Always on My Mind (32 page)

Casper wanted to wrap her in his arms for her courage, the way she blamed no one, simply stood in the truth.

Then her gaze dropped to Ivy. “I had a girl and named her Layla.”

“You named her?” Grace said and every eye turned to her.

“You knew about this?” John asked.

“Of course she did, John. Raina lived with her for months.” This from Ingrid, who’d risen and now came over to Raina. “Honey. Uh . . .” She frowned. “Is . . . ?”

“I gave her up for adoption.”

Ingrid’s mouth opened. Then closed, her hand going over it. She shook her head even as her eyes turned bright.

Casper slid a hand over his mother’s shoulder. “But the adoption fell through. Raina is going to raise the child herself.”

He watched as the news played over Ingrid’s face. She frowned, then looked at Raina, back to him. “I don’t
 
—I don’t understand. You knew about the baby?”

“He showed up on my doorstep the day Raina gave birth,” Grace said.

“You knew about this the entire time, and you never said a word?” Their father’s voice dropped, dark and dangerously quiet.
His gaze landed on both Casper and Grace. Then it stopped on Raina.

Casper’s grip tightened in hers. “It wasn’t my secret to tell,” he said.

“He and I had a terrible fight about it. He said it wasn’t fair to Owen not to know
 
—”

“Owen doesn’t know?” This from Darek, and Casper gave him a sharp warning look.

“I was going to tell him . . . I mean, I should have. But then he left and I . . .” Raina swallowed, and Casper squeezed her hand. “I don’t love him.”

“But he’s the father of your child,” John said, and Casper transferred his warning look to his father.

“What?” John asked him. “Owen is the father of her child. We can’t get away from that. I mean, I understand
 
—” He sighed, his voice softening. “I know you love her. But it’s more complicated than that. What do you think is going to happen here, Casper? That you’ll marry Raina and adopt Owen’s child?”

When he put it like that, it seemed . . . tawdry. Like they lived in some seedy soap opera. “No
 
—yes
 
—I don’t know. But we already learned from Darek’s experience that two people who make a baby together don’t necessarily belong together
 
—”

“Hey! Really?” Darek leaned down, grabbed Tiger’s hand. “Buddy, how about we get a teddy bear for your sister?”

Tiger’s eyes had gone wide at the entire conversation, and for the first time, Casper saw it the way his father seemed to. Tawdry.

Darek stopped at Ivy’s bed, kissed her. Then he turned to Raina. Smiled. “The one thing we’re forgetting in all this is . . . congratulations, Raina. Every child is a gift.”

He pressed her shoulder, glared at Casper, and took Tiger from the room.

Which left only Casper and his words lingering in the room. He exhaled. “That didn’t come out right. What I should have said is, Owen and Raina don’t love each other. We do. Which means that yeah, Owen is Layla’s biological father, but he isn’t even around
 
—nor does he want to be
 
—to be her real father. I want to be that.”

He waited for a response. His father continued to frown, and his mother’s face appeared drawn as if she was sorting through her options, her words suddenly haunting him.
I like Raina; I really do. But she is a hurt and broken soul, not a little lost.

Not anymore. He planned to be around to help her find her way back and into the future.

“What about Owen?” This from Amelia, who spoke quietly from the corner. “Doesn’t he deserve to know?”

“He does,” Raina said before Casper could jump in. “That’s why Casper’s next great treasure hunt is to find him.”

She squeezed his hand, nodding at him.

Yes. “Are you sure?” he asked quietly.

“I think the only way you or your family will have peace is to know he’s okay. And . . . to tell him about the baby. Find your brother, Casper. And then come home to me.”

He couldn’t help it, and he didn’t care what his family said or thought
 
—he bent down to kiss her, softly, purposefully. He met her beautiful eyes as he leaned away.

“Nice, Casper,” Grace said. He looked at her, and she winked.

Raina laughed, and he felt it all the way through to his bones. Sweet and buttery rich.

“Hey, Mom! Look what I got for Joy!” Tiger scampered into
the room, holding a stuffed rabbit, a bow at the neck. He shoved it toward Ivy, who took it.

“I think she’ll love it.”

Tiger leaned in, peering at the bundle. “She’s really wrinkly.”

They were laughing when Darek walked in. He glanced at Casper, eyebrow up.

“It’s all good, Bro,” Casper said.

Suddenly, from Raina
 
—and he couldn’t miss the sound of pride in her voice, sweeping over him, soaking him with heat
 
—“By the way, everyone . . . Casper found the treasure of Duncan Rothe!”

Casper’s words tossed in Raina all night, finally pursuing her out of bed and into the lounge area of the Beacon Pointe hotel to watch the sun rise over the far edge of Lake Superior. Passion red, indigo, and lavender all mottled against a ceiling of tufted clouds, the sun’s glorious, rose-gold rays like arms pushing against the gray swaddle of night.

Light defeating darkness.

And then Darek suggested I start praying for her, so I did, and . . . the short of it is, I think God kept her in my heart because He wanted us together.

God wanted them together . . . She sat in a leather club chair and drew up her knees, wrapped her arms around them, tried to let those words settle somewhere that didn’t hurt.

She opened Aggie’s diary, flipping past the details of her marriage to Thor, the skipped-over years after Otto’s birth, her grief over his death and how she gave his christening gown to the Linnells after the birth of their son, her daughter’s arrival, the move
from Mineral Springs, the opening of Haven House, a drawing of her house on the hill, the happy decades that must’ve required no reflection, and then, finally, to the last entry.

J
ULY
1982

I said good-bye to my beloved Thor today. We stood at his grave, Ginny and me, holding hands, her husband, three children, and grandchildren gathered behind her. The sky overhead arched in a triumphant cloudless blue, the sun warming a breeze through the pine trees.

A day when I would have found Thor outside, tending his hobby tomatoes or even under the hood of his old Ford, tinkering. But at the end of the day, he would have enticed me onto our deck to lounge in the Adirondack chairs facing the lake, taken my hand in his, and made me breathe in the moment. The largeness of our life.

God has been good to us. Even the cancer became a gift because it allowed me time to tell him, finally, the truth of that tragic night when he saved me from Duncan. I found his note, of course, wedged into the Bible at Job 42:5, his favorite verse, and realized he never knew the truth of that day.

Of course he didn’t. How could I tell him that I killed Duncan Rothe? It was my bullet shot from my father’s Colt revolver that found his tuxedoed breast. My father, for all his chagrin at my renegade behavior with Jean-Philippe, might have looked with approval at the lessons he gave me, especially after my vision cleared and I came to realize the truth. Duncan killed my father, stole his bonds
 
—my
bonds
 
—and intended to marry me, and perhaps cause me harm, to obtain them.

He would have gotten away with it had Thor not shown up, had he not convinced me to follow my heart. To leap out in faith.

And had I not returned to the room for the bonds, which I found in Duncan’s case
 
—along with Father’s revolver. Thor and Duncan were already engaged in fisticuffs outside the lodge, Thor more than a match for Duncan, except that Duncan had his brass knuckles. Although Thor met him without flinching, the beating hurt my soul.

Except for Thor’s brute strength, Duncan might have killed him. But Thor wrestled him to the ground, held him, forcing his breath from him.

Thor would have left him there, half-alive, had it not been for Duncan’s friend Jack, who found them both. While Duncan lay unconscious
 
—dead, to Thor’s eyes
 
—Jack attacked and knocked my beloved Thor out with two professional punches.

That is when I stepped out of the shadows and shed my fear. When I picked up Father’s weapon.

Sometimes the details blur, but I remember threatening Jack, piling Thor into his truck, driving away toward Mineral Springs, Thor’s home.

It was to my great horror that Duncan followed us. But I was no longer the shrinking debutante who fainted at the sight of Father’s blood.

I stood in the road. Confronted him. And when he came to me, blood in his eyes, I didn’t flinch.

I hid him and his roadster in the woods and escaped to Mineral Springs, hoping for absolution. What I received was a life of unmerited forgiveness from God, who gave me much more than I deserved, although, as I explained to Thor as he lay in his sickbed, I tried to be worthy of it.

He took my hand and told me what he’d said so many years earlier: we will never be worthy. But that is the point. The more I’ve come to realize this, the more I am grateful for it. The largeness of God. His grace. The love He gave me in Thor.

Yes, I have been rich beyond my wildest dreams. As for the bonds
 
—they remain my offering to the Lord, my surrender, tucked safely away in the belief that God has more for me than I can imagine.

Thor was right. Before I knew God, I had only heard of Him. But to love Him, I needed to see Him. He showed up when we lost our dear Otto and then in the joy of Virginia’s birth. He showed up as we prospered in Deep Haven and opened Haven House. And He appeared every single day in Thor’s devotion, his leading, his affirmation to look forward, into light.

I have lived large with Thor. And now I will live large without him.

Because I have so much to look forward to.

So much to look forward to.
Raina let the words echo, remembering the way Casper had stood beside her yesterday.

She reached for the Bible on the nearby side table, a Gideon edition, and flipped it open to Thor’s verse, Job 42:5.

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.”
Yes, perhaps she had seen Him.

“So this is where you’re hiding.”

Raina turned to see Ingrid easing up to her, holding two cups of coffee. Casper’s mom always looked so put together
 
—cute today in a purple fleece jacket, jeans, and running shoes.

“I’m not hiding,” Raina said.

“Mmm-hmm,” Ingrid answered, handing her a cup. “I hope you like vanilla lattes.” She sat in the other club chair. “I stopped by the room, hoping Eden might be up reading the paper, but she and her sisters apparently think they’re still in high school. I had to knock three times before Grace appeared. They had no idea where you were.”

“Eden snores,” Raina said, trying a smile. But Ingrid’s chill toward her yesterday, despite a stiff hug, lingered, setting her defenses on high.

“Yes. She always has. I hope Jace has figured out a way to sleep through it.”

Raina took a sip of the latte, letting it nourish her. The sun had advanced higher, turning the entire lake to lavender.

“I’ve had a night to think about this, Raina, and I’ve come to a conclusion.”

Raina braced herself. After all, she had damaged the lives of two of Ingrid’s sons, sent them both on the run.

“I think God handpicked Casper for this task.” She smiled then and reached out, catching Raina’s hand. “I can’t wait to meet my granddaughter.”

She hadn’t expected that and, for a second, nearly pushed her away, the affection too overwhelming, too intimate.

“Really?”

“Yes. See, from the moment Casper was born, he lived to be a brother to his siblings. I would walk into his room and he’d be standing in his crib, watching Darek. He followed him like a puppy. And then Owen arrived. I am convinced that Casper put the first hockey stick in Owen’s hands. And cheered him on, even when Owen started beating him out for playing time. Casper has an unequaled heart. But his light has always been a little eclipsed by his bookend brothers. They can steal the show, you know.”

Or tried to. Raina nodded, watching the sun turn the snow along the shoreline to gold.

“But Casper has this sunshine about him. He’s funny and sweet and loyal, and he loves to be the guy who shows up just when you need him.”

A couple of early morning runners jogged by on the boardwalk.

“Even if it hurts him.”

Oh.

Ingrid touched her arm. “More than anything, Casper needs to be needed. He has so much to give. If anyone can bridge the gap between you and Layla and Owen, it’s Casper.”

Raina saw him then, kissing baby Joy
 
—the tenderness in his eyes, the way he ran the back of his finger over her downy cheek. She smiled. “Yeah.”

“And, Raina
 
—you were also made for Casper.”