Read Am I Boring My Dog? Online
Authors: Edie Jarolim
Am I Boring My Dog? (33 page)
70
That said, don’t stereotype. Dogs are individuals and may not conform to breed profiles precisely, for better or worse. Size and face shape are often good energy-level predictors for mixed breeds, but be prepared for surprises.
71
A prerequisite for many exercise-providing games is your dog’s proven compliance with the “drop it” command. You don’t want your pup getting too riled up or becoming overly possessive of whatever item is being tossed around or pulled on—or eating it. You may not be able to refine the drop site, however, so dress for the possibility of getting drooly items plopped into your lap or onto your shoes.
72
Those who’ve been outsmarted by their dogs, as I’ve often been by Frankie, should not be offended by this statement.
73
In fact, no one really knows how well dogs can see in two dimensions. But you can bet they would probably prefer Smell-O-Vision to even 3-D TV (assuming you could
bet they would probably prefer Smell-O-Vision to even 3-D TV (assuming you could
get them to put on the special glasses).
bet they would probably prefer Smell-O-Vision to even 3-D TV (assuming you could
get them to put on the special glasses).
74
According to Wikipedia, performing with Yanni is one of Bradley Joseph’s claims to fame. If you and/or your dog are allergic to New Age music, this may be relevant.
75
Caveat listener: Although he also has dogs, DogCat Radio founder Adrian Martinez, a former record label president, said he created the station in 2005 because his cat asked him to.
76
That’s a relative term. Dogs are usually the most upset for the first half hour or so after you leave, so a toy doesn’t have to be engaging for more than an hour.
77
On one website, Premier’s Tug-a-Jug is touted as being made of bulletproof material. I don’t find that very heartening. Yes, these toys help hone intelligence, but not even Frankie would be sharp enough to grab the Tug-a-Jug and use it as a shield if he were under fire.
78
As opposed to “I bundle the pack into the elevator,” or “I leave them tied up outside, unattended,” the correct answer is, “I have my super-reliable assistant wait with them.”
79
Okay, okay, this is a classic case of “blame the dog” when you fart. I can’t afford to pay off everyone who knows the truth: Frankie has an adorable prancing gait, like a tiny Lipizzaner stallion, while I’m the big ol’ klutz.
80
In fact, this is likely to be the first time you’ll learn the other people’s names. One of the implicit rules of the dog park is to avoid showing an untoward interest in the humans. You will be identified as, say, “Bella’s mom” or “Hooter’s dad.” Of course, dog park romances do occur, in which case you will (probably) learn the other person’s identity. Beware, however, of the dreaded dog park breakup if there are limited off-leash options in your town.
81
Well, except for the
Deliverance-
type guys at one campground, but they were exceptions. And my friends had Dasha and Madison, their two semi-large dogs, with them, looking semi-fierce.
Deliverance-
type guys at one campground, but they were exceptions. And my friends had Dasha and Madison, their two semi-large dogs, with them, looking semi-fierce.
82
I was initially thinking that you could just pull over and have your dog go al fresco, but have since discovered Pup-Head Portable Potty with PupGrass, billed as “Ideal for Boats and RVs! Now your dog can relieve themselves [sic] when they’re not able to get to ‘real’ grass.”
83
With Pet Airways (
petairways.com
), which debuted in 2009, your dog flies in the cabin—but not with you. It’s a nice concept, but has several limitations, the least of which is the need to coordinate human and canine flights. In addition, only a few routes are currently available and certain breeds are excluded from air travel. (I think they’d behave better than drunk humans, but no one consulted me.)
petairways.com
), which debuted in 2009, your dog flies in the cabin—but not with you. It’s a nice concept, but has several limitations, the least of which is the need to coordinate human and canine flights. In addition, only a few routes are currently available and certain breeds are excluded from air travel. (I think they’d behave better than drunk humans, but no one consulted me.)
84
Dogs have also been known to shift gears—and even take their owner’s car for a short spin. To cite only a couple of recent examples, a Pit Bull left in a vehicle going through an automatic carwash in Pryor, Oklahoma, reversed it into traffic; and a Boxer/Shar-Pei mix drove his owner’s idling van into a Long Island, New York, coffee shop. Neither dogs nor humans were injured in these incidents, but the Oklahoma owner had his license revoked—not because his dog was driving but because the police discovered that neither he (nor the Pit Bull) had auto insurance.
85
You may also get a lot of unwelcome notoriety. While walking along the side of the road, author Stephen King was struck by a minivan. Driver Bryan Smith—who subsequently turned up as a character in one of King’s books—claimed he had been distracted by his Rottweiler, who was moving around the vehicle, trying to raid the food cooler.
86
Of course, I got the Hyundai before I got Frankie. Who knows what I might do if this book becomes a best-seller and I can afford to upgrade my wheels? According to a study by the American Kennel Club, some 47 percent of dog owners take their pooches into account when buying an automobile. See the reviews on
dogcars.com
if you’re among them.
dogcars.com
if you’re among them.
87
And in case you don’t want to open the minibar, lest its oversensitive sensors charge you for a bottle of something expensive that you didn’t actually drink. Yes, I speak from experience.
88
I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. But that would be a great name for a dog motel with a limited room service menu, wouldn’t it? Consider it copyrighted.
89
This was because, after our first two nights there, the wonderful Polynesian-themed Caliente Tropics motel had been entirely booked with a tiki-lovers conference. Who knew there was so much tiki culture to celebrate beyond umbrella drinks?
90
Don’t worry if you’re in the general ballpark, size-wise; no one will humiliate you by weighing your dog. Archie, who is 28 pounds—all muscle, but a bit taller than Frankie—had no problem passing muster when Clare and I checked him into an Arizona resort that had a 25-pound limit.
91
However, the James Chicago Hotel offers an indoor saltwater lap pool built especially for dogs, with skinny-dipping permitted (perhaps even required).
92
One Arizona resort that only accepts dogs who weigh less than 20 pounds presented Frankie with a welcome biscuit that was bigger than his head. If he had managed to get hold of, and consume, the entire thing, I would have had to pay for vomit cleanup.
93
I received an item with the unfortunate name of “Bon Ton Luxury Pet Disposal Kit,” which sounds like something Tony Soprano might have used to dispatch an irritating Shih Tzu.
94
Oddly, some humans don’t want to share the actual spa with dogs.
95
I may have sacrificed easy access to art cinemas by moving from Manhattan to Tucson, but I never have to leave home when Frankie needs to heed nature’s call (and Frankie never has to be subjected to doggie diapers while he’s still continent). I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad sign that I now consider this a reasonable tradeoff.
96
I’m thinking of the Cooper’s Hawk that sometimes swoops into my backyard for a small-bird snack and wouldn’t appreciate Frankie’s continuous presence. I concede that, in Manhattan, pigeons may be annoying but they generally observe a beaks-off canine policy.
97
Leaving your dog inside under those circumstances is a far better idea, but sometimes temperatures fluctuate unexpectedly. And northern breeds may nag you to let them stay outside and play in the snow.
98
Other animals enter only occasionally, no doubt aware of the fierce dog guarding the premises (the fence around my backyard helps, too). When Frankie first came to live with me, however, a large neighborhood cat decided to check him out. I spotted Frankie walking backward through the dining room into the kitchen, keeping a careful eye on the kitty while trying to elude her. Perhaps it was shame over this early incident that has made him such a vigilant home protector ever since.
99
You might think that a large dog door would signal the presence of a large dog and thus deter robbers, but that’s not always the case, as a homeowner in Shawnee, Kansas, discovered. According to a local news report, after noticing several missing items, Paul Vanlerberg set up a surveillance camera. The video it produced showed that the thieves crawled in through the dog door and helped themselves to liquor, cash, and electronics without rousing the door’s intended user. Bad dog!
neither weather-tight nor secure. Many newer models, however, remain economical but provide better protection against both the elements and uninvited visitors. Some, for example, have a space between the two flaps that insulates against the weather. Others offer a simple locking mechanism such as a slide-in plastic panel that allows you to secure the door whenever you like.
neither weather-tight nor secure. Many newer models, however, remain economical but provide better protection against both the elements and uninvited visitors. Some, for example, have a space between the two flaps that insulates against the weather. Others offer a simple locking mechanism such as a slide-in plastic panel that allows you to secure the door whenever you like.
100
According to
pet-supplies-review.com
, an “electronic” door usually refers to one that unlocks a flap that your dog may then push open, while “automatic” means a door that swings or slides open itself when your dog approaches.
pet-supplies-review.com
, an “electronic” door usually refers to one that unlocks a flap that your dog may then push open, while “automatic” means a door that swings or slides open itself when your dog approaches.
101
That’s not true of vinyl flooring, for which it’s sometimes mistaken. Vinyl uses lots of chemicals in its manufacturing—as opposed to linseed oil, a prime component of linoleum and the source of its name: Linum is Latin for flax, and linseed oil is derived from flaxseed.
102
For example, that old beanbag chair from your hippie days that you could never bring yourself to throw away (unless your dog is a chewer; then you might actually find out what the chair is filled with). If, however, you redirect your dog to your significant other’s favorite lounge chair, it would (correctly) be construed as a hostile act.
103
Or a facsimile thereof. My friend Karyn puts old sheets or blankets on the couch where her Greyhound, Lily, lounges. Because Karyn knows I’m not judgmental about dog-related untidiness—or untidiness in general—I’m not sure if the coverings are there for Lily’s comfort or if they’re removed before neater company arrives.
104
Yes, we’re discussing vomit and diarrhea. If you don’t get to the former quickly, your dog may resolve part of the problem by eating what he’s just upchucked. I was shocked when I first saw my refined little Frankie recycle his discarded food, but I guess he wasn’t going to let a little gastric acid keep him from enjoying something he liked the first time around.
105
Consumer Reports often tests vacuum cleaners for their effectiveness in dealing with pet hair. The 81-model survey published in 2008 made owners of Dyson models, which weren’t very highly rated, very irate. They rushed to the defense of their preferred brand on various Internet forums.
106
Marijuana makes this short list, too, so keep your dog out of the grow room and don’t let her get into any pot brownies (a double threat because chocolate is bad for her health, too). Ingestion is the only form of cannabis contact that the ASPCA warns against, but your pup should be discouraged from smoking weed because it’s illegal.
107
Unconditional shouldn’t be confused with constant or uninterrupted, however. An interest in food, for example, might distract even the most affectionate of dogs from adoration duty. But dogs don’t hold grudges, so you won’t experience more than a temporary withholding of affection if, say, you don’t deliver dinner in a timely fashion.
108
A Manhattan judge reduced Trouble’s bequest to a mere $2 million after the family contested the will on the grounds that Helmsley was not of sound mind when she wrote it. Be sure to emphasize the unfairness of that decision—in a very lucid fashion. And note that the uncontested bulk of Helmsley’s fortune, several billion dollars, was left to animal care charities.
109
If you need help deciding on a reputable charity, see
petplace.com/dogs/tip-on-choosing-a-pet-charity-for-dogs/page1.aspx
.
petplace.com/dogs/tip-on-choosing-a-pet-charity-for-dogs/page1.aspx
.
110
And Frankie wants to know, can I get a loan?
111
In most business circles, it’s still more acceptable to say, “I want to stay home with my children” than to assert, “My dog really needs me during this crucial furniture-chewing phase.”
112
This theoretically includes the likes of cats and birds, but “pet-friendly” is a nonspeciesist euphemism for what is overwhelmingly an open-dog policy.
113
It’s possible, of course, for the boss to have an unruly and thus annoying dog, but every dog lover knows where the blame lies in that case.
114
Honest. After-school programs around the country proved that reading to a furry, nonjudgmental audience improves children’s skills. The dogs, of course, sharpen their listening skills and expand their vocabularies.
115
Oh, like you’ve never done anything to salve your dog’s ego. After I had the vet pull several of Frankie’s teeth, I made him believe the ones he had left had become much stronger by pretending I could no longer pull his squeaky chile toy out of his mouth. At least I think he believes that. For all I know, he could just be playing along to assuage my guilt over his drastic—albeit essential to his health—de-toothing.
116
He or she doesn’t necessarily have to like
you,
however. No matter how annoying you are, a dog lover would not want harm to come to your canine charge. Another thing that favors compliance: any temporary guardian is bound to be aware that you’ll be back in action sooner or later, owing them big time (karmically, if not financially).
you,
however. No matter how annoying you are, a dog lover would not want harm to come to your canine charge. Another thing that favors compliance: any temporary guardian is bound to be aware that you’ll be back in action sooner or later, owing them big time (karmically, if not financially).
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