Along the Broken Road (25 page)

He had to stop, to breathe, because the world was going black around him. Hands on his arms became a vise, not hard, but clinging. He felt her knees buckle beneath her and she fell toward him. But he had no strength to catch her, so together, they slid to a seated position as if the words he’d spoken had shocked the life from both their bodies. The fire crackled, a log perched above another dropping deeper into the brilliant glow where wood had become embers.

Though Ian expected Charlee to run away, she didn’t. She stayed, closing her arm around his giant shoulder as he tried to talk, but words became tiny gasps for air until his shoulders quaked and tears streamed down his face. “It might not have even hit me. It might not have . . .”

Charlee rolled onto her knees and the weight of her staring at his profile was unbearable, more than he could take because he should have told her sooner. She had a right to know and he’d kept it from her. Her hands touched his face and he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t screaming at him. Telling him she hated him. It was his fault her father was dead.

Time stood still while she stared at him. Ian’s heart was a black hole. Empty, dark. The only sounds were the crackling of a campfire and Charlee’s breathing.

The words she whispered were so soft, he wasn’t sure he’d heard them. “You killed the man who killed my father?”

One by one, each word registered and Ian slowly swung his gaze to her expecting to see all the hate he deserved. “Yes.”

Charlee readjusted on her knees and took his face in her hands. There were tears in her eyes and when she blinked, they ran unbidden down her cheeks. “He’d be proud of you.”

The words cut a jagged wound as they made their way to Ian’s heart. He couldn’t answer so he shook his head.

Her voice was stronger this time. “He’d be proud.”

How could she say that? If it weren’t for him, her dad would be alive.

Charlee released him and rolled over onto her bottom. She stared at the fire. “My dad died the way he always wanted to live.”

Ian forced himself to look at her. The campfire danced across her features making her look unearthly, angelic.

When Charlee met his gaze, there was a certainty there. A look he knew, one he’d seen on her face every time she’d made a decision and dug her heels deep to defend it. He also knew that same look from her father. Charlee’s chin tilted back. “He died taking care of his men.”

Ian tried to swallow. Pain seared his heart, but there was something else there too. A tiny splash of hope, a droplet of optimism. Things he had no right feeling, but couldn’t stop them as they bounced around inside, shaving off the jagged edge and offering . . . in a word . . . healing.

“What else happened at the end, Ian?” It was a demand that left no room for backtracking.

Ian tried to judge the merits of telling her versus keeping that secret inside.

“What else?” This time it was a plea, so full of need that he couldn’t have stopped the words from tumbling from his mouth if he’d wanted to.

“He said to teach you how to stop running.”

The air changed. First cold, then electric. And Ian was sure she’d jump up and run into the woods at any moment. But she stayed. Breathing beside him. Lungs filling with and releasing air.

“I didn’t even understand what he meant. But it’s what he wanted for you. I thought if I came here . . . I don’t know.” Ian turned to face her; now he was the one who would plead. “Charlee, you have to stop running.”

She stiffened. “Do you think I like this? Do you think I enjoy it?” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to cope. I’m fine until things get really,
really
bad, then I just . . .”

“You just start walking down that road in the dark and see where it takes you.”

She laughed without humor and pushed away an angry tear. “Yeah. And it always leads me to the same place. Where my senses are numb and I can survive.”

“There are other ways to deal with hurt. Charlee, it may be a broken road that leads to healing, but there’s hope along the way.”

“Hope gave up on me.”

“No one’s giving up on you except you. You’re better than this.”

“From the man who still has nightmares. It doesn’t look like you’re dealing so well.” Now her gaze was fire upon him. “So talk to me about success after you experience it. Until then, I don’t have a whole lot of other options.” She stood and walked away from the fire, where the edge of the woods danced in the shadows of light off the nearby rocks. And there she looked small, helpless. A thin, scattered shadow of Charlee played on the nearby rock ledge.

“You choose whether to do this or not. It’s your
choice
, Charlee. No one is forcing a drink into your hand.”

She spun on him. “Sounds easy, doesn’t it? But I’ve only had myself to rely on for a long time.”

He walked to her, reached out to touch her arms, and on the wall of rock beside them, the two shadows became one. “But that’s not true anymore. You’ve got me.”

It flickered in her eyes, the realization that she wasn’t in it alone.

“I’ll help you. I’ll be right with you. But—”

She sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. “But?”

He’d avoid the stipulations for now. If he pushed her too hard too fast, she might never come back. “We can do this together, Charlee. I’ll stand right with you.” And Ian’s heart felt lighter for the first time in hours. Because the possibility reflected in her eyes was one of hope.

The first crack of thunder caused them both to jolt. They looked heavenward as the wind changed direction and cooled. A bolt of lightning shot across the sky.

Ian glanced at the tent, then to the truck. He didn’t want Charlee driving and wasn’t sure she wouldn’t try to insist if he suggested going home tonight. “I think we better tuck in for the evening. Is that tent waterproof?”

She shrugged. “Guess we’ll find out.”

When the first drops of water fell, she hurried to gather up her things. Ian secured the lid on the plastic container and followed her into the tent with the lantern dangling from his hand.

Charlee zipped him inside and it was only then that he realized the error in his decision to stay. His eyes scanned the small domed room with the narrow bed taking most of the space. She’d been drinking and whether she’d had a little or a lot really didn’t matter. He’d never take advantage. Especially since he knew things had the possibility of changing once she was completely sober and he told her what he had to.

“Lie down,” he said and when her eyes flashed with either excitement or instant regret—too hard to tell with the lantern light casting eerie little shadows on her face—Ian moved to her and took the light source, turned the knob so it gave a gentle glow to the space. The shadows on her face softened, as did her eyes. He stood at her feet and placed the lantern on the floor. When he rose to look at her, the earlier apprehension was gone. Her hair smelled like strawberry shampoo, enhanced by the rain droplets on her. He touched her arms; the skin was smooth, slightly wet, and when he drew his hands down to her wrist her mouth opened to release a long sigh that feathered against his flesh. The lingering scent of alcohol on her breath made him take a mental step back. Her mouth was open, lips dotted with rain, lashes shading her beautiful eyes. She was everything in the world any man could ever want. And everything in him wanted to take. Her eyes drifted open as his fingertips spasmed against her wrists. She searched him, those gray-blue eyes flashing on different points of his face as if imagining . . . imagining . . .

Ian pulled a breath and started to step away, but her hand found his shirt and fisted there against his chest. Her gaze had gone from sweet to lingering, seducing. Oh Lord. No one should have to endure this.

He let out a long breath, hoping it would equalize the balance of the room. When thunder cracked above their heads followed by a brilliant flash, Ian found Charlee’s body pressed tightly to his. Her breaths warmed a place on his neck. The tiniest chill ran over her skin and he closed his arms more tightly around her. She fit there, so perfectly, so right. And she was right. She was everything he would ever want and this . . .
this
was right. He closed the distance to her mouth until he felt her lips against his. Soft, sweet, hands and arms moving, caressing first his chest, then his neck, drawing him ever closer. It only took an instant for them both to be breathless. With great effort, Ian dragged his mouth from hers. But his body refused and in a second, they were one again, him drawing every exhale from her. The lack of fresh oxygen dizzied his mind, caused a haze to blanket every thought.

Lightning flashed against the tent as if snapping little pictures of his glorious torture. When the room brightened, his senses returned just enough to remember why he couldn’t go through with this. At least not yet. Not until he heard the words from her he needed to hear.

Her fingers had found the way to the hem of his T-shirt, causing his stomach to spasm with anticipation. Ian closed his hands over hers. “Charlee, I—”

Her face was down, but when he spoke, her eyes shot up to meet his. “I love you, Ian.”

And the world stopped spinning. Up was down and down was up and whatever he’d planned to say was gone because Charlee McKinley loved him. Loved him. Devoid of strength, he whispered, “What did you say?”

A brilliant smile kissed her face. “I love you. I have for . . . I don’t know how long, but I do.”

His mouth was dry. His forehead slick with sudden perspiration. Ian tried to tick off the words in his head, but they kept getting stuck. “Say it again.”

Her look changed to complete desire and that didn’t help anything at all because he needed to hear it, then he needed to process it, then he needed to . . . to take the woman he loved to bed. All the thoughts of propriety, honor, were gone. Only one thing mattered. Charlee and Ian were in love.

“I. Love. You.” The smile again, the one that lit his world and had completely altered his path. And everything that could be right was right. Except . . .

He moved in closer, spreading his stance to allow an even tighter press of their bodies. “I love you too.”

Charlee giggled and he was reminded she’d had . . . well, he didn’t know how much she’d had to drink. Had the bottle he busted been the only one? Was it the first? Cold sliced his spine as Ian tried to forget she wasn’t fully herself right now. And then he said the one thing he had to. The thing he’d been dreading because the outcome could alter everything for them. He took her face in his hands and held her a few inches away, disconnecting his body from hers, and it hurt,
physically hurt
, to push her away. “Charlee. I need you to promise me you won’t ever run again.”

At first she chuckled, but he watched the weight of his statement settle over her, a cloak, a blanket of cold. “I . . . I can’t.”

The troubled look that entered her eyes strengthened his resolve. “Charlee.” The word was short, dominant, intrusive. “I’ve never been more scared in my life than when I realized you were gone. And believe me, that’s saying something.”

She recoiled, body stiffening.

“Listen to me. You’re not alone anymore. You can’t just wander off down a dirt road and assume everything will work out. It killed me, Charlee. Not knowing.”

Her eyes darted, as if there were something to see other than green domed walls. On an exhale, she whispered, “I can’t.”

Ian readjusted his footing because he knew he was losing her, losing the woman he loved because she was mentally unable to break away from the one thing that could destroy them both. “Sweetheart, you have to.”

He watched the walls come up. Watched the doors of her heart slam shut. She didn’t speak, but her head shook from side to side, slowly, like one might do after seeing the aftermath of a horrible accident.

Ian hated that he’d given her such an ultimatum, but he couldn’t live with the uncertainty. “I spent months and months not knowing if I’d survive the next day. If the guy beside me would survive. Every moment alive is precious, Charlee. Every one. I can’t live knowing I might come home and you’ll have disappeared. Good Lord, surely you wouldn’t expect me to.”

Her hands fisted at her sides, the only clue that she even heard him. Her face was flint, eyes glass. Posture, marble. She swallowed. “Please.” And she blinked, first once, then several more times as if taking in information there was no room to store. “Can we just talk about this later? Tomorrow, maybe?”

Ian worked his jaw; on one hand, it was unfair for him to expect too much tonight. She’d been drinking, and alcohol affected everyone differently. On the other hand, Ian’s heart was already breaking because he knew Charlee and knew she couldn’t make that promise. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. And maybe not ever. But he also knew he couldn’t live without it. He loved her too much, and as long as there was an easy way out for her, it’d eat away at him until there was nothing left. He’d made a promise to Major Mack. Teach her how to stop running. This was in his power. He could teach her. He just figured it’d break his heart to do it. He forced a sad smile. “Sure. We can talk about it later.”

When Charlee stretched out on the thin camping mattress, Ian unzipped the edge of the tent’s window and peered outside. Rain came down in sheets, graying the world.

“Will you lie beside me?” she asked, slipping her hand into his.

He looked down to find her on her side, fingers twining with his. “Yes.”

She scooted to the edge to make room for him and Ian stretched out behind her, his chest to her back. Their fingers unlocked and he wound his arm around her and pulled her up against him where her hair tickled across his face and neck. He reached up and drew a hand through the nearly dry strands, causing the scent of strawberries to fill the space around them. He buried his nose in her hair and pulled the scent deep, so deep into his lungs he’d be forever changed by it. A tiny swatch of her skin was visible on her neck and when he could take the scent no longer, he tilted up and dropped a kiss on the spot.

Charlee melted against him. His fingers spread and ran through the length of her hair again, causing a little moan to escape from her mouth. He swallowed the heated sensation that shot through his system. In a whispered voice he knew she could barely hear above the rainfall, he said, “Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?”