Always Been Mine (14 page)

My phone was ringing. I didn’t know where it was, or why someone would be calling me this early, but I hoped Matty would answer it for me. I reached my hand out to his side of the bed, planning to either grab his hand, pulling it back over me to hold me tight and block out the world, or to shake him until he got up and stopped the incessant ringing. All I felt was the coolness of empty cotton sheets. I groggily opened my eyes, and saw that Matty really wasn’t there. I frowned. My phone beeped again. Realizing it might be him, I rolled over to his nightstand and grabbed it, only glancing at the screen before hitting the screen and bringing it to my ear.

“ ‘Lo?” The silence on the other end surprised me. I cleared my throat. “Hello?”

“Hi.” Will’s voice came out breathless. “I didn’t think you’d answer. I was waiting for voicemail.”

My mind still wasn’t working. “Did you call me a few minutes ago?”

“Uh… no.” He was silent for a minute and I closed my eyes, leaning back on my pillow, wondering if Matty had just called. “Joey, are you snoring?” There was humor in his voice. “Shit! Did I wake you up?”

I opened my eyes, glaring at the wall across from me. I wanted to be sarcastic, say something mean, but I was just too tired. Leaning my head back on the pillow I closed my eyes again. “Yeah.” I yawned. “Musta overslept. But, it’s ok. I’m awake now.” I yawned again, willing myself to open my eyes. “What’s up Will?”

He sighed. “I just…” I could tell he was searching for words to say. “I just really wanted to… talk to you?” The last part of his sentence came out as a question.

“Talk to me?” I laughed at how absurd that sounded. “You just said you thought you’d get voice mail, that I wouldn’t answer. Well, you’re talking to me now.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Joey, I just…” I couldn’t remember the last time I heard Will struggle to find the words he wanted to say. “I’m just… well, I’m really sorry about yesterday.” I let out the breath I’d been holding. I knew he was. I knew I was.

I didn’t know what to say that could possibly make him feel any better. My first reaction was to say
‘I know you are, its ok. Everything is going to be ok.
’ But I couldn’t say that because it wasn’t ok. So, I said the only thing I could. “I know.”

“I’m still trying to figure out what I want to say.” His voice was soft. “I thought I’d get voice mail and you’d call me back later today or during the week, and I’d have plenty of time to practice what I was going to say. Why’d you answer the phone, Joey?” I snickered, but before I could answer, he continued on. “I guess I just thought you’d never want to talk to me again.”

It was my turn to be speechless, searching for words. I laughed at his absurd statement. “Well, considering you told me yesterday that the reason you filed for separation was because I wouldn’t answer my phone when you called, I’m a little concerned about what you might do next. Kinda can’t ignore you anymore, can I?”

“Yeah,” his voice was soft, remorseful, “that’s true.” He let out a long breath. “I don’t know how this all got so fucked up. How it got so outta control.” He cleared his throat. “All I know is that if I could take back the last couple of months, I would.” He sounded so sad, so lost that I wanted to hug him, assure him that it was all going to be ok. But, I just couldn’t find the right words, so I didn’t say anything. The silence was too much to bear.

“Joey, is there any way that we can get back to what we were? Is there any way I can make this all up to you? Any way we can forget about it? Pretend it was a bad dream?”

I shook my head as if he could see me. We couldn’t undo the last four months. Hell, we couldn’t even undo the last 24 hours. I couldn’t forget the way I felt about Matty. And I couldn’t change how he felt about her. I bit my lip. “Will,” I said it quietly, “we can’t change who we are. God! Sometimes I wish I could! But, we just can’t. I love you, I will always love you, but I don’t want to be with you. After yesterday, I’m not sure I could ever be with you again. What about Rachel? Do you just pretend you don’t love her? Do you just forget about her and move on with me like none of it ever happened? Do I just forget about Matty? What in either of those scenarios makes us happy?”

“We can be happy together, Jo. We’ve been happy for years…”

“No, we haven’t!” I interrupted. “We’ve been getting by for years. Happy is a little bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”

“Joey,” his voice held an edge and I knew an argument was coming.

“No! It’s the truth Will. Look back on our life together. The last six months… when? At what point would you say that we were happy?”

“All of it.” He didn’t even hesitate. “I know we have problems. Everyone has problems, Joey. But, you and me, we’re a team!” We had been. I knew that. But, that team no longer played well together. Or was I just so pissed off I couldn’t play well with others? God, he was confusing. Part of me desperately wanted to run home, part of me was one of those wishy washy girls that would forgive him for just about anything. The other parts of me wanted nothing to do with him, though. I had Matty now and that’s the only teammate I wanted.

“Will. You’re not hearing me. I can’t do this right now, I can’t keep fighting with you. I need space to clear my head.”

“With him?” The old argument was back again. “You need to space to clear your head, with him.”

“Yeah, I do.” I was quiet. “He makes me happy.”

“I make you happy.” He grumbled. We weren’t going to get anywhere like this, either. Round and round in circles we go… I sighed. I felt like I’d done more sighing in the last few minutes talking to him than I had all year.

“All right, Will. What do you want me to do? In your perfect little world, where do you see this going? In your mind, what do I do now? Do I pack up my stuff? Do I move home while the kids are still gone? Do we try to put this back together before they come home? How do I trust you again?” I scoffed at him. “Do you take the fact that I told you I was in love with another man, a man that just yesterday you told me I’d been in love with for years, and forget it? Do we just try to put that behind us? And, where does Matty fit into all of this? Because without Matty, there really is no me. I don’t know how to be who I am without him being a part of my life. If…”

“This is what I’m talking about Joey.” He interrupted. “Don’t you see it? It’s me that you should be worried about learning how to survive without. It’s me you should be talking about, saying, ‘I don’t know how to move on if Will isn’t part of my life.’ Death Do Us Part, remember?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure our wedding vows didn’t include the terms ‘remain faithful and loving while your husband fucks whomever he wants!” Silence on the other end meant I’d hit a nerve. I rolled my eyes, and inhaling deeply, apologized. “That was uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

“We’re never going to move past this, are we? I’m always going to be pissed about Matty, and you’re never going to forgive my mistake.”

I wished I could tell him he was wrong, but I was pretty sure he’d hit that nail right on the head. “Mistake? You don’t fall in love with a mistake! You sleep with her, once, while your girlfriend is working her ass off to pass her finals. A mistake is not someone that you have an emotional connection with, someone that you fall in love with over a period of months and then make love to. Rachel was an affair Will. I forgave your mistake, I can’t forgive an affair.” He didn’t say a word and I hoped I was getting through to him. “I don’t know, Will. I hope we can act like adults at some point. God, I feel like we’re teenagers again.” The thought made me shiver.

He chuckled. “We’re long overdue for this. Remember all those times our friends used to tell us if we didn’t fight when we were young, then we’d have brawls when we got old? You used to think that was hilarious. Well, I think this is our first brawl.”

I laughed. He was right, and for a minute, I was just me, talking to my husband that always had a great way of seeing things. “It really is a nasty one!”

“It is.” He got quiet again. “Joey, I’m not giving up. I’m going to fix this. I love you, and I’m not stopping until you realize how much. I’ll do anything.”

“Will.” I clenched the phone tight. “You really aren’t hearing me, and I need you to listen right now. I love Matty.” He made a disgruntled noise. “I’m sorry if that upsets you, but I do. I don’t want to fix us, I want to be with him, if he’ll have me. You can’t love me as much as you think. Not if you were able to so easily fall for someone else. Where does Rach...”

“You said you need time to figure this all out,” he interrupted. “That you need time away from me. So that means you really aren’t sure yet. That means you don’t know. I can give you time. The kids are gone for a few more weeks, and I won’t call you again. I promise. Do what you need to do, and then come home to me.” I knew what he was saying, even if he didn’t say the words. He was telling me to spend the rest of the summer with Matty, to have a full-blown affair, and that at the end of summer I could come back to him. Before I could argue, tell him I wouldn’t do that to Matty or him, he continued, “Call me when you’re ready. I love you, Joey.”

He hung up.

I sat in bed for a long time afterward, replaying his words. He insisted he wasn’t giving up on us, but he’d already done that. Funny, how only two weeks ago I wanted him back and as soon as I decided I didn’t, he changed his mind. What about Rachel? He hadn’t mentioned her. He expected me to spend the summer with Matty, was he going to be spending his with her? I knew that I should be jealous, but all I felt was relief at the notion that if he was spending all his time with her, then maybe, just maybe, he would really leave me and Matty alone.

We took the 2:35 train to North Station. Matty gave me the window seat, and I lifted up the arm between us, snuggling into his side as I watched the scenery fly by. Our car was filled with people, some headed to the city for the weekend, some headed home after a long work week in Portland. Their constant chatter, along with the vibration of the train, relaxed me. We hadn’t even made it to Saco before I felt my eyes start to close. I opened them once, feeling Matty’s arm come around me, pulling me into him, and his lips warm on my forehead, but he was so comfortable that I fell back into oblivion.

“Jo? Honey, we’re here.” I could feel Matty’s breath on my neck, his soft stubble tickling my cheek. I didn’t want to wake up, and instead stretched against him, smiling. “Come on, babe, you gotta wake up.” I groaned and sat up. We were pulling into the station, the people around us had grabbed their bags and there was a current of excitement running through each of them.

“I fell asleep.”

Matty smiled, biting the outside of his lip. “You did.”

I frowned at him, stretching again. “You should have woken me up! I wanted to see the city.” The train came to a complete stop, doors opened, and everyone rushed out.

Matty stood up, offering me a hand. “You’ll see plenty of the city this weekend, I promise.” He lifted his bag onto his shoulder, grabbed the handles of mine, and, holding my hand, pulled me off the train. Once we got onto the platform, he pulled me next to him. I reached for my bag, but he held it away. “I can carry it.”

I gave him a dirty look. “So can I.”

I was going to argue when I heard my name called in a way only a true Bostonian could say it. I turned, surprised. “Lil’ Kangaroo?” the voice asked again as if I was a figment of his imagination. We had walked into the Main lobby of the station, and Rocker was standing right outside the door that led to our tunnel. He smiled at me, opening his arms as he strode toward us, pulling me into a hug before I could even say hello. He pulled back, hands still on my shoulders and looked at Matty and then back to me. “When you said you were bringing a surprise, this isn’t what I pictured.”

“Surprise.” Matty’s voice was almost flat.

I looked between them, feeling like I was missing something. There was definitely an undercurrent of understanding that passed between them, I just didn’t know what was being said. Silly boys. I shook my head, smiling at the handsome man in front of me. “Disappointed?” I pouted, for full effect. He laughed, pulling me into another hug.

“With you? Nevah!” He let go of me then, throwing a hug around Matty in what can only be described as a ‘man hug.’ Two grown men, both intimidating in size, hugging and pounding each other on the back attracted some stares. I smiled at them. Rocker pulled back, grabbing my bag from Matt and then tipped his head toward the main entrance. “Ready?”

Matty reached for me, grabbing my hand, nodding at his friend. We followed Rocker out the door, and I instantly felt like I was home. Matty was talking to Rob, but I tuned them out. There was insanity everywhere. We had gotten here just in time for rush hour. Honking horns and the smell of exhaust filled the air. I smiled. Turning slightly, catching the look on my face, Matty grinned back.  Still smiling at me, he asked, “Are the boys here yet?” I didn’t know what he was talking about, and I didn’t wait to hear the response, I was far too busy taking in the sights and smells.

A cab slammed on its breaks, double parking, and the trunk popped open. Rocker threw my bag in and then opened the door, climbing in the back yanking my hand as he did. I fell into the seat next to him, suddenly being crushed into him as Matty squeezed in next to me. His thigh pressed into mine and for a brief second I felt heat flutter through me. A sudden picture of being alone with him, naked and in a sinful embrace, crossed my mind. I gasped as I realized where my thoughts had taken me, and I leaned down, trying to hide my face.

I saw Matty’s hand before I felt it, moving slowly toward my leg and then he squeezed my knee, sliding his hand up the inside. It was like he’d read my mind. We had slept together every night, but hadn’t been intimate since my altercation with Will. His fingers made a pattern, burning my skin through the denim, and I stifled a moan. I was beyond turned on. I pulled my legs together, closing them tightly, before he could go any further north. He gave me a sheepish look and shrugged. I scowled back. Rocker started to laugh, and I turned my glare on him. “You two aah cute.”

Deciding to ignore them both, I looked up and watched out the window. I hadn’t heard Rocker when he’d given the driver an address, but I assumed we were driving to South Boston. Knowing we’d be in the car for at least an hour with traffic, I amerced myself in the sights. We got lucky, hitting green light after green light, and fifteen minutes later, we stopped in Back Bay.

Both Matty and Rocker opened their doors at the same time, stepping out into the summer air. Rob shut his door, but Matty’s left his wide open. I looked out, toward the brick sided duplexes lining the street. I didn’t know where we were, but it looked like Marlborough Street. Were we here to get something? The trunk slammed shut and Rocker handed the driver a wad of cash. Matty peeked his head back inside the car. “Come on, babe.”

I took the hand he offered, shutting the door behind me and staring at the large four story townhouse in front of us. It was taller than both of the four-story homes that stood on either side, making it look gigantic. A black wrought iron fence surrounded a little tiny yard on the other side of the sidewalk, just big enough for a tree trunk and some shrubs. I turned around, looking up and down the road. It was Marlborough Street. Rocker was already up the steps, pushing open the door. He stopped, smiling and waiting for us. I looked up at Matty. “Where are we?” He didn’t answer, but pulled my hand as he went up the steps and into a foyer. 

The hallway was beautiful. Marble floors and mahogany walls led to a single elevator that Rocker had called by waving a forb in front of a sensor. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing it was an apartment building. I laughed as we stepped into it. “For a minute there, I thought this was your house.” Everyone knew that the homes in Back Bay cost at least a million dollars; the homes on Beacon and Marlborough, though, cost millions. With an S. Not that an apartment in this neighborhood would be cheap, but for a few seconds I thought I was totally out of my league. 

Rocker shook his head at me, smiling. “Nah, it’s a duplex. We only own the top two floors.” My mouth fell open. I knew I was gaping, but I couldn’t stop myself. I looked at Matty, who wasn’t making eye contact, but I could see him struggling not to laugh. “Well, top two’n a half floors.” Rocker corrected himself, looking at Matty. “Wicked sweet views of the rivah on one side and the city on the othah, so I’m ok not owning the whole place. Plus, the taxes are fuckin’ brutal.”

The elevator stopped, opening into a hallway similar to the one downstairs. It was absolutely gorgeous, with dark mahogany floors and light yellow walls. This one, though, seemed much larger. There was a giant opening to the left that led into what I assumed was the house, a door just past that in the back left corner. Directly to the right of the elevator was another door, probably a stairway. On the right wall, there was a bright white closet, a mahogany table that matched the floor, and another white closet. In the back right corner, there was another door. ‘
We only own the top two floors
.’ I wondered what he did for work, or better yet, what the other half of the ‘we’ did. Then I remembered what I should have asked when I first saw Rocker at the station. “Is your wife home, yet? I can’t wait to meet her.” 

He was a few steps in front of me, but he stopped and turned. Meeting my eyes, his eyebrows arched. “My wife?” His eyes looked over me, and I assumed he was looking at Matty. Shaking his head he continued, “Sorry, Lil’ Kangaroo, not hitched.” He winked. “Don’t even have a girl. I’m a lot to handle.” He laughed, shaking his head, walking into the middle of the foyer.

I stopped abruptly, turning. I could hear the sounds of men talking, probably the ones Matty had asked Rocker about earlier. Matty looked at the table, at the closets, back at the elevator, and then past me into the room, but I stared at him until he met my eyes. “Really?” I hissed. The sides of his mouth twitched. “You could have told me he wasn’t married, and you could have told me he lived here.” My arm stretched out. “I am totally out of my element.” 

He dropped the bag he carried, snaking out an arm, wrapping it around me, and pulling me into him. His mouth found mine. My arms had a mind of their own, circling his shoulders while my hands tangled his hair around my fingers. His tongue ran over mine playfully, touching my bottom teeth, and then it was gone. He pulled my bottom lip between his, nibbling on it. I had all I could do to remember to breathe, pulling him tighter against me. A throat clearing brought me back to reality and I didn’t try to hold Matty when he pulled away. As I turned back towards Rocker, I felt Matty’s breath on my ear. “If you think this is nice, wait until you see what I have planned for later.” His words caused a shiver to run down my back, and I couldn’t wait to see what he had in store for me.    

“You two gonna be ok for a minute, or should we go downstairs while you two still have clothes on?” I felt the blush rise, but Matty just smacked my ass and grabbed my hand.

    
“This,” Matty said, pulling me a few steps into the room, “is the hall. Elevator, stairs to the roof,” he pointed at the open elevator and the door next to it, “the washroom is in there, too.” I raised my eyebrows at that, and he shrugged pulling open the door. The little room was bright, surprising me, and I looked up to see the sky through a roof window. There was a circular staircase, and the marble floors continued into a little alcove that held an industrial sized sink and lots and lots of shelves and pegs with clothes on them. “It’s for when we come back all dirty and gross; we can change and get washed up before…” he trailed off, but I knew what he was going to say. Get cleaned up before going inside. The house was that nice, that you couldn’t walk inside after work without cleaning up. Yep, way, way out of my league.

He tugged me back to Rocker, pointing to the closets; one was for guests, one for frequent visitors. The door in the back left was a “Guest bathroom, no shower.” And the door across from it, in the back right corner, was the stairway. “But, it only goes down to the living room and then down to the bedrooms, not outside.”

I was impressed before he pulled me through the archway into the apartment, but was speechless once we were standing in the kitchen. The open room in front of me was huge, magnified by the light wood floors, pale blue walls, and the wall of windows showing the city’s skyline on the other side of the room. I looked around. It wasn’t just a kitchen, but also the dining room and living room, and it was exquisite.

The talking I’d heard stopped abruptly when the men saw us, and I heard Rocker talking to them in low tones. I was too overwhelmed to pay attention to what he’d said. Matty dropped my hand, walking across the room to a table that must seat twenty, greeting his friends. I reached out a hand to the island in front of me, steadying myself. Rocker leaned his back against the counter next to me, and I met his eyes.

“They’re BbD’s.”

“Huh?” I shook my head. I knew how idiotic I sounded, but I had no idea what he was talking about.

He smiled a sweet and kind smile. “The countahs.” I still didn’t understand. He reached back, touching the marble next to my hand. “The counters and cabinets. They’re BbDs, the whole house is, actually.” I loved how the Southie vanished as he clarified what he’d said, but it wasn’t his accent I didn’t understand. Seeing my confusion, he nodded. “Ah. BbD, Boston by Design, although no one ever gets the name right. Some people think it’s Beautiful by Design. It’s a custom cabinet company.” He shrugged. “It’s a Boston thing, I guess. The best you can get. We remodeled the whole place a couple of years ago. He’s got expensive taste.” He tilted his head back towards the table. I felt one eyebrow rise. Who had expensive taste? I glanced over at the men talking to Matty, some I recognized from a few weeks ago. Then it hit me; his words, ‘we own’ and ‘I don’t even have a girl’ being laughed at me. Rocker was gay.

“Oh!” I smiled up at him, meeting his almond shaped eyes. They were dark brown, almost black, and like Matty’s, were surrounded by black eyelashes that would make any woman jealous. The combination of the two made him look dangerous, even more so than his large size and the way he carried himself. He was a smidge taller than Matty, maybe 6’3, but he was much bigger. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tipped the scale at 260, even though there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. He radiated bad boy, from the set of his jaw, to the way he held himself when he was leaning against the counter, muscles taught and showing. It should be obvious to anyone within ten miles of him that this man was not someone to be messed with. If they couldn’t see how dangerous he was, the sound of his voice would erase all doubt. It was low and rough, almost threatening, even when he was laughing. A picture of the hulk crossed my mind and I was reminded of my earlier thoughts of Rob.

There was so much more to this man, though. He was beautiful. Not in a Matty-Greek-God way, but in a rough around the edges, break-your-heart way. He didn’t have a huge head, like someone his size should, but it wasn’t small enough to look odd. His black hair was buzzed short, showing his wide forehead and full black eyebrows. He had a triangular face, with a pointed chin and wide cheek bones that broke into dimples when he smiled. His nose was long and thick, slightly pointed on the end. His large full lips were a dark pink, and always seemed to be breaking apart into a dazzling smile that showed large, bright white teeth. I’d heard him speak numerous times without a hint of an accent, so there was no doubt in my mind that he played it up.