An Idiot in Love (a laugh out loud comedy) (11 page)

              Afterwards she threw her arms around my neck and grinned at me in close-up. I thought she was preparing for a long, passionate kiss, but instead she popped another quick peck on my lips and then released me.

              When we left the dizzying lights of the arcade, the natural sunlight burned. The clean air and the bright glare took a few minutes adjusting to.

              She wrapped her arm in mine and we moved down the street. After a few steps in silence her face took on a more forlorn persona.

              ‘I’m leaving tomorrow,’ she told me sombrely.

              I stopped in my tracks, my arm slipped from hers. ‘Wh--what do you mean?’

              ‘Me and my parents, we’re going home,’ she explained.

              ‘You can’t!’ I was crestfallen.

              She laughed softly. ‘We have to eventually.’

              ‘Bu--but not now!’

              ‘No, not now. Tomorrow.’

              ‘Bu--bu--bu’

              ‘Don’t worry,’ she said calmly, ‘I’ll give you my number. You can call me whenever you want. We can see each other during the holidays.’

              ‘You live what? Three, four hours away?’

              She shrugged, ‘More like two.’

              ‘It’s still a lot,’ I pouted and lowered my head.

              ‘Don’t be so glum,’ she planted a hand on my chin, pried it up with her forefinger.

              ‘But I thought we--’ I allowed my sentence to trail off. ‘I like you,’ I clarified. ‘I like you a lot.’

              ‘I like you a lot too,’ with her finger still pressed to my chin she leant in for another kiss, this time it was more than just a quick peck.

              When she released me from her puckered lips she rested her forehead against mine and looked into my eyes. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said assuredly. ‘We’ll always be together.’

              I smiled, content. She pulled away.

              ‘If you want me to stay, I guess one day you’ll have to ask me to marry you,’ she said.

              I nodded, determined to do just that, then I took her hand in mine and we set off to find my parents.

              Lizzie wrote her number on a small slip of cardboard, torn from a box of chocolate raisins. I placed the torn slip in the thin watch-pocket on my jeans, wedging it between the denim material so it wouldn’t fall out.

              I spent the afternoon and evening with Lizzie. On the beach we walked hand in hand over the lapping shore and tossed pebbles into the rushing waves. On the pier we watched the sea and ate fish-n-chips from polystyrene containers whilst my father entertained Lizzie with the worst dad jokes he could muster. At the caravan park, when the light was fading and night was setting, we swung side by side on the swings, talking of anything that came to mind, but mostly just happy to sit, swing, smile and admire.

              The following day I reluctantly agreed to accompany my parents to the rocky shores of a cave infested beach which we often frequented. It took half an hour or so in moderately congested traffic to get there, all the while my hand rested on my pocket, making sure the card didn’t climb out and fly away.

              After parking the car we trekked down a gravely slope and marched across a path of thick, wet grass. A ground cobbled with uneven natural sediment lay before an expanse of rocks and sea. In the distance I could see cave entrances; the blackened openings looked ominous in the gloom.

              My dad pointed to a large cave in the distance, beyond what looked like miles of algae covered rocks. ‘Let’s head to that one,’ he declared.

              ‘Long way,’ I noted, not wanting to stay out too long.

              ‘So?’ he said nonchalantly. ‘We’ve got all day,’

              I glared at him. He smiled back.

              ‘Only joking,’ he conceded. ‘We’ll be quick.’

              Lizzie was leaving in the evening. I wanted to get back to see her before she left. I had arranged to meet her on the swings at 15:00 so we could spend a couple of hours together; we had arrived at the beach at 10:00. I had plenty of time.

              After a while the sediment gave way to a shore of rocks and boulders, with pools of murky sea water lurking inside, washed there from the previous tide and waiting to be refreshed by another.

              We could see the cave up ahead, its great yawning mouth inviting us in. We stopped on the same ledge, looking down into a stagnant tide-pool a foot in diameter. It was no more than a few inches deep, but the water was thick and slimy. I couldn’t see the bottom.

              ‘We should go back,’ Mum offered, looking out at the expanse of rocks intersecting the varying sizes of putrid pools.

              ‘I agree,’ I said, eager to get to Lizzie.

              My dad made chicken noises, looking skyward nonchalantly as if he didn’t know the squawking sounds were coming from his lips.

              ‘That’s not going to work,’ I told him.

              He made louder noises and began to flap his arms.

              ‘Grow up.’

              He stopped and shrugged. ‘Fair enough. Long way back though.’

              We all turned around. He was right. The cave had looked distant at the start of the walk, now the entrance, and the car-park beyond, was a smudge on the horizon.

              ‘Seems a shame to just turn around,’ Mum said. ‘Let’s push on.’

              ‘What if you fall?’ I said, gesturing towards the pools. ‘The rocks are slippery.’

              She shrugged. ‘I’ll be fine.’

              I groaned.

              ‘Nice try kid,’ Dad said merrily. He brushed past me and hopped the first pool, turning around to make sure my mother successfully followed, she did so with a sense of adventure in her eyes.

              ‘Oh, this could be fun,’ she said, venturing off towards the next pool.

              I grumbled and followed, placidly hopping from rock to rock, the soles of my shoes gently slipping and sliding on the greased rocks.

              I didn’t lift my head to watch, but I could hear my parents ahead of me, they were having a lot of fun.

             
‘Oh, that was a big one!’

              ‘You go girl!’

              I couldn’t help but think I could be spending time with Lizzie. We had planned to see each other before the end of the summer holidays, but that was a couple of weeks away, and after that we might not see each other for months.

              ‘Kieran,’ my dad called back. ‘Big one there, you’ll have to go around.’

              I looked up to see him slightly out of breath. He was pointing to a large pool behind him, a series of rocks worked their way around its circumference.

              I shrugged, not in a patient mood. I quickly weighed up the option of jumping straight over the gap, and then sprang forward without much planning. I made it across, I felt the front of my feet touch onto solid rock, but the soles slipped on the algae that formed on the edges. There was a brief moment of terror when I realised I was going to fall, a split second where my face turned from pure placidity into sheer terror.

              I felt my legs shoot out behind as my body flopped forward. The green-stained rock came to greet me with ominous rapidity. My hands and elbows clattered into the rock, I could feel the cold sting of its surface against my skin.

              My legs dipped into the water behind me. The cold, shocking sensation of them dangling into the slimy liquid hit me when the impact sting in my palms began to fade into a throb.

              Dad stepped forward and took my arm. He guided me out of the water and then stepped back. He looked me up and down, a smile slowly breaking out of his face as I stood in front of him, dripping wet from the waist down with a scowl of pale disgust on my face.

              ‘Told you to go around,’ he said calmly.

              My mother rushed up to me, her hands on my face. ‘Are you okay sweetie? Are you okay? Let me have a look at you.’

              ‘I’m fine,’ I spat, shivery. ‘Leave me.’

              She reluctantly backed away, trailing a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

              ‘He’ll be fine,’ Dad turned around, ready to move on.

              ‘He’ll catch a cold!’ Mum argued, distraught.

              ‘A cold never killed anyone.’

              ‘But
pneumonia
did,’ she replied, venomously. She turned to me, ‘Take them off,’ she said, pointing to my pants.

              ‘You must be joking.’

              ‘Pneumonia is no joke Kieran.’

              I turned around, exaggeratedly gesturing to the world around me. ‘I’m not getting naked here!’

              ‘Stop being so vain,’ she said genuinely.

              My dad laughed, clearly enjoying the absurdity of her suggestion. He quickly silenced his laughter when she scowled menacingly at him.

              ‘I’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘It hasn’t even soaked through,’ I lied.

              She glared at me for a moment, seeing if I would crack. Then she settled down, seeming to believe me.

              ‘Let’s press on,’ Dad said. ‘He can dry out in the cave.’

              It didn’t seem worthwhile to avoid the pools of water for the rest of the way, but I did, dragging my soppy self over every rock and every pool.

              The floor of cave was drier than the immediate land outside, but it reeked with the scent of moisture and seemed to ooze sea air out of every pour. Most of the room inside was in inaccessibly tight spaces but there was a small area in which to sit and dry out.

              I took off the pants, wrung them out and placed them flat out on a nearby rock. My boxer shorts underneath were also soaked, I tried to hide the sodden underwear from my mother but a mother sees all; she forced me to strip naked. The soaked boxers rested next to the jeans, imprinting soggy outlines onto the rocks.

              My dad still mocked me so my mother insisted he let me use his jacket to wipe the moisture from my lower body. I took my time and enjoyed every second, standing in front of his as I did so. I watched his face twist in disgust when I reached my nether regions. I revelled in his pain, taking my time to thoroughly dry the area, front and back. I gave him the jacket back with dry legs and a smug smile, if not for my mother the jacket would have been in the sea, with me following close behind.

              My boxer shorts and jeans were still damp by the time we decided to leave, but they had dried out considerably. I wrung them again and slipped them on. The denim clung to my legs like hair to soap, but it felt better than walking around half naked.

              It was close to 13:00 when we left the cave and began the long walk back. I wasn’t happy with the wasted time but conceded that it was probably my fault, although I only told myself that. I told my parents that it was
their
fault.

              They dallied on the rocks somewhat, insisting on taking in the scenery and walking slowly so they weren’t dealt the same fate as me. We arrived back at the car before 14:00.

              ‘Come on, I’ll be late,’ I said in the backseat, kicking my legs, trying to peddle the car like in
The
Flintstones
.

              ‘Calm down,’ my mother insisted.

              ‘I’m hungry,’ Dad said, starting up the car. ‘Are you hungry sweetheart?’ he asked my mother.

              ‘Not really.’

              ‘I am. Maybe we should stop for something to eat.’

              ‘You’re joking me!’ I interjected.

              I thought he
was
joking, it seemed like the sort of thing he would do, but as it turned out he wasn’t. He persuaded my mother to join him for a fish supper on the deck of a large seaside restaurant. All the while I glared at him and glanced brazenly at my watch.

              ‘You’re doing this on purpose aren’t you?’ I asked him as he nibbled on a large chip like it was the last crisp in the bag.

              He grinned. ‘Just a bit, yes,’

              I groaned and threw my hands up. ‘This is so unfair!’

              ‘Life is unfair kiddo,’ he stated.

              ‘But you don’t have to try to make it worse,’ I noted.

              He shrugged and checked his watch. ‘I’m just playing with you son, there’s plenty of time. A couple extra minutes won’t hurt will they?’

              He was wrong. It did matter. Every second that wasn’t spent with Lizzie was agonising, it seemed like a waste.

              ‘You’ve finished now,’ I said, looking at his empty plate. ‘Let’s go.’

              He leant back in his chair. He sighed deeply, rubbed his stomach and then stood. I stood up alongside him, eager and twitchy. He looked at his watch again, opened his mouth laboriously to speak, and then stated: ‘I’m going to the toilet.’

              I threw myself down, frustrated, flustered.

              ‘Your dad is just playing with you,’ my mother said softly, her husband now strolling sedately through the restaurant to find the bathroom. ‘He’s only being like this because it’s affecting you,’ she pondered for a moment. ‘And I think he wants revenge for what you did to his jacket.’

              Another hour drifted by before we were back on the road. I was still angry with my father and he was still mocking me from the driver’s seat, but I also noticed he seemed to be going above the speed limit and getting frustrated whenever someone slowed him down. Consciously or not, he was hurrying for me.

              We were on the road a mere fifteen minutes, less than a third of the way to the caravan park, when we hit heavy traffic. Lines of cars, vans and lorries sat end to end up to the fog infested horizon, revving impatiently in their own allotted slice of motorway.

              ‘No,’ I said nervously, peering through the middle of my parents and out of the windscreen. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’