Andrew North Blows Up the World (8 page)

My knees started shaking. For whatever reason, Mr. Gormulka had decided to let me live for now—even after finding me in front of his secret lair.

But he was obviously planning to kill me that night at the music program!

Agent North had had to wear some ridiculous disguises on his spy missions. There was the time in Chicago when he had to disguise himself as a garbageman, complete with garbage stuck to his face. There was the night in Africa when he had to dress up as the back end of a camel. And, of course, there was the time in Switzerland when he had to dress up like that girl from the instant-hot-chocolate box. It was all part of the job.

But as North pulled on the sweater with the fluffy squirrel on it, he considered turning in his resignation. If he had to dress up like this to keep Dr. Cringe from stealing the Liberty Bell well then Dr. Cringe could just go ahead and steal it! It was only a bell, after all. And it was already broken, anyway!

“I have been reborn!” said Aunt Brianna. We were all at the table, eating an early dinner before the program.

That might sound like a big deal, but really it wasn’t. Aunt Brianna gets “reborn” all the time. It’s what she says every time she gets a new hobby or “career path.” When I was in first grade, she was “reborn” as a vegetarian, and for a while there it seemed like she wouldn’t even eat lettuce if she thought the truck that brought it to the store might have frightened a cow on the way. But then the next time we saw her, she had been reborn again, and now she was into Italian cooking, which involved a lot of meat.

“What is it this time?” Mom asked.

“I’m going to become an alpaca farmer!” she announced.

“What’s an alpaca?” I asked.

“They’re sort of like llamas, only they don’t bite,” said Aunt Brianna. “They’re the cutest creatures you ever saw in your life.”

“Cuter than monkeys?” I asked.

“By far!” said Aunt Brianna.

I didn’t argue with her, but it’s a well-known fact that no animal in the world is cuter than a monkey. Some people might say dolphins are cuter, but those people are wrong.

“So, how does one go about becoming an alpaca farmer, Bri?” asked Mom.

I could see she was just humoring her, like people humor four-year-olds who say they’re building a rocket ship. Aunt Brianna didn’t seem to notice.

“Well, it doesn’t cost that much to get started,” she said.
“Less than I paid for my car. I’m going to buy two alpacas and rent space at a farm for them until they start breeding. After that, I’ll be making so much money selling the wool that I can buy my own land and start up my own farm next year! There’s an empty space up north of Preston that I can probably get really cheap.”

“Well, of course it’s cheap,” said Dad. “It’s in the middle of nowhere.”

“It won’t be for long,” said Mom. “That land would be a bargain.”

“Yeah,” said Aunt Brianna. “It’s a really good investment. Once they build that giant new mall in Preston, the whole area’s going to explode, and the price of the land will go way up. Then I’ll sell it at a huge profit and buy a cheap farm somewhere else. So I’ll be making money from the land
and
the wool!”

“How much does the wool go for?” asked Dad.

“Lots,” said Aunt Brianna. “It’s the best wool in the world. And I can use plenty of it for my own knitting, of course, so you guys can count on getting some pretty fantastic sweaters!”

I forced myself to smile, but it wasn’t easy.

I was wearing the sweater that she’d given me. I looked like such a dork that I wanted to punch
myself
. There was no way that people like Neil would be able to resist making fun of me. I wished I had an extra five bucks to buy some really choice insults before the program, but it was looking like I’d just have to think on my feet.

Fortunately, that’s something spies are really good at.

“Well, I sure hope you’ll invite us out to see the alpacas,” said Mom. Then she turned to me. “Andrew,” she said, “what are you going to be singing tonight besides your solo?”

“We’re doing three songs,” I said. “Besides the one I’m doing, there’s that parlor song I told you about and then a rap song.”

“Mr. Cunyan is teaching you to rap?” asked Jack. “That’s gotta be lame!”

“I think it’s fantastic,” said Aunt Brianna. “He must be very open to multiculturalism to introduce you suburban kids to urban music.”

“Everyone already knows about rap,” I said. “I think we all know more about it than Mr. Cunyan does. He mostly likes old-fashioned songs about people dying and stuff.”

“I can’t believe that guy is even still alive!” said Jack.

“Maybe he isn’t,” I said. “Maybe he’s a zombie!”

“Be nice!” said Mom. “I think it’s wonderful that a man of his age is willing to explore modern musical styles. Which rap song are you singing, Andrew?”

“One that Mr. Cunyan wrote,” I said.

Jack was laughing. “
Mr. Cunyan
wrote a
rap
song? I’d die before I sang a rap song that guy wrote in front of people!”

“Jack!” said Mom. “That’s not very polite.”

“I don’t blame him, Mom,” I said. “I might very well die tonight because of it. I’ll die of embarrassment!” I tried to point down at the sweater sneakily so that Mom would
notice but Aunt Brianna wouldn’t. Mom, Dad, and Jack got the message. Jack started laughing even harder.

“I almost wish I was going now,” said Jack between chuckles. “Just to see that!”

“You
are
going,” Mom said.

Jack stopped laughing. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean you’re going to the program,” said Mom. “What made you think you weren’t going?”

“I just thought that maybe I could just, you know, hang out at home,” said Jack. “You know they can always use an extra seat.”

“Jack!” said Mom. “It’s your brother’s music program. Of course you’re going. He went to all of yours before he was even in school.”

“Oh, it’s all right,” I said. “He doesn’t have to.”

I really wanted Jack to go back to thinking I was cool, like he used to. And I didn’t think that was going to be possible if he saw me rapping in a cutesy-wootsy sweater. Besides, if I was able to successfully fend off Neil’s insults, foil Mr. Gormulka’s evil plot to kill us all, get Jack’s calculator back from Storage Room B, and nail my solo—a pretty tall order for a normal kid but not for a superspy like myself—then the next time Jack saw me, Dad’s boss would have called me up for training, just like him. Then we could work together to save the world from evil spies like Mr. Gormulka, just like we used to.

“Of course he has to,” said Mom. “There’s no question about it.”

Jack sighed, got up, and walked to his room without even glancing in my direction. I felt my heart sink a little. I’d tried to help him, and he hadn’t even noticed. Now he was probably going to be a big jerk all through the whole music program. Mom followed him, probably to give him a lecture.

I stared down at my food, trying not to let it show that I was upset. And kind of scared. And kind of worried that my complete failure to get into Storage Room B when I had a chance meant that I might not be cut out for spy training after all.

“You okay, Andrew?” asked Dad.

I nodded and didn’t look at him or Aunt Brianna. I knew that it was one of those times when if I opened my mouth at all, I’d start crying.

“Come on, champ,” said Aunt Brianna, who hadn’t figured out that no one over the age of five likes to be called “champ.” “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I muttered.

“Jack’s going through a tough age,” Dad told me. “Some people say that being a teenager is the best time of your life, but they don’t remember how hard it is to be thirteen.”

“Jeez,” said Aunt Brianna. “That was the worst year of my life.”

“Don’t take it personally,” said Dad. “He’s being a real jerk to your mom and me these days, too. And it hurts our feelings, too, even though we always knew he’d be like this when he was thirteen. Almost everyone is like that when they’re thirteen. You probably will be, too.”

I nodded, but I didn’t feel much better, if you want to know the truth. I knew Mrs. Wellington was going to be up-set with me, but I didn’t think I could smile very much at the program.

A few minutes later, we all piled into the car. Jack had come out of his bedroom, but he still wore an angry scowl, like he was too cool for this. Aunt Brianna sat in the back, next to me and Jack. While she and my parents had a chat about alpacas and real estate, Jack leaned over to me.

“You all set?” he asked, quietly enough that the adults wouldn’t notice.

I was surprised that he was talking to me at all. “Sure,” I said.

“Just be careful,” he said. “You know why.”

Jack was trying to warn me! I guess he did care what happened to me at the music program after all. “I will,” I said, dropping my voice to a whisper. “Listen, I’m a little worried that if Mr. Gormulka had a gadget that could blow up the whole school, he’d probably pick tonight to use it, wouldn’t he? Since Dad’s boss is going to be there?”

Jack nodded gravely. “Absolutely,” he said. “No doubt about it. He wouldn’t care how many regular people he had to blow up if he could get me, Dad,
and
the head of the company. That’s a bunch of very important spies right there. I wouldn’t worry, though. From the intelligence we got this week, it doesn’t sound like he has any gadgets that could do that.”

I felt like I’d just eaten about six helpings of Friday potato salad.

Only
I
knew that Mr. Gormulka had gotten access to a dangerous gadget just days before! And
I
was the one who had put it in his hands. If the world blew up that night, it would all be my fault.

If there was ever a time I had to prove my spy capabilities, it was tonight!

This was it. Even Dave the Monkey couldn’t help Agent North now.

North stared down into the bottomless pit beneath him. He would only have one chance to jump over it. If a single thing went wrong, he was a goner. And if he didn’t make the jump, the whole country was probably doomed.

But just “probably.” Not definitely. Maybe Dr. Cringe would decide not to blow up the world. Maybe he’d have a change of heart and decide to give everyone in the world a free pony instead. It could happen! Maybe Dr. Cringe wasn’t really so bad after all. Maybe he was just misunderstood. He did, after all, have excellent taste in suits.

Agent North knew he probably couldn’t make the jump.

Was it safer not to try and just hope that Dr. Cringe would decide to have mercy on the world? Maybe he had been visited in the night by the Ghosts of Music Programs Past, Present, and Future and had decided to change his ways!

Agent North thought long and hard about simply turning around and joining in the card game that was going on back at his old classroom. If he was going to get blown up, shouldn’t he just enjoy his last few minutes of being in one piece … ?

It’s always weird being at school at night. I mean, I spend more time at school than I do at home most days, if you don’t count the time that I’m in bed, which I don’t. But when it’s dark outside, school seems like a whole different place. And when you know you may not survive the night, well, that makes it even stranger.

My parents, Aunt Brianna, and Jack, who had gone back to sulking and acting like a real jerk, dropped me off at the door to my classroom.

About half the class, including Neil, Nicole, and Tony, were already there. During music programs, we all just hang out in our classrooms until it’s time for our class to go to the auditorium.

As I had expected, as soon as I stepped into the room, everyone started making fun of my sweater.

“Check out North!” said Neil. “He’s dressed like a four-year-old!”

A bunch of people laughed. Nicole grinned, then whispered something to the girl next to her, who started going around whispering to everyone else. I knew they were making fun of me. All of them. It was not the way I wanted to spend the last couple hours of my life.

But soon people stopped laughing and went back to just hanging out. Some people were sitting at their desks, drinking cups of that orange drink they’re always passing around at school parties, and others were sitting on the floor, playing a card game called Bull Crap, where you have
to lie your butt off to win. Playing it with Tony Zunker is always fun.

I didn’t try to get in on the game. I had too much to worry about. I sat down at my desk and tried to figure out what I should do. Should I risk trying to get the calculator back, or just trust that when Mr. Gormulka made his move, Dad, Jack, and Dad’s boss would probably take care of it?

Deep down, I knew I couldn’t risk that. Dad, Jack, and Dad’s boss didn’t even know that Mr. Gormulka had the calculator. And I still had the key to Storage Room B, even though I was scared to death to go in there. What if Mr. Gormulka was waiting there to kill me? What if he had gotten his hands on
extra
sharks and spiders?

I looked around the room, trying to think up a plan.

If Mr. Gormulka was going to kill me, he wouldn’t expect me to know about it. If I stuck around in the classroom, then went onstage with everyone else, he would know right where to find me. Maybe he’d be waiting in the wings to grab me right out of the line when we walked out to the risers! Or maybe he would be in the audience, waiting for me to come onstage before punching in the code that would make the calculator blow up the whole school!

Obviously, I couldn’t go onstage. It wasn’t safe. Not for me or anyone else. I had to get out of here. If I wasn’t on-stage, Mr. Gormulka might not blow us all up.

I walked up to Mr. Summers, who was at his desk, happily doing long division with a pencil.

“Are you okay, Andrew?” he asked. “Don’t you want to play cards with everyone else?”

“I’m just nervous, I guess,” I said. “Can I go to the bathroom?”

“Well, we’re going onstage in a minute,” he said. “I think you’d better wait.”

I needed something to distract Mr. Summers enough that I could sneak out. And if anyone could create a disturbance like that, it was Ryan Kowalski.