Always With Love (9 page)

‘I can’t believe she spoke to you like that,’ I say.

‘She’s my mum. She loves me more than anything. I know she only wants the best for me,’ he replies, shrugging in my arms.

‘Of course.’

‘She’s not that lady. She’s just passionate about us kids.’

I don’t respond, knowing it’s not my place to speak badly or question his mother’s motives. Back when his ex-manager Paul was, in my opinion, being manipulative over Billy, us, and his career choices, I did question it a few times – which didn’t go down too well. Billy is a loyal soul, and would definitely be protective over his family, especially his mum. Criticizing the family of your partner should never be done in a relationship. I might not be the most experienced when it comes to relationships, but even I know that.

‘What are you going to do now?’ I mumble into his chest.

‘Wait until tomorrow and talk to her calmly.’

‘You’re not going to talk it over tonight?’ I ask, my head moving away from him so that I can see his face. I can’t believe Billy will be able to sleep later knowing his mum is so upset, even if she’s that way because she wound herself up so badly. I also don’t believe Billy will be able to simply brush off the incident and snooze soundly. It’s horrible trying to sleep with that agitated undercurrent bubbling away. He knows it’s something I try my best to never do.

‘Fine, I’ll wait a couple of hours for it all to dissipate and then I’ll go talk to her.’

‘That’s better,’ I say, cuddling into him again.

‘God knows what I’m going to say …’

Yes, I sigh to myself, but I’d rather not think about it.

‘Do you think it’s true what Lauren said about Jay?’ I ask.

‘Feeling compared to me?’ Billy asks with a sigh. ‘Must be flipping hard being my brother. The girls can avoid that to a certain extent, but not him.’

‘Do you think that’s why he’s not here?’

‘Don’t know … I definitely think that’s part of the reason he’s working so hard to achieve something away from us all.’

‘So you could argue that being compared to you has given him drive and passion?’ I suggest, knowing he’s still upset that his little brother isn’t here, but trying to put a positive spin on it.

‘Maybe. Want to go for a swim?’ he asks, nodding
towards the window, indicating he’s done with the discussion for now. ‘Might help your hangover.’

‘You know what, I’d completely forgotten about that.’

‘It’s amazing what a family drama can do,’ Billy laughs, heading off to get changed.

It
feels odd to be outside enjoying the warmth of the day with Billy when we know Julie is inside feeling awful. However, the swim does help to shake off the grogginess I woke up with and the anxious feeling that’s been building inside me all day. The stretching of my weightless limbs as they glide through the water, combined with the sun beaming on my back, helps bring a sense of stillness.

‘You’ve been in there for ages,’ Billy calls from the side of the pool, his legs dangling in the water. In contrast, he’s been sunbathing on a lounger, or possibly stewing over what he’s going to say to his mum when he next sees her.

‘I’m on one hundred and twenty-eight laps now,’ I grin, as I swim past him.

‘Good going! How many you doing?’

‘Two hundred? Or one-fifty?’ I breathe, as I realize I’m already fairly shattered. I didn’t mean to swim so much, but I’ve just kept going, enjoying the feeling it’s stirred in me.

‘Nice,’ Billy nods, smiling at me. ‘I’m starving.’

‘Me too,’ I admit. Julie might have cooked an impressive roast dinner (minus the vegan dish), but none of us really felt up to eating much while all the arguing was going on, or once the battle had been fought.

‘I’m going to go see if I can rustle up something in the
kitchen,’ Billy says, getting to his feet. ‘You keep going and come in when you’re done.’

‘Will do,’ I say, putting my head back under the water and ploughing through my tiredness, wanting to get to a round number.

When I get to a hundred and fifty, I’m spent. There’s physically no way I can reach two hundred today. Maybe it’ll be an aim of mine while I’m here, I decide, as I wrap a towel around me and dry off.

I sit on the corner of a sun lounger and wait for my heart to steady itself. I might be on my feet all day in the shop, but I’m still a bit slack when it comes to doing regular exercise, and my body is currently making sure I know it. In stark contrast to how I felt in the water, I now feel heavy and lifeless. Although, bizarrely, it actually feels quite pleasant and grounding.

Once the late rays of the afternoon sun have dried me off and my body has semi-recovered, I stand, slip my feet into my brown Havaianas, and decide to venture towards the kitchen to get some grub.

I’m about to walk through the door when the sound of talking stops me.

Julie is in there with Billy. Despite what happened earlier, I’m glad they’re trying to discuss the matter.

‘Mum, honestly, I know where you’re coming from and I know you might think I’m being ungrateful, but –’ I hear Billy say, as though reasoning with a child.

‘I don’t think you’re being ungrateful,’ Julie says with a big sigh. ‘Well, part of me thinks you’re being utterly absurd and childish, but,’ she breathes, clearly stopping herself from getting irate again and trying her best to talk
in a calmer fashion. ‘It’s my place to worry. I’m your mum, Billy. And all I ever want is what’s best for you.’

‘I know that,’ Billy replies softly.

‘I don’t want word getting round that you’ve turned down Ralph. It could be detrimental to everything you’ve spent so long creating. You’re the charming soul who’s hardworking and dedicated, who’s worked relentlessly to win the respect you’ve gained,’ she says. I might not be in the room, but it sounds as though she even has a smile on her face. Clearly, the atmosphere is totally different now they’re on their own and a couple of hours have passed. ‘Don’t forget how hard you had to work to shake off that teen image you had. You did it. You won a BAFTA, Billy. Who’d have thought that would’ve happened five years ago.’

‘Tell me about it,’ he laughs in response.

‘I understand that you needed to take time away, and if I ever see that Heidi flipping Black I’ll show her what for, but you’ve got the accolade you strived so hard to achieve. You’d be foolish not to follow that up with a great piece of work, to show your fans that you’re still here and to really hit home that you’re the actor to be watched. The actor of your generation.’

If anything, it’s touching to hear her give Billy credit in such a heartfelt exchange. Talking about the decision in terms of what it’ll mean for him and his career, rather than how he’d be a disappointment to the family if he didn’t take part.

‘Mum, films are being made all the time,’ he says, still trying to make her see his point. ‘Not taking this one doesn’t mean I won’t secure something electrifying when I’m ready.’

‘You don’t think you’re looking a gift horse in the mouth?’

‘No …’

‘Because I’d hate for you to look back and regret your decision.’

From where I’m standing at the other side of the door (ridiculously rooted to the spot), I can’t hear an audible reply from Billy, but there seems to be a pregnant pause hanging over them while Julie’s words linger in the air.

‘And another thing – now, don’t be cross at me for talking about this – but you’re so young. Too young to be throwing your life away for a girl.’

I feel as though I’ve been smacked across the face, stunned that I’ve even been brought into the conversation. My chest tightens, my body stiffens and my breathing stops – eager, yet petrified, to hear exactly what’s going to be said next.

‘Mum,’ he says in a low and pained tone, as though he’s warning her to stop.

‘What? Where do you see it going, Billy? Do you think you’ll end up marrying her?’ she asks, as though the idea is absurd. ‘I mean, Sophie’s a lovely girl but perhaps it was a bit of normality you craved so much.’

‘Don’t underestimate normality, Mum. Or Sophie,’ he says dryly, his voice low and steady.

‘Oh, I know she seems very sweet and I’m not surprised you were so drawn to her,’ she says, seeming to back off of her argument before deciding otherwise and continuing. ‘But does she understand the business? In the long run, how will she cope with you travelling around filming in different locations while she’s stuck at her shop.’

I bristle at that – there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather spend my time than at Molly’s-on-the-Hill, and I was beginning to think Billy felt the same.

‘We’ll cope together,’ Billy brushes her off.

‘Really?’

‘I love her.’

‘Enough to throw away your dreams?’

‘Enough to chase love and happiness,’ he says flatly, causing tears to prick at my eyes as I bite down on my bottom lip.

‘They’re big words, Billy,’ Julie says, theatrically taking a huge intake of breath. ‘I just hope they don’t come back to bite you in the arse.’

‘They won’t.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘Because you brought me up properly and I know what’s important in life,’ Billy says softly, appealing to her romantic side.

‘And what if she’s not the one? What if this is all for nothing?’

‘Then at least I’ll know I did the best I could. That I acted decently – always with love.’

‘I see,’ Julie sighs.

Part of me wants to crumble on the spot and sob, the other wants me to make my presence known to them both. Yet I’m unable to do either. Instead I remain standing and listen to the silence that’s fallen between them.

‘And what about us?’ Julie eventually asks meekly, almost inaudibly.

‘What do you mean?’ Billy asks, his voice soft and caring.

‘Oh, nothing,’ she murmurs, before breaking into quiet sobs.

‘Mum …’

‘Just don’t forget about us,’ she weeps.

‘Mum, I couldn’t.’

‘And don’t think we don’t want anything but the best for you …’

‘Mum, why are you being like this?’

Having heard more than I should have, I tear myself away. Tiptoeing back along the hallway, I go down to Billy’s room. When the door is finally closed behind me, I gasp for air, my chest heaving in panic.

I shouldn’t have stood there so long. I shouldn’t have listened to their conversation. Because now I’ve heard things I can’t un-hear and sadly I know just how little Julie thinks of me. I know she doubts my ability to cope and that she’s failed to see me as a permanent fixture in Billy’s life.

It’s crushing to hear the mother of the person you love question what you share and value, as though me and my
normality
have been just a phase for Billy. A phase that he’ll probably soon tire of and regret …

But she’s been so nice and welcoming to me since we arrived. Surely that can’t have been all an act to get me on side?

I can only imagine the stream of girls Billy has brought home in the past, some, undoubtedly, with dubious intentions to further their own careers. With that in mind I can understand her being a little cautious, but surely she knows I’m not like that. Right? I’m not looking to gain anything from our relationship and I’m not looking to pin
Billy down and stop him from doing what he loves. I love him. I want him to flourish in life!

I hate that she thinks I’m a huge part in his decision not to do this film with Ralph and Richard. I mean, I know I’m a part of it, but I’m not the
whole
reason, surely? He wanted time away from everything. Time to be himself …

But what if that decision drove a wedge between him and his family? What if it grew into something irretrievable? How would I cope knowing I had a part in causing that?

Although I hate to admit it, some of what Julie said made sense. Billy has worked hard – first of all to get into one of the biggest teen movie trilogies of all time, and then to break the mould and be recognized for his indisputable talent away from that genre. Is a break now the best thing? Has he really thought it through beyond worrying that it would hurt me? I saw the way he was practically drooling over Ralph Joplin last night and I’m not sure he could guarantee he wouldn’t hate seeing someone else playing the role they so desperately want him for. I’m not sure I could cope knowing he missed out on such a huge opportunity, just so he could head back to Rosefont Hill and bake cakes by my side for the next few months.

I decide to have a shower, wanting to be actively doing something whenever Billy inevitably notices I haven’t reappeared and comes to find me. I know I can have a good cry in the glass cubicle without being seen or heard – and if I can only keep those tears at bay for so long, I’d rather spill them alone.

‘I
think you should rethink,’ I blurt when I come out of the shower and see Billy sitting on a sofa looking longingly out of the window, with two ham and cheese sandwiches on a plate next to him. Once again, I find myself not hungry.

Billy looks up at me with a confused expression.

‘Ralph and Richard. The film. You haven’t even read the script yet,’ I say with a shrug, trying to sound more determined about this than I feel. ‘Read it before making a decision. You don’t want to wake up one day and regret not being part of the “greatest film ever made”.’

‘Ralph’s words?’ he asks, giving a sad smile.

‘He clearly believes in it. Just read it before refusing.’

‘Where has this come from?’

‘Nowhere. I’ve just been thinking, that’s all,’ I lie, not wanting him to know that I overheard his chat with his mum and have just spent the last twenty minutes having a mammoth cry over it.

‘No one’s said anything?’

‘To me? I’ve not seen anyone …’ Well, it’s not a lie.

Billy looks at me and sucks in his cheeks before blowing them out again. ‘It doesn’t mean anything if I read it.’

‘Exactly,’ I shrug, as though it’s no big deal.

He nods thoughtfully, clearly tempted by the idea of giving the script a once over. A sigh follows, and I know he’s warming to the idea.

‘I don’t want you thinking –’

‘I won’t be thinking anything,’ I interrupt, not wanting him to feel he has to apologize for something I’m talking him into doing. ‘Might as well see if you like it before we all get into a flap.’

‘Wise words,’ Billy says, leaping from the chair and giving me a kiss, before heading out of the door with a spring in his step, presumably eager to retrieve the script from wherever Dee has put it.

I grip the sofa to steady myself and take a deep breath. Even though I know I’m doing the right thing I can’t stop the fear from forming and trying to take over.

Two hours later, when I’m on the sofa trying to read Thomas Hardy’s
Jude the Obscure
(and failing to block out thoughts of Billy and the movie, as he silently reads next to me), Billy turns over the last page of the script and exhales loudly.

‘Bloody hell …’ he whispers, looking at the blank back page.

‘Good?’ I ask casually over the top of my book, though my heart is pounding.

‘Unbelievable,’ he says, his face moving into a thoughtful frown as he lifts the bound manuscript and cradles it in his arms, looking extremely protective over the thing he wanted nothing to do with just hours before.

‘Thoughts?’ I ask, longing to know more about whether or not he’s going to take this role – and whether we’re going to be forced into being apart.

He shakes his head, unable to look at me.

‘It’s all right,’ I say, nudging his leg with my own. I need
him to know that, whatever happens, I’m still going to be supportive. After all, reading the script was my idea.

‘Shit …’ Billy mutters, looking desperately torn as he shakes his head and burrows his face into his hand.

‘Billy …’

‘I shouldn’t have read it,’ he mumbles.

‘Yes, you should’ve.’

‘I should’ve burnt it or –’

‘You did the right thing, and I think you’ll do the right thing again now you’ve read it.’

‘But it’s filming here,’ he says, unable to hide the panic and desperation in his voice. He seems paler than ever as he stews over what I’ve been thinking about since he turned over the first page of the script for
The Pious
.

Of course, I suspected it was going to be every inch as fantastic as they said. Their passion felt like more than just cocky industry talk, even to an outsider like me. That’s why I knew he had to read it, because I didn’t want Julie to be right and for Billy to forever resent the time he took off to spend with me.

‘Billy, we’ll cope,’ I say. Resting my hand on his thigh, I give it a little squeeze of reassurance.

‘It won’t be easy,’ he says, looking up at me with his dark Bambi-like eyes.

‘Nothing worth having ever is,’ I shrug.

‘You sure you’d be OK with it, though? I won’t be leaving you in the lurch at the shop?’

‘You were only really there as eye candy. It’ll probably be a lot quieter without you anyway,’ I joke, making him smile.

‘And you won’t be able to just stay here with me?’ he
asks sadly, knowing the answer before he finishes asking the question.

‘If Molly was around she’d be packing my suitcases and kicking me out the door straight away,’ I laugh. ‘But things are different now. I have to be there. It’s my business,’ I say, smiling pensively. I realize Julie was at least right about one thing – I’m pinned down and unable to just mindlessly follow him around. Not that I’d find much happiness in that scenario, anyway.

‘I know …’ he nods, reaching over to tuck some of my hair behind my ear, his warm hand resting on the back of my neck. ‘Let’s not panic until we know more.’

‘Always good to know what there is to worry about first,’ I nod.

‘Exactly,’ he agrees, still looking torn, his own words clearly not making the decision any easier for him. ‘You would tell me though, if you really didn’t want me to do it?’

‘Billy!’ I sigh, taking his hand and cupping it in my own. ‘I made you read the bloody thing, didn’t I?’

‘I just want you to be happy.’

‘And I want
us
to be happy. It’s no good just having one happy person in a relationship. That’s not how they work,’ I say, hearing the truth in my own words.

‘Fair point.’

‘So, what happens next?’ I want to move the conversation forward before I have a chance to backtrack on everything I’ve said. Or cry again.

‘I guess I call Ralph or Richard. See if they still want me,’ Billy half laughs, shaking his head.

‘And then you’ll have to tell your mum. I’m sure the
news will cheer her up,’ I smile, remembering I’m not meant to be aware of anything that’s happened since she stormed off at lunch.

‘Thank you, Sophie,’ he says, putting the script down and throwing both arms around me. ‘I promise I’ll do anything I can to make this as easy as possible for both of us. I meant what I said last night. You’re my forever.’

‘And you’re mine,’ I smile, although there’s a cynicism in me that’s grown over the years, that’s taught me that forever usually comes with a limited timespan. Look at Molly, Colin and my mum. They all thought they’d found their forever loves. In reality, forever only lasts for as long as it’s allowed to, until something else steps in and stops it from existing. Although that’s a dangerous train of thought to dwell on – it’s much better to embrace the now and live within whatever moment I’m in. ‘So what’s it about?’ I ask, tilting my head towards the script.

Billy blows air through his lips in response and leans back into the sofa.

‘Sounds great,’ I laugh.

‘There’s just so much to it. It’s like
The Matrix
meets
Avatar
, meets … I actually don’t know how to finish that sentence. But, I guess it’s about having a purpose beyond our expectations.’

‘Right.’

‘You have to read it.’

‘I will,’ I promise, hoping I’ll be able to get my head around the concept. ‘So what first? Your mum or Ralph?’

‘Ralph!’ Billy says, reaching for Ralph’s business card that was paper-clipped to the front of the script. ‘Mum can stew a little longer.’

‘I’ll leave you to it,’ I say, grabbing my phone and walking out the door.

Not wanting to be in the house where I might bump into people, I head for the decked area next to the swimming pool, the section with the comfier chairs. It’s dark, but lit with the soft glow from subtly placed (and expensive-looking) lamps. I unlock my phone, scroll through my contacts and call my own mum.

‘Hello?’ she croaks, sounding apprehensive and distant.

My first instinct is to worry that something’s happened, that something has set her off balance, but then I remember the time back in England. ‘Mum, I’m so sorry,’ I whisper.

‘Sophie, it’s you,’ she breathes, allowing me to hear the smile that’s formed on her lips from hearing my voice.

‘I forgot about the time …’ I mutter sheepishly.

‘Don’t you worry, I couldn’t sleep anyway.’

‘Really?’

‘No, and I missed actually speaking to you at midnight,’ she continues. ‘It didn’t feel right not talking to you again.’

As we were seeing in the New Year seven hours after the UK, I managed to speak to them just before
their
midnight. I’ll be honest, I was surprised they were all awake still but they seemed to be on a total sugar high.

‘How was your night?’ she asks.

‘Great. Really lovely, actually.’

‘And today?’

‘Good,’ I fib, realizing my mum doesn’t need to know about Julie’s meltdown (the fewer people who know about that the better) and that she really doesn’t need to hear that she doesn’t think I’m a good fit for her son. ‘What about you guys?’

‘Colin talked us all into getting fish and chips and we’ve had yet another day walking about in the cold and relaxing on the sofa in front of the fire.’

‘Sounds heavenly,’ I smile, a huge part of me wishing I was there doing the same. ‘Crap, I’ve not woken Colin too, have I?’

‘No,’ Mum laughs. ‘He took them back to theirs tonight.’

‘Oh thank goodness,’ I sigh, feeling less guilty.

‘I’m going to meet him at the shop tomorrow. I think the kids are going to come in too as they’re still off school.’

‘Lovely,’ I say, trying to ignore the pang of longing that hits me, from wanting both to be with my family, and to be back in my safe haven of the shop.

‘Although we have started talking about a few important things …’ Mum continues hesitantly.

‘Like what?’

‘Like where we’ll live,’ she says, pausing for a reaction.

‘Oh?’ is all I can manage.

‘We’ve not made any set plans or anything like that, but we know that we don’t want to be living apart once we’re married. It would be nice to be under one roof.’

‘Well, I guess that’s a fairly normal thing to happen for a man and wife.’

‘Yes. Daunting though, isn’t it? Very … final.’

‘You don’t need to sell the house, Mum. And there’s really no rush to do anything either,’ I say, not wanting to think too heavily about the possibility of having to say goodbye to my pink bedroom and my childhood home.

‘Oh, I know. Just have to give myself some time to get my head around it,’ she says slowly.

‘Yes, and remember why you want to do it. We’re moving forward, Mum. And that’s always a good thing,’ I say, reassuring myself as well as her.

‘No point just living with the ghosts from the past, got to let some humans in too,’ she chuckles, a sound I’m happy to hear. ‘How’s it been there, anyway? Is it beautiful?’

‘LA is stunning and hot,’ I say, looking out at the stunning view, with the lights of the city laid out in front of me.

‘I’m so jealous. It’s miserable here.’

‘No snow yet?’

‘Just rain,’ she grumbles. ‘Wish we’d hijacked your holiday.’

‘You should’ve done,’ I say, finding myself thinking about how differently I’d feel if I had my supportive patchwork of a family by my side.

‘Is Billy loving it?’

‘Yes,’ I nod. ‘It’s so funny seeing him here. It’s a different world to Rosefont, that’s for sure.’

‘Bad different?’

‘No,’ I say, thinking about the fun I’ve managed to have here already. ‘It’s just not a quaint little village tucked away in the countryside. It’s huge for a start and we have to drive everywhere because it’s all so spread out … Then there’s the press.’

‘They’re not hounding you, are they? Because I keep seeing lots of pictures everywhere. Looks like they’re permanently on your case.’

‘It’s not that bad. Just not what I’m used to … but the place, the food, the people – that’s all great,’ I add quickly.

‘So you’d be happy to go back there? You’ve not been scared off?’

‘Of course,’ I find myself saying, failing to tell her that it’s likely I’ll be back out here sooner rather than later thanks to Billy’s new opportunity.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, as I’m woken up by Billy placing a blanket over my body and squishing in next to me on the chair, his arm wrapping around me as his face nuzzles into my neck.

‘How’d it go?’ I murmur, slowly waking up.

‘Brilliantly. I spoke to Ralph – he was chuffed.’

‘Ha! There’s a surprise,’ I smile.

‘I didn’t realize, but they’re keen to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible.’

‘Really?’ I ask, his words waking me up more.

‘Now they’ve got me on board they’re hoping everything else will slot into place.’

‘So when do they think they’ll start filming?’

‘March, but they’ve asked if I’d be here for some screen tests with other actors they’ve already seen, and then come back for training in February …’

‘Training?’

‘There’s lots of stunts. It’s quite physical.’

‘Sounds full on,’ I say, trying to sound as positive as possible. ‘When are they doing the screen tests?’

‘There’s the annoying bit,’ Billy sighs. ‘They were hoping to contact a few agents and get people in before we head back, but I’m not sure that’s going to be possible, so I might have to stay out here for another couple of weeks.’

‘So I’d have to fly home without you?’ I practically squeak.

‘Soph, I’m so sorry …’

‘No, no – that’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it. I thought
these things usually take a bit more time to arrange,’ I say, though inside I feel as though something’s breaking. I hadn’t realized I’d talked him into doing something that would have such an instant effect on our lives – I thought I’d at least have a month or so to prepare.

‘I’m sure they could reschedule a bit –’

‘I think they’ve been chasing after you quite enough,’ I say, not wanting to make things any more difficult for him or them. ‘We’ll cope.’

‘Well, we still have at least a week here before you have to go home, anyway. I promise I’m not letting you out of my sight the whole time you’re here,’ he says softly, kissing me on the cheek.

‘There’s a lovely thought,’ I reply.