Always (Spiral of Bliss #5) (19 page)

“Yeah.” Archer gives me a half grin as he stuffs his phone back into his pocket. “But she’s not saying no to
me.
”

I shake my head. “Man, I don’t get it. You love someone
that much
, you get married. What’s her problem? Liv said yes right away… well, even though my first proposal was lame.”

“We’re not you and Liv,” Archer reminds me. “You didn’t go through what we did. And you didn’t have a fan club and producers trying to ratchet up your ratings for a TV show.”

“What’s that got to do with marrying your girl?”

“Nothing. That’s the point. But Kelsey still needs to figure that out.” Archer shrugs. “No matter what else comes along, it’s always been about me and her, you know?”

I do know. More than I can even say.

“Dean?” A male voice comes from the corridor.

Archer and I look up as the surgeon enters the room. I can’t read his expression. A knot tightens in my chest, every nerve ending jumping to full alert. Time stretches and expands as Dr. Turner crosses to where we’re sitting.

“The surgery went well,” he says, sitting in a chair beside me. “Liv is in recovery.”

My heart is beating too fast. I have that panicked sense of imminent danger.

Something is wrong.

“Are there any results yet?” I ask.

“The pathologist did a quick assessment of the sentinel node.” The doctor’s expression doesn’t change. “The preliminary results did show the presence of cancer cells, so I removed more lymph nodes for testing.”

My blood freezes. The walls close in on me from all sides, the floor and ceiling compressing and crushing the air from my lungs.

“And?” Archer asks the doctor.

“Three of the nodes tested positive for cancer,” Dr. Turner says. “The last three were negative.”

“That… that means it’s spread,” I manage to say.

“To three nodes. They’ll undergo more testing along with the tumor itself. Then we need to make a decision about further surgery and treatment.”

I lower my elbows to my knees and pull in a ragged breath. I’ve done the research. I know that
lymph node positive
breast cancer means a worse prognosis.

Past the roaring in my ears, I hear Archer’s voice again as he speaks to the doctor. “Can he see her yet?”

“Yes.” Dr. Turner pushes to his feet. “Dean, I’ll take you in to her. The pathologist will give us a more detailed report as soon as possible.”

I start to follow him out, then turn back to Archer. His expression is grave. I try to say something, but the words stick in my throat as if they’re choking me. Archer shakes his head.

“Go on, man,” he says. “I’ll call Kelsey and see you later.”

I manage to get the word “thanks” out before following the doctor to the recovery room. There are a dozen questions I need to ask in response to what he just told me—but right now, I only want to see my wife.

She looks impossibly vulnerable lying against the stark white pillows of the hospital bed, her eyes closed. There’s an IV still stuck in her arm, an oxygen cannula under her nose, and a white bandage visible beneath her gown.

I pull a chair up to the side of the bed and touch her hand. Her eyelashes flutter. She opens her eyes and turns to face me.

“Hi,” she whispers.

“Hi.” I cover her hand with mine. “How do you feel?”

“Lighter,” she says wryly.

I manage a hoarse chuckle and rest my forehead against her hip. She winds her fingers into my hair.

“Really, though,” she says, “it does feel like he took something bad out of me.”

“He did.”

Her fingers tighten on my hair. “Do we know anything about the lymph nodes yet?”

I curl my fist into her cotton gown. I almost don’t tell her. If I don’t tell her, maybe it won’t be real. Maybe it will just go the fuck away.

“Dean?”

“They… they had to remove six lymph nodes.” I force my fingers to spread over her thigh, feeling the warmth of her body beneath the hospital gown. “Three of them tested positive. But only three.”

Liv doesn’t respond. I lift my head to look at her. Her eyes are closed. I straighten, reaching out to brush away the tear trickling down into her hair.

She turns her head away from me.

“I knew it.” Her voice is a hoarse whisper. “I knew.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

DEAN

ONLY NICHOLAS AND BELLA CAN FORCE
me away from Liv. She’s scheduled to be discharged tomorrow morning, and I haven’t seen our kids since Kelsey took them out for breakfast. Feels like a thousand years ago. I say goodbye to Liv, trying to leave her with some words of comfort, and return home.

Claire has picked up the kids from school and is arranging several containers of food in the refrigerator. The smell of something good cooking fills the air.

“Hey, how did it go?” Claire asks. “How’s Liv?”

I can hardly answer her. Don’t want to.

“Okay. She’ll be home tomorrow.”

It’s the only thought that makes me feel better. I pull off my suit jacket and nod toward the containers on the central island.

“What’s all that?”

“A few of the other mothers brought stuff over so you guys don’t have to worry about cooking for a few nights,” Claire explains, taking several plates from the cupboard. “But I thought I’d make you a fresh home-cooked meal tonight. I’m actually not a horrible cook.”

“You could brush up on your self-advertising skills, though,” I remark.

She laughs and waves a dishtowel toward the oven. “Okay. Tonight I have prepared for you a baked ziti with tangy marinara sauce, provolone and mozzarella cheeses, and creamy ricotta. Aside from being delicious, this dish is both kid and professor friendly.”

“Much better,” I say. “And it sounds great. Thanks.”

“My pleasure.”

Claire turns to check on the casserole in the oven. I go into the family room where my children are watching cartoons. They fly at me with hugs, and then I sit on the sofa and explain that Mom’s surgery went well and she’ll be home soon.

“Did it hurt?” Nicholas asks.

“She was in a kind of sleep when they did the surgery, so she didn’t feel anything then, but I think it hurts a little now. We have to do our best to help her out and be careful of her bandage.”

“Mommy has owie?” Bella asks.

I look at my daughter and nod. “Yes, honey. She has an owie. But it’ll get better soon.”

“Poor Mommy.”

My throat constricts. I rub my hand over Bella’s hair and head upstairs to change into jeans and a T-shirt. When I return to the kitchen, Claire is taking the casserole out of the oven.

“It just needs a few minutes to cool.” Claire lifts the lid of a pot steaming on the stove. “I’m also making you my most excellent Italian green beans, seasoned with garlic and balsamic vinegar.”

“You really don’t have to go to the trouble.”

“I want to.” Claire stirs the pot and smiles at me. “Being well-fed is part of feeling good, you know? Besides, these are almost done.”

Nicholas comes in to show me a Lego spaceship he’s constructed with spare parts, then starts complaining that he’s hungry.

“Go on and sit down,” Claire tells him. “We’re ready to eat.”

Much as I appreciate Claire’s help, I don’t like having a family dinner without Liv. Hell, I don’t even like being in the house without Liv. But Claire keeps the kids entertained with stories about the pranks she used to pull on her younger brother, which at least keeps them distracted from their mother’s absence.

After dinner, she and I clean the kitchen. She comes up beside me, leaning over to put empty plates in the sink.

“I thought I’d take the kids out for dessert,” she says. “Would that be okay?”

“Sure.”

“You should come with us,” she suggests. “I know it’s been a rough day for you.”

“I have a few papers I need to finish grading.” I toss the dishtowel on the counter. “Hold on, I’ll get you some cash.”

I get my wallet from my suit jacket and give her a twenty. She goes to announce the outing to the kids.

“Dad, come on,” Nicholas says, tugging at my hand. “Please come with us.”

The request coming from my son isn’t one I can refuse. We get the kids bundled into their coats before heading out to the car. I drive to the Boxcar Deli, an old favorite with its many varieties of homemade pie.

“Can I have extra ice cream with mine?” Nicholas asks the teenaged waitress, who responds with a smile.

“If your mom says it’s okay, then yes.” She looks expectantly at Claire, whose mouth opens in surprise.

“She’s not my mom,” Nicholas says, rolling his eyes as if that fact should be obvious.

“Mommy has owie,” Bella announces.

“Oh, sorry.” The waitress blushes and looks at me with apology. “I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay.” I shake my head dismissively. “He can have extra ice cream.”

“Yay!” Nicholas cheers and pumps his fists in the air.

“Me too,” Bella says.

“You too, Snowbell,” I agree.

The waitress scribbles down the request and mumbles that she’ll be back soon with our orders. After she’s gone, Claire looks at me and laughs.

“That was weird,” she remarks.

I shrug and turn my attention to helping Bella take the wrapping off her straw.

“So how long have you and Liv been married?” Claire asks.

“Ten years this July. Staying together for life.”

“Nice. That’s not something you hear very often. Where did you meet?”

“The University of Wisconsin.” I’m not sure why I don’t want to discuss Liv with this young woman who is helping take care of my children.

But I don’t.

“Were you both working there?” Claire asks.

“I was a visiting professor,” I explain. “She was a student.”

“Oh.” Claire looks somewhat surprised. “Well, that sounds romantic.”

It was. Always will be.

“Uncle Archer!” Nicholas suddenly knocks on the window and waves.

I follow his gaze to where Archer and Kelsey are crossing the street, both carrying shopping bags and holding hands. Relieved, I gesture for them to come in.

Archer makes a face at Nicholas as they approach the front door. I get up to give Kelsey my seat and pull a couple of chairs up to the booth.

“Where are you guys headed?” I ask.

“Just out Christmas shopping.” Kelsey unwinds her scarf and sits down, squeezing my arm in silent commiseration. “I went to see Liv earlier. She looks good and says she feels pretty good too. Hopefully the recovery won’t be too bad.”

Though her tone is casual—for Nicholas and Bella’s sake, I know—I see the concern in her eyes, the dismay over the news that the cancer has spread to Liv’s lymph nodes.

“She’ll be home tomorrow,” I say.

I can’t wait. I want her home now.

“The waitress thought Claire was our mom,” Nicholas tells Archer with a snort of derision.

“That’s just silly,” Archer remarks, then glances at Claire. “Uh, no offense.”

“None taken,” she replies. “I guess it was an easy mistake to make. Dean was just telling me about how he and Liv met. Ten years of marriage is an amazing thing.”

“And they got married at a villa in the south of France,” Kelsey says.

“We could do that,” Archer suggests.

“Are you getting married?” Claire asks.

“No.”

“Yes.”

Archer and Kelsey both speak at the same time, then exchange glances that are amused and challenging. Claire looks confused.

“Long story,” I tell her.

“You should not get married,” Nicholas tells Archer. “Then you’d have to
kiss.
”

“Ew,” Bella agrees, returning her attention to coloring her placemat.

“Dude, one day you’ll like kissing.” Archer rubs his knuckles over Nicholas’s head.

Nicholas doesn’t look convinced. The waitress reappears to take Kelsey and Archer’s orders, then returns with a tray filled with slices of apple pie and cherry pie.

After eating and talking about Christmas plans, Nicholas and Bella ask for quarters to put in the toy machines at the front of the deli. I give them some coins, and Kelsey goes with them to operate the machines.

“Hey, if you need me over winter break, I’ll be around,” Claire tells me, as I pull some cash from my wallet to pay the bill. “I used to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family in Chicago, but we broke up over the summer so I’m staying here.”

“Okay, I’ll let you know.”

Claire slides out of the booth and goes to join the kids and Kelsey. Archer glances at me as he shrugs back into his coat.

“Watch out for her, man,” he mutters.

“What?”

“That one.” Archer tilts his head to where Claire is putting a quarter into a machine. “She’s got something for you.”

I stare at him. “The fuck? We hired her because Liv has
cancer
.”

The word burns my throat like battery acid.

“Yeah, I know,” Archer says. “I’m just saying.”

“Well, don’t,” I snap. “That’s fucked up.”

Archer shakes his head. “Man, people can be fucked up. You know that as well as I do.”

A humorless laugh breaks out of me. Yeah, I do know that. Archer and I learned that lesson when we were too young.

But this?

No way. I can’t believe something like that. I won’t.

I go to corral the kids and get them zipped back into their coats. As we walk to the door, Kelsey takes my arm and tugs, slowing me down and letting the others move ahead.

“Did you hear anything else from the doctor?” she asks in a low voice.

I shake my head. “We won’t have the pathology results for at least another week, if not longer because of the holidays. Christ, Kelsey… the original biopsy showed it was early stage, but the fucking thing has
spread.
”

What if it’s worse than they think? What if it’s in her chest, her lungs, her bones…

Terror claws at my insides. Kelsey tightens her grip on my arm.

“Dean—”

I can’t stand to hear any words of consolation or reassurance because there are none.

I pull away from Kelsey and walk to the door. Outside it’s starting to snow, soft flakes collecting on the trees and pavement, multicolored lights draped all along the street. If Liv were here, she’d suggest we take a walk to look at the holiday decorations in the store windows.

Bella is half a block away, her gloved hand in Claire’s, every other step punctuated by a happy little skip. Overhead, the stars shine bright and cold, like knife points in the pitch-black sky.