Always You (30 page)

In the morning, she sat across the kitchen table, and watched him butter toast, resentful of everyone who had played a part in this sorry tale – his father, Dad, Aunt Vi, Becky. Her eyes were dry and sore from lack of sleep. ‘How can you leave me and go back to Melbourne?’

He paused with the knife in his hand. ‘Oh, sweetheart, how can I not?’ He set the knife down, leaned across the table and squeezed her hand so tight it hurt. ‘We’ve been through this a hundred times. And I wish to God I could change things, but I can’t.’

‘Stay.’

He bowed his head and when he looked up his eyes were wet with tears. ‘I can’t, darling. The boys are expecting me. I can’t let them down.’

She’d folded her arms stubbornly and sulked. ‘So the boys are more important than me?’

He raised his eyebrows and his expression hardened a little. ‘That’s not fair, Sarah. And you know it. They’re as important to me as your children are to you.’

She looked away and scowled. Frustration made her unreasonable and bad-tempered. And though she did not want to spoil their last moments together, she could not stop herself.

‘I won’t let you fall out with me,’ he said, tilting her chin up with his forefinger.

She yanked her head away and glared at him. ‘I don’t understand how you can just accept it. Where’s your fight?’

‘Tell me what to do then, Sarah!’ he shouted, bringing his closed fist down on the table between them. ‘Tell me how to change the past and by God, I’ll do it!’

Her entire body shook. ‘I just don’t think you love me as much as I love you,’ she blurted out.

‘I do, Sarah.’ His eyes bulged and the tendons on his neck stood out. ‘But if I can’t make you believe it, what chance do we have?’

‘Sarah?’ said Ian’s voice, bringing her back to the present.

She coughed and took a sip of tea to steady her nerves. She’d thought her relationship with Cahal strong enough to survive the separation but now she wasn’t so sure. If this morning was anything to go by, it didn’t bode well for the future. They’d kissed and made up, sort of, but the argument had left a sour, unfinished note between them. ‘He flies home tonight. London first, then on to Melbourne tomorrow.’

‘I see.’ He rubbed his chin.

There was a long silence. Ian said, ‘Tell me something, Sarah. Would you go to Australia if you could?’

‘In a heartbeat.’ She smiled sadly and added hastily, ‘But I would never do that to you, Ian. I would never take the kids away from you.’

‘You would leave your job and Becky and your Dad and Vi?’

She nodded. ‘Yes.’

He stared at her for a long time with his hand over his mouth and then at last he stood up and said, ‘Evelyn left you something in her will.’

‘Oh.’

‘She left some things for the kids, some jewellery, and investments too,’ he went on, rummaging in a lacquered jewellery box she recognised as Evelyn’s, his big, broad back silhouetted in the light from the window. ‘But I’ll tell you all about that later.’

He closed the lid and came and knelt in front of Sarah. ‘I’ll never forget what you did for my mother, Sarah. Not just at the end but over the years, even after we’d split up. I’ll never forget your kindness to her. She loved you.’

Sarah, all choked up, nodded.

‘Here, take this.’ He held her hand in his and pressed something into her palm. It was a gold chain with an emerald pendant on it. ‘This meant a lot to her. Dad gave it to her on –’

‘Their first wedding anniversary,’ said Sarah, setting the mug down and fingering the pendant. How kind of Evelyn to give her in death something that had meant so much to her in life. ‘She told me. She wore it in that picture of her and Harry all dressed up in their finery.’

Quickly, Ian wiped away tears. ‘That’s right. She wanted you to have it.’

‘Thank you. It’s lovely. And I shall treasure it always.’ She closed her fingers on it and fought back the tears. ‘I should go now. Thank you for this. And if you ever need a friend to talk to, you know where I am.’ She stood up and took an uncertain step towards the door, her heart as heavy as lead, her legs like wood.

‘Wait. There’s something else I have to tell you.’

She turned and waited.

He rubbed his face with his hands. ‘Mum said something to me before she died. It was the last completely coherent conversation I had with her, in fact. And it was about you.’

‘Oh,’ Sarah’s interest quickened and she sank onto the arm of the nearby chair.

‘She knew that I loved you.’ He paused and gave her a small, quick smile before looking away and addressing his hands. ‘Love you. I didn’t have to tell her. She just knew.’

Sarah pressed her lips together and closed her eyes. Why did he persist in talking like this when she’d made her feelings perfectly clear? It was torture for both of them. She opened her eyes. ‘Ian …’ she said, a gentle admonishment, and left the sentence unfinished.

He went on, ‘She said: “Take joy in her happiness, even if it comes at the price of your own”. I know what she meant of course. That I should be glad for you and Cahal even though you being with him means that I will never be happy.’

‘Oh, don’t say that, Ian,’ she said softly. ‘There’s someone out there for you. You just haven’t found her yet.’

‘Maybe, maybe not.’ He looked at the palms of his hands. ‘But I’ve thought about what Mum said over the past fortnight. I’ve thought of little else in fact. And I’ve come to a decision.’

Sarah’s heartbeat quickened. What could he possibly mean?

He cleared his throat. ‘There’s nothing for me here in Ballyfergus anymore, not with Mum gone.’ He paused and swallowed. ‘And if I’m the only reason you can’t go to Melbourne, well what would you say if that impediment was removed?’

‘How?’ she said fearfully. Was he offering his assent for her to take the children to Melbourne? Even if he did, the children would never be happy without their father. They would blame her for taking them away from him. And in her heart, though she loved Cahal with all her being, she would not take them away from the father they adored. And then another, awful thought occurred to her. Surely he wasn’t talking about taking his own life? Her heart pounding, she put her hands to her face.

He fixed her with his steady blue gaze. ‘What would you say to me emigrating to Australia too?’

‘To Melbourne?’ The blood drained from her face. ‘You can’t possibly be serious, Ian.’

He held out his big hands, palms upwards, and looked about the room. ‘What is there for me here, Sarah? Raquel’s gone, Mum’s gone, I hate this house and I’m bored in my job. It would be a fresh start for me. For all of us.’

‘All of us?’ she said, a horrible sinking feeling in her stomach.

‘Not together, obviously.’ He gave a nervous little laugh. ‘I’d get a place somewhere within driving distance of you so that I could see the kids easily. I wouldn’t be riding on your coat tails, Sarah. I’d make my own life out there.’

She stared at him in puzzlement, barely able to take in what he was saying. ‘You’ve spoken to the kids?’

‘No, not yet. But I think they’ll be fine so long as you and I are both there for them. They’ll miss Becky and their grandad and Vi, but they can come out for holidays, can’t they?’

All of a sudden happiness exploded in her heart, pushing aside the pain, like a flood bursting a dam. Her head felt light and fluffy inside like cotton wool, her thoughts jumbled and confused, joy and guilt and terror all competing for a place in her heart. She stood up abruptly, then sat down again, and covered her face with her hands. Tears came easily but this time they were tears of relief.

And then, just as quickly, her euphoria died away. She wiped her cheeks and stared at Ian. ‘It’s sweet of you to make the offer, but you’ve only just lost your mother. You aren’t thinking straight.’

One side of his mouth turned up in a cynical smile. ‘You always did try to tell me what to think, Sarah. But you’re wrong. I’ve never before had such clarity of thought. I love you, Sarah, and I know that I can’t make you happy. But Cahal can. Why should we both be miserable?’

She went over and sat on the coffee table in front of him with her hands between her knees. ‘You’d do this for me?’

‘For no one else.’

‘But you hate Cahal.’

He shook his head. ‘No, you’re wrong. I only ever hated him because you loved him.’

Her heart filled up with guilty gratitude. ‘Oh, Ian. You have no idea what this means to me.’

‘I think I do.’

‘I can never repay you.’

He nodded and, though his eyes were full of tears, he smiled. She jumped up and planted a kiss on the top of his balding head. ‘You are a good, kind man, Ian Aitken. The very best. And someone will love you for it one day.’

‘Yes, well. Hadn’t you better go and tell Cahal?’ he said, without looking up.

‘Yes, I must, right away.’ Her heart skipped a beat. ‘We argued this morning. I said some stupid things.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘Oh my God, his flight leaves in three and a half hours!’

She ran to the door, paused and looked back at Ian. His head was still bowed, as if he did not wish her to see his face. ‘I’ll never forget this, Ian,’ she said, then slipped quietly from the room.

Once in the car, she grabbed the mobile she’d left lying on the passenger seat. She called Cahal but there was no answer. Throwing the phone to one side, she fired up the engine and drove off, tyres screeching on the tarmac.

The house at Grace Avenue was locked up. She ran around the building, stopping to peer in every window. The bed was stripped and all his things were gone. She dashed back to the front of the house, pulled the phone out of her pocket and tried a different number.

‘Jessica,’ she said breathlessly, running back to the car, ‘has Cahal left for the airport?’

‘I saw him get into a taxi just now. Why? What’s up?’

‘I’ll explain later.’

She hung up. They were flying out of Belfast International. The airport was just outside Templepatrick and roughly equidistant from Belfast city centre and Ballyfergus. If she put her foot down, she might just make it in time … On the main road, she put her foot down. Sweat pooled in the middle of her back as she struggled to resist the urge to overtake where it was not safe. The road was choked with elderly drivers going too slow. A stream of lorries, just off the ferry, chugged and wheezed up the slow incline out of the town. Occasional tractors trundled onto the road without a care in the world. And all the time she had one eye on the clock.

At last, after an agonising journey that felt as if it had lasted for hours, though it was only forty minutes, she pulled into the airport car park. Ditching the car in the first space she could find, she sprinted across to the check-in lounge, hair flying out wildly behind her, blood rushing in her ears.

Inside, she paused to catch her breath and looked around. She searched desperately for Cahal’s face amongst the crowds of business people, families, and a hen party checking in for Larnaca, all dressed in pink T-shirts and wearing sparkly silver cowboy hats. But he was not in any of the queues. She peered at the exit that led into departures and caught a glimpse of a man, the same height and build of Cahal, just disappearing round the corner. She bolted across the hall, rounded the corner and almost bumped into a female official at a desk.

‘Boarding pass, please,’ said the woman.

‘I … don’t … I just need to speak to that man.’ She pointed at his rapidly disappearing back.

‘I’m sorry, madam, but you need a boarding pass to enter this area.’

‘Cahal,’ she cried out. ‘I’m here.’ He ignored her and she took a couple of steps past the official’s desk and screamed again, this time so loudly everyone in the building must’ve heard. ‘Cahal. Over here!’ The man turned his head, but it was not Cahal, just another businessman in a suit. Her heart sank.

‘Madam, you are not allowed beyond this point without a boarding pass,’ said the official and before she knew what was happening two strong arms had grabbed hers behind her back.

‘Let’s just calm down, darling,’ said a voice in her ear and she cringed with embarrassment.

‘Sorry. I thought he was someone else.’

The arms released her and she turned to find herself face to face with a security guard who, though big and burly with a florid face, had kind eyes. She looked down at her grubby sweatpants and trainers – he must think her some sort of chav. ‘I thought he was my boyfriend,’ she said lamely.

He squinted at her and said, ‘Are you flying today?’

She shook her head.

‘Then I’ll have to ask you to leave the building. Come on, darling, this way.’ And though he took her by the arm, his grasp was gentle.

He escorted her through the check-in lounge. Everyone turned to look at the source of the commotion and Sarah wished the ground would swallow her up. And then she heard a female voice call out her name.

‘Sarah?’

She glanced up to find Jody towering over her on legs like stilts, her big teeth exposed in a grin. Inside, she groaned and then brightened. Where Cahal went Jody usually wasn’t far behind. She craned to see past her but there was no sign of Cahal.

Jody walked over, touched her perfect jaw with the tips of her perfectly manicured fingers, and said, ‘What are you doing here?’

The security man stopped dead. Jody had that kind of voice. Commanding.

‘I … eh … I was looking for Cahal,’ she said.

‘Oh, he’s right here,’ she said and stepped to the side. He appeared from nowhere, staring at her in bewilderment and looking incredibly handsome in a navy suit and blue shirt, briefcase in one hand, coat in the other. Promptly she burst into tears.

‘So this is the boyfriend, love?’ said the security guard.

She nodded and he let go of her arm. And then suddenly she felt Cahal’s arms around her. She pressed her face into his neck, her salty tears running down the collar of his shirt. He smelt of spice and soap and his hands on her back were firm and strong. He held on to her for a long time and, when she’d composed herself, they pulled apart. Cahal’s briefcase and coat lay at his feet and his face was stricken. ‘What’s wrong, Sarah? Has something happened?’

The security guard said, ‘Guess I’d better leave you to it. But no more of yer carry on, do you hear me? Next time, you’ll get arrested.’