Amazing Grace (13 page)

Someone suggests social work and I actually shiver. My experience with social workers makes my stomach knot, but I do see from this vantage point that they were trying to help me. Trouble is, they never looked at it from my point of view. They were bossy strangers who never let me speak, or even if they did, they'd tell me not to worry and that everything would be fine. But I wasn't clueless. I knew I should be worried and that things might not be fine and there's no reassurance strong enough to push those thoughts away. It's difficult to deal with a pissed-off mouthy kid all day, but my being rude and unco-operative was fear manifesting, and not giving me back my cat was unforgivable. I dream about Buddy still. It's not knowing what happened to him that makes me sad. He must have thought I didn't love him anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm working in the library on a paper for the end of term when Aaron happens by and sits opposite me.

“Go away, Aaron. I need to finish this.”

His lip goes down in an exaggerated pout. “Gee, thanks. I guess I'll give you the good news later.” He starts to leave.

“Sit down, you jerk. Just hurry up because I have to finish this.”

“I've solved your problem.”

“I have many. Which one are you referring to?”

“Your lease.”

“I need a really cheap apartment. You know that.”

“This is very cheap. It's at my place. I have a spare bedroom. You can spend the summer there.”

I look up from my paper. “Thanks, but it will ruin our friendship. I'll figure it out.”

He says nothing, so I put down my pen. “You're a very sweet guy and I appreciate your offer, but I don't want to put you out. I need to stand on my own two feet.”

Aaron leans back in his chair. His cheekbones stand out, like he's lost weight.

“Are you eating?”

“Perhaps you could live with me and feed me like a baby bird.”

“Or you could become a fashion model. With cheeks like that you'd make a fortune.”

“Well, don't say I didn't offer.”

“I love you, Aaron. Thank you for even suggesting it.”

He pats my head before he leaves. It's dark by the time I finish my assignment. Even though I won't take up Aaron's offer, it's like a warm piece of coal in my pocket. If things get desperate, he's around. Sometimes that's all a person needs.

A few days after that I'm not feeling very well and one of the girls suggests I go to the clinic to get checked out. It can't hurt, I suppose, but I make sure it's a woman doctor first. Dr. Lang listens to my complaints, my nausea and feelings of fatigue. She listens to my heart and takes my blood pressure and then asks me to lie down on the table. The minute she starts pressing on my stomach, I know. Even before she says she wants a urine sample.

“Is there any chance you could be pregnant? You're practising safe sex, I hope?”

“I'm a fool.”

“Your periods stopped?”

“I guess so. I wasn't paying attention.”

She looks down at me kindly. “Are you not in the habit of taking care of yourself?”

I avert her gaze. “Apparently not.”

“The father is still in the picture?”

“Yes. He'll help me.”

“It's scary, but your body knows what it's doing, as long as you take care of it. No drinking, smoking, or drug use. That's imperative. See me regularly so I can monitor your progress. I'll prescribe some prenatal vitamins.” She takes out her notepad.

I want to die. “This isn't my first baby.”

The sympathy in her eyes goes away. “You have another child?”

“No, I miscarried when I was fifteen.”

“How far along?”

“Three months.”

“Do you have a mom? Or any female relative.”

“No.

Dr. Lang sighs and puts her hand on my shoulder. “I'll help you through this.”

It's worse when people are kind to me.

It takes me a while to find the courage to tell Philip. I'm not so naive that I don't know that this is a potential problem, but I figure he's a lot older than I am and is probably ready to settle down and start a family. This isn't what Aunt Pearl had in mind for me, but I know she'd never throw me on the streets if she knew. Or maybe she would. She'd certainly call me a hippy-dippy; it's like I never look far enough ahead to imagine the consequences of my actions. I've let myself down for sure, and this little baby who terrifies me. It might decide I'm a screwup, too, and leave me like the last one did.

Philip and I are on our usual Tuesday night date. After pizza, we fall into bed and stay there. When he decides he's had enough, he pulls himself up, leans against the headboard, and lights a cigarette. “Want one?” He holds out the cigarette pack.

“No thanks.”

He looks surprised. “Okay then. On a healthy kick are we?”

“Sort of.”

It occurs to me that Philip often smokes so he doesn't have to talk. I'm guilty of that myself, but only with people I don't know. Philip knows me better than anyone.

“I need to talk to you.”

He closes his eyes and inhales. “Sounds serious. Let me enjoy my ciggy.”

I lay back down on the bed for a couple of minutes but he's not in any hurry, which annoys me, and I get out of bed and get dressed.

“I always know when you're pissed off at me,” he chuckles. “You put your clothes back on. So why am I the bad guy now?”

I'm fully dressed before I answer. “I'm pregnant.”

He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and glares at me. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

His anger frightens me a little. “Is this a big surprise? That's what we do. That's all we do. Did it never occur to you that this might happen?”

Philip pounds his cigarette into the ashtray and gets out of bed. “It never occurred to me that you wouldn't take care of it.”

“So because you won't use condoms, I'm supposed to come up with another plan? I thought that meant you didn't care if I got pregnant, that you might even be glad if it happened. You say you love me. This is what people in love do.”

He struggles into his jeans. “You stupid little girl. Why did you have to be so stupid?”

“What?”

That's when he takes a step towards me and holds his arms out like he's explaining something to a imbecile. “I'm married with three kids already! Why would I want one with you?”

“Married?”

“Of course I'm married. Don't pretend you didn't know that. Everyone knows that.”

“I assumed you weren't married because you never told me you were. You chased me, remember? So that information was your obligation, not mine.”

“This isn't happening. Do you hear me, Grace? If this gets out it will ruin my career. Surely you wouldn't be that selfish.” He throws on his clothes on and jumps into his runners.

“What about me?”

He stops then and tries to collect himself. “You're right. There's you. You gave me such a fright I panicked for a minute.” He reaches over and takes me in his arms, stroking my hair like it might give him some special power. “I'm sorry. You're right.”

He steps away and picks up his wallet on the bedside table. “Here. Here's three hundred bucks. No, here's four hundred, just to be safe.” He puts it in my hand. “Get an abortion, but please go to someone who isn't going to butcher you. I can't have that on my conscience. I've got to go. Put the key under the mat when you leave.”

And he disappears out of my life forever.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

NOW

I knew it would be
bad
. To learn that your father isn't your father. My mistake was made long ago, when I didn't tell Jonathan as soon as he could understand. My poor boy has gone white, his coffee forgotten long ago. He's dazed, like I hit him on the head. That's just what I did. Pounded him into the ground and uncovered a new reality that can't possibly be real.

“I'm sorry, Jonathan. I never should have gone along with keeping it a secret. Your father thought it would be best if you didn't know.”

“Go ahead, pin the blame on him. According to you, my real father gave you money to get rid of me. My pretend father lied to me my whole life. You ran away. What did I ever do to deserve such a nurturing group of people? Excuse me.”

He's a little unsteady as he rises from the armchair, and won't look at me as he leaves the room.

I get in the tub and brood until the water gets cold. Then I crawl into bed and stay there. Here's hoping Jonathan can get a little rest.

It becomes a waiting game. He disappears for about three days. I follow Linn around just for something to do, but I'm in her way. I spend hours at the movie theatre eating popcorn but have no clue what the films are about. On day three I find myself in front of Deanne's apartment building. It at least is only two storeys up.

“You're lucky you caught me in.” She ushers me inside. “I stayed home today to catch up on some paperwork. Would you like a drink?”

“Whiskey.”

“That kind of a day. Coming right up.”

I wander around her living room. It's chic, but not over the top. It looks like a magazine cover, but one that people live in. There are newspapers on the floor and I see evidence of Melissa everywhere, which means she's not holed up in her room twenty-four-seven.

Deanne walks back in with two tumblers of whiskey. “I took a chance. On the rocks.”

“Thank you, my dear.”

We sit on either end of her sofa. She makes herself comfortable, tucks up her legs and holds out her glass. “Cheers.”

I do the same. “Cheers.” The whiskey tastes good on my tongue.

“I was going to call you and ask if you wanted to have dinner with us tonight—this is great timing.”

“Oh goody. What are we having?”

She laughs. “Oh, Grace. Have you forgotten? I don't cook. It depends on what restaurant you'd like to go to.”

“No wonder Jonathan divorced you.”

“Oh, he had plenty of other reasons to get rid of me. Let's just say I lead when I dance.”

“I think he misses you.”

She reaches up and tucks her stylish hair behind her ear. “I doubt it. Jonathan and I were always better friends than anything else. He needs a woman who will let him call the shots. For a man who's worth a fortune, he has very little confidence.”

“That is totally my fault.”

“Why?”

I reach over and pat her leg. “He'll tell you when he's ready. Now, how's our girl?”

I end up offering to make dinner. Andre and Melissa are overjoyed to be eating at their own dining-room table.

“Mom, you really have to take cooking lessons. This quiche is so good. Gee cooks all the time in Cape Breton. Every meal is homemade. Did you make dessert, Gee?”

“Naturally. Coconut balls.”

The minute I taste one with my tea, my longing for home overwhelms me. Wonder what Fletch and the critters are up to? No doubt Dora is skipping merrily up to our place with her baked offerings.

“Your mother has far more important things to do, like run a hospital. She can't do everything.”

“Thank you, Grace. I'm glad someone is sticking up for me.”

Andre reaches over for another coconut ball. “I have an idea, Melissa. I'd be happy to pay for cooking lessons for you. Perhaps after school? Would that be something you'd like?”

This guy is trying very hard, and I see Deanne give him a grateful look. For someone who's still so young, he has a maturity about him.

Melissa likes the idea but she doesn't want to admit it. “Maybe. We'll see.”

“What do you say to someone who makes such a nice offer?”

She makes a face at me but turns to Andre. “Thank you, Andre. That's very generous.”

“Not at all,” he smiles.

Later, as I help Deanne load the dishwasher, she turns to me. “Jonathan and I have made a lot of mistakes with Melissa. We let her get away with too much.”

“Always a temptation with an only child. Deanne, you've done a lot right too, and you're here. That's everything.”

Andre drives me back to Jonathan's. I'm almost out the door when I turn to him. “You're a good kid, Andre. Just keep doing what you're doing with Melissa and everything will sort itself out.”

“Thank you, Grace. It's been tough.”

“I can only imagine. Thanks for the lift.”

As his tail lights disappear up the street, I stand outside Jonathan's apartment and smoke a cigarette. Some uptown ladies go by with their crocodile purses, fox collars, and mink coats. They make me sick.

“You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

They give me a collective disgusted look, like I'm something to be scraped off their designer boots. The world is going to hell. I'm glad I'll be outta here sooner rather than later. Death doesn't scare me. Life does.

When I get back to Jonathan's apartment, I know right away he's home. There's a dark energy in here. I go to my bedroom and shut the door; he knows where I am if he wants to talk. To soothe my nerves I call Fletch. He sounds sleepy.

“How's she goin'?” he says.

“I miss you.”

“We miss you too, don't we, fellas?”

“I suppose Dora's been up with countless cookies.”

He laughs. “A few.”

“What is it with that woman? She's got a perfectly good husband of her own.”

“I'll tell you a secret. Might make you feel better.”

“What?”

“She asked me to marry her once.”

“When?”

“When we were in high school. Damnedest thing. Never heard tell of a woman asking a man.”

“Obviously you said no.”

“I told her I was too busy.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said she'd change my mind. The woman is driven, if nothing else.”

A thought occurs to me. “I bet she married Harvey just to live next door to you. Why are you still nice to her? She's been stalking you for fifty years.”

He chuckles. “She's not harming anybody, least of all me.”

“Well, she bugs me.”

“The dogs are scratching on the door to get out. Take care of yourself.”

“See ya, Fletch.”

There's a knock. “Come in.”

Jonathan opens the door. He's haggard, but even in his casual clothes, he looks smart. Philip always looked sharp. Funny how things like that are passed along.

“Can we talk?”

“Of course.”

He settles himself back in the armchair and I lean up against the headboard.

“Before you say anything, Jonathan, I want you to know how terribly sorry I am about all this. You were an innocent victim and never deserved to be lied to. I'm ashamed of what I did to you.”

“I've been thinking about this non-stop for the last few days. I realize that you were only a few years older than Melissa when this happened to you. But you were a grown woman when you left me. How does that happen? Tell me why that was your only choice.”

“You're not going to like it.”

“I don't like any of this.”

“Fair enough.”