Andrea Pickens - [Lessons in Love 01] (22 page)

He gave another harsh laugh, low and barely audible. "You can imagine my father's reaction. I was not of age—why I thought he would understand and consent is now beyond me. So we had no choice but to wait until I attained my majority."

"But then Elizabeth found she was with child. I renewed my arguments with my father, begging to be allowed to do the honorable thing. He merely laughed at me and said I was finally acting like a man—one bedded the neighborhood girls for sport, one didn't marry them. I think it was the first time he had ever approved of me."

"I threatened to run off to Gretna Green if he didn't give in, and he must have finally believed I was serious." Saybrook hesitated, his face looking even more tortured. "The next day Elizabeth was gone, a note in her hand informing me that she hated me for ruining her and that she never wanted to lay eyes on me again. Callow youth that I was, I believed it! I didn't blame her for thinking ill of me."

"Her parents said she had gone to stay with relatives. They refused to say where. I tried to write, but they would not give me any address nor would they accept a missive to deliver to her. I was told she was better off if I left her alone, and I believed it."

"I returned to university feeling bitter and disillusioned, with nothing but contempt for myself. Instead of applying myself to my studies, I threw myself into the kind of debaucheries I had previously shunned. Much of my time was spent in Town, drinking, gambling and indulging in... the attractions of the muslin set. I suppose I sought to give my father what he wanted—with a vengeance. After one particularly bad incident, I was sent down."

"One evening, when my father had made one of his trips to London, I was working at his desk. In looking for some correspondence concerning the sale of some stud horses we were interested in buying, I came across a letter hidden in the back of the drawer. It had been addressed to me at Oxford, and forwarded home. I recognized the hand immediately—it was from Elizabeth, asking why I didn't at least take the time to answer any of her other letters. It begged me to be with her for the birth of our child and to see that some provision would be made for its welfare. I knew her well enough to read the anguish and despair."

"In a rage, I raced to her father's cottage and confronted him. He must have sensed that in my mood I was capable of anything, so he confessed that my father had threatened him and his family with ruin if Elizabeth wasn't sent away from me. She was forced to write the note I received and Father arranged for her to be taken on at my sister's estate—though Sarah never knew the truth. Her father was paid—paid!—for his silence. He knew that my father had bribed someone at Oxford to see that I received none of her letters."

"I rode all that night, and the next day and night as well. But I was a day too late. She had given birth to a healthy baby boy, yet was so despondent and ashamed that she couldn't face going on. She... threw herself from the roof of the manor house."

Saybrook halted to steady his voice. "My sister and her husband had been trying for years to have children. When she learned the truth, she begged me to let her keep the child and raise it as her own. Theirs was a remote estate, with loyal servants who would not gossip. No one would ever know it was not hers."

"I didn't care. In fact, for the next few months, it was as if I was living in a daze. I considered putting a period to my own existence, but was too cowardly to do so. Finally, I roused myself enough to go home, telling Sara to do what she saw fit—I couldn't bear to even look at the child. I confronted my father with what he had done. We had a terrible quarrel and, by God, I struck him—I'll never forget the shock in his eyes as he looked up at me from the floor, a trickle of blood coming from his lip. I swore that I would never see him again, turned on my heel and left. I never did. He died three years later."

"I threw myself into a dissolute life with even more abandon, but even London seemed too close, too much of a reminder. I went abroad..." he trailed off. "You can imagine my shock on hearing of my sister and brother-in-law's deaths, and that they had made me Peter—my son's—guardian. How ironic!" His voice was getting softer, the words less distinct as the laudanum took its effect. "So you see, Miss Langley, you were quite right to take a disgust of me. I am quite beyond the pale, don't you think?"

Jane placed her hand on his arm and bent close by his head. "I think it is a very sad story, sir. And I also think it is time you forgave yourself. Anyone would—most of all Elizabeth."

His face looked bleak. "I don't know if I can."

"Did you... love her that much?"

He shook his head slightly. "I was grateful for her friendship. Was it love? I don't know. I fancied it was then, but now I doubt that we would have suited as we grew older."

Jane felt an unreasonable spasm of relief. She let her hand find his and hold it tightly. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, my lord. You acted honorably and as a gentleman should—it is you and not your father who are a credit to your family name."

He tried to say something in reply, but the words were thick, incoherent. Already his breathing had lapsed into the regular rhythm of opium-induced sleep. She moved to pull the covers up over his chest, then impulsively brushed a light kiss to his cheek.

"Good night, sir."

* * *

"Enough!" cried Mrs. Fairchild in the morning upon finding Jane slumped in her chair. "Both gentlemen are out of danger now and I'll brook no more argument from you! You will go to your own chamber and sleep, or I shall have James and Charles carry you there!"

Jane was too exhausted to argue. She allowed the older woman to shoo her out of Saybrook's room, and on reaching her own bed, she collapsed without undressing and fell into a deep, deep sleep.

* * *

Saybrook awoke in the late afternoon, his head finally feeling clear and lucid. He tried to remember all that had taken place, but the events of the past number of days seemed hazy and confused. He wasn't sure exactly what was real and what had been merely dreams—or nightmares. The pain in his side told him that the accident was no figment of his imagination. He remembered the bull and Peter on the ground... But had Miss Langley truly been there in his chamber throughout his ordeal, or had it been just a feverish delusion?

He opened his eyes slowly.

"Oh, Mr. Edward! Thank God the fever has passed!" Mrs. Fairchild put down her knitting and came to hover by his bedside.

"Miss Langley. Is she here?" he said softly.

Mrs. Fairchild shook her head reprovingly. "Now sir, the poor dear has not been to sleep for four days. Cared for both of you, she did, and wouldn't let anyone else near. Surely you wouldn't wish her disturbed—I can get you whatever you need."

So it hadn't been a dream. She had been there.

"Of course," he murmured. "And Peter?"

The housekeeper smiled. "Our biggest worry will be keeping the lad still in bed so that his arm can mend properly."

"That is good news. If you please, I would like a glass of water." He eased himself higher in bed as Mrs. Fairchild fetched the glass, then began to fuss over the pillows.

"I shall manage on my own, thank you," he said, taking the glass. "There is no need for anyone to hover at my bedside—I have no intention of sticking my spoon in the wall in the near future."

"Well, you may tease me, Mr. Edward, but it was a serious thing, it was. Why, without Miss Langley..." she trailed off, confused. "I shall send to Cook for some porridge. You must try to eat."

Saybrook lapsed into deep thought. Miss Langley's behavior was puzzling. He could well understand her concern for Peter, and that her sense of responsibility wouldn't allow her to leave in a crisis. But why had she insisted on nursing him as well, when he well knew her disgust of him. Disgust—nay, hatred.

And with good reason.

So why had he imagined the tender touch of her lips? Because he was a fool, he chided himself angrily. A fool and delirious. It made no sense. Too weak to think any more on it, he fell back into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

The fresh breeze still felt like a tonic even though four days had passed since Jane had emerged from the sickroom. She pulled her shawl more closely around her shoulders, but kept walking, reveling in the sound of the leaves rustling and the shrill cries of the starlings flying over the meadows.

Peter's protests at having to remain abed still echoed in her ears, but his restlessness cheered all of them, for it meant there were no lingering aftereffects from the blow to the head. She spent mornings with him, fighting grand battles with his lead soldiers among the myriad folds of his bedclothes or reading aloud from one of the schoolroom novels.

Mary, the young maid who had shared in the nursing duties, had shown a marked aptitude for dealing with the boy as well. She came from a large family and loved children. Jane was happy to see that Peter took to her, too. She had already mentioned to Mrs. Fairchild that the girl would make a good substitute until another governess—or tutor—could be found.

Of Saybrook she had seen nothing. She had heard he was recovering remarkably well, and that to Dr. Hastings's consternation, he had even been up and about for brief periods of time. But she had made it a point to avoid his room and to give the library a wide berth. It was just as well that they didn't have to face each other.

Lost in thought, she turned the corner around a high hedge of yews and nearly tripped over a pair of long legs thrust out into the middle of the path.

"Oh, your pardon," she exclaimed, then fell into confused silence when she looked up at who it was.

Saybrook sat on a stone bench. He was dressed casually, a silk dressing gown over his shirt and trousers, a heavy greatcoat draped over his shoulders for protection from the cool breeze. His face was still pale, accentuating the shade of his eyes, but a touch of color was returning to his cheeks. The stubble was gone and his long hair was combed neatly off his forehead. To her dismay, she felt a stab of excitement at seeing him.

"I'm so sorry, my lord, "she faltered. "I didn't know you... I hope I haven't jostled you."

"Forgive me for startling you." His words sounded cool and stilted. "The air is refreshing, is it not, after being confined to a sickroom?"

Jane nodded, not daring to meet his eyes. Saybrook's hands rested on the chaised silver knob of an ebony cane and they tightened imperceptibly.

"I am in your debt, Miss Langley," he continued stiffly, "for your competence and fortitude in caring for Peter—and myself, though I know how unpleasant it must have been for you."

"I was merely doing what was right, sir." Her words sounded horribly trite to her own ears.

"Yes, I know what a refined sense of duty and responsibility you have. Though why you felt it was due...." He let it trail off.

Jane made no reply.

"Well." It sounded like a dismissal and Jane began to move away, still not looking at his face.

"A moment, if you please."

She halted.

"I should like to know, that is, I was delirious at times, I believe, and don't recall what was a dream and what was..." He hesitated. "I mean to say..."

Jane looked up at him. "If you mean to ask, sir, whether you told me about Elizabeth, and that Peter is indeed your son—yes, you did."

It was Saybrook's turn to look away. His mouth quirked in a humorless smile. "Ah. Well, you see you were quite right to find my company abhorrent. But you, at least, have escaped with your virtue intact."

"I..." she began, furrowing her brow. She stopped for a moment. "It is only yourself who judges so harshly," she finished.

He looked surprised and confused. It appeared he was about to speak further when the tramp of boots on gravel announced the arrival of someone else.

"Beg pardon, my lord." William Coachman bobbed his head. "Mrs. Fairchild thought you was out here and I wanted to inform you that Miss Jane—" he glanced in her direction—"has requested the carriage to take her to Hinchley in the morning."

Saybrook's eyes betrayed a flicker of emotion, but his voice was cool. "Of course. Miss Langley has leave to do as she pleases. See to her wishes." He rose slowly from the bench, steadying himself with the cane, and began a labored walk back to the manor house by himself.

Chapter 10