Allie's War Season One (116 page)

He was breathing harder.

His light seemed to spark at me, reminding me of all that time ago, when he was first teaching me sight...the few times I saw him upset or angry or afraid.

A little alarmed, I clasped his fingers in return.

“Revik...hey,” I said. “It’s okay. You didn’t mess anything up with us. It’s really nice what you’re doing...”

“
Nice?”
he said. “Alyson!
Dugra ti le ente...”

I felt something rise in his light. I flinched at its intensity.

He withdrew, all at once.

Shielding from me, he took a breath, forcing whatever it was back.

“Look,” he said. “I am hearing you, Allie. I’m listening.” He motioned towards the low couch against the wall. “...I’ll sleep in here. I’ll sleep outside if you want...but please listen to me. This has nothing at all to do with Maygar! Maybe I haven’t been clear—”

“You were clear,” I said.

I flushed after I spoke, realizing I’d cut him off yet again.

I felt his light spark around me, disbelieving once more, and I fought to relax, extricating myself gently.

“Revik,” I said. “I believe you...I do. But you’re confusing me. And I still think it’s a bad idea...”

“Which part?” he said. “...What’s a bad idea? Us? The sex?”

I stared at him. “You honestly think we should have sex right now?”

I saw something flicker in his eyes, but he wiped it away, leaving me with the mask. His voice came out neutral.

“I’ll wait,” he said. “...as long as you want for that. Please, Allie. Just tell me if that’s what you meant.”

Fighting to read past that mask...and to think, to wade through his words and my mind...I realized this was going to a bad place. I tried to think how to back us off of the pit we were circling. I stared at his hands, fighting separation pain, wishing I could just leave the house...wishing I’d slept with someone during that year he’d been gone, or done anything other than wait for him while he figured out how he felt about me.

But that was ridiculous. And borderline insane, really.

I shook my head, still staring at our hands.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “...Revik. I’m really sorry about this. Maybe I just need some time to think.”

When I looked up, he was staring at me. His face was utterly blank now, his light closed. It crossed my mind to wonder how much he’d heard of what had just gone through my head.

“I’m not talking about us,” I said. “...To be clear, I didn’t mean us. I’m talking about sex. Tonight. It just feels wrong. I don’t want to do it like this...”

“So we won’t,” he said quickly. “We won’t, Allie.”

I heard relief in his voice, and that brought the pain back, bad enough that I couldn’t answer him at first. Lowering my head, I clenched my jaw, waiting for it to pass. As it began to subside, I felt him caressing my fingers with his.

“I’ll sleep out here,” he said, quieter.

He still sounded relieved.

I got a little too quickly to my feet.

He stood with me. I didn’t want to risk walking, not with my light half outside my body still, so I risked looking like an idiot instead, and stayed by the table until I calmed down.

I didn’t move when he stepped closer. He touched my hand lightly with his fingers.

I was just standing there, not looking at him, when he lowered his face so that our cheeks touched. I felt his breath by my ear.

“Allie,” he murmured. “Please. Please don’t leave me because I’m clumsy with this. Please.”

The pain in my chest worsened.

I looked up. His clear eyes held that intensity again, making them hard to look at...but I felt myself softening at the expression there. I was still staring up when I felt myself reacting again...to his nearness, to his light, noticing the shape of his mouth.

He flinched. I took a reflexive step back.

Disentangling my light, I didn’t look back as I walked out of the room.

I DIDN’T THINK I’d sleep.

I lay on the bed wearing the kimono, thinking I’d lie there most of the night, staring at the same patch of ceiling. But something in the stress...or, more likely, the ten plus hours of hiking, most of it up steep, mountain tracks...knocked me out cold. I had a passing glimmer of guilt that he got stuck on the couch with his height, but it didn’t even last long enough for me to get up and brush my teeth.

The next morning, I didn’t know where I was.

I looked around for Tarsi and Hannah, expecting to see them crouched by the fire. Instead, sunlight peered through the cracks in the curtains of a real window, and the only thing across from the bed was a bureau with several wooden boxes on top. I lay on something a lot softer than the floor pallet, feeling the cleanest I’d felt in several days at least.

I raised my arm and the sleeve of the kimono fell to my elbow.

Remembering the night before, I didn’t move for what was probably fifteen minutes...riding out the morning dose of separation pain while trying to shield it from view in the construct around the small house. Eventually, though, I climbed out of bed, untying the front of the kimono and hanging it on a bedpost. For a moment I just looked at it, and felt like a jerk.

I’d been wearing makeup last night, too, after the shower.

Biting my lip, I went through drawers, found a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. Tying my hair back as best I could, I washed my face in the freezing cold sink water, getting off the remnants of the makeup and scrubbing my skin. Cass, being Cass, had supplied me with enough cosmetics, skin creams and perfumes for the entire cast of
Cats
...but I decided to skip that for today, too, with the exception of moisturizer and deodorant.

Pulling on socks, I took a deep breath and ventured into the other room.

He wasn’t there.

Looking around, I wondered if he’d slept in the cabin at all; the couch didn’t seem any different than it had the night before. I was reassured slightly when I smelled coffee and located the pot steaming on the counter. It was still hot, and didn’t smell old, so I poured myself some, after rummaging through the cabinets for a mug. Still clutching the mug, I headed for the door to outside.

I figured he’d done his usual and wandered off.

Knowing him, I had a few hours at least, to sit outside on the bench, stare at the mountains and wake up. Shoving my feet into my unlaced boots by the door, I pushed it open with my hip and peered outside.

Once I could see through the morning light, I stopped dead.

Two horses stood in the mown space around the house, tied to the fence.

Revik stood beside the larger one, a pale-colored horse with a dark-red face. I watched him cinch some kind of makeshift saddle to its back with what looked like a macrame seat belt. The saddle itself, upon closer inspection, was a sheepskin blanket. These weren’t those small Tibetan horses, either, but the full-sized variety I remembered from home.

He glanced over when he saw me. He wore his careful face.

“Good morning,” he said.

He motioned towards the horses, as if that explained everything.

I looked at the smaller, nearly all-white horse standing next to the one with the red face. Both wore rope bridles that had real-looking bits.

“Good morning.” Feeling even stranger, I ventured closer, still clutching my mug. “Are they two of the ones we saw yesterday? Down by the river?”

He nodded, still working the blanket on the roan, yanking it further up its back, arranging it over the high, bony withers.

I noticed the white one was already wearing a similar blanket and seat belt, and seemed to be staring at me, chewing in some irritation on the bit in its mouth. Its shaggy mane made it look like an annoyed teenager.

“They’re okay to ride?” I said.

He made the ‘more or less’ gesture with his hand.

“They’ve been ridden before.” He glanced at me. “It’s been awhile, especially for this one.” He patted the roan. “...But they seem good-natured.”

The roan jerked its head up, flattening its ears when the white one sidled closer. When the smaller horse nipped its shoulder, the roan stamped its leg, snorting before thrusting its forefeet, stiff-legged, into the dirt and leaping a little into the air. Revik sidestepped the dancing feet absently.

“Okay,” I said. “You know I’ve been on a horse, like, twice...right?”

He smiled, but I saw him studying my face.

I looked at the horses again. The white one was rubbing his head blissfully on the fence now, eyes half-closed.

Revik cleared his throat.

“You don’t have to come, of course,” he said. “But I think they’ll be okay.” He patted the roan on the rump, looking at me. “I thought we could explore. See the river...map out the valley a little.”

Meeting a direct gaze from him was harder than I thought it would be.

His face was still guarded, but on closer inspection he looked, well...tired. Exhausted, really.

He seemed to hear my thoughts.

“I’m fine,” he said, making a dismissive gesture. He smiled more genuinely. “It took me a few hours to catch them.” He motioned towards the roan. “I haven’t done anything like that in awhile...it was fun.”

Not exactly reassured, I nodded.

He met my gaze, and I saw him again, at least in his eyes.

I knew on some level what he was doing. I knew he was old-fashioned enough that this made sense to him, given what we’d talked about the night before, how we’d left things. Even as I wondered about his first wife, about what he’d done while courting her...I was also touched, more than I really wanted him to see, at least right at that moment. I looked at the white horse instead of him, trying to think.

He cleared his throat. When I glanced over, he was looking at me. That intensity was back in his eyes, but I saw a faint thread of nerves beneath.

“Are you coming, Allie?” he said.

I only thought about it for another moment.

“Sure,” I said. “I’m in.”

After the barest pause, he smiled.

16

MARRIED

WE DIDN’T GET back until nearly dusk that first day.

By the end of it, I could already tell I was going to be sore from riding, but I didn’t care. It had been one of those really great days that only come every so often, the best I’d had in as far back as I could remember...definitely since I’d left San Francisco. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done something like that even in the human world, just hung out in the sun under a blue sky with someone I just wanted to be with. Exploring. Eating a picnic lunch. Wandering along a river...lying on the grass, swimming...laughing over dumb jokes...talking.