Read American Freak Show Online
Authors: Willie Geist
American Freak Show (8 page)
T
he federal corruption trial of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich will be remembered best, perhaps, for the defendant’s rollicking courtroom performance of Elvis Presley’s “Return to Sender” during his closing argument, after which Mr. Blagojevich memorably pointed to the jury and shouted, “I dare you to convict the King!” In another attempt to win over the 12 people who would decide his legal fate, the defendant later brandished a pressurized T-shirt gun and attempted to fire
FREE BLAGO!
shirts into the jury box. A bailiff tackled him before he could get off a shot. After the incident, Mr. Blagojevich was forced to wear a Hannibal Lecter–like restraint for the remainder of the trial.
The outbursts only served to underscore the circuslike nature of the proceedings inside the United States District Court in Chicago. The tone for the trial was set early on by the release of a series of transcripts of the FBI’s months-long wiretap surveillance of a telephone belonging to Mr. Blagojevich. Although the recorded calls were, in most cases, not relevant to the charges at hand, attorneys for the former governor said after the trial that the pattern of behavior they revealed proved “not helpful” to their defense.
Herewith are selected transcripts of FBI intercepts of telephone communications between Mr. Rod Blagojevich and a number of persons who, it must be pointed out, have not been charged with any criminal wrongdoing.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
JULY 17, 2008
SPEAKERS:
BLAGO:
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich
BOBBY:
Robert Simmons, Little Caesars Pizza employee
BLAGO:
Look, Bobby, we can work something out here. I’m sure you don’t want to be working behind that counter and wearing that f**kin’ headset forever.
BOBBY:
Sir, I have to charge you for the Crazy Bread. I’d be happy to give you some of our signature Crazy Sauce compliments of the house.
BLAGO:
How’d you like to run the Chicago Department of Sanitation? That’s one phone call, Bobby. Just throw in the goddamned Crazy Bread. Do the right thing here, kid.
BOBBY:
The Department of Sanitation? I’m not sure who this is, but I really can’t give out the Crazy Bread for free. I have other customers waiting, sir. Do you want the pizza or not?
BLAGO:
This is your motherf**kin’ governor, you smarmy little c***sucker. Do you have any idea who you’re f**kin’ with here? You’re in way over your f**kin’ head. How’d you like to have the National Guard kickin’ down your f**kin’ door tonight, you little f**k? That can happen, too.
BOBBY:
So should I cancel the order of Crazy Bread, sir? Just the large Hula Hawaiian pizza then?
BLAGO:
F**k you! Just send over the motherf**kin’ pizza. You made a big mistake here today, Bobby.
BOBBY:
OK, sir. Your total is $15.99. We’ll see you in about 30 minutes.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
SEPTEMBER 14, 2008
SPEAKERS:
BLAGO:
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich
JANICE:
Janice St. Jean, Home Shopping Network operator
BLAGO:
Well, Janice, that’s a shame because I gotta tell you I really had my heart set on those bed linens from the Priscilla Presley Collection. You seem like an awfully sweet gal—maybe there’s an arrangement to be made here.
JANICE:
I’m not sure I understand. As I said, we’re completely out of stock on the Priscilla Presley Collection. That’s been a big seller for us. Could I suggest some ballerina flats from Isaac Mizrahi’s new line, exclusive to us here at HSN?
BLAGO:
Janice, it’s just your luck you answered a call from a guy who’s not gonna take no for an answer. [Laughter from BLAGO.] You’ve got something I want. Perhaps I have something you want, too.
JANICE:
What? Sir, I . . .
BLAGO:
I’ll just lay it out for you, Janice: my state lottery commissioner is a piece of sh*t. That stays between you, me, and the wall, but it’s the f**kin’ truth. How’d you like to run the Illinois state lottery, effective immediately? Do you really think anyone notices when a couple of bucks go missing from that giant lottery pot? Trust me, Janice: I’m not looking. [More laughter from BLAGO.]
JANICE:
Who is this? What’s happening? I should probably terminate this call. . . .
BLAGO:
Okay, I get it—you’d rather answer the f**king phone at the Home Shopping Network than hold a powerful government position. Well, I’m gonna spell this out real nice and simple for ya, Janice: if I don’t have the f**kin’ Priscilla Presley pillow shams by the end of this motherf**kin’ phone call, we’re gonna have a problem that goes way above your f**kin’ pay grade. You got me?
JANICE:
Sir, I’m sorry you’re upset, but we do not tolerate that kind of verbal abuse from customers. I’m going to hang up—
BLAGO:
F**k you, Janice! And tell that f**kin’ queer Mizrahi not to float away in those f**kin’ ballerina flats!
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
OCTOBER 21, 2008
SPEAKERS:
BLAGO:
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich
ROB:
Rob Blagojevich, the governor’s brother and chairman of Friends of Blagojevich
BLAGO:
It looks like Obama’s gonna win this f**kin’ thing. You believe that sh*t? What a f**kin’ joke. That should have been me, Rob. That should have been me. F**k me in the hairy Serbian ass!
ROB:
That guy is a motherf**kin’ clown. We wouldn’t have taken a meeting with him a couple years ago and now he’s gonna be f**kin’ president of the United States? Go f**kin’ figure. We’ll run against that f**ker in four years and we’ll beat his ass, too, Rod.
BLAGO:
Hey, Rob, why the f**k did our f**kin’ mom give us names only one letter off from each other? It’s a f**kin’ pain in the ass. I never know if you’re asking me a f**kin’ question or just talkin’ to your f**kin’ self again. [Laughter from BLAGO and ROB.] And it’s gonna be a hell of a f**kin’ kick in the balls to the FBI if they ever have to transcribe a wiretap call between us! [Laughter from BLAGO.] A f**kin’ “Who’s on First” routine over here! [Laughter from ROB.] Can you imagine that sh*t?
ROB:
[Laughter from ROB.] Lucky for us, those douche bag feds are too f**kin’ dumb to catch on . . . Rod.
BLAGO:
[Hysterical laughter from BLAGO.] Wait, wait, get your pencils ready, sh*t-for-brains FBI—did you say “Rod”? Or “Rob”? [Laughter from BLAGO and ROB.] Oh, this is great sh*t, bro. How great would it be if they really were listening to this sh*t? Too f**kin’ bad.
ROB:
[More laughter from BLAGO and ROB.] So when Obama or Osama or whatever the f**k his name is gets elected, what are we gonna get for his f**kin’ Senate seat? I want a f**kin’ pontoon boat, Rod. I really want one of those motherf**kers. Ever partied on a pontoon boat? It’s like you’re floating on the f**kin’ water!
BLAGO:
Way ahead of you. I threw that motherf**ker’s seat on Craigslist weeks ago just to get a feel for the demand. Let me tell you, this thing is f**kin’ golden.
ROB:
F**k yeah! This is like f**kin’ Christmas!
BLAGO:
I might give that sh*t to Oprah! Who the f**k has more money than that b*tch?! Look what she did for that chubby little no-talent Rachael Ray. Hey, Oprah: how about a f**kin’ talk show for Rockin’ Rod over here?! [
Conversation interrupted by the apparent sound of running water.
]
ROB:
Are you taking a piss, Rod?
BLAGO:
Yeah, sorry, dude. [
The toilet flushes.
BLAGO
fart, groan, and unintelligible comment.
]
ROB:
Jesus Christ, man.
BLAGO:
[BLAGO
fart again.
] Somebody stepped on a duck in here, Rob. Classic Dangerfield line, right?
ROB:
[Laughter from ROB.] F**kin’ classic.
BLAGO:
So let’s work up a list of sh*t we want and then get it out to the right people on this thing right away.
ROB:
Yep.
BLAGO:
So far I’ve offered the seat to that a**hole who runs the steakhouse we like over on Rush Street. Can you say “garlic mashed potatoes for life”? He’d owe us big time.
ROB:
He’d be f**kin’ great, and so would those f**kin’ mashed potatoes.
BLAGO:
And Patti’s been buggin’ me to get her a Sebring forever, so I offered it to some c***sucker over at the Chrysler dealership in Schaumburg. You shoulda seen the look on this f**kin’ guy’s face when I asked him if he wanted to be a United States senator. He gave us a loaner while he sleeps on it. That Sebring is surprisingly roomy for a convertible, by the way.
ROB:
Yeah, they’re f**kin’ nice.
BLAGO:
And then, let’s see—oh, I offered the seat to the Milwaukee Bucks for Michael Redd and a first-round draft pick. That f**kin’ kid can shoot and God knows the horsesh*t Bulls could use him.
ROB:
F**kin’ golden, Hot Rod! But tell the Bucks to throw in a pontoon boat, those cheap f**ks.
[BLAGO
speaks away from the receiver to an unidentified woman.
]
BLAGO:
What’s that, honey? Oh, okay. [BLAGO
speaks into the receiver again.
] Yeah, Rob, that’s Patti, she’s got a real quick message for you: go f**k yourself, you big, dumb f**kin’ oaf.
ROB:
[laughing] I’d tell her to go f**k herself, but knowing your complete f**kin’ impotence, I have a feeling she’s already doing plenty of that, you dumb f**ks.
BLAGO:
[laughing] Ah, f**k you. All right, gotta run, Rob. I’ll let you know what I hear.
ROB:
Sounds good, Rod. F**k you.
BLAGO:
OK, f**k you, too, buddy.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
DECEMBER 8, 2008
SPEAKERS:
BLAGO:
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich
WRONG NUMBER:
Unknown female caller
BLAGO:
This is Rod.
WRONG NUMBER:
Um, is Cheryl there?
BLAGO:
Who the f**k is Cheryl?
WRONG NUMBER:
I’m sorry. I think I have the wrong number.
BLAGO:
I think you do. Call here again and a wrong number will be the least of your f**kin’ problems.
WRONG NUMBER:
Good-bye.
BLAGO:
Wait, how’d you like to be the next senator from the great state of Illinois?
[
Dial tone.
]
BLAGO:
F**k you.
TRUE STORY . . .
WHEN A MAN MEETS A COIN-OPERATED VACUUM . . .
Area man caught having sex with car wash vacuum
Far be it from me to judge the sexual eccentricities of another man, but from where I’m sitting, screwing a coin-operated car wash vacuum cleaner seems a bit, well, desperate. A 29-year-old man was arrested in Thomas Township, Michigan, after police received a call reporting “suspicious activity” at the Marathon Fill and Wash.
The responding officer wisely parked his cruiser a safe distance from an automobile that had the hose from a humming stationary vacuum cleaner snaked into the driver’s side window. Approaching on foot, the officer immediately upgraded the activity he observed from “suspicious” to the more specific law enforcement term “Jesus Christ, man! What the f**k are you doing?”
The suspect had his pants down, guiding the industrial-strength vacuum hose toward his crotch with one hand and holding a roll of quarters in the other. One assumes Whitesnake was playing on the radio. Without even a hint of the common courtesy to let the man finish the moment of intimacy for which he plainly had paid his good money, the officer moved in for the arrest. Total cock block.
The man pleaded guilty to indecent exposure, which is lawyer speak for “getting a hummer from a public vacuum cleaner.” He was sentenced to 90 days in jail by yet another activist judge imposing his outdated concept of morality from the bench. It turns out, even in the year 2010, institutionalized discrimination is alive and well in the supposed “land of the free.”
LATE TURNOVER SCUTTLES DETAINEES’ COMEBACK BID FOR FREEDOM
ESPN.com wire services
U
.S. NAVAL STATION GUANTÁNAMO BAY, Cuba—For a group of prisoners long in search of justice, there was none on the final drive of Saturday’s decisive game between this detention facility’s enemy combatants and the members of the U.S. Military Police who guard them.
Quarterback and Pakistani militant Muhammad Arsha Raza led the upstart Fightin’ Detainees into scoring position with a dramatic 83-yard drive in the game’s final 1:45 that called to mind the clutch performances of John Elway and Joe Montana, and made some forget for a moment Raza’s foiled plots to attack Western embassies and behead foreign diplomats across the Middle East.
But on the doorstep of a monumental upset, with freedom just three short yards and 19 seconds away, swivel-hipped running back Haji Mohammed Khan, the Afghan fighter accused in a botched attempt to drive a truck full of ammonium nitrate into a library to prevent women and girls from reading, took a handoff from Raza, darted to his left, and, without being hit by a defender, mysteriously lost control of the ball. American MPs pounced, recovering the fumble and sealing a hard-fought 31–28 victory for the Americans.
Many of the enemy combatants collapsed on the field in disbelief as they watched their guards celebrate a United States win whose impact was felt around the globe. A fatwa was issued on Khan effective immediately after the game.
“I never had a good handle on the ball,” said Khan in the losing locker room. “I let my fellow suspected terrorists down. What can you say at a time like this, except, you know, death to America.”
The football game billed as “The Battle on the Bay” drew the eyes of the world after it was announced by the United States Justice Department early this year as the official means by which the fate of prisoners held at U.S. Naval Station Guantánamo Bay would be decided. Attorney General Eric Holder was quoted at the time as saying, “We’ve been going back and forth on what to do with these people for years. To be perfectly honest, we just plumb ran out of ideas. So we’re gonna do this
Longest Yard
–style: inmates versus guards. Detainees win, they’re free to go. Guards win, we hang on to the terrorists for a while. Excuse me, ‘suspected’ terrorists. Whatever.”
Amnesty International and the ACLU, among many other groups, have decried the Justice Department’s decision to settle the hotly debated question of the handling of detainees at Guantánamo Bay with a game of American-style football.
“Are you shitting me?” an ACLU spokesman said last month in a statement. “Many of these victims have been held at Guantánamo for nearly a decade without any charge at all. And now, instead of giving them lawyers, we’re giving them a football game to win their freedom? This is an outrage and yet another blow to America’s reputation around the world.
“At a minimum we would like a more international sport, like soccer, to be used, in the interest of fairness, as the determining competition. Or better yet, buzkashi, the traditional Central Asian game where players on horseback pick up the headless carcass of a goat and carry it across a goal line for points.”
For 60 minutes on this crisp fall Saturday in southeastern Cuba though, none of the arguments made in the ivory towers of American universities, the think tanks of Washington, or the halls of The Hague meant a thing. In between the white lines at Donald H. Rumsfeld Stadium at Gitmo, it was not the Geneva Accords but the law of the jungle that applied. One team fighting for its freedom. The other standing in the way.
The game was pure bloodsport, but it was surrounded by all the dazzling pageantry one would expect from an international spectacle of this magnitude. Burt Reynolds, the star of the original 1974 film
The Longest Yard
, presided over the ceremonial coin toss.
American Idol
’s season-three winner Fantasia Barrino belted out a stirring rendition of the National Anthem just before kickoff. A one-day moratorium on “walling” and waterboarding was called as the naval base at Guantánamo stood still.
The MPs, all of whose names have been redacted from this game summary by the United States Department of Defense, opened the game with a balanced drive, punctuated by a fourteen-yard touchdown pass from quarterback Lt. Col.
to his favorite target, tight end Capt., that gave the MPs an early 7–0 lead. It was a sign of things to come in a dominant first half that saw the Guards take a commanding 21–0 lead into the halftime locker room.
As Toby Keith and the Jonas Brothers performed under a shower of fireworks on the field outside, FOX Sports cameras picked up part of the impassioned speech delivered by head coach Fazel Mazloom, the IED expert known as “Maz-Boom!,” to his dejected Detainees.
“They say you’re ‘the worst of the worst.’ And, you know what, maybe they’re right. Maybe you are the worst. Maybe you don’t deserve to be on the same field as the infidels over in that other locker room. Maybe we oughta just throw up the white flag right now, go back to our cells, and wait to die.
“I’ll go tell the rear admiral over there that we’re quitters. I’ll tell him we’ve had enough. And someday, if we ever get out of here, you can tell your children you didn’t have what it took to stand up to the Great Satan.
“But I’m not ready to do that, goddamn it! And when I make the declaration to damn god, I mean their ‘Christian’ God, obviously! This is a Holy War, gentlemen! A clash of civilizations! This is your one chance to fight back! Let’s get out there and beat these assholes so we can return to our native countries to resume terrorist activities, as opponents of the closing of this detention facility suspect we will! Can I get an ‘Allahu Akbar!’ up in this motherfucker?! Let me hear it! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Let’s go!!!”
Mazloom admitted later that he’d lifted portions of the speech from John Goodman’s address to the Alpha Beta football players in
Revenge of the Nerds
. “How great is that movie?” Mazloom asked a reporter.
The Fightin’ Detainees responded immediately to their coach’s rousing speech, marching down the field on their captors to ring up a quick score right out of the locker room. They were flagged 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct when they pulled out prayer mats and prayed to Mecca in an orchestrated touchdown celebration. Mazloom said later, “I’ll take that penalty. I love the enthusiasm. And so does Allah, by the way.”
After dominating the Detainees in the first half, the Guards’ offense went inexplicably dormant in the game’s second 30 minutes. Quarterback Lt. Col., a high school star from, Alabama, threw for 312 yards and 3 touchdowns, but he also gave up a pair of interceptions to Coach Mazloom’s opportunistic defense. The second came with 5:41 left in the fourth quarter, when his receiver, First Sgt., slipped on a crossing route, allowing ball-hawking Detainee safety and suspect in the kidnapping and torture of the families of Pakistani judges, Zafar Iqbal to step in front and return the pass for an easy touchdown, cutting the Guards’ lead to 31–28. The Americans were stunned.
“and I got crossed up on that play. I probably shouldn’t have thrown it,” Lt. Col.said after the game. “That terrorist dude was in the right place at the right time. Hell, Saddam Hussein could have made that interception, and, as you know, he’s dead.”