Ashes to Ashes (17 page)

“And you know what else?” she says. “I was never strong enough to do
any of this
when I was alive. But in death, I'm living it up.”

Just then, the familiar
chug-chug-chug
comes within earshot. “Okay,” I say. I face the tracks. “I'll go.”

I'm only a little afraid—I'm used to stepping up to the edge of the cliff, but never without a safety harness. This is different. But it might be ten times as fun.

“She's ready!” shouts Leo, clapping.

Delia smiles at me. “It's a little scary the first time. Which means it's also the biggest rush.”

Reena links her arm through mine and cocks her head, looking at me sideways. “You're sure?” she asks.

I watch the approaching headlights, still off in the distance. “Yeah,” I say, with utter conviction.

She smiles approvingly. I experience a little prerush knowing that I'm being accepted into this daredevil group.

“Let's try something bigger,” says Leo, approaching us.

“What?” I ask.

“This,” he says. Then he puts his massive arms around my waist and hoists me into the air. I stiffen, not quite trusting him, but then Reena laughs as Leo carries me. He's still holding on to me from behind as he puts me down and centers us on the tracks. “I'll do it with you,” he says, and immediately I'm relieved. I know I can stare down a train; I just don't know if I'll be able to stand there without dodging while it runs right through me.

Leo is a foot taller than I am, and I'm glad for his presence as I look up at the sky. I feel dizzy as I take in the line of stars that is Orion's Belt, the blurry cluster of the Seven Sisters, the crooked handle of the Big Dipper.

“It's better if you face it head-on,” says Leo. I pull my gaze down to the bright headlights that are getting closer and closer. I glance over at Reena, Delia, and Norris, who are bouncing around, excited. Norris gives me a thumbs-up.

I start to feel a pull where Leo's hands are around my waist, like he's pinching me internally and drawing out some of my strength. He howls eerily up at the sky.

“We're gonna stop this freaking train!” he shouts.

“What?” I try to face him, but his hold on me is so strong that I can't budge. My nerves start pinging.

“Your energy is powerful enough, Callie,” he whispers in my ear. “We can do it—do anything—together.” Then, in a booming voice, he yells, “There's no limit to our powers now that we have our Lucky Charm!”

Almost frozen with dread, I'm staring at the approaching engine. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Reena edging closer to us.

“My heart is racing,” I rasp.

“Your heart? Callie, you're dead. You don't have a pulse.”

“Oh,” I say.
Right
. Muscle memory, but wow, is it a strong memory.

The train races closer, not slowing or relenting in any way.
The driver can't see us.

“But it feels like that, like my heartbeat is speeding up,” I say to Leo, with a nervous trill.

He laughs. “Relax into it, Callie. Trust me, you only die once.”

I realize how silly I sound—I know I'm imagining the heartbeat, a leftover memory. But I can feel it. The heartbeat, the panic . . . I can taste that on-the-edge coppery adrenaline that I love so much. I always get this rush, just when I'm about to do something that could—

“I can't,” I whisper.

“No choice,” says Leo darkly, and then there's an intense pull from the sides of my body, like the worst kind of running cramps—he's taking my energy. An eruption of fear flashes through me as a blue light streams from the spot where we're standing, streaking for the train.

“No!” I scream as loud as I can. Someone crashes into us, shutting down the blue light and catapulting us off the tracks.
Reena
.

“Portal!” she hisses at me.

“Where?” The three of us are rolling down the edge of the tracks as the train whizzes by, mercifully untouched.

“Somewhere safe.”

I close my eyes: cream walls, peach rug, daffodil bedspread, lace curtains.
Carson.
I lift my hand, full of energy, and in a flash, Reena and I are tumbling through the portal I've created, out of the way of the train and Leo's intensity, and onto my best friend's bedroom floor.

Sixteen

“NICK,
JESUS
,” SAYS CARSON. She's extra pissed if she's taking the Lord's name in vain. She rolls her eyes. “Did you drive like that?”

“You said to come,” he says. “I'm here. And now you're giving me a hard time?”

I stand up and help Reena to her feet. My heart is still racing from Leo's attempt to harness my energy and create a catastrophe.

“What just happened?” I ask Reena.

She smooths out her long dark hair. “Leo's excited by all the energy you have,” she says lightly. “He went a little overboard.”

“A little overboard? Was he really trying to
stop a train
?”

She laughs. “I know, it sounds nuts, but your energy creates new possibilities for all of us. He got carried away.”

I bite my lip, thinking that's the understatement of the year. But Reena is so calm, so collected. Am I overreacting?

“Do you think he would have succeeded?”

“Doubtful.”

That's hardly comforting.

“Well, thanks for saving me,” I say.

“I didn't save you. Nothing would have happened to you. I just saw that you were getting scared. He shouldn't push you to do things you're not ready for.”

“I did get scared,” I say, feeling sheepish and a little cowardly. I never backed away from an adrenaline rush before, but something about Leo sets all my nerves on edge.

She smiles. “It happens. So where are we?”

“My friend Carson's room.”

Reena's eyes light up as she takes in our surroundings, and I'm glad she's so interested in my life and getting to know the people in it.

“And that is . . .” Reena points at Nick, who looks haggard and, well, wasted.

“My boyfriend, Nick,” I say quietly. “He's . . .”

“ . . . having a hard time with things,” says Reena, filling in my pause.

“Yeah,” I say.

“He's really cute. Too bad he wasn't with you in the car.”

I stare at her.

She waves a hand. “Kidding. But he is hot.”

“He's looked better.”

“Grief is disheveling. So what's he doing in your best friend's bedroom?” she asks, narrowing her eyes.

“Oh, no,” I say hastily, realizing what she's thinking. “It's not like that. I mean, I don't know why he's here, but Carson and Nick would never—”

“It's a séance,” says Reena, interrupting. “They're trying to call you back.”

I focus on the details then. The glow from the more than twenty candles in Carson's room is otherworldly. She's sitting cross-legged on the floor at the end of her bed, on top of the peach shag area rug we picked out together at Urban Outfitters. Spread in front of her is a full-on mystic setup: crystal ball, Ouija board, and an old-looking book called
Summoning the Spirits
.

Nick starts to sit across from her, but Carson stops him.

“Clean yourself up first,” she says, pointing to the hallway bathroom.

Nick grumbles but goes. I hear the water running, and I hope a splash in the face will sober him up.

“This girl is
serious
,” says Reena.

“Yeah, she is.”

I'm a little protective of Carson; I'm not sure if Reena's making fun of her. I walk over near my best friend.

“Cars, what are you doing?” I say out loud.

I settle onto the floor across from her and study my best friend. Carson is
right there
. Her face is sad but determined, and I realize something: I left her. And my goal with this haunting thing? It's to leave her again, to move on to Solus and never ever see my friend go to college, get a job, get married, maybe have kids.

“I'm so sorry, Cars. I always thought we'd be rocking on the porch together with white hair one day. I'd come back if I could.”

And though it was only a whisper, her eyes pop open.

“Did you hear me?” I ask, louder this time. “Carson?”

She doesn't respond, but she looks around the room as though she's truly seeing it for the first time. Then she opens the book in front of her and flips to a page that's been dog-eared. She's concentrating on the words when Nick comes back in.

“Sit down,” Carson orders. He looks at her New Age circle and bursts out laughing. He rocks forward and back in that drunk way, and for a second I'm incredibly disappointed. This isn't like him. I wish I had the ability to grab his shoulders and shake him until his teeth rattle. I've never been this angry with him.

I glance back at Reena. “He's not normally like this.”

“No judgment,” she says. “Losing someone is tough.”

Nick stares at the circle for a moment, and I wonder if he's going to sit where I am, but he doesn't. Maybe he senses me here? He settles in on Carson's left side and closes his eyes.

“Oooommm,” he hums.

“What are you doing?” Carson snaps.

“Aren't we chanting or something?” he asks.

“This isn't yoga class. We are summoning Callie's spirit.”

“Right, right,” says Nick, a patronizing smile on his lips. His eyes are half closed—he looks so out of it.

“We're going to bring her back,” says Carson, her voice determined. “I need you to take this seriously and stop goofing around.”

“Cars, I showed up, didn't I?” says Nick, slurring his words. “I must be freaking crazy for doing any of this, for even letting you believe that it's possible. . . .”

He stops and drops his head forward for a moment, and I think he might confess that he's felt my presence—I know he has. But he just looks up at Carson and says, “I came because you asked me to.”

“I wouldn't have asked if I'd known you were drunk. You're lucky you didn't kill someone on your way over here.”

Nick puts his hands over his face like it pains him to hear her voice. “You don't know what I'm dealing with!” I can hear the anger underneath his words.

“I know what I've heard,” says Carson, her lips tight in a thin line. “But I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because you were the other closest person to Callie, and she believed in you.”

He winces.

What has Carson heard?

I glance up at Reena and see her raised eyebrows. Then she gives me a sympathetic shrug. “They do go on. They start to have experiences that we don't know about.”

“I hate that part,” I say, turning back to my friends.

“Yeah, it really sucks,” Reena mutters.

“Fine,” says Nick, and I can tell he's making an effort to be calm. “So go ahead already. Prove me wrong.”

“I will,” says Carson. And then she closes her eyes.

“Guardians of the spirit realm, hear my plea . . . ,” she starts. She says it with a straight face, taking this very seriously as she always has. “Bring Callie McPhee to me. Other souls who hear this call are not welcome. Only Callie McPhee may enter this sacred space.”

“Cars,” I say, talking over her as she keeps chanting those words. “You don't need this whole setup. I'm already with you, right here!”

I look back at Reena, who's leaning against the wall with her arms folded. She's smiling indulgently.

“I know she can't hear me,” I say, preempting any chastising. “But it's hard not to just talk to her.”

“She can't hear you, but the more you try to connect with her, the more she'll feel you,” says Reena, which is so comforting. “Talk away. It can't hurt.”

“You should be a Guide,” I tell her.

She laughs. “You really don't know me that well if you believe that.”

“I know enough.” I smile with gratitude. Because Reena is a real friend—she's helping me connect. And I know I can do it this time.

Carson's still chanting with her eyes closed, and it seems like Nick is falling asleep. His head is slumped forward at a weird angle.

I focus all my attention on Carson, pouring all my energy toward her. “This isn't going to work,” I say to her softly. “It's not because I don't want to come back—I'd give anything to be alive again, to be heading out on our next adventure and to let you film my latest stunt. I'd even do dumb séances like this with you. . . .”

I look over at Nick and feel a surge of affection. Okay, he's being sort of an ass, but he's
here
. He's doing that for Carson.

“Cars, you have to help Nick deal with this. You're strong—you always have been. Stronger than me and stronger than Nick and maybe even stronger than my dad.”

I pause on the last word, and when I fall silent she stops chanting, too. She looks straight ahead, almost right at me.

“Cal, are you here?” she whispers.

“Yes!” I shout.

“If you're here, give me a sign, Callie,
please
.”

She's not hearing me. I need something more. Maybe I can try the candles—I've already made that work once at the fire pit. I lean over to the one with the rainbow wax at the left of her circle and concentrate.
Birthdays, trick candles, the night with Nick.
Whoosh! It's out.

“Awesome!” Reena shouts. “That's the way to do it.”

With pride, I beam back at her.

Carson stares in wonder at the thin stream of smoke trailing from the wick, but I can tell she's still unsure. So I lean to the right toward a thicker scented candle she has burning, and I manage to blow out that one, too.

“You
are
here!” Carson clasps her hands near her heart. “Oh my gosh, I knew it.” She glances back down at the book. “Hold on—stay here, Callie!”

Nick lifts his head up. “Huh?”

“Were you asleep?” Carson huffs. “Nick, Callie's spirit is here! She blew out
both
candles!”

Nick frowns and checks the windows—closed. “
If
that happened, it was probably the air from the AC,” he says.

“It was
not,
” she insists. “Now pay attention, you lush.”

Quickly, she flips to another page. “Shoot. We need something of Callie's.”

“Huh?”

“We need something of hers to place in the circle.” Carson scans her room.

“Would this work?” Nick holds up my amber heart pendant, and Carson's eyes light up.

“Perfect.” She places it between them and starts reading another incantation. “By the light of the moon and the branch of the tree, I call the soul of Callie McPhee back to me. . . .”

“Carson, stop with the stupid chants,” I say. “They're not why I'm here. I came on my own. This is all just fake-magic nonsense.”

But she doesn't stop—she still can't hear me. “By the light of the moon and the branch of the tree, I call the soul of Callie McPhee back to me. . . .”

She pauses. “Say it with me, Nick,” she commands.

He gives her a look like
Are you effing kidding me?

“Please,” she pleads. “For Callie.”

He sighs deeply and bows his head, making a curl flop over his brow. Then he joins in as they slowly say these ridiculous words together.

“By the light of the moon and the branch of the tree, I call the soul of Callie McPhee back to me. . . .”

I look back at Reena.

She shrugs. “Hey, they're trying. It's more than anyone did for me after I died.”

“I know Carson seems crazy right now,” I say, speaking loudly over their chants. “She's just a really determined girl and—”

My voice locks up. I can no longer speak. As Carson and Nick continue chanting, I start to feel a buzzing inside. It starts in my center—right beneath my heart, like something's shaking my core. The vibrations increase in intensity, rattling the deepest part of my being. I experience the sensation of dropping into space, like I can't hold on to anything around me. You know that feeling when you're about to fall asleep but then you wake up suddenly, like you just had a sharp fall? It's like that, but it's not stopping. I'm falling and falling and . . .

What's going on?
I can only think the words; I can't voice them.

My vision goes black. I hear a high-pitched noise, and I feel severe pain throughout my body. I'm shattered, pulled apart, all my bones are broken. I can't breathe, and air is rushing around me—people are moving quickly, running and shouting.
Can I really hear them, or am I just imagining voices?
I think I hear my father.

I panic and my heart races—not in the exciting way, like when I'm taking a calculated risk, but in a full-blown freak-out. There is light and wind and sound whirling around me like I'm trapped within the center of a tornado. Fear. Raw, jagged fear pierces through me like a sharp blade, slicing open my sense of balance, my rational thought, my understanding of everything around me. I experience more absolute terror than in the moment I died. That instant just rushed past me, but this one is terrifyingly prolonged.

Just as I think I might lose my mind, I feel a soft pull, like in the tidal pools at the beach, where it seems gentle but it's actually carrying you far away. I give in to the pull, willing it to rescue me, and when I let it take hold, the pain disappears.

My eyes flash open and I'm back in my prism, in my bed, with Reena hovering over me.

I sit up, bracing myself with my hands, and take a deep breath. “What the hell happened?” I ask her.

“I'm not sure,” she says slowly. “Lie back. You've been out for a while.”

Why is she treating me like I'm fragile?

“I'm fine,” I say, staying upright. Truthfully, I feel full of energy, like I could fly right now if I tried.

“What do you remember?” she asks.

I search through my recent memories. “We were with Carson . . . she was chanting. Nick was there . . . and then . . .”