AnguiSH (26 page)

             
“Why?”

             
She got up from her desk and rested her hands on her hips and she looked out the window.  After a few minutes she spoke, “I knew that girl was bad news.  After I found out she’d moved in with you I did a little digging.  I even tried to pay Holly off to leave you alone.  But she wouldn’t take it.  It wasn’t just the money, she was hell bent on ruining you.  You’re so intelligent and you are too young to throw it all away because of some sadistic tramp.”

             
Two more words I’d never heard my mother say.

             
“I never intended to hire Ashland.  I intended to hire Lucy until Ashland came in here with such tenacity.  And even after I’d let her down she asked me one question that changed my mind.”

             
“What question?”

             
She turned around and grabbed a tissue from her desk and blotted at the corners of her eyes. “She asked me why you were so sad. So, after she left I did a more…let’s call it in depth check on her.  She needed the money and her mother had mental issues.  I just thought maybe she could do something the rest of us couldn’t.  So I made it worth her while.”

             
“How much?”  I had to know.  It had no bearing on anything I felt for Ash but for me, I had to know.

             
“Two grand—per week.”

             
“I’m sure she put the money to good use.  Ash is smart.”

             
She sat back down, “She returned it to me.  A couple of days before she moved out, she returned it to me—the amount in full.”

             
We both stayed silent for a while. 

             
“Do you love her Breaker?”

             
“Yes.  I do.”

             
She pulled an envelope from her desk and handed it to me.  I took it but didn’t open it.

             
Then I told her the things I knew she couldn’t say, “I know you did it because you love me, Mom.  I know you were desperate for me to live.  I’m not angry.  It’s the best thing you’ve ever done for me.”  I got up to leave, happy with the peace I’d made in that pristine office.

             
“Breaker?” She asked as I’d reached the door. I rotated to face her.

             
“Tell her it was worth every penny.  I consider it money well spent.  The most solid investment I’ve ever made.”

             
I looked in the envelope and inside was a check made out to Ash for twenty thousand dollars. 

             
The rest of the treatment was frustrating but nothing, I found, that I couldn’t handle. 

             
I ‘graduated’ my therapy earlier than ninety days, two weeks earlier.  I’d broken the rules by texting Ash but I knew that I wasn’t dependent on her anymore. 

             
I couldn’t wait anymore.  I had to see her. 

Ash

             
Two months, one week and four days—that’s how long it had been since I heard from him.  Well, technically he texted me every day but his voice, his voice that could slow my world to a stop—I hadn’t heard that voice in way too long. 

             
I needed to know.  It scared me to think he wasn’t calling because he was having a harder time than he thought—or he’d quit altogether.  We texted mostly about me and I didn’t ask questions for fear that I was violating some rule.

             
I was still working for the maid company and I hated every single second of it.  I had to work by myself now.  Lena had been caught stealing on my second week of work.  The people we were working for had suspected her for a while and had installed cameras to catch her.  But now I got paid the full amount, for every house instead of splitting it with a partner.

             
I made some new friends at school, I’d found a confidence I never knew and used it to my advantage.  Stephanie was spending a lot of time with her new boyfriend.  She finally admitted to me that she and Ozark were seeing each other.  She thought I would be pissed.  I laughed for three hours about it but now we were all friends.  He turned out to be really a good guy when he wasn’t trying to date me.

             
I got to the top stair before entering the apartment, which was basically now my apartment, since Steph spent most of her time at Ozark’s house, when my phone rang. 

             
“Hello?” I said, the phone trapped between my chin and my shoulder while I juggled groceries and my bag.

             
“Hi Ash.  Are you busy?”  His voice had changed a bit.  It was huskier, more confident than the last time I’d spoken to him. 

             
“Let me put my groceries down,” I told him and slammed everything down on the table.

             
“How are you Breaker?”

             
“I’m good—I mean, I’m not all good.  I don’t know that I ever will be.  But I can—well, I’m not gonna tell you what all I can do.  Dr. Mavis says I’m doing so well that I only have to see her once or twice a month for the rest of the year and then sporadically after that, whenever I feel like I need to.”

             
I sat down, on the verge of tears, “I’m so proud of you.”  But I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question that I was dying to know the answer to.  I wished he was telling me all of this face to face.

             
“Tell me about you Ash.  Tell me everything.  I’ve missed your voice so much.  I mean, I’ve missed a lot more than your voice—just talk to me please.”

             
I told him everything.  I talked to him for hours until my jaw ached and the milk had gone warm.  I yawned into the phone after a while.

             
“Why don’t you go to bed, Ash.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  I swear it won’t be so long next time.  I was kinda restricted from talking to you since I was so attached to you.”

             
It hurt my heart to hear that maybe he wasn’t attached to me anymore. 

             
“Go to bed, baby.  I promise I will call you tomorrow.”

             
“I
am
in bed.”

             
He chuckled, “See that’s the kind of things that would’ve had me drop everything and come see you before.  That’s why she didn’t want me to talk to you for a while.  I cheated by texting, but the good doctor didn’t know that.”

             
There was no pride in love—that’s what I told myself before I asked him the hardest, most humbling question I’ve ever asked anyone. 

             
“When are you gonna come see me?” I whispered, not sure at all if he ever would.

             
“I’ll be there faster than you think.”

             
“That’s not really an answer.”

             
“Ash?  Are you still awake?”  I was—barely.

             
“Mmhmm.”

             
“I—I want you to know how much I love you.  I love who you are and how you did what was best for me and you even when it hurt like hell.  And I love how you took care of me when I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it for myself.  If I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I will.  I used to be scared that I only
thought
I loved you because you were helping me—because I needed you.  But that’s not true.  You made me want to be a better man.  I promise I’ll see you soon.”

             
I opened my mouth to say something—anything, but he’d already ended the call. 

             
He called me the next day, and every day after that for weeks.  I got more and more aggravated by the day.  He’d let some things slip throughout our phone time, like he was apparently running a lot every day. He was also having dinner with his family again and had made amends with his mother.  He’d decided to skip a semester but had registered for school starting in January. 

             
And that night was no different than any other night, except he hadn’t called.  So, I called him.  But he didn’t answer.

             
I showered and got ready for bed.  I was in bed, already hovering between lucidity and dream when I heard a knock on the door. 

             
I trudged to the door and looked through the peep hole.  It was a man, with his back to me. He was a big guy.

             
“Damn, he’s built like a mutha.”

             
Then he turned around to knock again and I stumbled back, shock hammered through my body.  I unlocked the deadbolt and trifled with the chain until it was free and swung the door wide open.  I jumped up and threw my arms around his neck before either of us could speak.

             
His arms, now thick and strong held me up, tucked me in closer to his chest.  I was probably choking him, but I wanted to be as closely wound around him as I could get.  I felt him walking but could’ve cared less where he was going as long as he was taking me with him.  I heard the door close and he sat with me still leeched on.

             
“Let go Ash.  Baby, let me see your face.  Please, I haven’t seen you in months.”  I leaned back.  He took my hands from where they still rested on his neck and kissed the palms of each one. 

             
“How is it possible that you got more beautiful?” His hands began an exploration of my face.  “You were sleeping?  I’m so sorry.  I’m gonna go.  I can see you tomorrow.  You need to sleep.”

             
I slapped him on the pec, but now it was like slapping a cinder block.  “I swear Breaker James, if you leave, don’t you dare come back.  I’ve waited too long.  Don’t play with me.”

             
He held in a laugh, barely. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry.  I had planned to come tomorrow but I got everything unpacked tonight so I just acted on impulse. I couldn’t wait any longer.”

             
He had on a gray t shirt and dark washed jeans.  His t shirt was actually stretched out across his pecs now, like he was trying to wear one of his old ones and it refused to cooperate.

             
He tipped my chin up, “Eyes up here, baby.”  Oh, his smile did me in.

             
“What did you do?  You’re like twice the size.”

             
He grinned sideways, “Words every man wants to hear.”

             
“You know what I mean.”

             
“I work out, a lot.  It was part of getting better.  I also laid off the junk you used to feed me.”

             
“I didn’t hear you complaining.”

             
“Oh man, I missed arguing with you.  But you kinda look tired.  I am gonna go.  I need to get to bed too,” he checked his watch.

             
“Stay with me.”  I begged him, pride be damned.

             
“Are you sure?  What about Stephanie, she’s gonna come home?”

             
I smiled knowing that my next sentence would make him happy. “No, she spends most nights with Ozark.  She won’t be back.”

             
He laughed, “For once in my life I’m glad to hear that guy’s name.  I could never say no to you, let’s get you to bed.”

             
He resumed his hold on me, lifted us both from the chair, and carried me to my bedroom. 

             
“I’ve waited so long to do that,” he mumbled into my neck, “Ash this bed is horrible, remind me to buy you a new one,” he said as he let me slide down his body and peeled off his shirt.  I checked the corner of my mouth for drool because it was if some muscly weightlifter had absorbed Breaker.  The jeans were next and I couldn’t help but stare.