  He said.  I hung onto his every word.

“You Yvette little sister right?”

“Yes.”  I replied sheepishly. I could barely get the words out.

“She told me you know how to braid.”

“Yeah I do.”

“So what up?
  Can you hook me up?”

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

He sat down on the steps of the porch. I looked at Missy in shock.

“Wha-right now?”
I asked.

             
“What, you can’t?” He asked turning back to me and trapping me back inside his eyes.

“No, I mean I can.” I said regaining my composure.

“I’ma
go
in the house right quick.”  Missy said smiling before going inside.

I sat quietly for a moment trying to decide what to say next.  I looked up and a red Probe flew down the street blasting SWV’s “Weak.” I laughed a little to myself because of the irony. I finally broke the silence.

“Ummm you want me to come to you or do you want to come to me?”  I asked him nervously.

“I’ll come to you.”  He stood up and walked toward me sending another jolt between my legs. Before he could sit on the ground in front of me I stood up.

“Hold on real quick.”  I said entering the house and grabbing a black cushion.  Missy was seated on the loveseat watching TV.

“What’s happening now?”

“Nothing yet.
  I’m about to braid his hair.”  I said going inside the bathroom and snatching a comb and mirror.  I came back out and placed the cushion in front of my chair and sat down.  He sat between my legs. My hands were shaking as I began to part his hair.

“Do you want it any special way?”