At Last (12 page)

             
Standing underneath the shower jets, I washed my hair massaging shampoo into it and slowly rinsing it out.  I had finished washing up, but I couldn’t force myself to leave yet. I stood there letting the water stream down my curves contemplating everything. I knew what I wanted to do, but still wasn’t sure if I could do it.

             
Eventually, I cut the water off and got out.  As I was leaving the shower I noticed a huge clump of black hair lying in the drain.  I was losing my hair.  This fool had me stressed.

             
I put in some leave- in- conditioner and combed my hair into a ponytail.  Looking in the mirror was like staring at a different person.

             
I‘d lost weight. My once full face looked gaunt. I looked sick. My rich milk chocolate skin had started to fade.  My eyes had slight bags underneath them and lacked the luster and sparkle they once held.

             
I threw on a pair of sweatpants along with a fitted white T-shirt and went downstairs to make Taylor breakfast.  She was already eating when I made it down there.  It had slipped my mind that Ava, Durran’s cook, was working today.  She came in every other day.

             
“Morning, Mommy.” Taylor said as she jumped down off the stool to hug and kiss me.

             
“Morning, Baby.”  I greeted kissing her back, “Whatcha you eating?”

             
“Miss Ava made me some French toast.  It’s good!” She said as she climbed back on the stool and put a piece of it in her mouth greedily.

             
I began to laugh, “Well that’s good baby.”

             
“Morning, Miss Keisha.” Ava said to me in her thick Spanish accent.

             
Ava was a short heavy set woman. She had short red hair, olive skin and warm light brown eyes.  She was from Costa Rica.  She had worked for Durran since he’s lived in Atlanta.

             
“Morning, Miss Ava.  How are you?”  I asked as I sat down at the island on a bar stool next to Taylor.

             
“I’m fine, Miss Keisha. Are you hungry?”

             
“Sure she is. Look at her.” Durran said as he crept from the lower level.

             
“Morning Miss Ava. How are you, Keisha?” Durran asked unusually gleeful. You would think he’d forgotten what had happened between us last night.

             
“Morning Mr. Johnson.”
Ava said with a smile.

             
“Good morning, Durran.” I responded. I remained civil for Taylor’s sake, but had it not been for her, I would have ignored his ass.

             
“Good morning, Dee.” Taylor said obviously feeling left out.

             
“What up, TayTay.”  He said kissing her on the forehead.

             
Taylor just ate it up. She began to bounce on her stool laughing as he sat down on the opposite side of me.

             
“Ava, get Miss Keisha some French toast, Turkey bacon and some fruit.
Strawberries and a few pieces of cantaloupe.
  Make sure you top that off with a glass of mimosa.”

             
“Yes Mr. Johnson.”  Ava said scurrying around in the kitchen.  I didn’t turn to face him.  I acted like he wasn’t even there.

             
“Mommy, when will it be my birthday?” Taylor asked while stuffing food in her mouth.

             
“Taylor, we don’t talk with our mouths full remember?”

             
“Sorry.”  She replied before chewing her food completely and swallowing, “Okay, all done!  Mommy, when is it going to be my birthday?”

             
I laughed, “When you wake up tomorrow it’ll will be your birthday, baby.”

             
“Yay!
I can’t wait for my party.  I’ll be four years old!”

             
“Yeah baby. Me either.”

             
Taylor finished her food and climbed off the stool, “Can I go play Mommy?”

             
“Yeah baby for a little while.  We got to go run some errands later though.”

             
“Okay.”  She said disappearing down the hallway.

             
I picked up an Essence Magazine and continued to ignore Durran.

             
“
You ignoring
me now?” He asked. I began to flip pages n
onchalantly. He began to laugh,
“How was your night?”

             
“How is your soundboard?” I asked.

             
He began to laugh again, “Damn. It’s actually pretty fucked up, but I can have that replaced. Anything can be replaced, you feel me?”

             
I just sat silently reading the magazine. I knew he said that to evoke a reaction. What, were you gonna replace me? I’m sure he wanted to hear that. I wasn’t going to entertain him.

             
“I see how it is. Well if it means anything, I’m sorry about last night.  I get in that zone when I’m working. I told you when y’all first moved in, when I’m in the studio, I can’t be interrupted. Time is money, baby.”

             
I continued to read.  He smacked his teeth and stood up, “So you really
not talking
to me, huh?  Well, I just wanted to let you know a reporter from Essence is coming by tomorrow to do a profile on me”

             
“Taylor’s party is tomorrow.  How do you plan to do that?”

             
“You see it as a problem; I see it as an opportunity.” He stated.

He had to be kidding me, “
So
you gon’ use me and Taylor to create some perfect family image?”

             
“You making me seem really exploitive. I’m not using anything.  I’m just telling you what to expect tomorrow.”  He replied leaning on the island, “This is how it’s gonna be sometimes.  You wanted this life here with me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want it with you too, but a price comes along with it. It ain’t all roses.” He explained.

             
“What exactly are you referring to?
Essence or you cheating on me?”
I asked angrily.

             
He stopped leaning and stood up straight before studying me and shaking his head, “Is this about that rubber? Why you goin’ through my pockets anyway? So you found a rubber in my pocket, obviously I didn’t use it.  You need to be thankful that if I was gonna creep out on you, I wouldn’t bring you some shit back from them streets.”

             
I couldn’t believe how arrogant he was being. I couldn’t stand to look at him any longer.  This time it
wouldn’t be Grey Goose on a sound board if I didn’t get away from him immediately.

             
“You know what Ava, I’m not really hungry. Don’t waste your time.”

             
“Are you sure honey?”

             
“I’m certain. Thanks anyway.”  I said before storming off.

             
I ran upstairs to Durran’s room and went directly into my closet. I pulled out my suitcase and hurled it on top of the bed. I was going back to Detroit. I couldn’t deal with Durran anymore. It had become too much.

             
I began throwing anything and everything into it at a feverish pace before finally stopping and breaking down. Durran finally entered the room. He looked as calm as ever. It bothered me so much.

             
“What are you doing, Keisha?”  He asked simply before shutting the door behind him.

             
“I’m leaving you.  I’m sick of this shit! How you gon’ sit there, look me in the eyes and tell me that it’s alright for you to screw around!? You don’t care about nothing but yourself!”

             
“I didn’t say that.  I said that I care enough about you not to bring some bullshit home to you.  You are hearing what you wanna hear.”

             
“I’m hearing what you said, Durran. Don’t worry about it though. We don’t have to keep having these disagreements. We don’t have to keep being in this toxic ass relationship. I’m gonna make it really easy for you, okay?” I said holding back tears.

             
“Keisha, you trippin’.
You just need to blow off some steam.” He said grabbing the suitcase. I tried to reach for it, but he held me back dropping it next to the bed.

             
I began to swing wildly at his chest. He let me land strike after strike before finally grabbing my arms and throwing me on the bed. He crept on top of me holding my wrists. I couldn’t move at all. I screamed demanding him to let me go.

             
“Keisha, calm down.” He pleaded.

             
“Let go of me, Durran! Fuck you!” I screamed.

             
“Please, Mama. Don’t leave me.  Please don’t leave me. I love you, Keish.  I didn’t mean it. I don’t care about these bitches. I love you! Just give me another chance, please.”  He said kissing my face.  He tried to kiss my lips, but I quickly moved my head.

             
“Why do you treat me like this!?”  I yelled. I couldn’t stop crying.

             
“I don’t know, baby. I swear I don’t. I’ma change. I promise. You know I love you. You love me…we meant to be together. You know that.” He said softly with the most conviction I’d ever heard from him.

             
My tears had stopped by now. I looked him in the eyes and sighed. I wanted so badly to believe him.  I wanted to believe that things would get better. 
             
Something was telling me that they wouldn’t though.  Things would always be the same. Durran hadn’t changed since the block party. It was saddening.

             
“I love you more than anything in the world.”  He said finally freeing my wrists. He then held my face in his hands and began to kiss me lightly slowly slipping his tongue into my mouth.

             
I was fighting so hard, but I knew it
was
a losing battle.  It had been so long since the last time we had sex I had almost forgotten how his touch made me feel.

             
“Don’t leave me Mama,” He said between kisses. He ripped off my shirt and bra and his tongue
traveled to my breasts.  They were aching for his touch.  He took my left nipple in his mouth and sucked and nibbled on it until I cried out in sheer ecstasy.  He took my right nipple and stroked with the same passion as he sucked the left.

             
I pulled his shirt over his head and pushed his sweatpants off as well.  I pulled him close to me.  He trailed kisses down my stomach, removing my jogging pants in one swift motion.

             
Spreading my legs and interlocking his arms underneath my body he buried his face in my love nest.  Between sucks and licks, he professed his undying love for me. Tears streamed down my face, not because of what he was doing to my body, but what he was doing to my soul.

             
At first the licks were slow and sensual than faster and faster.  As his speed increased so did my orgasm.  My body convulsed and shuddered as my rain came down. I arched my back off the bed as he pulled me closer to him and lapped up every drop of my sweet nectar.

             
He then thrust himself inside of me as far as he could go. It created such an indescribable feeling. No one could make my body feel the way Durran could. I was in sheer delight physically.

             
But something was different.  I felt like I was having an outer body experience.  For the first time even through all our nonsense, I felt detached from him. When he reached his climax, he rolled off me and began to stare at the ceiling. I glanced at him before turning on my side and staring off blankly. I knew from that point on, the end was near.

Chapter Ten

             
Taylor slept in my arms as the train swayed back and forth.  It was a chore getting her to drift off to sleep. Unlike my sweet little baby,   I couldn’t rest.  I didn’t know what was ahead of me.  The only thing I was certain of was that I had left my heart in Georgia.

             
No matter how much I wanted our problems to disappear, my love for him was not a cure for our toxic relationship. Everything was not at Durran’s doorstep though.  I accepted things that I shouldn’t have accepted and turned the other way on several occasions in attempt to salvage the relationship. And because of that my mind was steady working overtime.