Allie's War Season One (90 page)

“Allie.” His light slid deeper. I swallowed, having trouble holding his gaze. “Allie...I won’t need any more distracting. I promise.”

I nodded. When he didn’t say anything else, I slid backwards a little on the bed, extricating myself from his light. I did it mostly just to give myself space to think. Feeling his eyes on me still, I looked out the window.

The sun had come out for real. Giant clouds clustered around the peaks I could still see, but the sky was a deep blue. I watched birds alight on the bamboo roof. One little brown bird played in a puddle on a curved stave. It shivered so that drops splattered out in a mist before dunking its head. Another bird started chirping at it, vying for the same puddle.

Smiling, I glanced over, and found Revik watching me again.

When I didn’t look away, he held out a hand.

Hesitating only a bare second, I slid nearer. I knew now, at least, that nothing was going to happen. It got some of the suspense out of the way.

Once I was close enough, he curled an arm around my waist, pulling me into his arms before I could react. It startled me. Okay...a lot, but I didn’t resist him. I stiffened as he resettled against the wall, bringing my back against his chest. He wrapped an arm around me crosswise, gripping my shoulder, then relaxed deliberately, merging into me.

For a long moment, I felt nothing off him but warmth, a kind of pulling affection. Realizing I was reacting to him anyway, just from the mere fact of him touching me, I fought to relax, to clear my mind. I tried watching the sky outside. I was aware of his fingers caressing my shoulder though, and his leg shifting behind my back. He held me tighter, wrapping his other arm around my waist.

“Allie.”

When I looked up, I felt myself flush.

His face was only a few inches from mine. He cleared his throat, gesturing towards me vaguely again, just before I saw his skin darken. I saw the question there, and looked from one of his eyes to the other. Finally, I rested my head on his shoulder.

“What?” I said.

He said, “I’d like to kiss you. Can I?”

My cheeks warmed. Somehow it hadn’t occurred to me that we’d still be make-out buddies under the scenario he’d just outlined. My eyes settled on his mouth, then drifted back up to his. I found myself remembering saying goodbye to him, in the airport.

I knew at least part of the reason I was hesitating. It was the distracting thing, what he’d said about other women. I hadn’t missed the plural he’d thrown in there, either. I had to assume he meant Kat, that seer prostitute in Seattle...the same one he’d made out with right in front of me, who’d called me “worm” and taunted me ceaselessly about Revik and my general cluelessness. He told me in Vancouver, in his usual, tactful way, that he hadn’t ‘fucked’ her while we were in Seattle. Now I had to assume they’d done everything but. Hell, for all I knew, there were others on the ship. He could have been shielding his activities from me before.

But I had to let that go, too. I had to.

Looking up at him again, I nodded. “Okay.”

His eyes looked pained. “Allie,” he began. “I didn’t mean anything...”

I shook my head. “Don’t,” I said. “Please. Don’t ruin it.”

After another pause, he nodded, but I could tell he wanted to say more. He slid a hand into my hair, caressing it back from my cheek, then my neck. I was trying to decide if I should touch him or say something, when I felt a shiver from him again...it might have been pain...just before he lowered his head.

His mouth was careful, just like I remembered.

It was so strange, being kissed by him, given everything. I couldn’t connect it at first to my feelings, or even directly to the person I'd known before all this...the one I’d thought about kissing all the time, at least on the ship. For a long moment, he kept things warm, even affectionate, not using his tongue. He kissed my mouth and neck, pausing to caress my cheek with his...then he went back to my mouth. I couldn’t decide whether I could relax into this. Every part of me was starting to hurt as he kissed my throat...when his mouth found mine again.

That time, he parted my lips.

His tongue was warmer than his skin. After a few seconds, I felt my stress from our conversation beginning to evaporate. All that remained were his lips and tongue, his fingers caressing my face. My hands were in his hair then, clutching the shorter part at the back of his head. I realized I was probably holding him too tightly...when his arm snaked once more around my waist. I found myself being pulled and pushed backwards to the bed, until he was half-lying on me.

He kissed me again. I lost track of how long that kiss lasted.

We were both breathing hard when it ended. His skin was flushed. He held me tighter, not looking at me now, but seemingly out the window. My hand was inside the gray t-shirt, my arm wrapped around his back. I felt scar tissue around the muscle, broken by smooth skin. I was still caressing his back when he caught my wrist, pulling my fingers off him.

“We should stop,” he said. His voice was gruff. “Now, Allie.”

“All right,” I said.

He looked down at me. Before I could get my head around letting go of him, he was kissing me again. Emotion slid through me that time, a kind of disbelief mixed with wanting...I realized it was his. A few moments later, he rested his head on my shoulder. Pain flickered through me, and I realized that was his, too.

“Allie...” he said. “...I’ve missed you. So much.”

I swallowed, fighting a sudden hardness in my throat. I tugged on his hair.

“I missed you, too,” I managed.

He was looking at me again, and I felt the conflict, even before I saw it in his eyes. Everything hurt. My fingers clenched in his shirt.

“Revik,” I blurted. “Please. What’s the real reason? You can tell me.”

Pain hardened his features. “Allie...”

“Are you still unsure about us? Do you need more time?”

The look on his face brought the pain back in a thick wave, intense enough that I closed my eyes, gripping his arms.

“Revik...please. Just tell me.”

“Allie,” he said. His accent was thick again. “I’m not lying to you. This thing connecting us...I don’t want you to feel trapped with me...”

“I don’t feel trapped!” I said.

“But you’re not used to these kinds of aleimic pulls. You might not be able to tell the difference...”

“I can tell the difference! I promise you, I can...”

His pain hit at me again, sliding deeper into my light.

“I promised myself,” he said. “...I promised myself I wouldn’t take advantage of this. Not until I knew what you wanted...” He met my gaze, his jaw hard. “I loved you before Seattle. I know you don’t trust me because of what I did, but please...
please
believe me about this. I’m doing this for you...please...”

I felt tears coming to my eyes; it mortified me, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. I saw him looking down at me, his expression helpless.

“We can’t,” he said. “We can’t here...even if...” I saw him look around, at the room, at the bed. His pain slid through me again, and I let out a gasp.

Excruciatingly, his light started to withdraw from mine.

Something in me fought back. I didn’t mean to do it exactly; something about having him finally so close just opened all the floodgates. I’d been in pain so long I couldn’t remember what it was like before. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had touched me, much less him...which brought back all those times of nearly touching him but not, looking for him in the Barrier when he was with Terian just so I could feel him...sometimes only for a few seconds. Some nights it took hours to find him, but I’d still look forward to being able to sleep just so I could look. My light flared towards his. Everything went silent. I felt naked...

I don’t know how it felt from his side. His breath caught.

“Alyson. Gods...baby...don’t...”

“I’m sorry...” Pain crippled me. “I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be sorry...Allie...”

His fingers wound tighter into my hair. He leaned into me, and I let out a cry. I could barely see through my light...or maybe through his, which coiled into mine invasively as I lay under him. I felt him losing control, going deeper, pulling at me, and my fingers clenched on his back. His face grew taut, nearly hard.

“Revik...please...” I felt him flinch. “Please...”

His fingers curled around my hip, gripping me painfully.

“Please...” I murmured. “Please, baby...”

He was pushing me then, hard...pushing on my light, pushing me closed, pushing me back...holding me away from him.

He climbed off me before I knew what was happening.

I could only lie there, in more pain than I’d ever been in my life. I couldn’t see. Time passed...what felt like a long span of time but could have been seconds, or hours. I lay there, holding my stomach with one arm. I lost track of where he was. I felt completely alone, and broken.

When I could focus again, I found myself staring at the ceiling. My arm was still wrapped around my body. Blood warmed my face. I fought to speak, to pull myself back...but he spoke before I could. He was lying next to me, I realized, doing something to my light, but clinically, as if from a great distance.

“Vash said you went out this morning.” His light continued to calm mine; his voice was soft. “Are you all right?”

I didn’t move. I felt like I had that morning in Seattle, waking up like I’d been cracked open and reassembled with a few pieces missing. Shifting away from him on the bed, I fought to extricate my light. The pain came back up in another thick, black wave, until I was blinded again.

“Slow,” he murmured. He held my arms, pulling me back against him. I felt him caressing my fingers, holding my hand as he pulled me closer. “Allie...tell me about the trip this morning. The helicopter.”

I tried to think.

“No problems,” I said. “We didn’t have any problems...” My voice sounded bleak. “It was only recon...we didn’t get close.” Swallowing, I leveled my voice. I felt that part of me pulling on him still, but couldn’t stop it, or stop touching him apparently, as I caressed his arms where he held me. “...Couldn’t see much. The fires are worse. There hasn’t been any rain on that side of the mountains. Still a lot of dead people...too many. They burned the trees...”

Tears came to my eyes as I remembered. I remembered the smoke, the smell as we flew over...dark, poisoned clouds. He seemed about to say something else, but I pushed his concern aside gently.

“I’m all right,” I said. “I’m all right. I don’t know what happened...”

His arms tightened. “Allie.”

“I’m sorry...I really am. I didn’t mean—”

“Allie!” He caught my hand in his, silencing me. “Can we get food?”

Turning my head, I met his gaze, saw a kind of pleading there.

“Food.” I forced my mind back to logistics. Folding my arms to keep from touching him, I avoided his eyes. “Food. Sure. Here? Do you want me to get you something from the kitchen? Or—”

“No.” He voice was adamant. “In the village. Outside. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, I could eat...”

He was already climbing over where I lay. He regained his feet before I realized what he was doing. Watching him open the closet doors, I held my stomach with the same arm, tensing against pain that arced up through my chest as soon as he moved away. I tried to block it, to not think about whatever had just happened...or what I might have said to him when I lost it.

Wearing boxers, he snatched up a duffle bag that lay inside the closet doors and dug through the bag for pants, pulling them on without looking at me. This whole scene was suddenly reminding me a little too much of the ship.

“Revik, whatever I did, I—”

“No.” He looked over his shoulder at me. “Allie...can we not talk here? Please.” He tugged a thick shirt over the gray tee. “Please.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Okay.” I closed my eyes. I wished there was a hole big enough to swallow me. “Revik.” I forced my eyes open again. “Maybe you should just go. Without me, I mean. We can talk later...”

Without answering, he pulled on his second shoe and straightened, hopping on one foot to settle it before shrugging on a longer coat. He grabbed my jacket off the chair before approaching me on the bed.