Always and Forever (9 page)

“Seriously?” How could that be? I guess next time, I'd have to carry twice as many jars. Like there'd be a next time. Well, not in the basement, anyway. No, next time, I'd think of something so much better. More permanent.

“Seriously,” he repeated and swiped the cloth over my back once more. “Okay, you take a shower, and when you're done, I'll rub you down with some antibiotic ointment.”

“Kinky,” I joked.

“Whatever, Mia.” He brushed past me and headed out the door. “Yell if you need me,” he threw over his shoulder. “I'll be right out here.”

As soon as the door closed behind him, I reached into the shower and turned the faucet on. Hot water spewed forth instantly, and I climbed in. While the water cascaded over me, I mentally kicked myself for being nine kinds of loser. What kind of an idiot botched a sure-fire suicide? This kind of idiot, that's who.

Next time
, I promised myself. Next time, I'd do it right, and this could all be over.

E
LEVEN

“MERRY CHRISTMAS, SWEETHEART.”

With a brilliant smile, I turned and threw my arms around his neck. “Thanks, Dad. You, too,” I breathed in his ear.

He squeezed tight before he released me, his eyes glassy under the colored lights decorating the house, bright with a wealth of unshed tears. For me. For him. For everything that we once were and could never be again. He shook his head, trying in vain to force away the bad, at least for one night. “We don't have to do this,” he whispered. “There's still time left. I can call everyone and tell them the party is cancelled.”

“And say what?” The smile fought with all its might to drop from my face, but I stubbornly held onto it, clung to it with my last inch of sanity.

He pursed his lips, but I could still see the quivering that shouted out to one and all that he teetered on the edge himself. “I'd think of something. I am a lawyer, after all. I lie for a living.”

“Daddies don't lie,” I told him and then pretended horror. “Or, were you lying when you told me that?”

His answering grin was small, miniscule, barely a smile at all, but it was there and I reveled in it. “Of course, I'd never lie to you, princess. Daddies don't lie to their little girls. It's part of the contract we all sign.”

“Huh. I think I'd like to see this supposed contract of yours before I decide whether I can believe you or not.”

He let loose a low, deep chuckle and slid an arm around my waist to squeeze me again. “That's my girl. You'd make an excellent lawyer some—” His laughter abruptly died, and the merriment that had begun to seep into his eyes just moments before bled out and spilled despair over both of us.

“Dad, don't.”

He swallowed, pursed his lips, and then finally nodded. “I'm fine. Really. It's just…well…” He cleared his throat. Once. Twice. Three times. “We don't have to do this, Mia,” he told me, his voice ragged, gritty and harsh like sandpaper sliding over my skin. “We don't have to pretend at normalcy. It's our last—”

“Exactly why we shouldn't cancel,” I cut in gently. “Don't you see, Dad? I want this.” I spread my arms to encompass the living room in all its festive holiday glory. “All I want right now is for things to be normal. For everyone to look at me and see me, not a disease. I just…” I swallowed against the lump that had formed in the back of my throat. “That's all I really even need. For everything to be as it always was.”

He closed his eyes, sucked in a ragged breath. “But it's a lie.”

“I know,” I muttered dejectedly. “But it's one I'm choosing to believe at the moment. Can you just give me that? Please?”

He heaved out a mournful sigh; his shoulders drooped under the weight of my request, the charade I demanded he play a part in. Reluctantly, he nodded. “Okay, princess,” he murmured and reeled me in for another bone-rattling embrace. “We can pretend for a little while longer, but—” He pulled back just enough to level me with his sternest,
I'm the dad and so you'll listen to me
look. “—this charade will have to end sometime. Soon.”

I swallowed, nodded. Hopefully, I'd be long gone before his
soon
came about. Before either one of us could speak again, Ben trampled down the stairs, making more noise than a herd of elephants. I told him as much, which earned me a fierce scowl.

We hadn't spoken since the argument in the kitchen two days ago, and I didn't see us bridging that gap anytime soon. Really, it was all for the best. Easier for both of us in the long run. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

Mom called Dad into the kitchen to help finish preparations, and shortly thereafter, the guests straggled in. Soon, the house overflowed
with friends and family all come together to celebrate the end of yet another successful year.

I stood in a corner with a glass of eggnog and nodded to people as they passed. I smiled to myself as I memorized every second that ticked by, from the sparkly party dresses and well-cut suits worn by most of the guests—with the odd snowman-inspired jumpsuit sprinkled in here and there—right down to the moment Ben and his friends tried to sneak sips of the “adult” eggnog. Mrs. Miller caught them, of course, but, softie that she is, she let them snatch a little sip anyway. I wanted to freeze this moment forever, take it with me wherever I might go when I left this earth.

But I couldn't. Life moved on, and all too soon, it would do so without me in it.

Ricki and Adam's arrival temporarily took my mind off such morbid thoughts. She fairly sparkled in the sapphire dress that I knew had come from my closet. She whirled in it as she came closer. Her hands lifted the edges of the skirt like a little girl playing dress up.

“Well?” She demanded when she was at my side. “What do you think?”

I nodded and pasted a cheery smile across my face. “Looking good, Rick,” I murmured dutifully.

She brightened at the compliment. “I know, right? I had such a hard time figuring out what to wear tonight. My closet is so happy it's absolutely bursting with joy.” She lifted her head, glanced around. “Where's Kal?”

“Babe, give it up,” Adam chortled as he joined us and handed Ricki a cup. “They don't need you to play matchmaker. Let them muddle through it on their own.”

She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Well, if I do that, my grandchildren will have had grandchildren by the time they open their eyes.”

“Uh, I'm standing right here, Ricki,” I piped up.

Adam belted out a laugh before he dropped a kiss on Ricki's cheek. “That's my cue to leave. Mia,” he told me with a twinkle in his eye. “I hope you wore your body armor tonight. This girl's probably going to pull out the big guns.”

“Thanks for the warning,” I muttered sarcastically, but he'd already turned tail and run. Men.

“So,” Ricki tapped her foot impatiently. “Where is loverboy?”

I rolled my eyes but still smiled despite myself. “Kal isn't here yet,” I told her. “The Patels had another thing to go to first. They'll be here later, though.”

“And when he does get here,” she pressed. “You'll be giving him his present, right?” Her suggestive leer told me that present meant something far different to her than it did to me.

“Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter, Ricki. I told you Kal and I are just—”

“But you're not!” she interjected. “Why don't you see that?” She smacked the heel of her palm into my forehead. “Open your eyes, Mia. That boy is interested in you and not just as a friend.”

I glared at her and rubbed the spot on my forehead that she'd just hit. I'd already had a headache forming, but that tiny little tap amplified the pounding tenfold.

“Oh, don't be such a baby,” Ricki grumbled. “I barely touched you. Besides, you're dodging the issue here.”

“It's a non-issue. There's nothing going on between us, Ricki,” I snapped a little more ferociously than was probably necessary. “And, if anyone's dodging things, I'd say it was you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I thought you were breaking up with Adam. Didn't you just tell me that very thing the other night? That you wanted to be free to see whoever you wanted?”

“Keep it down,” she hissed. She cut a quick glance over to where Adam was talking with Mr. Garner. “I told you I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.”

“So, you don't want to date other guys?” At her blush, I gasped. “Oh no, Ricki! Please tell me you didn't!”

“It was just one date, and besides, I still love Adam.” Her forehead knotted into a worried frown. “Promise me you won't tell Kal,” she beseeched me. “He'll tell Adam, and that would just kill him. Promise me, Mia.”

I stared into her pleading eyes for a long time, but I just couldn't work up the strength to feel anything for her and her predicament
besides intense irritation. In that moment, I hated her and her trivial little problems. Why couldn't I have those kinds of worries? Why couldn't I have her life? If I was her, I wouldn't do Adam so badly as she had. I'd give anything to have that kind of love—to feel the heat of someone's arms as they curved around me and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to be with me and me alone.

Always and forever.

But I didn't have her life. Hell, I didn't even have my life anymore, and I hated her for it. I hated everyone for it.

“Yeah, whatever,” I gritted out between clenched teeth. “I'll keep your secret.” I didn't wait for her to respond, to throw her arms around me and thank me profusely. I'd probably hit her if that happened. Instead, I mumbled some excuse about getting a drink refill and needing to talk to my uncle Lyle who had a penchant for over-long hugs and thus was not at the top of Ricki's
must-talk-to
list. So, she released me with no argument whatsoever.

I slipped through the crowd—a ghost who floated through a sea of the living—and wandered into the kitchen. I snatched up a plate of snacks and exchanged my eggnog for a can of Dr. Pepper before I slithered out into the cold December night.

T
WELVE

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER, A RAUCOUS SYMPHONY
of the joyful floated out of the house and surrounded me. It thickened the air, made it oppressive. I glared at the ground and shivered slightly, but was loathe to go inside where all the shiny, happy people were.

Just as I gathered up the necessary strength and courage to go back inside and brave the masses, a jacket dropped onto my shoulders, jarring me back to reality. I glanced up. My glower transformed into a grin as Kal lowered himself onto the ledge beside me.

“Are you going for the ice queen look?” he asked conversationally. “Because I have to say that blue lips and frostbitten fingers and toes are not a good look for anyone.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” I muttered as I threaded my arms into his suit coat. Instantly, I was surrounded by the residual body heat that still clung onto the fibers of the jacket as well as Kal's own unique scent—an intoxicating blend of aftershave and peppermint. “How'd you find me?”

“I know you, Mia,” he answered. His lips slid up into a broad grin as he bumped his shoulder into mine. “Best friends, remember?”

My smile widened, and I looped my arm through his. “Always,” I murmured.

“And forever,” he added. I let my head drop to his shoulder, and we fell into a comfortable quiet for a few moments. He was the first one to break the silence by chuckling softly under his breath.

I picked my head up and looked around. “What?” I asked, a little confused.

“Nothing,” he replied, a faraway look in his eyes. “It's just…memories, you know?” When I didn't immediately respond, he lifted his chin in the direction of the swing set parked at the far corner of the yard, very nearly on the property line between our two houses. “I still remember the day we first met like it was yesterday. You and your little Pippi Longstocking pigtails—”

I made a face at that. “Excuse me. I never had red hair or freckles.”

He cleared his throat. “I know that, but even with all that gold hair of yours I still think Pippi when I remember that day.” He grinned devilishly. “You were such a bully, and all I wanted was to play in the sandbox with you.”

I rolled my eyes and elbowed him in the side. “How can you still blame me for that, Kal? You popped up out of nowhere and just invited yourself to play. You even grabbed up my favorite shovel and pail without even asking. I thought you were a shady character.”

“Which explains why you threw the bucket you had in your hands at me?” Up went one dark brow, and I wanted to throw a bucket full of sand at his head all over again.

“A girl's got a right to defend herself, you know,” I answered primly.

He threw back his head and laughed heartily. “Yes, yes. I learned that lesson the hard way.”

I chuckled right along with him. “Do you want to go inside where it's warm, or do you want to keep strolling down memory lane?” I asked him. “I mean, I'm enjoying being out here, but I have a coat—your coat.”

“I'm fine,” he said. “Anyway, I figured since we were out here away from the crowd, we could exchange gifts.”

“Oh.” I brightened instantly. I'd always loved giving—and receiving—gifts. “I have to go in and get yours. Wait right—”

“Already done,” he interrupted. He held up both a small silver-wrapped box and the gift bag I'd put under the tree for him just that morning.

“Always prepared,” I murmured as I settled back down.

“That's me. The boy scout.”

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at that. “So, how do you want to do this? Exchange at the same time or flip a coin or what?”

He gazed down at the two gifts in his hands, jiggled them each once, and then held the silver box out to me. “You first,” he whispered. His voice dripped with excitement, but did I hear a little nervousness in there, too?

I snatched the box out of his hand, giddy with anticipation. I slid a sidelong glance his way as I fingered the powder blue ribbon on the top,. “You sure?” It was a weak attempt at letting him open his first, and we both knew it. At his nod, I ripped the bow off; the paper followed close behind.

My breath caught in my throat and my heart stuttered to a complete stop when my fingers grazed the soft velvet of the box beneath the paper. He'd bought me jewelry. I shook my head, my fingers frozen over the lid. “Kal, I can't,” I whispered for my mouth had suddenly gone so dry I couldn't have spoken any louder if I'd wanted to. “This is too much.”