Angry Conversations with God (12 page)

Next to me was an obese woman in an oversized puff—paint T-shirt. Tell
her
my deepest desire? Well, in a church of ten thousand members, I never ran into anyone twice.

But what
did
I really want? I was making a living as an actor. I loved doing improv and comedy, like I got to do in
PT&A
and
Scrooged.
To do that every week, say on
Saturday Night Live
? I didn’t want to desire anything too much. Georgina said if I wanted something too much, it was an idol and God would have
to kill it off before he could use me. Should I even articulate it? What if God killed it off?

The obese woman said she wanted to be a missionary but first she needed to clean up the secret sin in her life. If it was
overeating, it wasn’t a secret. What was mine? she asked. Maybe if I said it in church, like a prayer rather than a desire,
God could bless it. Okay then: “If it’s God’s will, I would love to write comedy or be on
Saturday Night Live.
“

The woman’s smile tightened. “God loves you too much to let you be exposed to the darkness of the world. Not until you’re
ready.” I wondered about that girl on the ABC kids’ show I saw the first day at church. I wondered how she got ready. She’d
been exposed to the darkness of sitcoms since she was twelve.

Fat Lady smiled. “Have you thought of writing Bible skits?”

I brought it up with Georgina in our next session. Of all the acting I’d done, improv and comedy were definitely my best work.
I wanted to do more of that. I wanted to train for improv.

Georgina frowned. “Susan, your priority is Jesus, not getting famous. What did Jesus say? ‘The pagan world runs after all
such things.…But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well’” (Luke 12:30-31).

“I don’t want to be famous,” I replied. “I just want to do what I love.”

“If you were on
Saturday Night Live
you’d be famous. God won’t promote you until you’re ready. Promotion comes from the Lord. Jesus is your agent. And right
now your agent needs you in church.”

Several months later I got a call from David. He’d finally moved to LA. He’d gotten a job as a production assistant at a TV
studio. And he wanted to hang out. With me! David was the funniest guy I’d ever met. It had been eight years since we’d dated,
but I still longed for his approval. Which was silly, since here I was a working actress and he was just some PA. He told
me he worked sixty hours a week, then went home to write scripts until three in the morning. Poor David. “The pagan world
runs after all such things.”

“So what are you up to?” he asked.

“Church, mostly. Though I was thinking about improv.”

“You’d be great. You should check out the Groundlings.”

I’d heard about the Groundlings, a comedy improv school where comedians like Phil Hartman got their start. I wanted to study
improv. But I was scared that I’d be running after the things of the world.

When I told Georgina about our conversation, she was very upset. “You cannot see him.”

“Why not? David is one of my best, oldest friends.”

“He could seduce you.” She glared at me with that holy-fire glare of hers.

“He’s not interested in me,” I scoffed.

“But are
you
interested in
him
?”

“NO!”

I lied a little. Of course I still had feelings for David!
Residual feelings. Leftover feelings.
David was my first love, but I wasn’t hot for him. I wasn’t hot for
anyone.
I hadn’t ovulated in eight years—not since I’d broken up with David, married Jesus, and starved off my sex drive.

“Susan!” She glared. “Satan is using that man to plant seeds of doubt and send you off the path of God’s will.”

“Georgina! He’s my friend.”

“He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I forbid you to have contact with him. If you do, I cannot in good faith continue to counsel
you. You need to trust me. Trust and obey.”

“But—”

“Susan, if you see him, I will not be your counselor.”

I drove home shocked. How could she give me an ultimatum like that? I loved David as a good old friend. Nothing was going
to happen! But she’d been right about so many other things. The ties were so deep-think of the shredded cardboard, for God’s
sake.

Only one conversation with him and already I was questioning Georgina and questioning myself. What if Satan
was
trying to seduce me into running after the things of the world? And what if David did try to seduce me too? I entertained
the idea a moment too long.

When I talked to David about it, he was stunned. “What do you mean, you can’t see me?”

When I talked to David about it, he was stunned. “What do you mean, you can’t see me?”

“I just can’t. Not right now.”

“Susan, I’m not trying to ‘go out’ with you—”

“I know.”

“I just moved here. I don’t know many people.”

“David, I’m working through issues in my past. For right now, it’s better that I not have contact with you.”

The line was silent for a while. His voice came back bruised. “I just wanted to be your friend.”

I hung up and cried. Was it because I had wanted something to happen? Or was it because I’d rejected someone I cared about?
I knew Satan must have gotten to me because I felt angry at Georgina. But she taught me anger could be good, like when someone
violated your boundaries…the way Georgina was telling me what to do. Just what was her experience anyway?

My friend Cheryl from the Oakie church was studying to be a therapist. “She makes you write down your finances?”

“She says God can’t bless your life if you aren’t accountable with your finances.”

“But do you have problems with your finances?”

“No.” Then I told her about the David Ultimatum.

“Susan, she doesn’t sound like a therapist. She sounds like a dictator.”

Either Satan was using my friends to make me distrust Georgina, or Georgina wasn’t to be trusted. I began to pull back. Georgina
noticed.

“Are you seeing David?” Her holy-fire glare again.

“No. Blowing him off burned that bridge.”

“Good.”

“I signed up for an improv class on Wednesday nights.” I hadn’t really. I said it to see how she’d react.

Holy-fire glare. “Wednesdays are midweek Bible study and career group.”

“I’m already volunteering with the high school group.”

“Wednesday nights you need to interact with your peers.”

“I need to interact with my acting peers.”

“You’re defying me.”

“No. I’m taking an improv class.”

“I knew it. Satan has gotten to you.”

“No, my friend who’s getting her master’s in counseling got to me. She thinks you’re exerting too much control in my life.”

“Are you questioning
me
because some friend of yours took a psych class?!”

Now she was scaring me. “I think I need to leave.” I
stood up.

“Susan, if you walk out right now, you cannot come back.” I kept walking. “Mark my word, Susan! You will go right back to
bingeing and vomiting; you will stray from God; you’ll destroy everything I’ve accomplished in you!”

“Everything
you’ve
accomplished?!”

Georgina shouted a few things out the door, but I was already getting into my car. I found myself trembling. I drove to the
store, bought and ate a pint of frozen yogurt, and threw it up. I hadn’t done that in two and a half years. I was eating over
my anger, and my anger scared me. The whole thing scared me. Yes, Georgina was scary, but what about God? I prayed for help
and he led me right to her. What did that say about him? And how could I keep going to that church with Georgina skulking
around the prayer room on Sundays? But I had friends here. I looked up to my pastor. I’d mastered alliteration.

I went to midweek services that night. The sanctuary was overbooked. People were crammed into overflow rooms. I got herded
into an empty seat in the first row, right in front of the band. The music was way too loud up there. I turned and scanned
the crowd: the thousands of joyous faces, the men in their Arnold Palmer slacks, the women in stirrup pants, mumbling to the
Lord in their secret speech. And I thought to myself,
What am I doing here?

“Stand up and give God a standing ovation!” the worship leader screamed. Everyone stood up. Everyone but me. He shot me the
quickest glance and went on. “And for those of you who have been obedient to stand and give God praise, he will unlock to
you a special, double portion.”

Double portion of what, I never found out. I stood up. I turned to the person next to me, said, “Excuse me,” and walked out
the door.

I never went back.

Two months later,
Planes, Trains & Automobiles
premiered. All of my scenes had been cut. Maybe Georgina’s prophetic curses were coming true.

Rudy: I wish I could say that’s the worst I’ve heard, but I was a pastor.

Susan: I’ll give you the worst. It’s coming in a few sessions.

Rudy: Well, I need to hear from your spouse.

How did God feel? My knee-jerk reaction was to imagine God throwing out some sarcastic rejoinder to absolve himself. But if
I had to change, then so did he—that is, my idea of what God would feel and do and say—had to change. Maybe he did feel bad.
Maybe he was even angry like I was.

God: You quoted Psalm 18. “He rescued me because he delighted in me.” But you’re forgetting the first part of the psalm. “In
my distress I called to the L
ORD
.…From his temple he heard my voice.…The earth trembled and quaked,…because he was angry.” I was angry at what happened to
you.

Susan: Then why did you send me there? If they betrayed me, so did you.

Rudy: Susan, you can’t keep blaming God for other people’s actions. At least don’t blame God for your feelings. Try using
an “I feel…” statement.

Susan: A
what
?

Rudy: That’s where you take responsibility for your feelings instead of making God responsible for them.

Susan: Regardless of what God did to make me feel that way?

Rudy: Just try it. “When you did _____, it made me feel _____.”

Susan: Like, “When you
stole my wallet,
it made me
feel ripped off”
? When God
betrayed me,
it made me
feel betrayed
? Like that?!

Jesus: Hey, can we all chill out?

Rudy: Jesus, Susan’s argument is with the Father, not you. So unless you have something particular to add—

Jesus: I died for you, buddy.

Rudy lifted his hands in abdication.

God: Susan, you said it yourself. You needed rules.

Susan: I needed rules, not the KGB!

God: You were terrified of living, let alone making a decision. You were starving, you were throwing up! Remember Karen Carpenter?
You needed those rules. They saved your life.

Rudy: Susan, can you think of them as rules you needed for a time but then outgrew?

Susan: (To God) Why couldn’t you provide a counselor who was emotionally healthy enough to allow me to outgrow her?

God: She was the only one I could find!! I had two choices: do nothing and watch you kill yourself, or get you to Georgina.
Yes, she was a control freak. Yes, I knew you’d end up blaming me, but at least you’d be
alive
to blame me. And here you are. You’re here! You’re alive!

Susan: (Quieter) And I’m blaming you. But…you could’ve found some other way. Done a miracle. Jesus fed the five thousand.…

God: Yes, but someone had to give him a fish. Georgina was our only fish.

Was it possible that Almighty God was limited not by himself but by his people? By who was available to help?

Susan: It would have helped if I’d understood this back then.

God: You were too hurt to understand. I didn’t expect you to.

It was a hard task to stand outside my life and see it from God’s perspective. The answers weren’t always yes and amen, at
least not in the short term. Sometimes there’s no way around heartbreak. And heartbreak was coming.

I FELT THE FIRST STING OF BETRAYAL: NOT JUST BY GEORGINA OR
the church, but by the God who had led me to them. Who was this God to whom I had pledged my life? Why would he allow all
of that to happen…unless he was on their side?! Maybe God was punishing me for defying the authority he’d placed in my life.
I panicked. Georgina’s prophetic curses were already coming true. I’d thrown up a few times, and I’d been cut from
PT&A.
What was next?! Thank God my friend Cheryl was there to talk some sense into me. After all, it was for freedom—not for mind
control—that Christ had set me free.

“We just need to find a healthier church,” she said.

“We?”

“Between what happened to you and my counseling degree, I’m not going back either.” Thank God for loyal friends with therapy
training.

“I don’t know what kind of church I’d fit into,” I lamented.

“You need to be with other artists who’ve got God in their lives but are still edgy. What could be more edgy than being a
Christian and an artist?”