American Thighs (23 page)

Y
ou should know: The food in all my books, this one included, IS POISON. IF you eat it all the time, you WILL die and you will die with a HUGE ass; however, that being said, it is, in my opinion, excellent for your disposition, which does count for a lot in this life. And so, here are a few more menu items to cheer you along on those days when you just feel the need for a Little Something—or a Lot. Some are more poisonous than others, but I believe that they all meet at least our minimal standards for delectable toxicity.

Queen of the Night Salsa 2.0

T
his is a jazzed-up version of an earlier recipe from our Precious Darlin' George. He is ever seeking new and more delicious ways to please us and we adore him for this and other reasons.

 

MIX ALL THIS
stuff together—1 15-ounce can drained and rinsed black beans, 1 11-ounce can Niblets corn, 1 small can chopped green chilis, 1 small can chopped black olives, 2 to 3 chopped fresh tomatoes, at least 8 ounces shredded Monterey Jack, 1 bunch chopped green onions, some cilantro (fresh or dried, to taste), 1/2 teaspoon chili powder, 1/2 teaspoon cumin, 1/2 to 3/4 of a 16-ounce bottle of Wishbone Robusto Italian dressing, and a whole big lot of chopped-up bacon. Obviously, the more bacon, the better—duh.

Chill all that overnight in the refrigerator and then eat it all at one sitting the next day with Fritos.

Don't Ask Me Again for the Pineapple Vodka Recipe

T
his recipe has circulated around the Queendom for a year or so now, and for some reason, nobody can ever hold on to it, and so when they get to craving it, e-mails fly about the country
wildly until somebody can find it again. SO HERE IT IS—put this book in a safe place. You'll prolly be thirsty after eating all those Fritos with the Queen of the Night Salsa 2.0—so make this in advance—you'll be sooo glad you did.

 

GET
8
OR
10 (20-ounce) cans of pineapple rings packed in JUICE—do NOT get the kind packed in syrup. Drain the juice off as much as you can—you don't have to, like, blot the pineapple or anything—don't try to complicate this—it's easy. Dump the drained pineapple into a great big container and pour a liter of GOOD vodka over it. Put the lid on the jar or bowl and put it in the refrigerator and let it sit there—LET IT SIT THERE—for one week. One week is 7 days—so after 7 days have come and gone—then you may drain off your vodka and get reeeally happy. Just shake it with ice and pour it into your chilled martini glass and mmmmmm.

Don't obsess over the size of the cans or anything else. Just as long as you get a whole lot of pineapple in the vodka and let it sit and soak, it'll be fine. This is not one of your real technical recipes—it really is as simple as it sounds—so just do it.

Some people freeze the pineapple rings and then put them in Sierra Mist—which sounds delightful to me. Some people figger the pineapple has done its job and they just throw it away. I'm thinking a vodka-soaked pineapple ring is a handy thing to have in the freezer—bound to come in handy.

Sweet Scott's Great Nasty Recipe

S
cott Caples is one of our newest Spud Studs and we do love him a LOT. He comes to every one of my book signings within two hundred miles of him and he brings divine deviled eggs and all manner of other tasty morsels—to soothe me in my travels. He is also really cute, a very snappy dresser with impeccable manners, and he comes to the Parade now—so y'all can meet him when you come to Jackson—one more reason why you need to come.

Scott sent me this SHOCKINGLY trashy recipe and it's just so good, I knew y'all would love it, too. This is one of those that is just SO BAD—you'll prolly want to lie and say you would never make such a thing. That's what I do—and that way I don't have to share it with anybody.

 

BROWN A POUND
of ground beef—maybe drain off some of the grease if it's, like, swimming—totally your call—and then add 2 tablespoons minced onion and cook it for a minute. In a Pam'd casserole dish, combine half the meat with a can of cream of chicken soup, then add the rest of the meat and top that with a can of Cheddar cheese soup. Cover all that wondrous glop with 2 cups of shredded VELVEETA, and on top of THAT put 20 or so TATER TOTS, and bake it all at 350°F for about an hour.

Is that disgusting or WHAT? You will feel so guilty eating it,
I know, but hey, life is short. Actually, it will be a whole lot shorter if you eat this crap very often—but every once in a while, I think we deserve to eat something really revolting yet yummy.

Health-Nut Family's Famous Fried Apples

Q
ueen Susie, who sent me this recipe, seems to me to be clearly a full-fledged tree-hugging, patchouli-wearing health-food fanatic. Here's the way she concocts a typical meal: she slices Jonathan apples very thin—without even peeling them first—and she cuts a whole lot of hickory-smoked bacon into little bitty bits. Then she fries the bacon bits until they're almost done, and at that point she dumps in all the unpeeled apple slices and puts a lid on the skillet for a little while.

When the apples are cooked almost clear, she dumps in a “cloud” of white sugar. (I'm thinking dark brown might be even better, what do you think?) She stirs that around a little and covers it again and cooks it until the apples start to look like candy.

Then she says—and I quote, “Serve as a meal with warm bread—we use whole wheat or multigrain because we watch our health.” I love her.

Little Larva's Homicidal Maniac and Cheese

T
hat cute little baby girl Alexis sent me this recipe with the caveat that it is a double-sided funeral food: eat enough of it at a funeral and the next funeral can be your own. Worth it, though.

 

COOK A COUPLE
of pounds of macaroni and just hang on—we'll get back to it in a minute. Fry a whole lot of thick-sliced bacon—you'll need at least a half dozen slices for this recipe, so however much more than that you need to fry in order to end up with 6 slices after you've stuffed yourself—cook that much.

Then melt 1/2 stick butter and 2 cups Gruyère cheese in 11/2 cups milk. Now dump your cooked macaroni into your Crock-Pot®—ooooh, I love my Crock-Pot®—and pour in a can of Cheddar cheese soup, 3 cups grated extra-sharp Cheddar cheese, 1 teaspoon dry mustard, and 1 cup sour cream. Then add the milk/butter/Gruyère stuff and stir it all up together and crumble up all the bacon in it, too. Turn the pot on low for about 3 hours—you can use that time to set your affairs in order, write your will, lay out your burial clothes, etc. Then eat up! I'm so proud of Alexis, I could just weep.

Suculentos Platos de Carne de Vacuno de Mi Próximo Marido (Succulent Beef Dish of My Next Husband)

I
f The Cutest Boy in the World ever runs off with a blackjack dealer, I've got my next husband all picked out. His name is Robert St. John and he is THE most wonderful and adorable chef—and he has created, in my opinion, THE WORLD'S BEST POT ROAST, resulting in my falling hopelessly in love with him, or at least his pot roast. He does himself currently HAVE a wife, whom he seems excessively fond of—so that could be problematic, but I'll worry about that later, right now I'm pretty focused on his pot roast. (However, regarding that Mrs., it's handy that her name is also JILL—so I think it will be a plus for him that he won't have to learn a new name. He'll just have to adjust to “Jill” being a big hungry hulk instead of a really cute blonde. I'm sure with time, he'll adjust.) You might think me shallow for being willing to marry a man for a tasty pot roast. Trust me, I've done a lot more for a lot less.

Robert's original recipe is in one of his MANY outstanding cookbooks—
DEEP SOUTH STAPLES: or How to Survive in a Southern Kitchen without a Can of Cream of Mushroom Soup
—I am giving it to you here with the slight modifications that I have made to it on account of he cooks his in an actual oven and I cook mine—you know—in my CROCK-POT®—because I just loooove
my Crock-Pot®. I swear, it's like somebody else cooked—you just come home and a miracle has happened in your kitchen. I love it!

Anyway, the recipe calls for a 21/2-to 3-pound shoulder roast. I have found that I can do TWO in my big-ass Crock-Pot® at the SAME TIME—which either serves a crowd OR (my favorite thing) makes for MASSIVE leftovers. Whether you do one or two roasts, the rest of the recipe is the same—you don't have to double anything—it makes a boatload of gravy with just the single recipe's ingredients.

 

HERE'S ALL YOU
do: Heat 1/4 cup of either bacon grease or canola oil in a heavy skillet. Season the roast(s) with kosher salt, black pepper, and Robert's own Steak Seasoning (available at rob ertsjohn.com). (I have a sensitivity to black pepper—so all I use is the kosher salt, garlic powder, and onion powder.) Brown the roast(s) on all sides and put them in the Crock-Pot®.

Then lower the heat on the skillet and put in 1/4 cup olive oil and 1/2 cup flour—to make a peanut butter–colored roux. Add 2 cups diced onion (I just use a bag of frozen chopped onions—works perfectly) and 1/4 teaspoon thyme, and cook for about 4 to 5 minutes. Then add 3 cups hot beef broth, 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1 teaspoon black pepper. (I don't use the pepper.) Stir all that until it's smooth (except for the onion bits, obviously) and pour it over the roast(s). Cook it on low for 10 hours or so.

After it's been cooking just a very short time, the house will smell so good, you will think you will DIE if you don't get to eat that sucker NOW. By the time it's done, everyone will be WEEPING with anticipation—and then joy at first bite. I will eat this, gravy and all, completely cold out of the refrigerator the next morning, too. It's THAT good.

My Next Husband's Grilled Sweet Potatoes

I
n yet ANOTHER of my next husband's outstanding cookbooks, this one entitled
New South Grilling
(see the link to all things Robert St. John on my FRIENDS page at www.sweetpotatoqueens.com), he has come up with a most Queenly Sweet Potato recipe. I'm going to try to get him to come to the Parade and cook some for us. He has applied for Spud Studship and we have granted him an Apprenticeship, and we have also asked his Jill to join us as an O-fficial Wannabe. Their first duty in our service will be to feed us—pretty slick, huh?

 

FIRST, YOU PEEL
4 sweet potatoes and cut them into 1/2-inch slices. Mix together 1/2 cup soft unsalted butter, 2 tablespoons dark brown sugar, 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon, and 1 teaspoon hot sauce. (Robert makes some EXCELLENT hot sauces—I use only his.) Put the tater slices on a cookie sheet and brush them
with the butter stuff. Then put them on the grill (direct medium heat), buttered side down. Brush the tops with more butter and cook them for 12 to 15 minutes, turning once during that time. When they are fork-tender, take them off the grill, brush any remaining butter on them, and sprinkle them with kosher salt and black pepper (if you like it).

If there are any additional diners—other than yourownself, I mean—you prolly shoulda cooked more than 4. You'll have eaten those before you get them to the table.

Martha Jean's By-Gawd Apple Enchiladas

M
artha Jean is from Booneville, Mississippi, and that puts her several cuts above just about everybody—especially anybody from, say, Guntown or Baldwyn. She also loves Jesus, though she does take a drink—now and then—which when you actually think about it means ALL THE TIME, and that's just not so. Booneville is not, after all, the Delta. Martha Jean is a By-Gawd Southern Cook, and many of us in the Queendom have been the regular recipients of her famous jams and jellies. Her friend Robin also brought me some jelly once—not only was it not ho-made, it was not even a name brand—I still have it, naturally—it was a GIFT, after all, and I think of Robin every time I see that discount-store jar of grape jelly.

Here is a dessert Martha Jean was known for—until she
went off and joined the Pilates Cult and became a stick. We are praying for her deprogramming.

 

TAKE ABOUT
6 to 8 flour tortillas and roll them up with some apple pie filling. Put them in a baking pan, seam side down, and sprinkle them with a bunch of cinnamon. Melt together 1/2 cup butter, 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup dark brown sugar, and 1/2 cup water. Bring that to a boil and then let it simmer for about 3 minutes, then pour it over your enchiladas and let it sit for about 30 minutes. Then bake it at 350°F for about 20 minutes and serve immediately with 'niller ice cream.

When Martha Jean gets rescued from the Pilates, maybe we can get her to make us some. It's what we're living for.

All the Good Cooks Have Moved to West Point, Georgia

As I mentioned elsewhere in this book, I have been to West Point, Georgia, several times and I intend to go back—soon and often—and I recommend you put it on your travel list as well—for the FOOD. When you get to town, go directly to the Heart of the South Tea Room and get you some fried black-eyed peas on account of you cannot get them anyplace else—ON EARTH—and that right there is reason enough to go. It's fun to eat them and try to figure out how the hell they make 'em—and trust me, they will NOT tell you!

If you're an author, get the local library to have a book signing for you because the whole town will come and they will bring food for days. This has become my favorite stop on my book tour for obvious reasons.

You might get some of MICHAEL'S MAGICAL SWEET POTATO MUFFINS, but in case you don't rate that high (boohoo for you!)—here's how to make 'em:

Michael's Magical Sweet Potato Muffins