An Underestimated Christmas (Underestimated 3) (8 page)

“You’re impossible.”

“Am I?”

I made sure Drew heard the frustrated breath, but I didn’t reply. I knew he
needed something from me. I just didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know how to ease his trepidations any more than I knew how to ease my own. So Drew did what Drew does, and I let him. Maybe it made us both fucked up, but nonetheless it’s what we did, what we knew, and what brought us back together.

Not one word was exchanged while Drew stripped me of my clothes and then ate me out. Not one word was spoken when I forced my body over his lap, needing to feel his burning hands on my ass. Not one word was mumbled while I took his cock in my ass bent over the vanity chair, and not one word was spoken when I parted my lips and I let him come in my mouth. We fucked, sucked, and screwed in every possible positon without one single syllable.

I fell asleep, lost in Drew’s arms…again, without a word.

I knew I was hurting Morgan, but dammit, she was hurting me, too. I didn’t understand why everything had to be a game with her? I had been walking on eggshells ever since that stupid fucking doctor ever suggested such a ridiculous thing. We were fine, and if Morgan would have just let it go, we could have kept being fine. I hated the tension she was causing between us. It was almost Halloween and I had been dealing with it all summer. Something had to give. And soon.

I’m not putting all the blame on Morgan. I knew it wasn’t all her, but I did feel like she kept it going. Like she enjoyed the flame. I knew how messed up it was that I fucked her the way I did. The way she and I both reacted to each other in bed. We could express things there that we couldn’t in broad daylight. And to be perfectly honest, I think we both needed to feel that connection to keep going.

It wasn’t that I minded her going to the beach house for a couple days at all. I actually thought it might do us some good to get away from each other for a couple days. It was the part about her not wanting me with her was the problem. Not once did she say,
Drew, come with me. I need you.
She was fine without me. Maybe that’s what scared me the most. Knowing she could be fine without me. I didn’t want her to be fine without me. I wanted her to be lost without me the way I was without her.

I tried my best to let her go and think I didn’t care. That it wouldn’t bother me one bit if she was gone, but I couldn’t do it. My plan was to go to work and not say a word to her the day she left. I made it until an hour before I knew she would be leaving and sent her a text.

Drew—Morgan?

Morgan—Yeah?

Drew—I <9 you.

Morgan—I <999 you.

Drew—always gotta be on top. Don’t leave me.

Morgan—I’m not leaving you, Drew. We need help.

Drew—I’ll call Deidra again.

Morgan—Not Deidra. Deidra can’t help us. I love <3 you. I’ll call you later if you want me to.

Drew—Of course I want you to. I <83433934323 you!!!

Morgan—94544104534

I laughed when I saw every number I used except for being one digit higher. I didn’t want them to go.

I spent most of my evening alone in my office, dreading the thought of going home to an empty house. I thought about Morgan and the boys constantly, wondering if I was doing the right thing. What if I was depriving Nicholas of something he needed? No. No. I wasn’t. There was nothing wrong with Nicholas. Just because he liked bridges instead of baseball didn’t mean shit. My kid was probably smarter than most five-year-olds out there. And he wasn’t even quite five yet.

I spent the rest of my time looking for a new bridge replica for Nicholas’s upcoming birthday. I knew he was too young for it, but I could help him. I ordered him a very expensive K-Next building kit. It was sold in the train section for those train towns people make in their basements. Nicholas would love it. He didn’t have a suspension bridge yet.

After heating up leftovers Morgan left labeled for me in the refrigerator, I dialed Morgan.

“Hey, talk to Nicky for a minute. Tadpole had an accident.”

“What happened?” I asked, concerned.

“Nothing, Drew. He had an accident in his pants.”

Morgan’s voice never came back on the phone. I talked to Nicholas for as long as his attention span allowed. Morgan never called back after he hung up. I tried to make myself call her after I knew the boys would be asleep, but I couldn’t. She could call me just as easily as I could call her.

We did speak briefly the next day, but not about anything. The boys playing in the water was the only reason she even talked to me, I was sure.

“Is Alicia coming?” I asked, trading trivial conversation with my wife.

“No. I picked a bad week to come. Celeste is out of town and Vince has school.”

“Well, that’ll give you time to spend with your mom.”

“No. Like I said, I picked a bad week. They’re booked and short staffed. She’s busy. It’s fine. The boys and I are just fine by ourselves.”

“That was below the belt,” I accused. Like I needed to hear her tell me she didn’t need me. I felt it without her admitting to it.

“That’s not what I meant, Drew.”

“Really? How did you mean it? How else would you like to say it, Morgan?”

“I’m not doing this. You make an issue out of nothing every time I try to talk to you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t talk to me.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. I’ll let the boys call you later.”

“Morgan!” I called out a second too late. Dammit. I didn’t want to do that. That was not my intention.

I walked out to the patio with a strong drink and my phone, just in case she called back. She didn’t. Four mixed drinks and three shots later, she was still on my mind. Looking at the time on my phone, I slumped in the lounge chair more. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep without telling her I loved her. However, I couldn’t believe she let the boys call me without so much as one word. She hung up as soon as Tad was finished talking to me.

My thumb rested on her name, keeping the light from shutting off on my phone. I wondered if she was thinking about me, or if I was the furthest thing from her mind. I jumped, startled when my phone rang and Morgan’s close-up smiled at me from my phone. I wasn’t expecting her to sound like that. I shouldn’t have let her go alone. I should have known she was ready to break. I had all the signs. Fuck. I was so fucking stupid.

“Drew,” she cried with a shaky voice, shattering my heart. I needed to be there. I needed to hold her and tell her we were okay, that our son was okay.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“I don’t know. I just need you, Drew.”

“I’m at least six hours away, baby. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“What happened to us, Drew? Why aren’t we holding each other up right now?”

“I’m sorry, Morgan.”

“Stop being in denial, Drew. You’re making it out to be a death sentence for all of us and it’s not. People live with autism every day,” she cried in my ear. I knew I should say something comforting, but I couldn’t. She just labeled my son and I didn’t like it. Nicholas wasn’t a statistical number.

“You’re making it out to be the death sentence for us. Why can’t you let it go, Morgan? Why can’t we just go back to being us, before you put a label on my son?” I listened to the exasperated sigh, trying to calm down. Morgan was sad and upset. I wasn’t trying to be a dick. It just came out that way.

“Okay, Drew. Have it your way. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Morgan, no. Don’t hang up,” I begged, hoping I wasn’t too late.

“This isn’t helping, Drew. Let’s just talk tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to hang up. I want you to be here with me. I’m sorry. Don’t hang up.” I had to call her name again to see if she was still there. Morgan didn’t know what to say any more than I did. “Morgan?”

“I’m here.”

“Do you want me to come there?”

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. I think I may have had a little too much to drink. It just made me think deeper than I should be.”

“Hmm, I did the same thing,” I admitted. I was careful with everything I said from there on out. I knew one wrong word could set either of us off. I treaded lightly, smiling and listening to Morgan talk about the boys. We both made trivial small talk and avoided the conversation we should have been having. I half listened to Morgan talking about her mother’s bed and breakfast, and how busy they were. I didn’t care about that. My family was broken and I wanted my wife. I wanted my son to be like every other little boy. It wasn’t fair.

Morgan didn’t deserve this, and Nicholas sure as hell didn’t deserve it. If this was karma trying to get even with me for things I had done, it was enough already. Karma needed to fuck with me, not my family.

“We’re okay, Morgan. I swear,” I quietly promised before saying goodnight.

“We have to do this, Drew.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, take care of my boys.”

“I love you, too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I begged Morgan to bring the boys and come home for the next three days. She kept telling me maybe the next day. I finally decided to say fuck it and go to her. Luckily, the charter service I used for a private plane had a two-hour guarantee to have me in the air.

“Oh hey, Drew,” my neighbor called from her front yard when I stopped at the end of the drive to grab the mail. I wasn’t overly friendly with Chelsea. I rudely flipped my mail when she walked toward me.

“Hello, Chelsea,” I nodded. I hated that bitch.

“Hi, I’ve been watching the house for Morgan. I wanted to tell her we had enough help for the bake sale.”

“She’s not home. I’ll tell her. Is there a reason her help is no longer needed?” I condescendingly asked.

“Oh, you know. We just don’t think it’s a good idea. We don’t want the other kids to be afraid or feel uncomfortable.”

“And you’re afraid Morgan will scare your kids?”

The bitch actually chuckled. “Of course not. Morgan told me about Nicholas. It’s okay, I understand. My heart goes out to you both.”

“Yeah, and mine goes out to your stuck-up, narrow-minded, narcissistic ass. Have a good day, Chelsea,” I replied with a nod, flicking my mail to her with my wrist. Her hand instantly covered her mouth in shock. Stupid fucking bitch. I should have given Morgan permission to deck her, and let the boys piss on her ankles.

I left work at one, I was in the air by two, and on the ground six hours later. I hated knowing the boys would be asleep before I got there.

I should have stayed at home. Just when I thought no more distance could possibly come between us, something happened to push us further away from each other. The thought to call Morgan before I came never crossed my mind.

I walked into the house from the garage, to the glass doors and the silhouette on the deck. Looking around, I noticed the opened bottle of vodka and the bottle of prescription pills opened beside it. After looking in on both of my sleeping boys, I closed the pill bottle and glanced at the label. Four refills, four of four. The bottle was dated two weeks before and she had already filled the bottle four times. Why didn’t I know this? Was this something I needed to be concerned about? I don’t think you’re supposed to drink while on Lortab.

My first reaction was to be pissed at her. She was abusing prescription pills and drinking while my boys slept. Hell no. Fuck no. I was pissed. I was pissed right up until the time opened the door and saw her crying. Fuck.

Kneeling in front of her, Morgan latched on like she was holding on for dear life. I held her, not saying one word while she sobbed in the crook of my neck. I’m sure at least ten minutes went by with Morgan weeping in my arms. Why did I keep doing everything all wrong? How the hell was I supposed to fix this?

I kissed Morgan’s puffy eyes and lips, holding her face in my hands. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened. I just—I can’t—I don’t want…”

“Shhh, slow down. Stop crying. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. What’s wrong, baby?”

“Everything is wrong, Drew. Nothing is right. I can’t do this by myself. I need you.”

“I’m right here, Morgan. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Stop fucking doing that,” she yelled, standing. “Stop fucking pretending like everything is okay. You can’t ignore it and make it go away, Drew.”

“Are you hooked on pain pills?”

“What?” she asked, changing the flailing armed attitude to hands on her hips in shock. I didn’t know what else to say. I was tired of her constantly wanting to bring up Nicholas.

“He’s the same today as he was yesterday, and last week, and last year. Why isn’t that good enough for you anymore?” I asked, feeling the emotions shift to anger.

“Drew, I don’t know how to get through to you. He’s sick. He needs help, and I can’t help him if you continue to live in denial.”

“I’m not living in denial, Morgan. I don’t know why you’re so quick to jump on this bandwagon.”

“Just get online and research it, Drew. That’s all I’m asking. Please,” Morgan begged.

“I don’t need to research it, Morgan. Can’t you stop with this? Please,” I begged in the same tone she had.