Another Man's Baby (12 page)

Eric waited, saw the disappointment settle around Gabi, saw her resolve. She was struggling with trying to say the right thing to make him feel better and trying so hard to push her feelings aside. A fake smile appeared on her face but she couldn’t do anything about the glittering tears that swam in her eyes. Eric had to give her credit, though, she was being brave.

“It’s okay, baby,” Gabi whispered through the tears as she rocked her body back and forth.

“It’s not okay.”

“Eric, there’s nothing we can do about it. Maybe we just need to have more faith,” Gabi said, remembering the words that had been whispered to her for the past months. She wrapped her arms around her husband, felt him shudder and held him tight. “It’s going to be alright, I promise you.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Gabi.”

“This one I can. Come on, we’re in this together.” Gabi wanted so badly to take her husband’s pain inside herself and carry his burden. She saw the hurt in his eyes and her heart broke for him. For a moment she forgot how to breathe. Eric didn’t need any more pain. Gabi didn’t think he could handle it.”

“But you’ve wanted a baby for so long.”

“So what? Maybe it’s not meant for us to have a baby. That doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. I’ve wanted you a lot longer than I wanted a baby and I have you. Just so the two of us are together I’m happy.”

Eric could feel Gabi trembling in his arms. He held her tighter as his throat started to close with pain. He groaned as he held her, wanting to believe she didn’t care, but knowing how this news had devastated her. What he wouldn’t give to be able to change things, or to do as she asked and have faith. But having faith was not going to change things. He was sterile.

“Gabi, baby, you know you’re just saying that. I know how this news makes you feel. I know how it makes me feel. You work around babies all the time, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to keep working around them, I’m a professional.”

“And what if another patient wants an abortion? Knowing what you know, that I can’t give you any babies, how are you going to feel?”

“The same way I felt before.” She pulled away to look at him. “This doesn’t change us. We’re still here.” She shook her head. “Don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

“Maybe we should talk to someone to help us get through this.”

“You mean I should talk to someone.” He moved away. “I don’t need to talk to anyone, Gabi, I just talked to you that’s enough.”

“Honey, don’t do this again, don’t shut me out. Baby, you were ready months ago to talk to someone. So what? We can’t have a baby, big deal.”

He narrowed his eyes and glared at her. “It is a big deal and we both know it. Don’t patronize me.”

Gabrielle took a deep breath to steady herself. Inside she was screaming, her nerves frayed. But now was not the time to give in to histrionics. “Yes, it’s a big deal but it’s not something that has to destroy our marriage. We love each other, we’ll get through this.”

“But you want a baby,” Eric walked to her, laid his hands on her abdomen and looked at her. “You’re never going to have that with me. Maybe we should give it up. Maybe you should find someone else. I’d understand.”

“Are you crazy? There’s nothing for you to understand. How can you even suggest I find someone else? In a couple of months we will be married ten years. Do you think that means nothing? What if the problem was with me? Would you leave me? Do you think I’d even let you? I’ll tell you now, I would never allow you to leave me and I’m not allowing you to attempt to just give me away. That’s not your choice. You don’t pick whom I love.”

“But, Gabi-”

“Don’t you but Gabi me. Now I know for sure you need help if you think I would ever leave you for something like this. I wasn’t lying when I said there are things I want much more than a baby. I want you. I want us to be happy, to be like we were before you went to that damn war. I want that more than anything in the world.”

Gabi came up on tiptoe, kissed her husband and wrapped her arms around him. “I want you, baby.”

Eric rubbed his hand across her abdomen and gazed down at her. Gabi’s look was genuine, she loved him.

“We’re in
Chicago
, there are specialists here. The doctor you saw is only one opinion.”

“He’s a specialist.”

“So what? He can’t have the things available to him that we have here. Even my office could rerun the test.”

“I don’t think so.” Eric cringed at the thought of the people in Gabi’s office knowing his business. “I don’t want everyone in your office giving me funny glances.”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Gabi whispered soothingly, patting his arms. “This is a gigantic city. We’ll find someone we can trust. We’re in this together and we’ll figure something out. But before we give up and accept the word of one doctor we’re going to get a second opinion. We, Eric, not you. We’re a team and we’ll get through this as a team.”

Gabi held on to Eric, embracing him until he returned her love. “Come on, baby,” she whispered softly, leading him to the bed, undressing him and making tender, sweet, exquisite love to him. “You and I are a team. We’ll always be a team.”

She worked her magic on him and Eric believed. Maybe the drive from
Indiana
wasn’t long enough to have found faith, but right now, here in the arms of his wife, he knew with her help he would try to have faith. Maybe his making love to Gabi was all that he needed in order to have faith, he thought as he drifted to sleep with Gabi lying on his chest, her arms around him.

***

Eric reached out for Gabi but her side of the bed was empty. He opened one eye and looked around the darkened room. The red glow of the clock showed it was only
two A.M.
He heard water running and got up. Why the heck was Gabi showering so early? He smiled into the darkness. It didn’t matter why she was doing it, he thought, making his way toward the bathroom to join her.

His hand on the knob, Eric stopped. There was more than the sound of water running. There was sobbing coming from the bathroom, gut-wrenching sobs that tore his heart out. His hand fell from the knob and Eric walked back toward the bed.

So this was how they were going to get through this. His wife was going to lie in his arms and make love with him, and then later cry in the bathroom.

Pain vibrated through every cell in Eric’s body. He climbed into the bed wishing he could comfort his wife. It was killing him knowing she was in the bathroom crying her heart out. “Why did you save me?” Eric whispered under his breath. The effort of the words was like sticking knives through him. “Why?” he repeated.

When the bathroom door opened, Eric pretended to be asleep. Gabi lay close to him, her hand touching him, making it impossible to stop the shiver that claimed him. Instead, he turned toward her, held her in his arms and breathed in her scent.

“I love you, Eric,” Gabi whispered softly.

“I know, baby, I love you too, he answered.

Gabi’s hand searched his body and found him, and he held the moan inside. He didn’t know if he had the energy to make love to his wife, even if they both needed it right now. What was the point? Nothing would ever come of their lovemaking. He could never give her the baby they both wanted.

“Eric, it’s okay.”

“You were crying.”

“Just for now, baby. I’m not going to lie to you. The thought of a baby that has your beautiful brown eyes and could be taught so much by you has always been a dream. I know how much your parents want to be grandparents, so yes, I did cry. I didn’t want you to hear me because it’s over. It’s out of my system. Besides, you know me, Eric. I cry once, then the problem’s solved. No big deal.”

“It’s a big deal to me.”

Gabi buried her sweet-smelling face in his neck and Eric sniffed in amazement. Since Gabi was fifteen she’d had this special essence that was hers alone. It was partially her scent that had wrapped around him and captured his heart. He couldn’t believe it. Even freshly showered she still smelled like sugar cookies. His hand moved under her hips and he shifted to get into position. But before he could enter her, he deflated like a balloon. Embarrassment scored his soul.

“Baby, you’re just tired.”

He refused to answer her. He was a man on a mission. When his own manipulations didn’t work, he nearly choked on his words. “Gabi, I think I need a little help here.”

Eric’s eyes fell on the bedside clock as he rolled off Gabi to allow her access to caress him. When he looked again, an hour had passed. He’d become hard as long as his wife was touching him, kissing him, covering him with her soft lips, but the moment he attempted to enter her all the air went out of his sails and his erection was non-existent. Gabi wasn’t saying much but he could tell she wanted to stop trying. She was tired and now so was he. Damn.

This time when Eric rolled off of Gabi, he flipped over to his side.

“It happens, baby. Every man has an occasional problem.”

He wasn’t yet thirty, he wasn’t supposed to have an occasional problem. His wife saying that it was okay didn’t help Eric one little bit. He moved away from Gabi toward his side of the bed and closed his eyes. “Good night, Gabi,” he said and pretended to sleep.

***

Gabi lay in the dark unable to sleep knowing her husband was on his side of the bed, also not sleeping. She’d attempted to wrap her body around Eric but he’d moved several times until she’d gotten the message and moved to her side of the bed. Thread by fragile thread her marriage was slowly unraveling and there wasn’t a darn thing Gabi could do about it.

She waited, listening for the voice to tell her to have faith, but this time the silence was all that greeted her. Even the voice no longer believed. Gabi wanted to cry so badly she could feel it in her throat, her eyes, but she couldn’t cry, even softly, without her husband hearing. And he didn’t need another thing to feel sad over. Of all the ways she’d imagined their life to be, this had never been even a remote possibility

             
ANOTHER
MAN
’S BABY
             
229

Chapter
Ten

Eric was holding on by a thread, determined not to allow his failure as a man to alter his marriage. But so many failures were piling up on him, making him doubt, first his failure as an officer to keep his mind on the danger at hand, and now his failure as a husband to Gabi.

He wondered about the God Gabi prayed to. If He did exist, for what purpose were the lives of mortals? Were they all just created for His amusement?

Eric didn’t believe in
Darwin
’s theory either. It made no sense. He’d always reasoned that if man had evolved from apes, why were there still apes? Why hadn’t all apes evolved? Why weren’t they extinct?

But he did believe some supernatural being with power that Eric didn’t have had somehow put things into play. Maybe the power could be ascribed as God. Eric didn’t know, but if He would stop screwing around with his life he’d think it over. Hell, he might even begin to believe.

He looked out over the base and up at the sky. “I’ll give it a shot,” he said. “Some being saved me, that much I know, and some being is screwing around with my life. Please stop,” he said simply. Why not? That was as much a prayer as any he’d heard. He didn’t see a need to beg or grovel and bowing down on his knees wasn’t in his plans. This would have to do.

He let out a breath. “Give me something,” he said softly, “show me You’re God and maybe I’ll believe. I need to feel like a man again. Give me the ability to give my wife a baby and I’ll believe. If You want me on my knees you’ll get it. Make the impossible, possible. Change what can’t be changed and we have a deal. I don’t go back on my word.” Eric smiled at the sky. “I’m a marine officer and my word is my bond.”

***

Eric chewed on his lips and sighed, blowing out the air that he was continually taking in. He shook his head, just a little. No mythical being was going to be able to solve his problems. It was all nonsense.

“Lieutenant, we need some help at the recruiting stations.”

Eric looked toward his commanding officer and saluted. “Sir, I’ve never done recruiting.” He felt a knot in his gut knowing what was coming. He didn’t want to do it.

“You’re a marine, you can do it.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“You’re going to
Waukegan
and they will decide where you’re needed most. We’re trying something new. There’s going to be a crossover with the other branches. We want you to work in teams, perhaps with another officer from the recruiting stations. There are still a few wrinkles in the plans. But from now on
Waukegan
will be your home base. You may not necessarily remain there, but it will be your new home.

Eric took a look around
Great Lakes
and blinked. “How long, sir,” he asked.

“Until you get the job done.”

“What specifically is the job?”

“You’re going to all of the schools in
Illinois
and even in the field, to the homes of ROTC students. The enlistment is dangerously low. We need you to instill some pride, get the quota up. Bring us some bodies.”

Eric shivered. That was what he feared most about the assignment, bringing bodies. Hell, it was bad enough that he had to look into the faces of college kids. Now he had to talk high school students into signing up to die. He shivered.
Is this what You saved me for
? Another thought followed. Maybe it wasn’t Gabi’s God at all that saved him. Considering his new assignment he rather doubted that it was.

***

For three weeks Eric was traipsing all over
Illinois
talking at schools, and not just to the ones with marine programs, but air force as well. If they had ROTC he was talking. He’d finally landed in
Joliet
and was working primarily with Master Sergeant Leon Ross. Lucky for Eric they got along from the moment Eric arrived.

Eric glanced at the sergeant, grateful that the atmosphere had been different from that of the temporary posts he’d been sent to. There was none of the hidden animosity, as though Eric were stepping on someone’s toes. They were military but they had worked beyond that and were on the verge of forming a friendship. Now they were taking their show on the road to the homes.

“Lieutenant, are you ready to go?”

“Sure, let’s do this.” Eric looked at the man and observed the premature lines on his face. Eric had thought him much older than the fifty-five he said he was. He looked to be at least sixty-five. Then again, doing what he was doing could age a person big time.

***

“Ma’am, I’m Lieutenant Jackson and this is Master Sergeant Ross. Your son is in the ROTC program at
Lincoln
High School
. We want to talk with him about making the service a career.”

“A career,” the woman screeched at him. “What kind of career? There’s a war going on.”

“Of course there’s a war going on, ma’am. And we do our duty to defend our country.”

“My son’s only eighteen.”

“He’s old enough to join without your consent.”

“He’s not joining.”

“Could you please tell me why he’s in the ROTC program at school if he has no intention of serving his county?”

“It wasn’t like there were a lot of other programs open.”

“But joining ROTC is a choice, not a requirement.”

“He wanted a uniform to impress the girls, okay?”

Eric looked at the woman sternly, hoping to stop her tirade. They had not been invited inside, and he doubted that they would be. He took a peek inside the home, looked at the neighborhood, then back at the scowling woman. “Is your son planning on going to college?”

He noticed the slackness around the woman’s mouth that told him they couldn’t afford college. Of course not. When it came to gathering data the corps was the best. They’d done their work carefully. The recruiters had been instructed to concentrate on the low to middle income homes, with particular emphasis on Latinos, blacks, and poor whites. They were their target, someone to whom they could offer a chance at an education, a cash bonus, an opportunity to travel.

Eric ignored the feeling of ants crawling over his spine. He had a job to do. He was a marine and he was going to do it.

“We have a sign-up bonus,” Eric said softly, “up to ten thousands dollars if your son meets the qualifications, plus full tuition to a college of his choice. If he makes the service a career he can retire with a very nice pension in his forties. We’ll even help him get a home. He’ll get to travel to foreign countries, things he’d probably never be able to do on his own. We’ll be there for him every step of the way.”

“Will you be there for him if he comes home with both legs blown off?”

“If that should happen we have very good hospitals throughout the country. Veterans are never alone. A disabled veteran has a lifetime pension.”

“Just like the one hundred dollar a month pension my husband received from serving in
Vietnam
and being sprayed with Agent Orange? No thanks.”

“Ma’am, Eric said, talking around the knot of disgust in his throat. “Casualties happen in war. We all hate them but we’re trying to do a job, to protect our country, to protect you and your family. Serving our country is an honor and a privilege.”

“How much are you getting, Lieutenant?”

“Excuse me?”

“How much of a bonus are you getting for every young person that you deliver? Fifty dollars? A hundred? How much is my son’s life worth to you? Tell me, are you going to go to
Washington
and try to recruit the senators’ sons? She stopped and looked around.

“Or are you concentrating on the people who don’t live in five hundred thousand dollar homes?”

“That’s not what we’re doing…I would go to
Washington
if I were given orders to.” Eric blinked, determined to do what he’d come for, to sign up another marine. “I wouldn’t be a marine if I didn’t believe in what we’re fighting for.”

“Lieutenant, please leave my home. I don’t believe you, I think you’re lying. You look at my son as a quota. You get a bonus when you sign up a kid. You will not be the one worrying about him every night, praying he’ll come home alive. You’ll not be the one to bear the pain if he doesn’t.”

“I feel the loss of every soldier,” Eric answered, allowing his gaze to linger on the woman. “That is not a lie.”

“Not like a mother or a father. They have to be your babies for you to feel it. And a flag-draped coffin will not make me feel any better. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Eric stared straight ahead; he was ashamed of himself. “It’s my job, ma’am. I’m a marine.”

”And I’m a mother,” the woman said and slammed the door in his face, making Eric jump.

Damn. Eric clenched his teeth and breathed out hard. “How many more on the list, Sergeant Ross?”

***

A glance around the smoky bar had Eric wishing he had not come. He should be home with his wife. If he could have anything in the world that he wanted, it would be to erase the last eighteen months from their lives. He blew out a breath, shaking his head as he did so.

“Whose shit list are you on?”

This time Eric did grin. Then he laughed, looking directly at Sergeant Ross. It was obvious Eric’s new assignment had something to do with him screwing up, probably the little speeches he’d been giving to the troops leaving for the war. This was the higher ups’ way of reminding him who and what he was.

“It’s that obvious, huh? I think since I’ve been home maybe the general thinking is that my mind needs a little readjusting. Having me recruit kids doesn’t sound like the way to fix anything.”

“No, it doesn’t, but it does let you know who’s boss.”

Eric held up his glass and clicked it with the other marine. They drank, not mentioning the frosty reception they’d received in all of the homes. None of the parents wanted their kids to join up. Neither Lieutenant Eric Jackson nor Master Sergeant Leon Ross blamed them. But it wasn’t their job to tell civilians their thoughts. They were both soldiers and they had orders to increase enlistment. To be honest, a part of Eric wanted to get someone to join, so he could end this assignment. The longer he was in the field without results, the longer he would be made to stay in the field. It was a vicious circle with only one end. Besides, both men knew the moment trouble broke out everyone would expect the soldiers to take care of it. How were they going to do that if no one wanted to make a commitment?

“I’m not signing back up.” Sergeant Ross spoke softly with some regret tinging his voice. “I already have my years in. My wife’s worried that things may get so desperate they’ll ship me over. I promised her when this contract is up I’ll come out. I’ve got another two years.”

“I have a year left.” Eric glanced around the bar before returning his focus back to the sergeant. “I always intended to make the service my career, to retire, just like I’ve been telling the kids, have a nice pension and a good job and live comfortably.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Probably the same thing that changed yours.” Eric stopped dancing around the issue and looked the sergeant in the eye.

“What changed mine is my nineteen-year-old son enlisted, wants to follow in my footsteps. He’s made me so damn proud. But I’m scared as hell that…I don’t want my son to die. Not just in a war. I don’t want him to die, ever. I want to see him marry, have kids of his own.” He took another sip of his drink. “You got any kids?”

“No,” Eric admitted, “not yet.” There was no need in saying not ever.