Amish Promises (26 page)

Eve didn't move. Finally, Tim returned to his room.

She stood for a long time, staring at the closed door, her cape still on. She wanted nothing more than to call Charlie and ask him to come get her. She wanted nothing more than to escape with him to a place where she was valued for who she was—not for who she was supposed to be. As unhealthy as the situation had been, she'd felt that during her time in the Englisch world—valued.

As hard as she'd tried all these years, she'd never fit in, let alone belonged. The morning she was baptized she was doing it for Abra, not for God. By that time, she'd come back to him. Felt his grace, as much as was possible. She knew joining the church wouldn't make her relationship with him any better. But she owed it to Abra—after everything that had happened—to remain by her side.

And she wasn't sorry she'd done it.

But she knew no matter how hard she tried, she'd never feel as if she belonged in the Amish world. Not even with Gideon by her side. Especially when she didn't love him.

But she couldn't abandon the children. She wouldn't go back on her word to Abra.

She took off her cape and hung it on the peg.

 25 

W
hen Shani stopped by Monika's the day before the service, the oldest daughter advised her to come to the burial not the actual service. “It will all be in Pennsylvania Dutch,” she said. “And long. Come to the cemetery instead.” She gave Shani directions.

On her way home she stopped by Eve's. She wanted to double-check with her to make sure it was okay if she went to the burial. But Tim was home and came out of the house into the rain without even his hat as she stepped down from the van.

“I don't want you coming around,” he said.

“I have a question for Eve.”

Tim crossed his arms. “She's busy.”

Shani replied. “Then I'll ask you.”

“I won't answer.”

Shani shook her head. The man was a brute. “I'll see you tomorrow,” she said, yanking her door shut. Her stomach lurched as she backed her van around and headed to the lane. The baby must not have liked her rising anxiety, because he hauled off and kicked her, hard.

She turned right at the lane instead of left, figuring she had enough time to get to the grocery store before Zane got home, but as always, it took longer than expected. When she reached the farmhouse she anticipated he'd be down at the creek with the kids, but he wasn't. He was watching
SportsCenter
with Joel.

“How come you're not out with the kids?” Shani asked as she carried in the bags of groceries.

Zane shrugged.

Joel spoke up. “Because Tim met him in the field and told him his kids wouldn't be playing anymore.”

Zane's eyes didn't waver from the TV screen.

“How come Tim's not at work?” Joel asked.

“I don't know,” Shani replied, stepping into the kitchen, her blood pressure rising again.

The next day, at the cemetery, she saw Eve across the gravesite but didn't wave, feeling as if it wouldn't be proper. But she smiled at her friend, and Eve smiled back—until Gideon stepped to her side.

Shani exhaled. It wasn't just Tim who had grown hypercontrolling.

Charlie had called last night, asking if Shani had spoken to Eve. He sounded heartbroken, saying she hadn't called.

After the burial, Monika sought Shani out and gave her a hug. “I don't know what I would have done without you that night—” Jenny, the youngest daughter, joined them, clasping her mother's arm. Shani knew what it was like to have only one parent to cling to.

“You have my number,” Shani said. “Call me. If you need a ride. Or someone to talk to. I'm happy to help.”

After she gave Monika a hug, Shani searched for Eve but she'd disappeared. She'd probably gone back to Monika's house to set up the meal. She didn't see Gideon or Tim either. The children, it seemed, hadn't attended at all.

On her way home, Shani slowed down by the Lehmans' driveway but didn't see anyone. When she arrived home, she found Zane watching an old rerun of
Bonanza
with Joel.

Between work and caring for Joel, Zane, and their home, the days zipped by for her—but Shani couldn't seem to pull all of them out of the funk they were in. Zane was lonely without the children, Shani felt lost without Eve, and Joel's nightmares and generally negative disposition grew worse. The last time Shani had asked him to see the therapist, he'd cursed. When he calmed down, he'd said, “Don't bring it up again. I'm fine.”

Shani felt as if she were holding her breath. She wished she could talk to Eve. Or at least ask her to pray.

Charlie didn't come to visit, not even for Thanksgiving. He called and talked to Joel, saying he'd had dinner at Nikki's that day. Shani got on the phone and told him to get his butt down to Lancaster to see Eve, but Charlie said he still hadn't heard from her. He wasn't going to be one more man in her life trying to control her.

“You're right, but she does need one man in her life who truly loves her.”

He didn't answer for a long awkward moment. Finally he said, “She doesn't want me.”

“So you're going to go back to Nikki?” Shani said. Joel frowned at her.

“No,” Charlie answered. “I told her that we couldn't see each other any longer.”

Shani handed the phone back to Joel without saying good-bye.

The next morning, on the way to the grocery store, she stopped by the Lehmans', but they were all gone. She imagined they were off visiting—probably at Gideon's. Her heart sank as she drove away.

When she returned, Joel said Charlie had called and planned to come down for the afternoon. “Why?” Shani asked.

Joel shrugged. “He misses us, I guess.”

Charlie arrived midafternoon. He sat with Joel and watched college football on TV for over an hour but then asked Zane if he wanted to go outside and toss a ball around. Zane jumped at the chance.

Shani headed into the kitchen to heat up the turkey breast from the day before. She'd thought Joel was going to the bathroom when he headed down the hall, but when she came back out to the living room, Joel sat at the window, the TV off and his .45 in his hand.

“Hey,” she said, walking toward him. “What's going on?”

“I hate this time of day,” he said. Dusk wasn't far away.

“Give me the gun,” she said. “I'll put it away.” She knelt beside his chair. “We're safe here.”

“There's always a threat,” Joel said.

“Joel . . .”

“Leave me alone.”

If they'd had cell service in their hollow of a farm, Shani would have texted Charlie to come in through the back door. But then what? She needed to stay calm.

She followed Joel's gaze outside. Zane caught the ball and then ran with it, back toward Charlie, zigzagging this way and that. Charlie reached over and slapped Zane's shoulders with both hands. Next Zane threw the ball to Charlie.

“I'm no use to any of you,” Joel said. “Not as a husband. Not as a dad. I won't even be able to carry the baby when he's born. You'd be better off without me.”

“Stop,” she said, reaching for his free hand. He jerked it away. Back when he was in the hospital, she'd succeeded at quieting his suspicions about her and Charlie. But there was no proving him wrong in his recognition that Zane and Charlie had become close. It was totally appropriate—but it was still hurtful. Maybe she should have intervened—asked Charlie to be careful not to make it so obvious.

“We love you.” She pulled herself up from the floor, using the arm of his chair. “And you are getting better. You'll be out of the cast soon and back in rehab. This is just a setback.” Somehow she had to get him to agree to mental health help too.

She started to wheel the chair away from the window.

“I want to stay,” he said.

“But why sit here and watch if it makes you feel worse?” She kept her eyes on the gun as she spoke.

“Leave me alone,” he snapped.

“I'm going to go get Charlie,” she said, starting toward the door.

“Don't.” The gun was still in his lap. He sighed. “We need to figure out how to get through life without Charlie.”

Her eyebrows, involuntarily, shot up. “Then give me the gun.”

He shook his head. “Just let me hold it. I'm not hurting anyone.”

“I'm going to go check on the turkey,” Shani said, walking slowly into the kitchen. She passed the oven and opened the back door as quietly as she could, hurrying down the steps and motioning to Charlie. She was confident Joel wouldn't use the gun on any of them—but she wasn't positive he wouldn't use it on himself.

She put her finger to her lips, hoping it wouldn't be obvious to Joel that she'd called them in, but both Charlie and Zane looked straight at her.

“Shani!” Joel yelled. He must have caught on to what she was doing.

She hurried back up the steps. “I'll be right there,” she called back to him.

Zane came up behind her first. “Wait a minute,” she whispered to him, catching his arm. She whispered to Charlie what was going on.

He nodded and said, “I'll go talk to him.”

“Stay in the kitchen with me,” Shani said to Zane. “Wash up and set the table.”

At first the voices coming from the living room were soft murmurs, but then Joel's voice grew louder. “We don't need you to keep coming here anymore.”

Zane's eyes grew wide.

Shani put her hand on his shoulder. “It'll be all right.” She hoped she wasn't lying.

Charlie's voice stayed calm. “I'll be on my way after dinner. How's that?”

“But you'll be back. You and Shani treat me as if I can't do a thing by myself. And the thing is—you're right. I can't do anything without one of you.”

“Your leg is healing, Joel. You'll be walking soon and out playing football in no time.”

“Who are you kidding? I'll never play football like I used to.”

“No, but you should be able to play. With Zane. And your new son.”

Joel grunted. Shani stepped to the doorway of the kitchen. Joel stayed at the window, but Charlie sat down on the couch.

She shot him a questioning look. He shrugged.

When it was time to eat, Joel said he wasn't hungry. Shani asked Charlie to fill his plate and eat in the living room while she and Zane ate in the kitchen. The reheated turkey was dry, and the stuffing was still mushy. No wonder Joel didn't want to eat.

When Charlie came in with his empty plate, Shani sent Zane upstairs and then asked what they should do. “Call the police?” she asked.

He shook his head. “That will only make things worse. Let's wait until he gives it up or falls asleep. I'll take it home with me.” Charlie ran his hand through his hair. “He obviously needs some help.”

Shani nodded.

Charlie headed back to the living room, and Shani went as far as the doorway again. Joel had his head turned toward them, a pained expression on his face. Charlie settled back on the couch and Shani headed up the stairs to Zane. Maybe he was faking it, but he appeared to be asleep.

Shani returned to the kitchen, cleaned up, and then sat at the table, waiting. For once she wished she knitted or crocheted.