Always Us (We Were Us Series Book 2) (15 page)

I made a beeline for the kitchen and made several trips to and from the car before all the food was put away. I left a package of pasta and a jar of sauce on the counter for later. It was only mid-morning, but I wanted to leave it as a reminder to cook it later.

The intensity of the past thirty minutes had caught up with me. I slumped over the counter and stood with my head against the cool countertop, my arms encircled my head. I held my breath to stop the tears, but it was no use, the squeezed their way out of my tightly closed eyes.

“Jenna, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Josh shuffled up behind me and rested his hand on my back.

I didn't turn to him. I stood up straight and pinched the bridge of my nose to stem even more irrational tears that threatened behind my eyes.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

The tears won and I buried my face in Josh's flannel shirt when he spun me around by my shoulders. Everything I’d been suppressing for the last four months flooded my mind. I couldn’t hold back anymore.

“I’m so sorry Josh. I just wanted a fresh start away from Riverview. I had known that it was a mistake to go back last summer, but I did anyway. And then you and me and then the whole thing with Michelle. It was a lot to take in.” I didn’t know what I was trying to say to him. I was so overwhelmed at the moment. I thought I’d reconciled myself with the guilt and stupidity of my actions, but just telling yourself that you’re over it wasn’t enough.

“I am upset about my mom. I’m finally realizing that she’s gone forever and I’m having a hard time admitting that I’m sad about it. I spent so much time hating her so now that’s my automatic default emotion when I think about her. Some small part of me loved her and hoped that one day she’d make a change for the better. Hoped that she realize her mistakes and apologize for the way she’d treated me. But she never did. I never got to reconcile with her. The last time I saw her it ended in a fight. The last phone call I had with her did too. I wish I’d been able to tell her I loved her one last time. She deserved that. She deserved to know that she was loved.”

My heart ached for my mother and what we never had. It ached for Josh and his mother for what they will be losing. I felt broken for the relationships lost because of the drug trade in this God forsaken town.

All I could do was weep into Josh’s chest.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“What happened between this morning and going to the store?”

I knew that I couldn’t be making any sense. I had been fine this morning, chipper even. And now I was a sobbing mess.

“I saw him at the grocery store,” I sobbed.

“Who?” he asked. He pushed me back so he could look at my face.

“Mayor Banks. He was there in hideous sweat pants and greasy hair. He told me to leave town and that I wasn’t welcome here.” I hiccupped and swallowed back more tears.

“Don’t ever go back to that store. Ever. Don’t even leave the house while you’re here. You don’t need that.” He crushed me against him in a hug. I wasn’t going to argue with that.

“So, can I stay here all Christmas break?” I’d been thinking about staying in Riverview over Christmas break.

Andrew was no doubt mad at me now since I’d be missing his family dinner. Lauren could drive Michelle back home, no problem even though I’d said I’d take them both. There was no point in me driving all the way back to Brookhaven just to turn around and come back. Besides, Michelle would make me stay at her house, and I wanted to stay with Josh. I wanted to belong to a family, one I already knew, one who already loved me.

                                                                                                  ***

I’d made the spaghetti for dinner that I’d set out earlier. It had gone over with rave reviews. I’d saved the left overs and baked chicken the next night and decided on a small ham for Christmas Eve dinner. Growing up, Michelle had invited me over to her house for dinner on Christmas Day after they’d opened all their gifts as a family. She’d inevitably give me one of her gifts, or something she no longer needed or wanted. She was never a materialistic person and expressed to me several times how she hated opening gifts on Christmas and would rather have taken them to a shelter or donated the money that had been spent on something more important than filling her room with more things.

I wouldn’t be exchanging any gifts this year. I didn’t have anything to give, and I wouldn’t be chancing a trip to the only store in town. Instead, I’d decided to give myself to Josh and his mom. The cooking was my gift. Filling the fridge with home cooked meals was worth more than a new CD or a cookbook that Mrs. Riley would never get to use.

Josh and I spent most of the next two days putting up their Christmas tree. Mrs. Riley had wanted it up but didn’t want to bother Josh with the task since he’d been working so hard taking care of her and the house. But now that I was here, she felt that it was a more reasonable request. Josh was hesitant at first, but resigned to that fact that he couldn’t argue with two women about Christmas decorations.

On Christmas Eve, the three of us were sitting on the couch, contemplating the merits of watching A Christmas Story versus White Christmas. Again, Josh was at odds with his mom and me. We wanted to watch White Christmas and he wanted A Christmas Story.

We were still debating when I noticed how tired Mrs. Riley was looking. She wasn’t keeping up with the conversation and had slouched into the couch.

“Josh,” I interrupted his argument for his movie choice. When he acknowledged me, I cocked my head towards his mom. He glanced at her and nodded his head.

“Let’s just call it a night,” he said.

“What? No,” Mrs. Riley protested. “I can stay up for a movie.”

“Mom, it’s fine. We’ll let you sleep.”

“Wait, it’s Christmas Eve, you guys should go to church,” Mrs. Riley said. It was hard for her to speak above a whisper at this point. I was all for going just to appease her, but Josh didn’t look as willing.

“Mom, we can just stay here and do Christmas Eve together. We’ll watch your movie.”

“We can do Christmas stuff after you get back. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just sleep the whole time.”

Josh still looked unsure about leaving his mother.

“It’s only for an hour,” I interjected and smiled at her.

“Please, go. I need to rest anyway. You’ll be bored here for an hour. At least get out of the house.”

“Okay, we’ll go.” Josh had agreed, but he wasn’t happy about it.

“Jenna,” Mrs. Riley called for me.

“Yes?” I walked over and sat next to her. I grabbed her hands, they were ice cold, and so I wrapped them in mine.

“I don’t think you have any clothes here other than what you’ve been wearing, do you?”

I laughed. I didn’t have any other clothes, but I did have some stray pieces, including underwear, in my car. I was suddenly grateful for having to trek across town to do laundry, and the fact that I never cleaned out my car.

“I don’t have anything nice,” I said.

“We were about the same size at one point, go look in my closet. You could find a dress or something, even if you have to cinch the belt a little tighter than I do.” She winked at me. I laughed again.

Josh had been pacing around the living room anxiously.

I got up off the couch and pulled him with me too his mom’s room. He needed a distraction. I wasn’t intentionally taking him away from his mom, but he had been working so hard at work and then taking care of his mom, that he did need a little break, even Mrs. Riley thought so, so I didn’t feel too bad about it.

“I feel weird trying on your mom’s clothes,” I said when he’d closed the door.

“I feel weird having you try on her clothes.” He sat on the end of the bed and pulled me between his legs so that he was staring at my belly.

We both sat in silence for a minute weighing the gravity of what I was doing. I was looking through my ex-boyfriend’s, dying mother’s clothing so we can attend a Christmas Eve church service per said dying mother’s request.

I mean, I guess it’s not that horrible of a situation, but it’s still strange.

I sifted through the closet, trying to see what was in the back of the closet, thinking that if I found something in the back, it wasn’t something Mrs. Riley wore a lot.

I heard Josh sigh behind me so I pulled out of the closet and walked over to where he was sitting on the bed.

“Why don’t you go get dressed? Its 5:00 and the service starts at 6:00.” I ruffled his hair.

“Okay.”

He strode out of the bedroom, leaving the door open behind me.

“Nice slacks and a button up!” I called after him. He didn’t respond, but I knew he heard me.

I dove back into the closet and found a simple red dress with capped sleeves. I also found a pair of black tights in the dresser and a pair of ballet flats that were half a size too small, but a squeezed into them anyway. I quickly changed, ran a comb through my hair, and used the makeup that had been left on the dresser to fix my face.

With one last look in the mirror and a tug at the hem of the dress, I returned to the living room to wait for Josh. 

“You look lovely,” she whispered to me.

“Thank you. You have great taste in clothing,” I replied.

“I wore that dress to Josh’s high school graduation.

“Really? I love it.”

“You look better in it than I did.” She laughed and then coughed. I made a move to help her, but she waved me off. I was helpless. “I’m okay. I promise,” she said after she’d stopped coughing.

Josh appeared in the living room. He wore black slacks and a white shirt. Pretty basic, but he looked extremely handsome. His hair was fluffed up in a way he hadn’t done it before.

“Nice hair,” I said.

He stroked it down, but it popped back up again.

“I like it,” I affirmed because I think he thought I was making fun of him. I definitely wasn’t.

I stood up and joined him, letting his mom appraise us.

“You two look spectacular. I’m so glad I got to see you two dressed up together.” She clasped her hands together and smiled at us. A small tear trickled down her gaunt face.

“Mom, you don’t have to cry,” Josh said and hugged her.

“I know, but I’m just so happy you’ve reconciled.”

I was instantly embarrassed and ashamed again of my actions over the last few months.

“Let’s go,” Josh said.

There’s a black pea coat in the closet, Jenna. It’s chilly outside.” I hugged Mrs. Riley too, and we clamored out the door and into his truck.

“Which church are we going to?” I asked. Once we’d gotten into the truck.

“Which one do you want to go to?”

“Which one would your mom want us to go to?”

“The small Christian church at the top of the hill.”

“Then let’s go there.”

I scooted over to the middle seat while he started the engine. He placed his hand on my leg as we pulled out of his driveway and it stayed there until we turned into the gravel parking lot of the Christian church.

It was short drive to the small country church. Riverview was built in a low valley. Most of the houses were nestled down the hill from the main highway that past the dying town. But a few houses were built at the top of the hill. There wasn’t any grandeur to boast about at the top of the hill. The houses weren’t better than those at the bottom of the hill, but I know some people who liked to think that way.

We pulled into the parking lot and ended up having to park in the grassy lawn of the house next door because the gravel parking lot was so full. Either no one lived there or they didn’t care about cars parking on their lawn.

The church itself was small and boasted no more than 60 people each Sunday. But today, judging by the parking lot, I think we’d be lucky to find a seat. 

An organ was playing
O Holy Nigh
t as we entered the double front doors. People were milling around, getting children situated and flitting in and out of what I think I remembered as the kitchen. Coffee was brewing and I silently prayed that there would be enough for me to have a cup.

We hung our coats on the coat rack and filed into the sanctuary behind an elderly couple. I recognized their faces, but I couldn’t tell you their names if my life depended on it. The man turned around and locked eyes with me.

“Jenna,” his smile was warm and genuine.

“Hi,” I said back. I was kicking myself for not being better at remembering names.

“I heard about your mother. I’m sorry to hear it,” he lowered his eyes in sincerity.

“It’s okay.” I was touched by his words even though they were simple.

“The death of a parent can be devastating. You seem to be taking it well,” he seemed surprised by the way I dismissed his condolence.

“She and I weren’t very close.” I shook my head and glanced up at Josh. His face was like stone. I knew he was thinking of his own mother.

We’d made it into the sanctuary. It was a small room with pews on either side of a center aisle and a stage up front with a pulpit off to one side. A piano and an organ flanked either side of the stage with a giant Christmas tree blocking the piano. A willowy, grey haired woman sat hunched over the organ, her eyes dancing over the pages of music as her fingers played each note flawlessly.

“In either case, it is a loss of life,” the old man muttered on.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I thanked him and moved around him when he sat in the back row with his wife.

Josh and I sat in the middle section on the end. We both opened the program we’d been handed at the front door and skimmed the night’s events. The children’s youth group was singing a few songs as well as some congregation members. Another person was playing the flute and her mother, I guessed, would play the violin.

The lights dimmed as the young pastor took the stage. He introduced himself, thanked the organ player, and then invited the kids up to the stage. His wife situated the fifteen or so kids on the stage, then started the music.

Off key voices filled the small sanctuary. One tiny, blonde girl no more than three, hopped around the stage to her own beat. It reminded me or me when I was younger. I’d never been good at following instructions and I couldn’t sing worth a lick. I laughed to myself as I watched her.

Josh nudged me and pointed her out, “remember when we did this?” he asked.

I did. I used to walk to the church for Christmas and Easter and sit with Josh and his mom. I can’t believe I’d forgotten about it. And even though I hadn’t practiced the songs with the other kids, I was still invited to sing along. I heard from someone once, that if you didn’t know the words to a song, mouth
watermelon
and no one will know that you aren’t singing the right words, so that’s what I did.

“Yeah,” I said and smiled.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. The mother and daughter team was fantastic as well as the other singers. One woman read a poem, and finally the preacher took the stage. His message was short and to the point. Jesus came to the earth as a baby, to save us all from our sins. I’d never been a religious person. In fact I tended to just create my own belief system and pulled some from Buddhism, Christianity, and some things I swear I’d made up in my head. I didn’t know much about any religion, but I did know that love always won out in the end.

The service ended with an A Cappella rendition of Silent Night and then we were dismissed. There were cookies and hot beverages in the back so I made a beeline for the coffee. Josh didn’t keep any at the house and I hadn’t thought to get any at the store while I’d been there.