Always Been You (23 page)

“What happened after that?” asked Nikki.

“Jacob finally confessed he liked me,” I said, holding my pillow tighter to my body. “He then said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, and he kissed me. But instead of answering him, I pushed him away since I got cold feet and left.”

“If he told you he wanted to be with you, why are you avoiding him?” asked Katie, looking confused.

“I’m still scared,” I said. “There’s a part of me that’s still uneasy when it comes to Jacob. Even after I finally found out he wants me too, how do I know if this time he’s telling me the truth?”

“I think he is,” Amy smiled.

She pulled me in and tried to comfort me, but I shook her arm off my shoulders and threw my pillow across the room. It made a loud thump and fell to the floor.

“No, I…I don’t want to believe it, Amy!” I cried. “I’ve been denying his attentions and lingering looks for so long, I’m not sure if I can deal with this kind of disappointment when I find out everything that’s been happening are all lies! Seriously, how would any of you feel if you found out the guy you’ve always wanted finally admits he likes you back, but then turns it around by saying
‘Sorry, Jenna, I really was only kidding with you’
? H…how do I know that’s not what he’s going to tell me next?”

“I’m sure if you talked to Ja—”

“No, Nikki! Not when there’s a high probability he will tell me that everything he said to me is a mistake. He already thinks kissing me on his bed was a mistake. It really hurt to hear it, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin me. Now after finding out that he’s actually interested, how do I know my dream to be with him won’t come crashing down on me? I…I don’t want to b…believe it’s finally happening after all these years.”

“Jenna, I don’t think Jacob’s that cruel just so he could purposely hurt you,” said Amy.

“It’s just too hard to believe it,” I sobbed unrestrainedly against my knees.

“I guess you found out what the roses mean then,” whispered Nikki.

“H…he said a fully opened rose m…meant the giver is very much in love with the recipient,” I said, choking back tears. “The white p…part of the rose represents his loyalty to me while the red inside s…symbolises his heart.”

“He loves you?” whispered Katie.

“He didn’t say that, but he did tell me that even though it was too early to love me, he realised I was always the one for him, and that I will always be his.”

“That’s so romantic,” sniffed Nikki.

“So, Jen, what are you going to do?” asked Katie.

“I’m sure she already knows,” said Amy. “You still want to be with him, even after all of this, don’t you, Jen?”

“Even if I do, I lost my chance when I ran away,” I said.

“Not when you mean this much to him,” said Nikki.

“Easy for you to say,” I said, hanging my head down in shame. “You guys didn’t see his expression when I didn’t answer him. I think I broke his heart.”

“You didn’t,” said Amy. “If you did, he wouldn’t be hounding Matt and me constantly on how you’ve been doing. Right now his main concern is losing you. Jacob wants you so bad you can see it in his eyes. Even during this whole ordeal, you haven’t seen the way he looks at you when he thinks nobody can see him.”

“But if you aren’t ready to fully let him in yet, he’ll still want to be your friend and will probably even wait for you until you’re ready,” said Katie.

“Thanks guys,” I sniffed, pulling them all into a much needed hug.

“Now, why don’t you rest up?” smiled Amy.

I returned her smile and quickly lay on my bed. Then burying myself back under the covers and closing my eyes, the sounds of their soft voices began fading in the background as I drifted off to sleep.

 
Chapter 16

Confessions

The next afternoon, the girls did their best to distract me, keeping my mind off Jacob by gossiping about how they did in their exams, when Amy’s phone suddenly rang. We could tell by the look on her face it wasn’t a happy call.

“That was Matt,” she said. “He knows we came over here last night.”

“How does he know that?” I asked.

“Because the guys went over to Jacob’s to do the same,” said Katie.

“Our intention was to try and fix things between you and Jacob,” added Nikki. “We didn’t like seeing you guys unhappy and decided to do something about it.”

“But the difference is that Jacob’s shutting them out,” sighed Amy. “The only thing the guys managed to get out of him was Jacob saying he’ll only talk to you, Jen. They’re coming over to see if maybe seeing you will cheer him up. They only know the gist of what happened between you two from what Matt was able to tell them, so I told them it’d be okay.”

I didn’t know what to expect and was quite nervous. My stomach felt like it was in knots, knowing I would be seeing Jacob again in just ten minutes. To occupy my mind while we waited for the guys, I went over what I wanted to say. I even tried steeling myself from my emotions and took deep breaths. However, once the doorbell rang, I jumped and flicked an uncertain glance at the girls when Matt walked in.

“Hey, Jen,” he said, taking a seat beside me. “How’ve you been doing?”

“I’m fine, I guess,” I said, a little more sullenly than I planned.

“Well, I guess you know why I’m here and also who I’ve brought along with me.”

“I don’t know if I can talk to him,” I whispered.

“Jen, I don’t think it’s as bad as you think,” said Matt.

“How do you know? You’re not Jacob. You can’t read his mind.”

“No, I can’t, but I think you should at least hear what he has to say.”

“How would you know what it might be when Amy just told me that Jacob hadn’t said anything to any of you?”

“Because I’ve known him long enough and can tell when he’s thinking about something important. Just trust me on this, okay?”

Before I could open my mouth, Matt was off the couch and striding towards the front door. He opened it and Jacob tentatively walked in.

My heart painfully constricted and it felt like a sharp pain had flooded my entire body when his sombre eyes sought mine out. Almost as if I had fallen into an icy lake.

“Jacob, I know you’re my cousin, but this is your only chance to make things right so you better not screw it up if you don’t want to lose it,” said Matt.

Giving Matt a small smile, Jacob then nodded his head and walked into the room.

“We’ll leave you two alone then,” said Amy, as she, Nikki, and Katie got up from where they were sitting and followed Matt outside to where Devon and Alex probably were.

Despite everything the girls’ had already told me, a sort of haze still clouded my brain. Everything leaked out so fast I couldn’t remember what I had wanted to say to him as Jacob slowly made his way towards me and sat on the couch.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was only a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jacob suddenly spoke.

“Jenna, we really need to talk,” he said. “If you feel up to it, let’s go somewhere else, and I will explain everything.”

For most of the trip, I was quiet and only stared out the car window, paying no heed to where Jacob was taking me. I was too busy trying to anticipate what the outcome of our conversation would be. I was apprehensive about what he had to tell me, but at the same time, I also felt excited. It would be great if everything turned out right. Sadly, there was also this fear that things between us might go the wrong way.

At one point during the silent ride, I chanced a look at Jacob and almost had a hard time tearing my eyes away. Even when he looked sad, he was still gorgeous.

His eyes, which were directed on the road, continued to glisten, even though his face looked reserved. His hair was untamed, probably from constantly running his hand through it or from lack of sleep. Almost every end was sticking up in different directions.

Letting out a soft sigh as I held back the urge to run my fingers through his soft hair to fix it, I turned my head to stare out the window again and forced back a tear.

Everything that has happened between us seems so clichéd. Except unlike the movie we saw, I wasn’t repulsed by Jacob like the girl had been. Instead, I found that every moment I spent with him, I fell deeper for Jacob. But sadly, there was also this possibility that I already ruined any chance of having my dream come true when I ran away.

At that thought, a single tear finally escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. I didn’t wipe it off. Any kind of movement to my face would draw Jacob to turn his head to look at me, and I didn’t want him to see me cry.

When we reached the bend, turned the corner, and came to a stop, I blinked back the water surrounding my eyes and glanced around. Jacob had brought me to Jericho Park. The sky was overcast, just like it had been on the day of our senior class picnic. But unlike that day, the saltiness of the air seemed more pungent, the clouds were darker, and there was no existence of sun in the sky. As I got out of his car, ironically, we were also back by the group of trees. The same spot where we had that talk regarding the technicalities of our friendship.

Not bothering to wait for Jacob, I slowly began walking towards the same huge weeping willow by the pond, and ducking under the feather-veined leaves which had grown a few inches from the last time we were here, I then took a seat on the cool grass, leaned back against the moss-covered trunk, and settled my sight on the rolling waves. Jacob joined me a moment later, and a silence fell between us for a few minutes before I finally spoke.

“How long, Jacob?” I said.

“Ever since the tenth grade,” he sighed.

I turned to face him. “And you never said anything all this time?”

“When I first saw you at the airport, I remember thinking how pretty you were and wondered since you were Matt’s close friend, would you be mine too?” he smiled to himself. “Once we began hanging around a lot, I then enjoyed being around you so much that I started keeping track of where you were just to catch a glimpse of you when we weren’t together.”

“Yet you still ended up dating Ivy,” I said. “You can’t be trying to tell me you wanted to go out with me instead of her.”

“You’re right, I wanted to go out with her,” he said, as colour began flooding his cheeks. “At that time, I only liked you as a friend. It wasn’t until you started avoiding me when finally realised I liked you more than that. Seriously, what kind of an idiot doesn’t know he has feelings for someone until after she stops speaking to him?”

“You tell me,” I grinned in spite of myself.

“I just did,” he grinned back, but his smile quickly faded from his face. “That’s why I never said anything and kept my feelings about you to myself. I already lost our friendship once before. But when I started seeing Amber, I honestly was afraid you were going to stop talking to me again. I couldn’t believe my luck when you stayed, yet I still feel guilty for going out with someone else instead of you.”

“To tell you the truth, I stayed because I was over my crush on you, and we were just friends.”

“What I’m about to tell you might make you change your mind about being my friend.” His hands that had been hanging relaxed between his knees were now clasped together tightly, as if he were about to face something difficult.

“It can’t be that bad,” I said.

“It is when I only went out with Amber to test how I really felt about you,” he said with shame. “I know it sounds bad of me for doing this, but I really needed to know how I truly felt before pursuing something with the one I really want. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just an infatuation. Once Amber and I had that fight over you during Devon’s birthday, I knew right away I still wanted you.”

“Then why didn’t you break it off with Amber that night if you wanted to be with me?”

“I did break it off with her that night, but it was after I had dropped her off at her house,” he sighed. “I didn’t tell you because I was scared you might reject me, thinking you were some kind of rebound. And I couldn’t bear that, Jenna. After those excruciating months where we didn’t speak, there was no way I could even last a day without hearing your laugh or seeing your smile. That’s why I pretended I was still seeing her when you came over. I wanted to confess everything to you before I left for Australia, so I knew what was waiting for me when I came home…”

“And you didn’t because I started seeing Ethan,” I said, watching as Jacob yanked a blade of grass from the ground and twirled it between his fingers.

“Yes. I knew you were hanging out with him, but I didn’t know you were dating him until I accidentally overheard you telling Nikki about it. So, I backed off again, just like I had done when you went out with Riley. Just so you know, it wasn’t because I didn’t care. It was because I do care. I always want to see you happy. And since you looked so happy talking about Ethan, I decided to let you go. That’s why I left a bit earlier. I figured maybe the trip could help me forget about my feelings for you. If I knew that Ethan is such an ass, I would’ve missed the trip altogether just so I could fight for you until you were mine.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at Jacob, daring not to breathe for the fear of missing anything else.

“While I was in Australia, no matter how hard I tried to block out my feelings for you, I couldn’t,” he continued. “You were all I thought about the whole time I was away. Even though I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want to lose you in my life again. Therefore, I accepted it and came home looking forward to becoming a true friend to you. And who knows, maybe even a best friend. Why else do you think I got you to pick me and my family up and not Matt?”

“Because you knew I can’t say no to your mom?”

“Yes, that too, but I also did it because your face was the first thing I really wanted to see once I got back from the trip. But then the next day when you told me you had ended it with Ethan, it felt like I was given one last chance to make it right. It was hard to hide how ecstatic I was feeling. I was even tempted to grab you and kiss you right in front of everyone in the gym. I only restrained myself from doing so only because I thought you probably needed a break after getting out of a relationship. Then an opportunity arose for me when we had gone bowling. That’s why I made that bet. I was hoping you would lose so I could finally kiss you. I was completely disappointed when you beat me.”