As I Close My Eyes (31 page)

I walked home in defeat. Having to explain the situation to John and Rebecca would be another challenge, one which would cause me to have a breakdown. I hoped they would be asleep when I got inside. Thankfully, the house was quiet and I settled into our bed to try and get some sleep.

I held Robert’s sweat-soaked pillow in my arms and sobbed, thinking about the few weeks I’d have left with him.

*  *  *

Everyone at the party surrounded me while Ben held me on his lap. His mother had called 911, and they were on their way.

“
Danielle, we have to get you home,” said Ben as he cradled my head.

The paramedics arrived seconds later, pushing through the crowd of people. A short, stocky woman knelt down beside me and checked out my vital signs, making me follow things with my eyes. Another skinny man checked my breathing and heart rate with a stethoscope. It embarrassed me to have to do all of this in front of everyone at the party. Dozens of guests stood around me, too close for my own comfort, gasping and talking about me as if I wasn’t there.

“
What happened?” Shannon asked as she put her arm around me in concern.

“
I don’t know. I felt faint and passed out, I guess. It might just be that there were too many people here and I got claustrophobic.”

“
That’s never bothered you before,” Shannon replied, tilting her head and squinting her eyes. She got up and walked away, whispering to one of Ben’s friends standing by. I assumed it was about me.

After the paramedics couldn’t find an answer to why I passed out, they packed up their equipment and asked me to call my family doctor. Ben took the advice and told them I would.

“
Everyone, can I have your attention for a moment?” Ben asked, standing on the platform towards the back of the room just beyond the red velvet ropes. “I’m really grateful to all of you for coming here tonight and sharing this anniversary with me. Thank you for your love and support. I do think it’s in the best interest of my date, however, to say good-night.”

“
We love you, Ben!” shouted Tristan from the crowd.

Ben let out a quick laugh and came to my side, scooping me up in his arms. Again, I was embarrassed.

When we arrived at his house, he laid me down on the couch in the living room and got me a cup of tea. His family stayed at the store to clean up from the night while the rest of his friends went to the nearest hotel to check in.

“
I think you need to go see a specialist about this, Dani,” said Ben, as he leaned over and put a cool washcloth on my forehead.

“
What are they going to do, Ben? ‘Oh, yup, she’s nuts, put her in the mental institution down the street,’” I sarcastically replied.

“
Come on. You’re not nuts, there’s just something going on that we can’t explain because we’re not doctors. Maybe they’ve seen this happen before. What if you have a brain tumor or something?” he asked.

“
Ben, I don’t have a brain tumor.”

“
You don’t know that. I’m worried about you,” he said as he lovingly kissed my forehead.

“
I’ll be okay. I just have to learn how to control it. Let’s go to bed. I’m sorry I ruined your surprise party.”
             

“
You didn’t ruin anything. In fact, you made it more interesting,” he said with a laugh and proceeded to carry me upstairs to the bedroom. He fell asleep in a matter of minutes and I lay there staring at the ceiling. I began to think about everything while Ben was asleep.

Could I be flashing back so much more often because Ben and I were spending more time together? I couldn’t put him through this anymore. I was being selfish. I’d be leaving for college in a few weeks anyway. I had to leave him. The decision was made. As deeply in love as I was with him, I knew I had to create some space between us to see if the flashbacks would stop. I slowly got out of the bed and packed up my things quietly. I left a note on the kitchen island.

Ben,

I love you with all of my heart, but you deserve better than me. I can’t do this to you anymore. Please don’t call me. I need some time to figure all of this out. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. It was the first anniversary of your business and I ruined it, like I’ve ruined every other moment between us lately.

Dani

In one day I had thrown Ben a surprise party, given him the most thoughtful present I had ever given anyone, and decided to break up with him.

I cried the entire way back to Sugar Hill.

Chapter 30

Ben left over thirty texts and fifteen voice messages on my cell phone, none of which I responded to.

*I love you. Call me. You don’t have to leave.*

*Dani, please don’t do this.*

*You’re the love of my life and we’ll figure this out together. You don’t owe me anything.*

*Where are you? Please just let me know you’re alright.*

*Okay, I get it. Just call me when you’re ready.* This was the last text I received. It took me almost a half-hour just to go through all of his messages.

I spent the next week in my room, only emerging to eat and go to the bathroom. Seeing as how I didn’t eat much, which meant I didn’t have to go to the bathroom that often, it was only once or twice a day that I actually got up out of bed. My insides were twisted into a battered mess of sorrow and guilt. Ben deserved someone stable and settled. It was a
grueling
choice to make, but one I knew was the right decision. However, there was a substantial part of me that wasn’t sure where life would take me after having given up the one good thing I had. In a single day, I’d wake up feeling like I done the right thing. I’d get dressed and ready and twenty minutes later, fall to the floor in defeat.

Spinning in my desk chair, I spotted the handmade bookmark and
Pride and Prejudice
atop my nightstand. Each time I circled around, they were there, reminding me I had just lost the only person in this world who truly understood my life as Danielle Grayson and Caroline Marcum. I couldn’t bear to hide them in the drawer below, though. That would mean there was no going back and I wasn’t ready to commit to that yet, despite the letter I left for Ben.

One day blended into the next, only
signaling
the arrival of another daunting 24-hours by the rise of the sun. Occasionally Mama would knock on my bedroom door, which would indicate a tray of food was outside waiting for me. She tried her best to cheer me up with a fresh vase of flowers accompanying each meal and a kind-hearted note expressing how much she loved me. I read every word and smelled every petal, but the flowers only reminded me of the bouquets Ben would bring me, and the notes made me think about how dispassionate my letter to Ben was. I hadn’t even had the decency to wake him that night and explain myself.

The next few weeks passed without me returning Ben’s calls and without Eric returning mine. Eric was the only other person I could trust with the secret I had confidentially divulged to Ben, and I felt continents away from him. I wondered where Eric was and what he was doing. Did he like Boston? Did he think of me? I felt so lost without him to talk to. We never fought and it had been over a month without even a phone call.

I had stopped talking to Eric and Ben, the two men in my life I cherished most. Occasionally I thought I saw Ben’s Audi parked outside and I pictured him sitting there watching the house, waiting for me to make an appearance so we could talk. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through, but I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to fix this before going back to Gainesville, which was only a week away.

“
Honey, you can’t stay up here for the rest of eternity,” said Mama through the door. “Why don’t you come downstairs and get something for dinner?”

I came out with knotted hair and a pale complexion, ten pounds thinner than I was a week before.

“
Oh Danielle, honey,” said Mama, as she hugged me.

I ate a slice of cold pizza and decided to call Shannon since I hadn’t talked to her in weeks, either. I needed to see what her plans were for driving back to school, anyway.

“
Dani, where the hell have you been?” Shannon asked.

“
Ben and I just didn’t work out. Sorry, I couldn’t really talk to anyone.”

“
Why did you break up
?”

“
It’s complicated. It wasn’t really a breakup, but I don’t feel like getting into it. Hey, I was really calling to see when you were going back to school.”

“
Oh, we’re leaving tomorrow,” Shannon replied.

“
Tomorrow? Why so soon? We still have another week.”

“
Well, Brad and I got an apartment so we want to move in as soon as possible.”

“
You did? I thought you were going to be my roommate at the apartment we got together last year.” Now I was really annoyed.

“
Yeah, um. We just decided this, Dani. I was going to call you.”

I hung up the phone before she could explain. There goes another person I had just cut out of my life.

“
Everything okay, sweetie?” asked Mama.

“
Fabulous,” I said as I slammed the phone down and ran upstairs.

I frantically packed everything for school, throwing random clothes from my closet into suitcase after suitcase before I crumbled onto the floor. I fought the urge to call Ben. The comfort of his embrace was something I longed for, but I knew I had to accept the decisions I had made.

Mama heard me crying and sat next to me on the floor. “Look, I’ll pack your clothes. Why don’t you go and take a bath to relax?” she said. “You’re fixin’ to get yourself locked up in an insane asylum with the way you’re lookin’ right now, Dani.”

I followed her instructions and settled into the water, but this just made me think about the many times Ben and I had had intimate moments while submerged in the various lakes of the East Coast. I decided that I needed to get out of Georgia all together. Then it occurred to me - I hadn’t had any dreams since Ben’s party. I wondered if my plan worked and I hoped Ben would someday forgive me. It did, however, solidify my theory that Ben’s presence caused the dreams to become more prevalent.

I didn’t spend too much time in the bathtub. Instead, I sat wrapped in my oversized ivory towel on the edge of the tub with my feet dipped delicately in the water.

When I got back into my room, Mama had all of my clothes neatly folded into three suitcases with a note that said, “I love you!” on the inside of the biggest one.

I got dressed into new clothes for the first time in three days and opened up the laptop on my desk to check for my sophomore schedule. I clicked through page after page and came upon a section advertising an international study trip to England with only one spot left for the coming semester. It was perfect. I could get out of Georgia altogether. If anything, I’d have the chance to just be me for a while.