Angel of Ash (38 page)

“
Does that not count for something my lord?” She asked.

It took him a long time to answer but finally he did. “I am glad..that you stilled your hand over that knife. No matter what pain I have put you through my lady. I would not be as one of your slavers. No matter the evil of my soul and spirit.”

“
I do not regret these days. The pain and the joy, Asher. I have grown.”

It had been a long time since she’d spoken his first names. Often they acted like polite strangers.

“
I have sought help…my lady. Dr. Jenkins referred me to a…man of the mind. There is an unsoundness of my mind. He calls the condition, manic depressive bipolar disorder.”

“
What is that my lord?”

“
It is stages of depression followed at times with stages of mania. But mostly it is an imbalance of the mind.”

“
Is there a cure for such?” She asked quietly.

“
Never a cure…but a way for it to be controlled. Without heavy drugs.”

“
Can…can Glory suffer from it?” She asked quietly.

“
Yes.”

She fisted her hand against her mouth, withholding the tears.

“
I am sorry wife.”

“
Hunter…she has the same condition, as you. Who else in your family?”

“
My grandfather, he suffered from such, he was committed, a great family scandal. Other cousins, an uncle, Hunters’…molester. That is why my mother, she took to the healing arts. Much of what the doctor has stated, my mother has also known. Yet, she has come up against a brick wall as to how to treat such. There was herbal medicine she would give me as a child and young man that would ease…the depression for periods. But after…after Hunter’s abduction, Deborah, I no longer, I could not bring myself to take more. I never knew what I had…I never knew its name. I remembered as a child. I would not want to go outside, I would not want to be touched, I would not want to speak or eat, I would stay awake for days on end, finish projects that would usually take months, in hours. That invaded into my adult hood. There were days I would find peace, Deborah; she kept the demons at bay at times. But those days were few and far in between. I have suffered with the horror of killing myself so often. When I fell down the chasm of my parents’ estate…I was six. I tried to take my life. I was in pain. I hated living, everything brought sadness. I saw the hole. And I just wanted to be a part of the darkness, to end the pain of living. I fell into the hole on purpose I didn’t want to be found, I was so close, so near death when my father found me. I hated him for a long time after that.”

“
When you awaken what is it that you see?”

“
Darkness,” he said, never revealing this before. “As if a great veil is upon my eyes that cannot be shaken off. A heaviness upon my shoulders that weighs me down.”

“
Every moment?” She asked.

He nodded. “Yes, my lady. Even now. Even at Glory’s birth, at our wedding, at the birth of my nephew, the reunion of the families. When I know there should be some type of happiness within me, I feel nothing, except…pain. I lash out…to escape the pain, because I am in misery, I wish others around me to also suffer. As I have done you. I recognize my weakness and to wish it away would be the greatest joy.” He breathed in a ragged breath, turning away from his wife and for the first time in many years he bowed his head before someone else, defeated.

“
Dear God,” she breathed in pain over her husband’s suffering. “Dear God.”

“
I am sorry wife.”

“
What can I do to help?”

“
Forgive me.” He said.

“
It is done; it was done a long time ago. There is hope for you, I know it Asher, and I cannot believe anything else. There is hope.”

“
And…if there is none…the doctor doesn’t know if the medicine will work…he also states there…the medicine might make it worse. I ask…I ask if you take Glory…and yourself to my parents to reside.”

“
I will not leave your side, Asher.”

“
Please, Angel,” he said, for the first time saying her name. He never spoke her name, she paused. “The darkness grows, the days, are shorter, racing towards something that frightens me, I feel it, it is here. I have never known myself. I envision my death so often. I envision it so much. I do not want you to find me…if, if I lost the last hold. If I kill myself as I have wanted all the days of my life, I would not want you to find me but I fear that I am so far gone that I will do it and not care. This pain I have lived with for 30 years, there has been no release, never one day of release. Every day I suffer and I wish the pain to stop, so much. I wish to be free but I know the only way to be truly free is to end the suffering of it all.”

“
I will not allow you to do this!” Angel cried out. “I will not allow this, God! I need you! Glory needs you! I need you husband! I need you Asher, you are my love, you are my love. I need you; do not suffer this madness any more. Do not allow these demons to take you away from your family. Do not allow me to live alone, please Asher. Do not allow this great evil to occur. You are needed…you are loved.”

He could not speak. “Angel…just promise me this.” He would not relent. “I start…the treatment the medicine next week, if the medicine doesn’t work.. There…they have to give me shocks.”

“
What kind of shocks?” She asked.

“
I will tell you no more.”

“
Answer me, Asher. I deserve to know.”

“
Electricity, they will give me electrical shocks.”

She stifled her scream. “No, Asher. No!”

“
I must. If this does not work, I cannot live this way. I want a future with you. I want peace. I want to see Glory grow. But I have nothing now, if I do not do this there is nothing for me I cannot live in this darkness anymore.”

“
I will not allow you to go through this alone. I will be with you.”

“
Never!”

“
I am your wife! I will not allow you to suffer this pain alone! You will not suffer it alone. I swear to you Asher, I will not leave your side.”

“
Please…please…don’t.” He bit out in torture.

“
I will not leave your side.”

They medicine did not work even after three months of him diligently taking it. As he feared, his moods and depression quickly spiraled to near madness. And so they began electric shock treatment. The first time they bound him, placing a stick in his mouth to keep him from biting his tongue she nearly came undone. He would not look at her and stared steely eyed at the ceiling. She was allowed to watch from outside the room. Upon their third visit for his shock treatments, Angel could take no more.

They started the shock and he tried to scream, his body wrenching up against its bounds, tears and sweat breaking across him as he screamed wordlessly, torturously against the immense pain coursing throughout his body. Angel would not allow them to do more than two before she wrenched through the door, shutting off the machinery, screaming.

“
Leave him alone! Leave him alone!” She yelled. “I will take care of him, I will take care of my husband, I will find a cure for him but I’ll see you in hell before I allow you to do this to him again.”

When he was brought home he suffered no one, often lashing out in anger at Angel, emotionally abusive, when he realized his abuse, he would lock himself away from days at a time, with no food and on drink, no matter how much Angel coaxed, pleaded and demanded he eat. She kept Glory far away from him, fear of what Asher might do in one of his rages, as she termed it, forcing Glory’s safety. Two weeks after his electrical shock therapy she found his moods decreasingly worse until he could no longer take care of any of his needs and she tended him as she did Glory and only then in this passive state did she allow the baby around her father. She’d sent a courier to his parents, asking Maria to send the herbal medicines she’d given Asher as a child with instructions on its use, she also began studying on her own and with Dr. Jenkins help, she found more reputable doctors, men of the mind and body who consulted with Asher, some promising, some not.

“
Husband,” Angel said, she’d led Asher out onto their French balcony in the high of the fall afternoon, the air crisp and refreshing as a bundled up Glory upon a blanket at their feet crawled around, and playing with the wooden toys Anthony had created for her. “It is a beautiful day, is it not?” She said, knowing she’d get no response. Asher hadn’t spoken a full sentence in four weeks, he instead stared at the trees lining their balcony, his eyes blank, emotionless, taking no knowledge of his wife or daughter. It did not matter that he did not speak. She kept up a running chatter, speaking to both Glory and Asher, Glory who would coo and smile as she crawled around their feet, more interested in gumming on the toys and the thickness of the blanket than her parents before her. “Your mothers’ package has finally arrived, she states in her letter her and your father shall arrive in tow within the week but she wanted to send the package post haste. I have read about many of these medicines. Some from the Hebrew doctor who pointed me towards the healing herbs of the Bible. It is quite informative. I shall start you on the St. John’s wart this evening and I believe she said the milk thistle and dandelion. Anthony came over yesterday. Do you remember? He says the business is fine, I am glad you made him the manager before your treatment, he seems quite capable, no more the rake and playboy of last year. He left some business journals, I have already gone over some, the transactions from the cotton from Egypt and the silk works from China seems in order. I never thought I would have such a head for business. There is one merchant, however, who worries me, but I am sure you will figure that out on your own.”

She was met with silence and Glory babbling excitedly towards the red as a red robin perched on the balcony watching the family oddly.

“
Glory will be six months old. Oh, I cannot believe it; she crawls so fast, upon such fat legs. She is so humorous to watch, she’s so happy except during bath time, she hates baths, and I fear she would live in her own mess if she could. Never mind,” Angel said, smiling at Glory who crawled towards the end of the blanket after her toy ship which she had thrown. “Mrs. Bates has prepared a chicken pot pie for dinner, I smell it all the way up here, and doesn’t it smell delicious?” She asked. “Are you hungry, Asher?”

He did not answer.

“
You should eat well for dinner tonight; you did not eat much for supper. You cannot afford to lose much more weight husband, you’ve lost a stone. I must fatten you up as the doctor once told me to fatten up.”

Asher could not respond. Angel did not expect him to. Her inane chatter finally gave way to silence as Glory pulled on her skirts, reaching to be picked up. Angel smiled, staring at her daughters fat cheeks. Although her parents did not eat, Glory did, with the appetite of two babies as she cooed merrily in her mothers’ arms, flashing her fathers’ dimples.

“
She looks so much like you,” Angel said softly and this time she spoke to no one but herself as she rocked the now sleepy Glory in her arms, holding her daughters small hand. “So much like you, Asher, even, even if you wished to deny her, you would know in your heart, she is your child. She has your color eyes, your nose, your dimples, your hair…but my lips and my chin. She is so beautiful. Sometimes I look at her and I become overwhelmed with love. This then is what it is to be a mother. To think more of another then yourself. To lay down your life for your child. Maybe…maybe her life will be easier than ours, dear husband. May she forever escape the bonds of slavery that shackled me…and more than this…escape the demons that haunt you. I will protect her with my life. I will protect you, dear husband, with my life. I promise.”

Asher did not speak; his eyes still stared vacant ahead of him. He made no motions and heard no words.

The days grew exceedingly difficult. Asher was no more than a shell of a man. His parents came and went. His brothers and sister and extended family visited often, bringing cheer and laughter and prayer. He responded to nothing. His hair grew completely silver in a short years’ time, he responded to little stimulation and other than his daughter, Glory and Angel, would cower if another touched him. He was no longer the virile man she’d met; instead he seemed to have aged 20 years in twelve short months. But Angel tended to him with every fiber of her being as she did her daughter and the household often going to bed in the wee hours of the morning, a cot next to her husbands bed, barely sleeping for fear he would leave the safe confines of his room and roam the streets of London as he’d done often in the past few months.

“
Good night, husband,” Angel said after standing from her prayers, stoking the fire in the cool room and making sure that Asher was well covered. He was gaunt and had lost more than two stones in a year’s time. He rarely ate, he never spoke, but he slept for long hours…as if escaping from reality…from his wife and child. Angel bit her lip, she’d kept herself from crying since that day…that day he’d first received electrical shock treatments. Yet…for the first time, watching her husband, with his eyes closed, his form so still she bent down closer, to make sure he breathed yet, tears slipped from her eyes and fell upon one of his cheeks as she hurriedly brushed her face, shame upon it.

Be strong, Angel, she chided herself. Asher had not even flinched upon the feel of her tear upon his cheek. You must be strong. Your husband and daughter needs you.