Alluring Turmoil (22 page)

I feel Jude tense in my arms and he pulls back from me. He rolls away from me, pulling out, and lies on his back staring at the ceiling. “What do you mean? Do you… do you regret it, Lex?”

I turn his face to mine and see the anxiety in his eyes. My hand touches his face and he closes his eyes. “No, Jude! I don’t regret it. I could never regret it. I just mean that with everything… I never thought we’d be back here… together… like this. But no, I don’t regret it. I feel… I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be. Does that make sense?”

I place a sweet kiss on the corner of his mouth and snuggle into his side, laying my head on his chest, and throwing my arm around his waist.

He curls into my body and places his arm around me, and over mine, cradling me. “Honestly, Lex, neither did I. You’ve been on my mind… in my head… forever. Even when I thought I hated you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You were the girl I saw when I closed my eyes… always. So yes, it makes sense. I don’t know why, but
we make sense,
Lex.”

His words touch my heart and I kiss his heart to show him how much I care. I can’t say it. Not yet, but I love this man so much. I’ve never stopped.

We lie in silence for awhile, just holding each other. Then, he breaks the quiet. It’s like the dark is allowing us to talk about things… things we can’t bring up in the harsh light of day.

He clears his throat. “Lex?” He chokes on his words, so he tries again. “Lex, one person? In eight years, really? You’ve only had sex with one person?”

I sigh and say, “Yeah, one person and it only happened a couple of times. It was in college, and well… I shouldn’t have. But I just wanted to live a little, and not miss out on the whole ‘college experience’. I mean don’t get me wrong, I dated… I just never wanted more and after a few dates… I was no longer interested. I was looking for something to make me feel alive and nothing did. So, I finally just stopped and focused on school. Then after graduation, Erik and I opened Java and Sweeties, and that took everything I had. I poured everything into the business and that’s why it’s as successful as it is now. I didn’t want anything else…” I trail off at the end.

Jude is quiet for a minute and I wonder what he’s thinking. Then he talks softly, like he doesn’t want to disturb the night. “Lex… I know that shouldn’t make me happy… but it does. The idea that you’ve never loved anyone else… it makes me very happy.” He leans in and kisses me while looking into my eyes. The moon makes his eyes appear silver. “I-I’ve… I’ve been with a lot of women. A lot. I don’t know how many and I don’t know their names or remember their faces. But there was a time when all I did was sing, drink, and screw… I’m sorry. I was in a bad place and, well, it was wrong and it didn’t make me feel good. But back then, I didn’t really feel anything. Of every woman I’ve ever been with… I only remember one’s face:
yours
… Even when I was with them… I saw
you
. I know that’s fucked up, and I know that it doesn’t make it ok, but I want to be honest with you. I’ve loved one woman in my entire life and she’s in my arms right now…”

My chest hurts. I know Jude’s been with throngs of women. I’m not naïve or stupid, but to have it put out there like that… it’s not easy to hear. But I also know that he’s telling me that he cares, that he’s always cared. We have to move forward, not backwards. If I focus on the things he did when we weren’t together, I’m going to lose him and I can’t lose him. I make a decision.

“Jude… I know you have. You’re a gorgeous, famous rock star. And what you did… who you did… it doesn’t matter. We weren’t together. It’s not my business. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt, but I’m not going to let what’s in the past affect our future… and I– I want a future with you.”

He looks at me. “I’ll never hurt you, Lexi. I love you. I’ve always loved you… only you. I know it’s soon and I’m sorry for that, but I love you. I’ve never stopped.”

Tears fill my eyes and he leans in to kiss them away, as they fall and run into my hair and onto his chest. “Don’t cry, baby. You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted to be honest with you… and I love you.”

Smiling through my tears, I kiss his chin and say, “I love you too, you stupid man. It’s always been you for me.” He whoops for joy, startling me, and I jump. We both laugh. We’re full of elation in the moment. We kiss and caress, and eventually things get heated. Jude pulls another condom out of his pocket and we make love, again.

After our hearts once again settle, we lie on the bed, sticky and sweaty, allowing the fans to cool our heated skin.

Jude takes a deep breath, and I wait to hear what he’s going to say.

“I have to tell you something, but I’m nervous, because I don’t know how you’re going to take it.” His hands are clenching and unclenching in the blanket, and my heart rate suddenly speeds up.

What is he going to say?

I take a deep breath and answer him. “O…k… What is it? Just tell me because it can’t be any worse than what’s going through my head right now!”

He grimaces. “God, no. Nothing like that. The label called today before the concert. They want Bayou Stix to go out on a small tour of festivals and fairs. They think it would be good for us to gain a new audience and to allow our fans to see us in smaller settings… more intimate. Rock Hard Magazine would tag along… Blue would be there documenting it and they’d have exclusive rights.”

This is not what I was expecting… he just got here. I just got him back. What does this mean for us?

“Oh. Well, for how long?”

He trails his fingers up my back and down my arm. “Ten weeks… One festival a weekend, with exclusive album signings during the week, in select cities.”

I take that in… Two and a half months on the road. Away from me…

“When would you leave?”

He lets out his breath and hugs me. “We head out in two weeks. First stop is Florida and we’d end up in Vegas at the end of November. I’ll be back here for Christmas.”

What am I supposed to say to that? No Jude, you can’t go. I won’t let you. That’s selfish. Don’t be selfish, Lexi. You’re a big girl. And if you’re going to be with Jude, he’s a rock star. A fucking rock star! He’s not going to be here all the time. It’s only a few weeks. You can handle it. It’s no big deal. Right?

“Ok.” That’s all I’ve got.

He sits up, bringing me with him and pulls me into his lap. “Just ok? You have nothing to say?”

I look at him exasperated. “What am I supposed to say, Jude? ‘No you can’t go?’! Am I supposed to beg you to stay? I don’t know what you’re expecting from me! I don’t know how to be a rock star’s girlfriend!” I snap and try to pull out of his arms.

“Stop, Lex! Baby, stop! Don’t! Don’t get upset. I can’t stand to see you upset. And I’m not asking you to be a rock star’s girlfriend. I’m Jude. Just Jude. Be
my
girlfriend. Ok? Just be with me. Not Jude the rock star. Just Jude, the man who’s loved you his entire life. The man who loves you
now
!”

I’ve upset him. He’s pissed.

I lean over and hug him, turning to straddle his lap and laying my head on his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. This is new for me, ok? You have to give me some slack. This is your life and I get that, but my life is here, in Baton Rouge. I’m a business owner. I don’t know how to deal with your world yet. You have to bear with me. I’m yours… only yours. As long as you want me, I’m yours. Ok?”

He takes my mouth in a passionate kiss and my thighs start to tingle again, as I feel his cock start to swell against my sex.

“I want you. I want you forever. Just you. Fuck the rest! If this is going to be too much for you, we can work something out. We can figure something out, for you… For you, I’ll do anything, baby!”

Reaching down, I grab his cock and guide him to my entrance. He stares into my eyes as I slowly slide down his length, taking the reins and taking him deep within me.

He props his back against my headboard and his eyes stay locked with my gaze, as I slowly ride him, showing him just what he means to me.

He grabs my hips and starts pulling me harder onto him. I plant my feet against the mattress and ease off of him to just the tip, before slamming back down onto him. With every downward stroke, his cock is rubbing against my G-spot. I throw my head back and my hair brushes against my waist. I moan.

“That’s it, baby. Take me. Take what you want. Tell me how good I feel and how much you want me. Fuck me, Lex.” Jude is slamming into me, gripping my hips so tightly I may have bruises in the morning.

“God, Jude. You feel so good. Your cock feels so good. I want you. Only you. God…” My rhythm is increasing and I’m high with the pleasure of Jude’s massive sex filling me.

“Oh, Lex… Oh God… Just like that, baby. Yes… Harder… I’m right there… Scream my name, baby. Scream for me when you cum.” Jude grips my hips and pulls me harder onto his cock.

I scream out with my release, “
JUDE
…. Fuck fuck fuck… I love you. Oh…… God…… I love you…”

My orgasm sets him off and he cums deep inside of me, holding my hips still as he spasms into me. “Ohhhh Lex. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. I love you, baby! Never leave me. Never leave me again!”

Through my sexual haze of satisfaction I somewhat register his last words, just before I black out.

Jude

Holy shit! How is it that each time with Lexi is better than the one before? How the fuck am I going to survive without her for ten weeks?

Wait… we didn’t use a condom this time. She said she’s on the pill though… But we forgot… She makes me lose my mind.

As I regain my senses, I feel my cum leaking out of Lexi. She’s limp in my arms.

“Lex? Lexi, baby? Are you ok?” She’s out cold. I raise her off of me, falling out in the process, and lay her back on the bed.

I think she passed out.

I’ve never fucked someone into blacking out before…

I rise off of the bed and kiss her cheek before heading into the bathroom to clean off and grab a washcloth, wetting it, and heading back into the bedroom to clean Lexi off.

As I’m wiping the last of my leaking fluids from her thighs, she opens her eyes. “What happened?”

I smirk and say, “Well, I think you passed out. Still on top of me, I might add.”

Her face is so red it almost matches her hair as she sputters out, “
OH MY GOD!
Seriously? I passed out? From sex? How does that even happen?”

I laugh and shrug. “I guess it was just that good, baby. Not that I’ve ever had someone pass out on me like that before. You are the first, but I kind of like it. I like knowing you were so satisfied and spent you blacked out. Quite the compliment. You can say it. Come on, baby, say it!”

She punches my shoulder and tucks her chin against her chest. “Say what, you ego maniac?”

Chuckling, I raise her chin and kiss her mouth, “Say, ‘Jude, baby… you were
AMAZING
. So amazing, you
ROCKED
my world so much, that I passed out!’ ‘Cause you know I did!”

She shoves me again, while holding off a smirk. “I am
so
not saying that. And excuse me, but I was on top, so I think I rocked
YOUR
world, smartass!”

“True. But I’m not the one who passed out.”

“Oh, shut up.” She’s laughing. I love being here like this with her, laughing and so comfortable with each other.

“Hey, Lex…”

“Yeah, Jude?” She’s still tracing the flower of my tattoo. Of all the tattoos I have, she seems to really love the microphone and daisy.

“I love you.”

She smiles and whispers against my ear, “I… Love… You… Too.”

We both stare at each other with love in our gazes and decide we need to shower and get some sleep.

Once clean, we curl up together, and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Lexi

T
he alarm goes off and I’m burrowed into Jude’s chest. Our legs are tangled and even in his sleep, he’s got me tucked into his side.

I lift up, settle my head onto my palm, and just look at him.

A devious thought enters my mind and I slowly, so as not to wake him, untangle myself and slide down his body. Just as I reach my intended target, I hear, “Don’t stop on my account. If you’re about to do what I think you’re about to do, I’m going to pretend to go back to sleep so you can wake me this way instead.” Jude’s husky, morning voice startles me.