Another Piece of My Heart (43 page)

About the Author

• A Conversation with Jane Green

About Blended Families

• Statistics

• Resources

Keep on Reading

• Recommended Reading

• Reading Group Questions

Q: How personal is this story?

A: I’ve always drawn from the themes of my life, and with a blended family myself, I started to look at other blended families—particularly the ones that came with real challenges. I remember reading that once you marry someone with children, you are destroying the myth carried by all children of divorce: that their parents will reconcile. Of course we have had our own challenges—life is complicated enough without the additions of steps, halves, exes, etc.—and it isn’t always easy, but when problems arise, we work through them, which Andi and Ethan, sadly, aren’t able to.

Q: Why did you write this book?

A: I wanted to explore these issues on a personal level, and the more I read about stepparenting and what it is like to be a child of divorce, and the more people I spoke to, the more I realized how universal the themes are, even down to the language. Not all stepchildren scream, like Emily, “I hate you, you’ve ruined my life,” but so many confessed that if they hadn’t actually said the words out loud, they had thought them. As a stepmother myself who is trying to find her way, it seemed to make sense for me to tackle some of the issues that seemed so universal, although I will confess to being nervous. Luckily, all the characters emerged as their own people, particularly Emily.

Q: Have you been involved with blended families?

A: For the past five years, but I have long had friends who have had issues with steps, be they mothers or children. I was fascinated by a couple of things I read. One is that nobody wants to have a stepmother, and nobody wants to be a stepmother either. The other is that by marrying someone with kids, you are not only destroying the fantasy that the biological parents will reconcile, you are also taking more of that parent away from a child who has already experienced serious loss.

Q: How do you feel about blended families?

A: Clearly they are becoming more and more the norm, yet they are so much more challenging than people think. So often it seems women enter into blended families with huge naiveté. I heard countless women talk about how bemused they were that they had such a difficult relationship with their stepkids. They all walked in thinking they were good people, all they needed was to be loving and kind, and all would be well. And of course life is never that simple. Then there were the women who felt their husbands, or fathers, had to make a choice, with resentment setting in each time they felt he had chosen the other. I have discovered that it is essential that couples work together to form and present a solid bond and a united front to their children.

Q: Did you do any specific research for the book? What did you discover?

A: I mostly read, talked to friends, and lurked endlessly on stepparent forums. The stories I’ve come across are endlessly fascinating. Some stories are heartbreaking; others are wonderful and uplifting.

Q: What message would you like your readers to take away from this book?

A: The quote at the beginning about happiness being wanting what you’ve got is something I hope people take to heart. We all expend so much time and energy resenting people, places, and things we want to change, but of course the only person that ever needs to change is ourselves. Part of the Buddhist philosophy is that life is suffering, but the second, unspoken part is that pain is optional. How you react to the external things that happen to you dictates what kind of a life you have. Emily’s pain was not about Andi, it was about Emily, and the same is true for Andi.

Q: How do you decide on a subject or theme for your books?

A: Usually by looking at what’s going on around me—in my life and the lives of my friends. Often there is something that fascinates me, which drives the story of the novel. A recurring theme seems to be that people show you who they want you to believe they are, yet how do you know who to trust? I’m working on a book now that has a husband who seems to be the all-around great guy, but who is harboring a secret that is about to destroy everything.

Q: Was this book easy or hard to write?

A: It was easier than some of the others, but these days it is never as easy as it was in the beginning, before children, husbands, and life got in the way. The book took off for me once I took my editor’s suggestion and started writing in Emily’s voice—it gave me such understanding and empathy for her character. If anything, I think I ended up preferring Emily to Andi, which I hadn’t expected at all.

Q: Did you work on any alternate endings?

A: I never work on alternate endings. I may have a different ending written down on paper, but once I’m writing, and particularly toward the end of the book, the characters are so real to me they tell me where the stories will go.

Q: Do your characters determine the course of your plot? Or vice-versa?

A: Every time I’ve tried to focus on plot rather than character, I’ve got myself into terrible trouble. I have always found that if I have drawn my characters correctly, they will tell their own stories, sometimes creating far more work for me. But as horribly pretentious as it sounds, once a character has spoken, you can’t ignore it, unless you’re prepared to live with the guilt for the rest of your life.

Q: And finally—what does “motherhood” mean to you?

A: Intensity. The most intense joy, and pain, and happiness, and frustration, and sweetness, and hardship. I adore being a mother, and it has also forced me to face every aspect of my character, even those of which I am not so proud. I have the patience of a fruit fly, and motherhood brings out the best and the worst in me. But mostly it brings such a huge amount of wonder.

Q: You have a passion for cooking and decorating—and you have a love of making a house a home. Can you share with us your easiest, best ideas for making a family room a wonderful space, and can you share with us some of your best recipes for feeding a crowd?

A: I do love everything about the home, it’s true, and I built my house around the fact that because it is always filled with kids and friends, it needed to be a place that everyone would walk into and feel instantly comfortable. My easiest tricks are lots of soft pillows—they make even a hard sofa look inviting—with throws over the back of the sofa so kids can curl up, stacked books on the coffee table, and in between groupings of things you love—shells from the beach, candles, cute boxes—anything looks great when it is a collection; trays that can turn stools and benches into tables—then be easily removed for extra seating; different textures with natural elements: sisal rugs/stone pots/wood candle holders, baskets for storage. And my favorite is to cover sofas you hate with white canvas slipcovers.

As for recipes, for a crowd you want something that’s easily prepared in advance so you can enjoy your guests. My fallback at the moment is a slow-cooked onion chicken. My father has been making it for years, and I just added paprika and garlic to give it some more flavor, but it’s the easiest thing in the world. The onions brown, bringing out the sugars, turning the chicken a rich, sweet brown, and the chicken cooks to what is basically pulled-chicken, retaining all its moisture. This is what I cook for family and the friends who feel like family. For a more gourmet version I would probably add a bouquet garnish at the beginning to give it a more delicate flavor—a bunch of parsley stems, whole black peppercorns, thyme, and a bay leaf or two—and might serve it with a spoonful of sour cream or yogurt mixed with scallions and garlic. Serve with rice or orzo.

Here are some interesting statistics about blended families from the U.S. Bureau of the Census:

• One of three Americans is a stepparent, stepchild, stepsibling, or some other member of a blended family.
  
• More than half of Americans have been, are now, or will eventually be part of a stepfamily during their lives.
  
• Blended families are projected be the predominant family form in the U.S. by 2012.
  

• National Stepfamily Resource Center:
  http://www.stepfamilies.info/
  

• Winning Stepfamilies:
  http://www.winningstepfamilies.com
  

• Helpguide.org:
  www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm
  

Heart of the Matter
by Emily Griffin

A powerful, provocative novel about motherhood and marriage, love and forgiveness. (St. Martin’s Press)

Come Home
by Lisa Scottoline

The dramatic story of a family dealing with the aftermath of divorce and tragedy. (St. Martin’s Press)

7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild
by Suzen J. Zieghan, Ph.D.

A practical, upbeat guide to stepparenting from an acclaimed clinical psychologist. (St. Martin’s Griffin)

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
by Wednesday Martin.

A frank look at the role of stepmother, that guides and empowers women who are struggling.
(Houghton Mifflin Harcourt)

Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family
bySusan Wisdom

Great tips and strategies for once the bliss wears off and the realities and challenges of the blended family set in.
(Three Rivers Press)

W
hy Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?
by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.
Definitive advice from the bestselling author of
Get Out of My Life
. (Farrar, Straus and Giroux Paperbacks)

1. Jane Green’s novel,
   Another Piece of My Heart
   , opens with an anonymous quote: “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.” What exactly does this mean? How does it apply to Andi? To Emily? To other characters in the book? Would you say the quote applies to your life? How?
   
2. As the novel so vividly portrays, being part of a blended family can be extremely challenging. What are some of the mistakes Andi and Ethan make? What should they have done differently? What are some of the challenges that you and your own family have faced together?
   
3. From the beginning, Ethan’s younger daughter, Sophia, is very accepting of Andi, while his adolescent daughter, Emily, is resentful and rude. When it comes to dealing with big issues like divorce and second marriages, do you think it’s harder for younger children or for teenagers? How is it different, and why?
   
4. After five years of living together as a family, Andi still feels uncomfortable confronting or disciplining Emily—mostly because Ethan is a defensive dad. Do you think most parents are overprotective and blind to their children’s faults? Do you believe “it takes a village” to raise a child—or it’s none of your business? Have you ever given and/or received child-rearing advice? How did it go?
   
5. The author describes the relationship between Andi and Emily as “a pendulum swinging from love to hate.” Have you experienced anything like that in your own family? Is it normal or acceptable for teenagers to “hate” their parents or stepparents? Should you simply wait for the child to “grow out of it” or try to actively deal with the problem? How?
   
6. Andi’s neighbors tell her that “Ethan feels constantly guilty” about his divorce and its impact on his children—which is why he lets Emily get away with so much bad behavior. Emily, in turn, seems to take advantage of his guilt. Have you ever felt guilty over something that affects your family? Have you ever felt manipulated by a loved one?
   
7. Andi notices some dramatic differences between the home she grew up in and the family she married into—especially when it comes to setting “boundaries” with children. Do you think parenting has changed in recent years? Are parents more lenient today? Are children more spoiled? Would you raise a child the same way you were raised, or would you do it differently?
   
8. After Ethan tells Andi that he doesn’t want to adopt a child, he feels her pull away from him, as if “a switch has been flicked” in their relationship. Is he justified in his feelings on the subject of adoption, or is he being selfish? Is Andi justified in her feelings? What sort of things can change the way you feel about a loved one?
   
9. Nearly halfway through the book, the author begins to write some of the chapters from Emily’s first-person point of view. Why? How does each character’s point of view play a role in the story? Which character’s point of view do you relate to the most? Which character do you relate to the least?
   
10. Andi, Brooke, and Emily represent three types of mothers. How are they different? How are they alike? Does Emily have the right to call herself Cal’s “mother” after leaving him with Andi for three years? Do you think Andi has a legal right to have full custody? And, at some point in the future, do you think Emily should be able to get her child back?
    
11. What does it mean to be a “real mother”?