Alma Mater (27 page)

AI.MA
MATER
169

"Oh, yes, you do, or you wouldn't have shoved the note under the
door, Mignon. Let's just get it out and get it over with. Tell me what you're thinking."

A startled quail flew out of a hedge, a few throaty notes signifying
its discomfort.

Mignon kicked a small stone with the tip of her shoe. "I don't think
you and Chris are discussing astrophysics."

"Three points. Shoot again."

"Well . . I don't care." She shrugged insouciantly. "I don't care
what you do."

"Look, you want to know what I'm doing, you want to know why
I'm doing it. You're the typical brat, worm, crud, nosy little sister." This
was said with good humor.

"Want to hear what you are?"

"Queer. Is that what you're going to say? Go right ahead."

A hurt look crossed Mignon's face. "No, I wasn't going to say that. I would never say that. I don't care if you're queer. I mean that's not such a nice word, is it?"

"I don't know. I've never much thought about the words."
"Are you?"

"Queer?"

"Yeah."

"Always?"

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"Like, no kissing girls in high school?" Mignon hunched up her shoulders, a funny, elfin gesture.

"God, no." Vic laughed.

"So." Mignon breathed in the damp cool air, cool to the bone.
"What happened?"

Vic slipped her arm through her sister's. "Don't know. I just looked
at Chris one day, the sun fell like powdered gold on her, and I felt my
heart thump. I couldn't exactly catch my breath and I—" She paused.
"—I knew I loved her. And I lusted after her. I can't give you reasons. I
don't have any. I just have feelings."

"Think that will happen to me?"

"Oh, Mignon, always back to you." Vic lowered her voice in mock
frustration.

"I don't mean it like that. And anyway, what do you expect? I
mean, were you just thinking about everyone else when you were fifteen? I bet you sat around and thought only about yourself. You just didn't say it. At least,
1
say it. But that's not what
1
meant"

"What do you mean then?"

"Will I fall in love like that some day?"

"How would I know?"

"You're my older sister. You're supposed to know everything.
You're supposed to go first. That's the deal." Vic smiled as Mignon
continued. "How do people fall in love? A brick hits you in the head? Your brains fall into your pants? What?"

"It's different for different people. I guess for me it was kind of love
at first sight, but I didn't know it. For someone else, the person grows
on them. Takes time. For other people, they start out just hating each
other. That's what Aunt Bunny says. She thought Uncle Don was as at
tractive as dog breath. Sony, Piper."

The golden retriever wagged her tail. No insult taken.

"They fought and insulted one another, and hey, somewhere along
the way, I guess he started to look good to her. Who knows how it will
happen to you?"

"If
you're gay, maybe
I'll
be like that, too. Like maybe there's a
gene or something. I could inherit it."

"You're so full of it. Jesus H. Christ on a raft. You are what you are.
Whatever .1 am has nothing to do with you."

"Well, you didn't think you were gay when you were my age."

"I didn't think about anything except lacrosse and field hockey
when I was your age, Mignon. I just wanted to play sports and pull my
grades. We're very different."

"But how do you know?"

"You know when you need to know—about everything, not just being gay or falling in love. When you need to know something in life,
it comes to you or you learn it or someone shows up and teaches you. That's as near as I can figure."

"I love you. You're my sister. I'd have to love you even if I didn't
love you, but I don't want to be gay."

"You're not." Vic breathed in and then said, "I love you. I don't al
ways know why. Seven years' difference is a lot. When we get older, it won't be such a gap, but when I was fourteen, you were seven and you
were the biggest pest. I don't know why Mom and Dad waited so long
to have you."

"I wasn't planned."

"But you know they wanted you more than anything."

"Now you can't have kids." Mignon thought about this as they
reached the mailbox. She reached in and took out the
Richmond
Times-
Dispatch.

"You're way ahead of me. I haven't thought that far."

"Vic, what about Charly?"

"1 don't know." Vic draped her arm over the mailbox. "I have to do
something. I have to do the right thing, but Jesus, I dread it." She
looked straight at Mignon. "Are you going to run blabbing to Mom?"

"No," Mignon replied crossly, her voice rising.

"Guess that wasn't very fair of me. I'm sorry. I've got a lot to figure

out.

They started back up the long drive.

"Couldn't you keep going out with Charly until I get big enough so
that he might look at me? He is so totally cool."

Vic laughed. "No, I can't do that."

"But maybe if you kept going out with him you'd change your
mind. You'd get tired of Chris."

"I'm not going to get tired of Chris, and even if I did, how do you
know I wouldn't go out with another woman? Mignon, I'm not a
faucet. I can't turn on and off."

"Yeah, but you went all this time without being gay."

"I can't explain it, but I swear to you, Mignon, it just is. It just is—like this mist burning off the river. It just is. I can't go back. I
can't."

Mignon emitted a long, deep sigh. "It's going to be weird. Having
a gay sister."

"Oh, just call me Twisted Sister. Sounds better than Queer Sister. And what? You're the only person in the world with a lesbian for a sis
ter? Poor you."

"I don't care. I just said it will be weird. I'll get used to it."
"That's big of you."

"1 have a generous disposition."

"Now are you going to act bizarre around Chris?"

"Nah. I'll try not to think of you kissing her."

"Mignon, you kill me. You really do. I'll try not to think of you
kissing Buzz Schonfeld."

"I would never! Oh, how can you even say that?"

Vic whistled a few bars from "Dixie," which was another way of
saying, Bullshit.

"Hey, it's Marjorie Solomon who wants to kiss him, not me. Oh,
man." Mignon stopped for a moment. "She will make my life hell when
she finds out I have a gay sister. Shit. Vic, don't come out until I gradu
ate from high school."

"I doubt I will be the burning topic of the day at Surry High."
"No, but I will."

"That's right. I forgot. You're the most popular girl in the school."
"Asshole."

"Be more original."

"Dyke."

"That's interesting."

"Hey, it's not asshole."

"You're right." Vic watched a patch of ground fog in a hollow be
gin to disperse. "Let me tell Mom when I'm ready."

"Years."

"Not years, but when I'm ready. The first thing I have to do is talk
to Charly."

"You fell out of love with him?"

"No. I loved him, but I didn't know what this kind of feeling was. It's kind of hard to know something when everything and everyone
around you keeps you on a different track. Does that make sense? I
didn't know any different, Mignon. I didn't know squat."

"So you are really and truly in love with Chris?"

"Yes, I am."

"Okay. What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Keep on keeping on, and don't drop the judicious hint. I

know how you are. You've got a secret. It will kill you not to tell it."
"I might know more secrets than just yours," Mignon fired back.
"More power to you."

"Don't you want to try and get them out of me?"

"No, I don't. Right now I'm overwhelmed with my own life. When
I get through all this I will beg you to tell me."

"You don't give me any credit."

"I do. I'm sure you have secrets."

"Not my secrets. Other people's secrets."

"Fine. Mignon, I'm on overload. Christ, I found out I'm gay. Or at
least I'm in love with a woman, so everyone is going to call me gay. I
might as well get used to it. I have this wonderful guy who's in love
with me. I have to break up with him even though I really care about
him. I do. Mom and Dad assume I'm going to marry him after college.
I'm not. I have to contend with them. Dad's run us flat out of money. I
can't walk off and leave Mom. And I can't leave you. You're going to college even if I have to pay for it."

Mignon leaned her shoulder next to Vic's for a few strides. "I do
want to go to college."

"Well, baby cakes, you've got to work next summer. I've got to
work."

"Dad might get the money back."

"Money and Dad are allergic to each other."

"Yeah. But why can't Mom borrow from Aunt Bunny?"

"Mmm, I don't think Uncle Don will go for it. If he lends us
money, he probably won't get it back. That's the way he thinks. He
won't do it."

"Why can't Aunt Bunny do it?"

"Because she feels the same way. She might not say it, but I don't
think Aunt Bunny would give money to Dad."

"She's not giving it to Dad. She's giving it to Mom."

"Mignon, it's not going to happen. People are really weird about
money. You think people are weird about sex . ." She shook her

head. "Doesn't matter. We'll get through it. But you've got to work
next summer."

"I will. I'll work with Hojo."

"What's this with you and Hojo?"

"Nothing. I think she's funny."

"Funny enough to stick holes in your ears."

"Yeah. Guess I shouldn't work for Uncle Don."

Vic noticed the smoke from the chimney hanging over the roof.
"Work for whoever you
¹
want who will hire you."

"Vic."

"What?"

"What if Chris gets tired of you? You ever think of that?"
"No."

"Maybe you should. You're going to dump Charly. What if you get
dumped?"

"I can't change the way I feel. If I get dumped, hey, that's life."
"Maybe he'd take you back."

"Mignon, I can't go back to him. I'm not there." Vic blew air out
her nostrils, two streams of condensation. "Is it that bad having a gay
sister?"

"I
don't know. I never had one before," Mignon replied saucily.
"Well, get used to it." She thought a moment. "When did you
know?"

"Last visit."

"How?"

Mignon shrugged. "I just kind of did."

"You think Mom or Aunt Bunny knows? Dad wouldn't even think
of it."

"No,
but they'll figure it out eventually. Especially Aunt Bunny,
sexual radar queen."

"Look who's talking."

"I don't really have a sexual radar. Last time, I snuck into your
room in the middle of the night, and you weren't there. That's how I
knew."

Piper lifted her head, sniffing the bacon odor escaping from the kitchen stove vent.