Amaranth (3 page)

I’d come to Louisiana to make a future. I met him. Even if I
failed, I must try to get away from him.
It will never
happen, unless ...

I knew I had to turn him in, get help. Get a restraining
order. Something. Anything. I pulled the new spells from my pocket to stare at
them. I had to get to the conjure shop fast and get the supplies I needed,
before Audrey arrived.

Audrey. How was I going to keep all of this from her?

Somehow, I just would. I shot up from the ground, my heart
pounding through my chest, whisked hair away from my face, angrily scrubbed
tears from my eyes and cheeks. I straightened my work shirt and gulped a deep
breath, then another, certain I looked deranged. I didn’t care. I had to run
with this epiphany.

Louisiana was my Paris. That was why I moved here. Why
should I blow my chance at a new life because I had a lapse in sanity and let
this monster into my life, allow him to steal every ounce of my courage and dignity?
If I was strong enough to walk away from the last abuser, uproot myself and
move across the country, then I was strong enough to quit this sick addiction
called Andrew.

A wind gust blew around me, and I looked up to see storm
clouds. A crack of thunder made me reel as the back door swung open, slamming
against the concrete wall. Carol stuck her head out, looked me up and down.
“What on earth do you think you’re doing? You can’t just walk out here on the
clock and leave the store like that! I’m sorry, but these fifteen-minute smoke
breaks of yours can’t be tolerated--”

She stopped her rant when I turned to look at her. She must
have seen my mess of a face. Embarrassment washed her expression and her eyes
moved to her feet.

“I wasn’t smoking, Carol. If you can believe it.”

“Listen Camille,” she hesitated. “It’s that boy, isn’t it? I
know it’s not my business, but I saw you with him just now. And,” she nervously
ran her fingers through her big red Texas hair, “it didn’t settle right with
me. Not at all. He gave me the creeps. I mean, the way he looked at you, and
your body language, well ...”

She caught my scrutiny, pressed her lips together, then
said, “I think he’s no good. And to see you distraught like this ...”

Distraught
. Clever Carol. Her
meddlesome inferences actually hit the nail right on the head.

“Well ... thanks, Carol. I appreciate your concern, but it’s
okay. We’re just breaking up and I’m having a hard time with it.” That
half-truth was the best I could manage.

“I understand. That’s the last you’ll hear from me about it.
Just let me know if you need my help with anything.... If something goes
wrong.”

“I’ll let you know. Really.”

She nodded briskly, turned for the door. “I better get back
in there. Take a minute to get yourself together and come on back in. We have a
lot to get done this morning.”

I watched her shut the door and exhaled, looked once more up
at the sky. While I worked at compartmentalizing my troubles, my mind
registered that Carol was much more perceptive than I ever gave her credit for.
I would have to be more careful now. I shook that from my mind and instead
thought about the decision I’d made, to finally get rid of Andrew and reclaim
the new life that sat patiently in the womb, waiting to be born.

The sky was dark now, and the thunder grew more prominent.
Hard, cold raindrops hit my skin and I shuddered. Water soaked my hair and my
face, washing away the last of my tears and smeared mascara. As the rain
cleansed my forehead, I could feel the malicious predators that had come to
defeat me scamper off, leave in defeat. An irrational perseverance rose within
me, produced a hopeful smile on my face. I reached for the door, held on tight
to my second wind and hurried back inside.

How I’d managed to sleep that night was beyond me, but I
awoke rejuvenated. Perhaps that was because I’d see Audrey this morning. This
was her first visit since I moved from Seattle. She had no classes this summer,
and was able to get off work for a while to come see me. And I was having
“Audrey withdrawals.”

On the way to the airport I visited the conjure shop, eager
to try the new protection spells. The earthy building with
haint
blue windows and doors sat tucked away behind an old pizzeria, right around the
corner from the bookstore. I spotted the familiar
rootworker
behind the counter, some tired old tune playing on the ancient record player
behind her.

“I need your help again, Vivienne. I want to try these out.”
I handed her the list of supplies I needed.

She looked at me cautiously, slowly shook her head in
disapproval. “Listen, child, I don’t know how to tell you this, but ... this
just
ain’t
how it works, nah, child.”

I lowered my voice, looked around. “I need to make sure my
friend and I are going to be safe. I’m still having problems.”

She peered back at me, paper-thin wrinkles bunched up around
discerning eyes. “I understand nah, baby, but you may have
somethin
’
different on your hands.
Somethin
’ that won’t respond
to these spells,
ya
hear? You don’
wanna
be
messin
’ with--”

“Please, Vivienne. I need all the help I can get.”

What seemed a full minute passed before she looked down at
the papers and smacked her lips together, nodded, led me to the shelves.

“Remember
nah
, this is just
extra protection. This won’t take the place of a good
ol
’
fashioned jail cell,
ya
hear?” She placed bags of
herbs and roots in my hands.

I nodded and handed her the last of my money.

“
Somethin
’ just not right,” she
mumbled, but I was already rushing toward the door.

At the airport terminal, I saw her first, so I was able to
see her reaction when she spotted me through the crowds of people. Her face
beamed with that same giddy look she got in middle school whenever I announced
I was having a slumber party. With her around, I knew that seeing things
through a child’s eyes again would be as easy as breathing.

I rushed over to hug her, nearly knocking her down in
collision. She laughed, pulling away from my embrace to look at me. “I just got
here and you’re already trying to kill me, woman!”

“Can you blame me?” I shot back. “You nearly killed
me
, making me wait a year and a half to see you! I was
having panic attacks down here,
ya
know.” As pure as
she was, Audrey had a sarcasm I appreciated, something I believed made our bond
even tighter.

“Well you know you could’ve come to Seattle to see
me
too,” she said. “You’ve practically written the
place off!” She stopped at my expression. “Cam, you know I’m just giving you a
hard time. I know Seattle’s the last place you’d want to visit. I get it.”

She tapped the side of my arm and picked up her luggage from
where she’d dropped it. “Now, can we please get out of here? It’s giving me a
headache!”

“Absolutely,” I said.

“Good. I’m starving, and I have so much to tell you! But I
need to eat something, like right now. Can we
pleeeeease
hurry up?”

I had to laugh. “Sure. We’ll stop on the way to the house.
That is, if you can control your appetite for a whole twenty minutes.”

She rolled her big blue eyes. “Don’t start with me. It’s not
the smartest idea to mess with a cranky, hungry woman who’s been on a plane all
morning. Let me get something in my stomach before you start giving me
attitude, so I at least have some energy in me to fight back!” She nudged me
with her elbow as we headed to leave.

I nudged her back. “It’s good to see you, too.”

Before we knew it, it was almost dusk. After breakfast we’d
shopped, so we decided to hang out at home that night. Once we finished dinner,
we headed out to walk around the neighborhood like we used to back in Seattle,
to reminisce and catch up. Though there was no one on the planet I would
confide in except her, I still didn’t want to tell her the truth.

“So you know I’m bound to ask,” she began while we walked
down the rugged road past a sugarcane field. “You might as well just come out
with it and save me the trouble of prying it out of you.”

I tried. “Audrey, there’s nothing to tell.” Then I sighed,
realizing I was already defeated. “Can we please talk about what’s going on
with you some more? You never told me about what happened with Brian, or how
your spring classes went.”

She gathered her dirty blonde hair into her hands and tied
it up into a ponytail. As she did, she said, “Brian’s history, good riddance.
Classes were good. Same old, same old. Now. Who is he? And why won’t you talk
to me about him? I mean, all the times we’ve talked on the phone, and you just
dance around the subject.”

She raised her eyebrows at me, waiting. I watched a family
of ducks waddle by, crossing the street in front of us. “You know, I really
admire their simple lives,” I said. “Eat, sleep, repeat.” I glanced up to
examine the soft palette of colors in the sky.

“Yeah, the ducks. Simple. I get it. Now spill.”

I sighed. “I haven’t talked to you about him because there’s
nothing to tell. Besides, you know how I am about talking on the phone. It’s so
impersonal. I didn’t want to get into it.” I shrugged.

“Okay, well I’m here now. No phones. So let’s hear it.”

Of course.
Get right to the point,
Camille.
She was so impatient. So blunt. So ...
Audrey
.
I hesitated, trying to figure out how to be as truthful as possible without
alarming her. I couldn’t have her run off and confront him herself, before I
had the chance to try the protection spell. Knowing how enraged she’d be when
she found out, I doubted she would be able to hear the rest of the story.

“It’s not a big deal. He seemed great. Someone I could
relate to. We dated for the past year, and ... he turned out to be a jerk. So
now we’re going through the breakup. And it’s hard.”

She shook her head. “I
knew
something was up. You dated for a year, and you don’t tell me anything?”
Annoyance had crept into her tone. “Never mind that. Do you still love him?”

Which question to answer first? Which was safest? “He turned
out to treat me ... badly. I didn’t really
love
him. It was more of an unhealthy attachment. An addictive relationship, I guess
you could say.”

That was the truth. But what was I supposed to do next? Rip
my sleeve up my arm and just show her? She knew I went through this with the last
guy in Seattle, but this time I’d let it go on for over a year.

“Well I can understand that, Cam. I mean, you’ve been
through a lot. Moving out here all by yourself, after going through everything
with your mom and dad, and
him
... you needed a
friend, someone you could hang out with. Trying to fill a void, you know.”

Thank you, Dr. Audrey.
“Yeah,
but I screwed up. I’ve never
needed
anyone to
feel adequate. Not like this. Not until I met him. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I
guess. So when he came along, if I wasn’t with him, I felt so empty. But I made
a big mistake. One that’s going to take a while to forgive myself for.”

She reached out, squeezed my shoulder. “Sometimes you get
into a relationship, and the person turns out to be no good. It happens. You make
it sound like you committed a crime. I can’t imagine anything worse than what
you left in Seattle.”

Dread filled my mind and overwhelmed me. “Seriously, did you
change your major to Psych and forget to tell me? You need to go be a
counselor, not a cook.” Sarcasm wasn’t working. “I’m just angry with myself.
That’s the best I can explain it. When I moved out here, I really believed
things were going to be good. That I really would make a new life out here.”

“Camille,” she began gently. “You dated someone. You thought
he was a good guy, but his true colors came through. It just took a little
while to see it this time. Happens all the time. You can
still
start over. It hasn’t even been two years since
you’ve moved out here.” She grew quiet, her eyes on something in the distance.
For a second it looked as if she was marveling over the beautiful sunset. Then
I caught the suspicion in her eyes.

“We should start heading back,” I said. “It’s almost dark.
And I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. I have to work in the morning.”
I stopped walking and turned around to head back to the house.

“How did he treat you
badly
,
as you put it?”

The dreaded question. I sighed but kept walking, to force
her to follow. “He cut me down all the time, said mean things. He’s really
manipulative....”

She wasn’t following. I turned my head so I could see her,
saw the corners of her lips pulled down into a frown. She was still staring off
toward the sky, contemplating, but she hadn’t moved. Until she looked toward me
without looking me in the eyes, wrapped her arms around her body and hugged
herself. I stood there, waiting for her to catch up, but she clearly wasn’t
ready to leave. Or finished with me.

“He must’ve treated you
really
badly for you to not say a word to me for a whole year.” She took a deep breath
and glanced at my arms. “You’re afraid to tell me something. And whatever it
is, it
is
a big deal.”

I didn’t answer.

She flailed her arms out to the side, frustrated. “Who is
he, Camille? What did he do to you? And please, remember who you’re talking to.
I’m your best friend. Don’t insult me.”

She wrapped her arms around her body again, this time looked
directly at me, probably just as reluctant to hear the truth as I was to tell
it. Still, I tried to spare us both.