Almost Like Being in Love (41 page)

Authors: Steve Kluger

BOOK: Almost Like Being in Love

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“Granada, Colorado. There was a Japanese American internment camp here that I thought we should—” “
Another
one?! Beaver, switch places with me. I’m driving.”( She and Gordo were married a year later and—pursuant to my instructions—began providing me with godchildren at the rate of one every twenty-seven months. Katie’s only 2, but she can already sing “Bushel and a Peck” all the way through without cheating, and Jessica—age 4—knows the entire score to
How Now, Dow Jones
.

Uncle T takes no prisoners.

Andrea decided in the end not to assassinate me, so I got my grant back, paid off Neiman-Marcus, and finished the book. Before it was even Xeroxed, I’d already lucked into my agent, Gail—a centrifugal force with voice mail who lives in Brooklyn and talks faster than I do. (Our first lunch meeting at an Italian restaurant on West 44th Street exhausted every waiter within earshot.)

Craigy called me every night. Sometimes the issues were complicated—

‚Smerko, my campaign is teetering on the verge of collapse. Are you busy?‛

‚Not for the next six hours. Is that going to be long enough?‛

‚Maybe.‛

—and sometimes they were cakewalks.

‚Trav, what was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me?‛

‚Getting your cock stuck in the vacuum cleaner hose.‛

‚Was that worse than the M&M thing?‛

‚Yes.‛

‚Okay. Bye.‛

Naturally, he won the election in a landslide (who wouldn’t vote for him?(, and by the time he’d convinced most of New York State that it needed hate crimes legislation on the floor, he already had his own cable modem on Capitol Hill. Washington hasn’t even begun to recover.

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Smerk, help me out here. This Matthew Shepard bill is already two days late, and what I’m trying to say is that I’ll push it through even if I have to stump all fifty states myself. What’s a good word for that?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

U-B-I-Q-U-I-T-O-U-S. Duh.

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

Oh. Is that what it means? Why didn’t you say so in high school?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

I did. But we were throwing raisins at each other. See what happens when you don’t listen?

TO: [email protected]

FROM: [email protected]

That’s because I knew that some day you were going to be a world-famous author who’d remember these things for me. Go ahead. Argue with
that
.

FROM THE JOURNAL OF

Travis Puckett

THE PUCKETT/DUBOISE DEBATES

TRAVIS: Hello?

GORDO: I have an Oscar-winning idea for a movie.

TRAVIS: No. Forget it. I’m hanging up. I’ve been here before.

GORDO: Just give me a chance! It’s called Me and Mickey, and it’s about these two kids who decide they’re going to bring Mickey Mantle home for their dad’s fortieth birthday.

TRAVIS: Does this have anything to do with the time you made me sneak into the Yankee clubhouse with you by pretending my leg was broken?

GORDO: Um—in a vague way.

TRAVIS: That’s what you said about Almost Like Being in Love. And it’s been six years!

GORDO: These things take time. Universal wants to preserve the integrity of the story.

TRAVIS: Then why did they cast Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts as me and Craig?

GORDO: To give it broader appeal.

TRAVIS: By making us detectives? Let me talk to A.J.

GORDO: She’s in Toronto.

TRAVIS: I don’t blame her.

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

Pop:

Any word on
Almost Like Being in Love
? I’ve got an antsy collaborator on the East Coast who’s ready to slit my throat long distance.

ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT

Literary Representatives

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK

TORONTO

LONDON

Gordon:

Good news. They’re not cops any more. Now they’re dueling reporters assigned to the 1962 Mets. 'Somebody’s nephew is doing the rewrite. He thinks it needs a shark.)

On an unrelated front, Bruce Willis wants to play a musketeer, but he doesn’t like swords or long hair or fluffy collars. So I sent Universal another copy of
Code Name Shapiro
with a new title page that says Die Hard IX. Just got a call from Business Affairs. They want to buy it.

Again.

By the way—I’m kidnaping my granddaughters on Saturday. There’s a puppet show at Chucky Cheese. You can come if you like, but your lap stays empty. I outrank you.

Grandpop