Are We Live?
Authors: Marion Appleby
First published in Great Britain in 2012 by
Michael O’Mara Books Limited
9 Lion Yard
Tremadoc Road
London SW4 7NQ
Copyright © Michael O’Mara Books Limited 2012
All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Papers used by Michael O’Mara Books Limited are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
ISBN: 978-1-84317-866-8 in paperback print format
ISBN: 978-1-84317-963-4 in EPub format
ISBN: 978-1-84317-964-1 in Mobipocket format
Cover design by Ana Bjezancevic
Designed and typeset by K.DESIGN, Somerset
Illustrations by Andrew Pinder
Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Cox & Wyman, Reading, RG1 8EX
Bad Romance: Romantic Misfires
Bodily Dysfunction: Letting Loose
Not In Front of the Children: Close Your Ears
Current Affairs: Newsworthy Gaffes
Technical Gremlins: Ghosts in the Machine
Language Problems: Mouth Malfunctions
Nightmare Guests: Sack the Celebrity Booker
Weathermen: It’s Raining Divas
BRACE YOURSELF
In the live studio environment, anything can happen. This is why production companies rely on rigorously edited scripts, bossy floor managers and teams of runners to attend to a TV star’s every unreasonable whim. But all the meetings in the world cannot control that most uncontrollable of things: the human spirit. We humans do not speak according to schedule, we do not always flip the right switch, and sometimes we get angry. Very, very angry. Angry enough, even, to pull out a gun during the news.
Are We Live?
is a book about all the things that can, and have, gone wrong on television and radio. It’s about fluffing the autocue, swearing at audiences and saying no when your boyfriend proposes to you in the middle of a televised baseball game. It’s about ringing into a Saturday-morning children’s television show and calling yourself Jenny Tailia. It’s also about taking off all of your clothes and running across a cricket pitch, waving your pants in triumph. It’s about animals pooping and pecking; life and its very unpredictability.
This book is divided into handy sections, with not a misplaced word nor an accidental profanity littering its pages. It’s serious too, with important information for all public figures on How to Remember When Your Mic Is Still On. There are also heroes, like the amiable Guy Goma – the man who went for an interview in the accounts department of the BBC only to find himself on a rolling-news broadcast facing questions about illegal downloading. His horrified face should truly be a lesson to us all.
There are also rude bits; the bits some celebrities show us when they suffer accidental wardrobe malfunctions. Judy Finnigan, Nicki Minaj, lady newsreader with the too-short skirt: you have not exposed yourselves in vain. We remember you; we enjoyed your undeliberate flashes of boob and knicker.
Are We Live?
attempts to answer the most difficult of questions: Why would anyone agree to appear on live television? And who in their right mind would present a weather bulletin when standing next to a massive pelican?
ROMANTIC MISFIRES
Even the most jaded of souls likes a bit of romance in their life. But one thing’s for sure – a live broadcast is not the way to woo a potential partner, propose to your current squeeze or indeed call to an end a dying relationship. Especially if you both happen to be very famous.
There’s nothing like a story of a nice engagement to warm the heart. Although the same can’t be said for this story …
If live television teaches us anything it is: DO NOT USE IT TO PROPOSE TO YOUR PARTNER. For every one hundred accepted proposals, there are three angry ‘What?’ responses. And nobody, not even you, wants to be on the receiving end of one of those three.
Host #1:
We’ve got a little surprise for you out there in TV land, and here in the studio audience. Nobody knows what’s going on next.
Host #2:
I want to do something kind of special. This was not scripted, this was not a plan. Nobody knows this is about to happen. So not only are you watching this at home for the first time, all the people in the audience are watching it for the first time too. So, is there a Mike in the audience? Everybody give a nice round of applause for Mike!
Mike:
Yeah, um, I’ve been with my girlfriend Lynne for a few months now. Best months of my life. And ah, it’s the season, so I wanted to ask her …Lynne, ah, it’s been the happiest months of my life and I wanted to ask you to marry me.
Lynne:
Can we talk about this later? [ETERNITY-LENGTH PAUSE] …Can we?
Host#1:
Ah, we’ll be right back. Ah, awkward.
The Almost Late Show with Bobby Bones
