Almost Always: A Love Unexpected Novel (16 page)

Twenty five

             
My shoes
felt like they were made of lead as I climbed the steps to our front door. I was suddenly utterly drained. Dazed by the ordeal of pushing a million dollars under a ferry seat, I numbly recognized that it wasn't over yet. Still, I wanted to go up to my childhood room and pull the covers over my head like I used to do when I was eight years old. Everyone knows nothing can harm you when the covers are pulled up all the way.

Kason was waiting for me when I reached the top of the flight. He gathered me into his arms and I wept quietly onto his strong chest. In spite of everything, the warmth and the scent of him was as much of a homecoming as standing at my parents' door.

"It's okay, now. It's done. We won't have to wait long, I know it." His words sounded so sure. As he enveloped me in his embrace, I wanted to believe him. More than anything I wanted to accept that if he said it, it must be so. He kissed my throbbing temples and pressed his lips to my forehead before we joined my father and the entourage of cops, plainclothes agents, bodyguards and private eyes all waiting for the safe return of my mother, Marjorie Harding, beloved wife and cherished mother.

Kason was right, again and as usual. Mom trundled up the steps a few short minutes after I got home. I think everyone was a little surprised. They must have held her somewhere close to the house. I watched her fall into my father's arms to cry and be cradled much as I had done with Kason just moments before. The similarity made me inexplicably sad.

I gave them a moment before I claimed my mother's hug and we both boo-hoo'ed with relief and release. "Mom, I was so worried. Are you okay? Did they treat you okay?"

My resilient mother smiled at me. "Annalise, as kidnappings go, that was probably not a bad one." She turned to the group of men who had politely hung back to give her time with family before the barrage of questions came. "You all might as well hear what I have to say. I have to admit I'm a bit exhausted so I'd like to get this over with, if you don't mind."

Kason guided me to the couch and sat down beside me. He reached onto my lap to clasp my hand in his. I hung on to the strength of it. I had no choice.

"Gentlemen, I was blindfolded and taken for a long ride. There were many, many turns. I could have been going around the block or I could have been taken anywhere within an hour's ride of here. I heard the sound of bridges underneath the car, and I heard lots of traffic some of the time and little at others. I don't think that the car I was in ever got on an expressway." George put a glass of water in front of her and she gratefully took a long draw from the glass.

"The men who took me didn't talk much at all along the way. Until I reached the place they held me, I remained blindfolded. When the blindfold was removed, I was in a windowless room with a table and chair, a cot and a bathroom with a sink and toilet—no shower. A young lady took care of me while I was there. I calculate by the number of meals that it was three days." Several of her listeners nodded. "I can give you a detailed description of the girl later; I had plenty of chances to study her face. They fed me really good Italian food and the young lady was extremely polite. This morning, I was blindfolded once again, taken from the room and back into the car. And, again, I think we rode around for about an hour. If the route was the same, I don't know."

She turned and took my father's hand. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take my husband upstairs where he is going to wait for me to take a long hot shower. Then I am going to get in my bed and rest in his arms until I feel up to answering your questions."

Mom didn't wait for a response. She led my father up the stairs, hand in hand, just like I had seen them a thousand times. Kason squeezed my hand and leaned close to whisper in my ear. "We're going to go and do the same."

"Kason, I can't leave this house right now!"

"I think Marjorie deserves some time alone. There's no reason she and Don can't have a few hours of peace." He turned to the group of men now at loose ends. "I think you've gotten all the evidence from here that you're going to find. Leave the security to my men and Archie will call you when Mrs. Harding is ready to talk in more detail." I think the cops were happy to take his suggestion. These were not men who enjoyed sitting around waiting.

He turned to Archie and the Laotian bodyguards. "Can you fellows make yourselves fairly invisible? You know what I mean." The men nodded. "Archie, call me when you hear from Mrs. Harding and we'll take it from there. Taishi, bring the car around."

"It's right outside the door, boss."

It wasn't lost on me that even in a group of tough NYPD officers, FBI agents, deadly bodyguards and a private eye, Kason took control and no one questioned him.

He took my hand and guided me out the door and down the steps. I kept looking over my shoulder toward the door expecting to see my mother and father calling me back inside. But at that moment, the only person either of them was thinking about was the other. I understood.

"Your parents are so lucky to have one another," Kason remarked as we settled into the back seat of the waiting car.

"They have a rare bond," I agreed. I wanted to talk about love. I wanted to talk about the decision I had made on the way back from the pier in the taxi. I wanted to suck up the guts to tell him that I couldn't be happy with him, not in the way I wanted to be happy. The kind of happy my parents had.

"I think
we
have a rare bond. Perhaps not the same kind of bond, but unique all the same." Kason had a way of sensing my thoughts and setting up a pre-emptive argument. Usually, but not always that included an element of seduction. He knew exactly how to use the fact that I found him compellingly irresistible to move us to safer ground.

He stretched his legs out in front of him, cat-like, and placed a hand on mine. His skin glowed with our recent days in the sun, tawny as a Siamese. I was emotionally exhausted and the small gesture was comforting. The bond we shared had seen me through my mother's ordeal and I knew I should be grateful for having had Kason beside me.

I closed my eyes and he held my hand on as Taishi meandered across the river and into the bustle of Manhattan. When we reached Kason's apartment he offered me a hot bath.

"A good long soak will do you good. I'll pop out for a few moments and pick up some lunch." He practically forced me into his master bathroom and handed me a stack of fluffy towels. "After lunch, if you're up to it, I think we should talk."

Was he reading my mind? Did he know I was going to drop a bombshell on him as soon as I could suck up the courage to say what I had to say?

The steaming water swirled around me when I pressed the button for the Jacuzzi. The bubbles felt marvelous as they tickled away the tension of my morning. I was sad, but in a resigned way. In the kind of way that finally admits the truth. I could—I had to—live without him for sanity's sake.

I slipped my head under the water and listened to the sound of the churning water. There was a part of me that wanted to just stay submerged forever. Suddenly life had become a lot heavier. In France, I had allowed myself to be swept into his world. It was a pretty carefree world, when you got right down to the nut. He immersed himself in pleasure and beauty and, as long as his back wasn't up against the wall, he was carefree.

Carefree didn't seem natural to me. I cared a great deal and about a great many things. I cared about family, about friends, about the direction of my life and, ultimately, I cared about finding the kind of love that walked up the stairs, hand in hand.

Fluffy, thick towels, marble bathtubs with champagne bubbled water, naked walks on foreign beaches,
foie gras
and leaf wrapped cheese weren't really part of my world. As I dried myself, I thought how much more I was about a grilled cheese sandwich on white bread and a stroll in Central Park. I was Marjorie and Don Harding's daughter, grounded and ordinary. I had let myself be swept away and I forgave myself, but it was time to get back in control.

Instead of putting on one of the pair of bathrobes that hung on a warming rack near the door, I dressed in my clothes again. Kason was far too practiced with robes, that much I knew. He was laying food out on the coffee table when I emerged from the bedroom.

"I've got killer sandwiches from Dean and Deluca. Are you starved?" He put a platter of goodies on the table. "I sure am."

"I am hungry. It looks delicious." Anything I had to say to him could wait until after we ate. Besides, I loved watching him eat. He took the same kind of sensual pleasure in his appetite for food as he did with his other appetites. When he consumed a meal, he was utterly committed to it. I loved the way he considered every morsel, savored all the flavors even in the simple things like a deli sandwich.

We had our lunch in quiet companionship. It was ironic to me that just as Kason seemed to be getting more comfortable with me; I was preparing to put the brakes on. At one point, he looked up at me over a bite of pastrami on rye.

"You're looking lost in thought."

"I have a lot to think about."

"I know. I've been doing some thinking too." He put his quarter sandwich down on the plate and continued. "First, your Dad's not out of the woods yet. Even though I believe, along with the FBI and Archie, that the union guys aren't responsible for Marjorie's kidnapping, they are still very much out there."

I hadn't really thought much about my father's assailants. I guess the relief of having Mom safe sort of pushed that ugly truth out of my mind.

"I think we may yet have to face a confrontation on that issue. I've got some folks working in the back rooms to see if there's a peaceful way to get them to back off that will satisfy your father and the unions."

Dear Kason. He never stopped. "Thanks," I murmured.

"But there's another thing I know has to be weighing on you."

Will he actually bring it up? Is he going to finally broach the unmentionable—our relationship?

"We have utterly neglected the subject of your employment. I promised you when you went with me to France that I would make up for missing those interviews." Another thing that had been relegated to the cobweb infested corner of my mind. How could I have forgotten?

"Here's the thing," he went on. "I think the best course of action is for you to have your own business. Being your own boss is the only way for you to be free enough to . . . free enough for . . ."

"For what, Kason?" I wanted to hear him say it.

"Free to be with me. Okay? I don't want you tied down to a nine to five situation. I want you to be able to close the door and walk away when I . . . when
we
want to get away."

"I see." I looked him square in those hazel forest eyes that threatened to tear my resolve into tiny pieces. "You want to find me a business that will allow me to be at your beck and call."

"I didn't say that. I thought we both wanted to be able to spend time together, that's all."

"I don't know. Is that what we both want?"

"What's gotten into you? You're awfully hostile all of a sudden."

I looked at him and softened. He wasn't really a mind reader. He was trying to help my parents and help me find my way in a city that didn't give a lot of breaks. "I don't mean to be hostile, Kason. It's just that you've never actually asked me what it is
I
want."

"Okay, I'm asking now."

I drew in a long courage-building breath. "I think it's easier for me to tell you what I don't want. I don't want to live only in the moment. I don't want to feel that asking you about where we're going is a criminal offense. I don't want to never be able to
expect
anything from you . . . from us. I don't want to be with a man whose past is forever kept behind a veil."

"Oh. I guess then it's my turn to say, 'I see'." He began to mechanically fold up the refuse from lunch. He shoved the last uneaten part of his sandwich viciously into the bag and stood up with the trash in his hands. Wordlessly, he walked to the kitchen and I heard the thump and thwack of the bag hitting the trash shute and the door slamming back in place.

When he returned, there was a lot less light in his leafy eyes. He sat down next to me and gently took my hands in his. "Annalise, I'm sorry. Very sorry. I hope you will let me see through the situation with your parents and help you find a position. It's the least I can do."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?" I was shocked. I had been kidding myself that somehow he would want to make it right. To open up, to
bend
a little.

He stood up and kissed my forehead with a softness that brought tears to my eyes. "I'm going to my office for the afternoon. Stay as long as you like. Taishi will be downstairs when you're ready to go back to your house. I'll be in touch . . . later." Then he was gone.

Twenty six

My room seemed small, shabby and like it belonged to a little girl. I felt like a little girl. A lost one.

I didn't mention the 'scene' with Kason to my parents. By the time I got home it was dinner time and Mom was back in her place at the stove, throwing together a nice supper for Dad and I. I gave them both a big hug and fled upstairs hoping that my devastating sadness wasn't written all over my face. They needed some peace and happiness, not my self-pity to bring them down.

I soaked my pillow with some hot tears of frustration and anger. I had blown it big time and deserved to have Kason cut me out of his life. The man had been kind, generous and totally up front about himself and I just couldn't leave it alone. I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a man like Kason Royce. I was a bad cliché. The girl who just has to push until she pushes the one man she really wants out of her life.

I was surprised when my father told me he had talked to Kason that afternoon. He blithely related what a great guy Kason was. That he was handling the union problem with subtlety and real street smarts. Kason had informed Dad that even though there were plenty of witnesses to the beating, none of them would testify publicly.

"Damn cowards, every one," my father fumed. "Kason says that even though we know, beyond a doubt, who the guys are and where they are, our hands are tied. Kason wants to set them up—a sting—and get them on tape."

"I hope you told him to find another star for his show," my mother said.

"Are you kidding? I'm the only logical one. Kason said . . ."

"Dad, can we just stop with 'Kason said' and 'Kason wants'? Please?" I really didn't need to hear much more about wonder-boy. My mother shot me a strange look

"Did you and Kason have a fight?" she asked me.

"No, mother. We didn't have a fight. We just want different things. Okay?" I pushed myself away from the table. "It's been a long and mostly rotten day. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed."

My phone mocked me from the nightstand. I couldn't will it to ring. I couldn't, by sheer force of thought make Kason dial my number and say "We need to talk" or "I've changed my mind" or any number of things I so wanted to hear.

I tried to put him out of my mind. I was actually watching South Pacific on the classic movie channel. It was corny and old, old school. It was even an old movie by my parents' standards. I had forgotten the night Kason and I first made love in Brian's loft. But it all came back to me when Rossano Brazzi started to sing "Some Enchanted Evening". When he got to the end and sang "then fly to her side, and make her your own, or all through your life you may dream all alone" I started to cry again.

"Is that what you want, Kason?" I asked the empty room. "You want to dream all alone? What an awful waste," I sobbed. My American Girl dolls all looked down from the shelf at me and I imagined they felt sorry for me. I cried harder, wishing I could go back to a time when my biggest concern was whether I'd get the outfits and furniture for them that I asked for Christmas.

It was still early when I fell into a teary, exhausted sleep, snubbing into the wet pillow as the last of my impotent sobs resided. I woke up at eleven thirty, then two, then three. I fought the urge to get up and tossed back into a fitful sleep.

***

              I woke in a burning sweat. My skin was soaked. The clock said five-thirty. It was close enough to dawn for me to get up. The prospect of the dream that had awoken me returning motivated me out of the treacherous bed that led me to such a miserable nightmare.

I went down to the kitchen and started the coffee. I've always hated getting up before the sun. The darkest hour was made even darker by the dream in which I kept hearing Kason whispering to Elsa . . . all the things I knew he had probably really said to her. The things he'd never say to me.

Mercifully, I wasn't alone with my thoughts very long. George wandered up the stairs and Dad came down. I got busy cooking up a batch of biscuits. I knew my mother would welcome the smell of baking bread when she joined us. By the time the sun was fully up, breakfast was well underway and the dream receded into the backwaters of my mind.

I intended to stay busy and keep my thoughts from drifting to Kason. He had said that he'd be in touch, but I knew better than to expect it to be any time in the near future. I had made my decision and I had said the words. I couldn't take them back now and he couldn't take back the gentle but cold dismissal of my needs.

As the day wore on, I was thankful that my sadness began to morph into anger. Anger is a lot easier to channel into productivity than sadness. I didn't want to be depressed, I wanted to take action. Since the day I met Kason, I had allowed him to take control of my emotions. He had made all the rules and I had blithely followed them out of fear that not doing so would lose him.

Indeed, that's exactly what happened. As my mind wrapped itself around the damage I had done, I started to forgive myself. I watched my parents cherish one another in the small things as they began their umpteenth day together. She poured him coffee, he shared a headline or two out of the morning paper. When he rose to take his plate to the sink, he picked hers up as well and gave her a little peck on the cheek. It was all very mundane.

My mother didn't have to ask my father to be there the next morning, or the next or the next. And if she had, he would have thought it an honor to promise her anything. He would not have felt cornered or thought her needy for asking. As much as I would miss Kason's touch and the adventure and excitement of time spent with him, I deserved as much as my mother. I deserved to expect.

By midday, I had the want ads spread out on one end of the table and my laptop at the other. My resume was slim, but polished. There was no point now in kicking myself over blowing off those interviews to go to France with Kason. There was a job waiting for me out there and I intended to find it.