An Ever Fixéd Mark (11 page)

“Sounds good,” the strain returned to his
face. “Listen, I have to get to an appointment. I’ll see you on
Friday.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie nodded and put her earphones
in to stop herself from lunging at him. She picked up her feet and
ran back to the train. She was elated and confused. She didn’t
understand his restraint. There was honesty in his reaction. She
knew in spite of whatever he was hiding, he was happy to see
her.

*****

Lizzie decided on jeans and a sleeveless
shirt. She told herself she wouldn’t care so much, but she changed
her outfit several times and would have continued to be indecisive
if the doorbell didn’t ring. She let Meg answer it, knowing she was
eager to meet the guy who made Lizzie blush. Lizzie didn’t tell Meg
or Nora about Ben’s mysterious behavior, but figured the
observation of one of them might help with some perspective.

“Hi Ben,” Lizzie came into the living
room.

“Hi,” Ben turned around and grinned at her.
Lizzie saw Meg’s nod of approval over his shoulder and rested her
gaze on Ben’s friendly eyes.

“You’ve met Meg,” Lizzie felt her whole body
lighten.

“She was just telling me about her thesis,”
Ben made a strange smile. Lizzie couldn’t tell if it was amusement,
approval, or the attempt to curb himself from laughing outright.
Lizzie noticed all the books spread on the table and realized how
the topic probably came up.

“He actually recommended a couple books I
have never heard of,” Meg explained her enthusiasm.

“That’s impressive,” Lizzie warmed at the
fact that he was in her living room, talking with her best friend,
and still looking at her with admiration. “I didn’t know you were a
fan of gothic literature.”

“I’ve had time to read a few genres.”

“Really?” Lizzie was surprised to hear a man
who built and managed his own company spent time reading
literature.

“Yes,” Ben came to her side and touched her
elbow. “We should probably get going. Meg, it was wonderful to meet
you.”

“The same,” Meg looked at Lizzie one more
time before they went down the stairs.

Lizzie let him open the car door for her.
Normally she hated that gesture. It was too old fashioned. With Ben
it seemed charming, not patronizing. She watched him sit beside
her. He looked tired. His skin was paler, making the freckles more
pronounced under his eyes. He turned those eyes to her as he
fastened his seat belt. The gray seemed to overtake the green. He
looked… nervous. Lizzie knew she should say something, anything to
start the conversation and stifle the oppressive silence that had
overtaken the car. “Weather’s nice, huh?”

“It is a nice night.”

“The moon is supposed to be full, I think,”
Lizzie felt like a dork. Was she trying to sound too desperate for
a story out of a romance novel?

“It’s the perfect temperature. Not too warm,
not too cold,” he started the ignition.

“The way May is supposed to be.”

“I don’t expect anything of May weather.
It’s always different. Sometimes hot. It’s even snowed.”

Lizzie tried to remember a May when it
snowed. “Well, I brought a sweater just in case,” she was impatient
with herself for her lame conversation.

“So, you’ve been to a lot of Jack’s
gigs?”

“Yeah. I don’t know if you remember the band
he tried to start in high school. Most of those guys moved away
after college. Just Mike…” Lizzie paused, wondering if Ben
remembered Mike from his friendship with Oliver. She didn’t want to
remind him or remind herself of the conversation on the back deck
of Jen and Jack’s house. Or the wordless fifteen minutes after. She
wasn’t sure how much of her history she should reveal at this
point, if ever. “Mike’s the drummer. Anyway, after Jack and Jen had
Zach, they got serious and recruited some other musicians. They’ve
been together for about ten years. I think they are pretty decent,
even if I’m family. “

“It’s good to see he is still devoted to it.
I remember his love of guitar back in high school.”

“Yeah. Jen really supports him. Have you met
his wife?”

“No.”

“They got married real young,” Lizzie knew
she was talking a lot, but couldn’t think how else to fill the
silence. “They thought she was pregnant. She was. She lost it, but
they were engaged and decided to elope anyway. Two years later,
they had Zach. They have a daughter, Izzie, who is three.”

“Sounds like a happy family.”

“You know, I think they are soul mates. They
were probably married in their last life, too.”

“You believe in that stuff?
Reincarnation?”

“I think so. I mean… I really don’t KNOW. I
don’t necessarily know that any of it is THE answer. But, yeah,
it’s nice to think we come back here eventually. I would like to
see another century. See what new gadgets teenagers have two
hundred years from now,” Lizzie laughed at herself.

“But you wouldn’t be you?”

“I don’t know how it works, Ben. You
probably think it’s all… silly.”

“I like what you said about not knowing THE
answer.”

“So you’re not an atheist?”

“Did you think I was an atheist?”

“I guess I did. Are you?”

“No.”

“Hm,” Lizzie looked to the cars they passed
on the Pike.

“You were pretty religious in high school,”
Ben commented.

“I was a good little Catholic girl from a
small town,” Lizzie kept looking at the blurred cars. “I am
definitely not that now.”

“You live in a suburb.”

“I’m no longer Catholic… and I’m definitely
not good.”

“You’re good.”

“I don’t think we’d be in this car right now
if either one of us thought I was good.”

Ben pursed his lips together and tightened
his grip on the steering wheel. Lizzie knew she hit some sort of
nerve. She couldn’t tell if it was his sin or hers that caused his
immediate tensing. He took a deep breath and relaxed his arms. “Do
you really think that makes you a bad person?”

“Well…” Lizzie faded her voice. If he did
have a wife or girlfriend, obviously what they did together did
make her a bad person. She still wasn’t ready to ask him that
question. “Sometimes it does.”

“To do something that makes you feel
good?”

“It’s not the physical act,” Lizzie argued.
She couldn’t believe the conversation about weather shifted to sex
before they got beyond 495. “But the motivation.”

“The motivation?” he glanced at her.

“I slept with Mike – Jack’s drummer.” Lizzie
spoke before stopping her whim for honesty. “He has a girlfriend. I
knew that. But I went ahead and slept with him because he wanted
me. Because it felt good knowing he would choose me when he had
someone else. Because for so much of my life I didn’t feel wanted.
I don’t love Mike. I didn’t do it out of love. I did it to make
myself feel good for five minutes. It was stupid. It was cruel. And
it was not good.”

Ben took in a breath. He clearly didn’t know
what to say. He was stuck in the car with her, on the Mass
Turnpike, with very little option to turn around and drive her back
home. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, Elizabeth.”

“Yes, it does,” Lizzie looked down. She was
doing a great job towards retaining his interest and sympathy.
“That isn’t my only indiscretion. There have been a lot of
indiscretions…” Lizzie faded off and found a question forming in
her mind. Maybe she would ask it to cut to the chase and end it
before her hopes got the better of her. “You know that I’m
promiscuous. Is that why you are here?”

“What?” Ben shook his head as he switched
lanes.

“Are you just taking me out tonight so you
can get laid?”

“Well, I’m not going to deny that I have
hopes for the end of this evening. I enjoy being with you,
Elizabeth. In your bed. And sitting in this car right now. I …” he
faded his conversation off to another gaze. “I think you are
beautiful and funny and smart. I think you are good. We all make
mistakes. We all do things to hurt other people – most often
because we feel hurt. I certainly can’t point my finger at you. I
don’t think less of you for what you’ve done. I don’t think any
less of your ultimate goodness. You spend every day helping to
raise money for a hospital. You are a devoted friend. You show
appreciation to those who help you... and you obviously care enough
to let it bother you enough to confess it to me.”

Lizzie looked at Ben, who kept his gaze at
the left lane of the highway. She felt the anger and apprehension
she had about his character dissolve. “You really think I’m
good?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Even when half of the time we’ve spent
together has been in a bedroom?” Lizzie couldn’t believe she said
it.

“You are good in the bedroom,” he turned his
attention away from the road long enough to smile. Lizzie met his
smile and breathed in deeply and confidently. He looked back to the
road, still grinning mischievously.

She let silence slip into the car between
the next two exits. It wasn’t that uncomfortable silence of
uncertainty. It was a mutual comfort with one another’s company.
Like she had known him for a long time and such silences were
perfectly acceptable parts of the routine. She had known him for a
long while, much longer than she knew Nora and Meg. And yet there
was still so much mystery.

“I don’t remember you being an athlete,” she
broke the silence after fifteen minutes. Her thoughts didn’t
venture far from his last comment.

“In high school? I wasn’t,” he laughed.

“But… you look like an athlete. Even in the
yearbook pictures, you have the same… well I didn’t really notice
it then. But…”

“You were looking at our yearbook?”

“A few months back – at Sara’s… she had an
awful spiral perm. I was really unattractive,” Lizzie wanted to eat
her words again, wondering if she hit a sore spot with mention of
Sara.

“You weren’t unattractive,” he answered
without a pause at Sara’s name.

“Your hair was longer… but not much else,”
Lizzie looked at him without fear. “But I don’t remember you being
athletic.”

“I told you, I wasn’t.”

“Then where does the muscle come from? Heavy
duty mouse clicking?”

“We did a lot of work around the house back
then. I guess that’s…” he let his eyes look at her and then back to
the road. “Now I go to the gym.”

“That’s not fair. I work so hard to …”

“Females have to work harder.”

“I know a few men who would hate you,
too.”

“They probably have a better appreciation
for beer than I do,” Ben started switching lanes towards the exit.
“You don’t hate me?”

“I’ve thought about it,” Lizzie said
lightly, albeit very honestly.

“You like running though,” he showed a
little confusion.

“I do. It took me a while, but once I
discovered that runner’s high, it got a whole lot easier to drag
myself out of bed every morning.”

“Endorphins,” Ben smiled a different
grin.

“You’re not an athlete and you grin over
endorphins?”

“I wouldn’t know what to do with a baseball
if it was flying straight toward me.”

“Your brother was on the baseball team,
wasn’t he?”

“Oliver?”

“Yeah, I thought I remember that… or maybe
that was someone else’s brother.”

“I don’t think Oliver played sports
either.”

“Too busy working around the house?”

“I guess so. I don’t remember,” he turned
off the ramp onto the main road.

“It’s just after the next light,” Lizzie
offered. “Not a bad place. Pretty decent crowds – and far enough
from the colleges so it isn’t a bunch of frat boys.”

Ben followed her directions and parked the
car in front of the restaurant. Lizzie decided to put her sweater
on when she got out of the car. She felt an arm around her waist
turn her. Ben pulled her close and kissed her suddenly and
passionately. Lizzie had to pull herself back to get some air. “We
have to go in,” she looked away from his eyes so he wouldn’t
continue and tempt her to go back into the car. He slipped his arm
around her back and led her into the restaurant.

*****

“
So what gives, Lizzie?
Are you dating Ben?” Jack muttered the moment Ben got up to buy the
next round.

“I don’t know,” Lizzie saw Ben’s gaze as he
waited for the bartender. “I don’t know what’s happening.”

“He’s cute,” Jen smiled. “Jack said he’s an
engineer or something.”

“Computers,” Lizzie forced herself to look
at Jen.

“Isn’t he the one that followed Sara around
all the time?” Jen asked. “I always imagined some nerdy, scrawny
kid with broken glasses.”

“He wasn’t scrawny. And I think I wore the
broken glasses,” Lizzie laughed. “Besides, everyone liked Sara.
Even this one.”

Jack finished his glass of whiskey. “I was
14 and hormonal.”

“It’s okay, Jack,” Jen laughed. “I liked
Drew Armstrong. He was a beautiful boy, but cocky as shit. Turned
out he was gay.”

“I’ve often wondered if Sara was a repressed
lesbian,” Lizzie said flippantly. “It might explain all the Jesus
love.”

“Don’t give him any ideas, Lizzie. You know
he’s imagining very bad things right now,” Jen laughed.

“It might give you something to look forward
to,” Jack pinched his wife’s side.

“Isn’t your break over?” Jen sniveled and
then kissed him on the lips. Lizzie glanced back up at Ben’s
constant gaze. She felt her own smile creep across her cheeks.

“I’m going to hit the loo before you start,”
Lizzie excused herself, but Jen decided to follow her.

“He is really nice, Lizzie,” Jen stood over
the sink in the bathroom, dodging the crowded line behind them.
“It’s obvious he is really into you.”

“You think?”

“Yeah… you don’t?”

“I… we’ve had a couple great nights. Then
weeks go by without… anything.”