All We Are (8th Sin Book 2) (10 page)

When I wake up in the morning Nash isn’t there. And a small part of me wishes I could have seen him with bed head, he didn’t leave a note, he just left.

I make a bowl of cereal and sit down on the couch. His blankets are neatly folded and on the table. The couch is put back together and not a single thing is out of place.

It’s like it all was a dream.

He kisses me and turns me into this fumbling mess and I wonder if it’s the same for him too. Does he feel anything?

There has to be a reason he has made a point of doing it two times now.

My phone rings, it’s the shelter. And they are looking for Jackson. When I inform them I don’t know where he is, one of his workers ask me if I can stop by and take care of something that I used to take care of before I quit.

I agree, because a small part of me still holds a special place in my heart for the shelter and all of the regulars that show up there everyday for a hot meal and a place to sleep.

I shower, dress and head across town to the shelter. Walking through the doors is a reminder that Lee is no longer there. I’m used to him greeting me as soon as I walk in. Most days, he was front and center, chowing down on whatever the days menu offered.

He had no funeral. He didn’t want one. He signed his body over to science and just like that he was out of the picture and my life. All that was left of him was a box of my mother’s memories. Some pictures were of him and my mother. But that was it. My grandfather was nothing but a memory.

“Savy.” Julie, one of the newer workers says as soon as I come in the door. “Thank god you came.”

“Of course. What’s the problem?”

“We are running low on supplies and I have no clue when the next shipment is coming in or if more supplies were even ordered.” She hands over her Ipad and I log into Jackson’s account.

“He sent himself a reminder but it doesn’t look like he placed the order.” I hit a few buttons, fill in a few blanks and just like that I save Jackson’s ass. “Luckily, as long as the order goes in by noon they will still deliver.”

She follows me to the back room. “And if you go to the very back of the freezer you will find emergency boxes. I hid them there for times when Jackson pulls this.”

She squeezes my arm. “You are a life saver.”

“No problem.”

I say hello to a couple of people and head for the door but like everything else in life, I don’t make it to my car before Jackson is walking through the doors.

He looks dapper, like always when he is coming from a meeting. Dress shirt. No tie and perfectly fitted slacks.

“Hey.” He slips a hand in his pocket and keeps the other one on his phone.

“Hey.” I brush some hair behind my ear and explain myself so he doesn’t think I am stalking him. “They were having some issues and couldn’t get a hold of you, so they called me.”

“And you came.”

I don’t know why he seems so surprised that I would do something nice for him. “Of course I came. I know how important this place is to you. It’s important to me too.”

He smiles. “While you’re here.” He motions me to his office.

I follow him, curious to learn what waits for me behind the door. Jackson shuts the door once I’m inside. He opens the drawer to his desk. “I have your last pay check. And this.”

I take the box from him. “What is it?”

“Open it.”

I lift the lid and look at him. “This is Lee’s stuff.”

He nods. “I cleaned out his room and figured you might want to hold onto them.”

I bite down on my lip to keep from crying. But it doesn’t work. Jackson immediately gets up and comes over to comfort me. “I didn’t give it to you to upset you. Savy, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize. This was sweet.” I set the box down.

He leans against the front of his desk. “How are you?”

I shrug. “I’m alright.”

“I miss you,” he says.

I move in. “Jackson.”

His hands are on my thighs and he pulls me closer. I sigh, letting him lift the bottom of my shirt. His hand glides up my stomach. I wrap my arms around his neck.

“More than you know,” he whispers looking up at me, his eyes beg me to feel the same way.

“You and me together aren’t good,” I tell him.

He frowns. “I don’t believe that. Being with you was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.”

I hate that he knows how to flatter me.

He waste no time unbuttoning my jeans. He tugs the zipper down and I already have accepted that I am going to sleep with him again, even if I shouldn’t be. It’s the way we work. He pulls me back in whenever I am second guessing who we are when we are together.

“I don’t want to keep hurting you,” I whisper.

He pulls down my jeans, shaking his head that he doesn’t think that I am. He runs a hand across my stomach and I tear my shirt over my head to give him easier access.

He explores me and touches me. My fingers slip through his hair, the hair I love so much. I shake off my shoes and my jeans. And he pushes the stapler and files out of the way and leans back. I straddle him, he pulls me closer, his hands on my ass.

He unsnaps my bra and tosses it behind him. He sits up, just enough to give me access to his lips. I kiss him hard, he squeezes my breast our tongues intertwining.

I help him out of his shirt. Running hands down his chest to his stomach and down to his zipper. He stops me, lowering his mouth to my breast.

His breath pulls a moan from me and when his tongue circles my nipple, I squeeze his arms, begging him to keep going. He leans back, letting me free him from his slacks. I trail a finger down the front of his boxer briefs.

He rolls on top of me pinning beneath him on his desk. He gets his boxers off and pushes my legs apart.

“Savy, tell me this is what you want,” he says.

I nod, pressing my mouth against his. “I do. I want this so bad.”

He thrust inside of me. I cry out, biting down on his lip to hold back the moans that want to escape. We’re in his office, I have to keep it together.

He keeps going, every whimper makes him thrust harder and faster. He pins my head down, holding onto my hair, caging me, taking control.

He kisses my forehead, and then my chin. “I…missed this so much.” He’s against my ear telling me all the things he shouldn’t be. He groans, tensing up.

I shut my eyes, fading away from the moment because I feel guilty for getting so intimate with him. This isn’t just sex to Jackson, he is in love with me.

He senses it and pulls out, frustrated. I shake my head. “You don’t have to stop.”

“Yes I do.” He kisses me again.

I touch his arm. “Jackson, I want this. Please don’t stop.”

“It’s okay, Savy. I get it.” He starts picking up my clothes. “You don’t want to make love because you’re not in it.”

“Jackson.” I frown. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure if I said all I wanted to do was fuck you this wouldn’t be an issue.”

We lock eyes. I bite down on my lip. He touches my face. “Turn around.”

I do what he ask, using his desk for support. He thrust inside me from behind, his hand gripping my neck. “Is this better?”

“Yes.” He thrust harder, knocking his paperweights off of the table. They crash to the floor and he keeps going until the desk is up against the wall.

He grabs me by the hair, tugging my head back. His hands sliding down my neck. He applies a little pressure and now I am not thinking anymore about where we are. I moan, my legs hardly able to keep me upright.

And I cry out, spiralling into a place of sheer bliss and pain all at the same time. Jackson keeps going, knocking each and every noise he can get out of me. I never knew I was capable of such sounds.

He’s in my ear now. “I want to fuck again tomorrow.” I nod, and he keeps right on going. “Say it. I want to hear you say it.”

“You. Can. Fuck. Me. Tomorrow.” I breathe.

He releases, pressing me down against the desk he groans, coming to a halt.

The only sound is our breathing intertwined with my beating heart.

He gave me exactly what I wanted.

He took all of the feeling out of it and made it just about sex and our physical connection to one another.

He collects his clothes and gets dressed. And I do the same.

Once I’m dressed he plants a kiss on my lips. Its not long and drawn out, it’s a short kiss that simply implies he is thankful we did what we did.

“See you tomorrow.” I tell him, and I leave.

Another day as a shot girl, it’s a living and it’s the only way I can look at it or I will talk myself into calling in sick permanently. It’s degrading and not where I should be.

I’m starting to wonder if I will ever go back to college and figure out what I want to do with my life.

“Here you go,” Murphy, the bartender says handing over a new round of shots. I thank him and he winks at me going back to filling beers for the bar full of frat brothers at the other end.

“Looking good, Sav,” Angel, the other girl that works my shift says in passing.

“As are you, babe,” I tell her.

I go out onto the floor and shake my head at the sight of Ike. He’s in here a few times a week now. And becoming more a habit than a coincidence.

“If it isn’t the beautiful and sophisticated, Savy.” He strokes the girl in his lap like she is a pet.

“What a compliment.” I pull a shot from my tray knowing what he wants. I go behind him and he drops his head back staring up at me.

“How about a body shot this time?”

I shake my head taking hold of his chin. “Not in this lifetime.” I pour the shot down his throat and replace it on the tray. He works the money from his pocket.

“Such a shame. I was beginning to like you,” he says slapping me on the rear end. He knocks the tray right out of my hands and when I bend down to pick it up his hand is on my shoulder.

He leans down and whispers in my ear. “It was just a compliment.”

I drop the tray back down on the floor and stand up giving him a dirty look.

I burst into tears when I am inside of the locker room. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Angel comes in behind me. I can tell by her expression that she is worried about me. “Are you alright? You bolted off the floor like a bat out of hell.”

“I don’t know.” I rub the back of my neck, trying to knead the tension. “One minute I’m fine, the next minute I’m freaking out.”

She crosses her arms. “What happened out there?”

“Ike is back again. And something about the way he was talking to me just triggered something.”

Maybe I am crazy.

“Maybe you should go home and get some rest. I can cover the rest of your shift,” she tells me.

I sit down on the bench and pull my shoes off. “Thanks, angel.”

I wait until she leaves and clean up. I look a mess and I just want to go home and hide from the world. I don’t understand why this is happening but it’s not okay.

***

By the time I am home I am more shaken than calm. My heart is racing, my mind is going a million miles an hour and I just have this overwhelming feeling of dread.

Sophie stops vacuuming when I come in the door. “What is wrong?” She knows me well. And she knows when things are not right. “Who do I need to fuck up?”

“Nobody. Just a bad day.” I drop my purse on the table and settle into the couch. I could use a good talk—maybe even a good cry right now. “Out of everyone in the world, Ike has managed to make me feel a million times worse about myself.”

Sophie sits down. She’s intrigued. Thank god she hasn’t ever hung out with Ike again. I don’t think I could handle seeing the guy every day of my life.

“What do you mean? He’s a little slimy but I don’t think he is
that
bad.”

“There’s just something about him that I don’t like.” I explain the moment when he touched me and how it put me into a very dark place, and when I am done Sophie looks even more concerned.

“It could be nothing.” The way she starts chewing on her nails doesn’t sit well with me. “Or it could be something way worse than either one of us knows.”

“Sophie.” I sigh. “Why do you have to talk like that?”

“Did you forget my love of all things Dr. Phil?” She crosses her arms, prepared to analyse my mental health. “There was this episode the other day that really blew me away. This woman suffered years of horrible nightmares, and later found out that they weren’t nightmares at all. That her mind was subconsciously revealing the truth, that she was the victim of horrible things when she was younger.”

This doesn’t make me feel better. “Dr. Phil is an asshole.”

“Dr. Phil knows his shit. And you were in a bad accident years ago. Maybe you are trying to stifle your pain and for some reason its just now coming out.”

I don’t think that’s what it is. I shake my head standing up. “Stick to your day job. I am over my accident. I suppose next you’re going to tell me that sleeping with Jackson again was a cry for help.”

Sophie lights up. “If I had known, I might have. When did this happen? I thought you called it quits after he threw a fit right here in this apartment.”

“I
had
until we ran into each other,” I explain. “One thing led to another and I discovered that Jackson is able to turn off his feelings if he really wants to.”

Sophie shakes her head. “He’s only telling you that because he doesn’t want to let you go. It’s his last attempt at reeling you in. Believe me I have seen it before.”

She goes back to vacuuming and I go to my room, crawling under the covers. I take the book I have been reading off the nightstand and try to disconnect from the world but no luck.

I throw back the covers and drop to the floor, pulling out the box of journals Lee gave me. I open one up and start reading.

A couple hours later I have learned even more about my mother, like the fact that she was forever chasing the idea of romance. Yet at the same time afraid to catch it.

Or that she loved her father more than anyone else in the world.

And how much she wanted me and looked forward to being a mother. She wrote a list of all the things she hoped I accomplished and she even started saving money for me to go to college, until it was stolen from her house one night, in which she talked about for four whole pages.

She was a very emotional woman, she had a big heart for the ones she loved and she spoke her mind, I see it in every sentence that she chose to put on the paper.

I’m proud to know that she is my mother by the end of her first journal and I am glad that I finally had the courage to read them.

I shut the book and put it back into the box and something else catches my eye. A small scrap of paper. I pull it free and study it.

It’s a three digit number.
16, 7, 14
.

I lift the books and find the other half of the paper, it’s not a scrap at all it’s a receipt. But it’s so faded the only thing I can see is the total and the letters
ox
.

I open one of the photo albums and tuck the paper in there next to a picture of my mother holding me. I guess the shock of having all of her things I never paid attention.

I touch the photograph of my mother holding me tightly on her lap. Her cheek pressed against mine. We are both staring at the camera with smiles on our faces.

I shut the book and shove the box away from me. I’ve had enough and I want to sleep.

I crawl into bed.