All the Feels (14 page)

*   *   *

With midterms over and the spring semester barreling toward finals, Liv’s entire purpose at school became to avoid a confrontation with Hank, who seemed determined to bravado his way through the stilted awkwardness that followed their encounter. More than once, Hank tried to talk to Liv during sociology, and several times he offered to grab a coffee at break, but her panic in the wake of recent events quickly ended the last semblance of a relationship. It was better that way, Liv told herself the day Hank moved to sit on the opposite side of the classroom. Easier. She just wished it didn’t hurt to see him laughing and talking. Unlike Liv, Hank found it easy to make friends.

The problem was, Liv’s hormones hadn’t gotten the message that Hank was out-of-bounds. And as days moved into weeks, the dreams began. They featured Hank as Spartan, caught in the dying Star Freighter Elysium. She woke frustrated and upset, more disturbed by her brain’s refusal to give up on Hank than by his rejection. And with fandom off-limits, there was nothing to distract herself with.

Days trundled past. Usually she would have invited Xander over and thrown together another #SpartanSurvived vid, but she was determined to keep her promise of “no fandom” to her mother. Trouble was, fandom was more than a hobby, it was a support system. Without it, Liv had no one to talk to when she was lonely. She had nothing to look forward to after school, and no outlet for creativity. Liv found herself spiraling back into melancholy.

She got up.

She went to classes.

She came home.… And then did it all over again.

Sleep became the escape that fandom had once been. She would have happily locked herself in her bedroom forever, if Xander and Arden hadn’t arrived early one Saturday morning.

“Rise and shine!” Arden said in a chirpy voice. “It’s time to go.”

Liv glared at her. (Who in their right mind straight-ironed their hair on weekends?)

“No, thank you.”

“Liv, dear. Get up,” Xander said drily. “You’ve hidden in this dusty mausoleum long enough.” He kicked a rumpled pair of pants out of his way, wrinkling his nose. “In this state, your room isn’t fit for human occupation. Arden and I are here to abscond with you to the outside world. Now let’s go!”

“Don’t want to,” Liv grumbled.

Arden gave a long-suffering sigh. “Xander and I aren’t leaving until you move. This behavior isn’t healthy. I’m serious, Liv. You need to get out of the house once in a while.”

Liv retreated under the covers. Perhaps if she fell asleep, they’d leave. (Why
was
Arden here, anyhow?)

“Liv, are you listening to me?” Arden said. “I’m not leaving till you—”

“Go AWAY!”

“No!” Arden jerked on the covers, and Liv’s fingers tightened. “You are getting up.” Arden tugged again, but Liv refused to let go. “Xander,” Arden said through clenched teeth. “A little help here?”

“Oh, no.” He chuckled. “You seem to have that all firmly in hand.”

Xander stood at the end of the bed, hands on hips, the jacket Liv had helped him sew thrown open, a gold-threaded waistcoat glimmering underneath. He was the Regency hero today, but she didn’t feel like being saved.

“Why are you guys bugging me anyhow?” Liv snarled.

“Because you’re in a melancholy funk,” Xander said.

“I’m not.”

“No? Then get out of bed,” Arden said sweetly.

Most days, Liv didn’t mind Arden’s chipper attitude. Today she fought the urge to smother her with a pillow. Xander wandered to the dresser and picked up a Spartan action figure that had fallen sideways, inspecting it with a bemused expression.

“Leave my stuff alone,” Liv ordered.

He put the figure down. “Only if you prove to me that you’re still alive. C’mon. Arden and I are taking you out for breakfast.”

“And then we’re—”

“Breakfast,” Xander said, giving Arden a warning look. “Out of the dark is an important step.” Xander brushed a place clear at the edge of the bed and sat next to Liv. “This room isn’t healthy.”

“Nobody’s making you stay.” Liv’s voice cracked. “Hank sure didn’t.”

Xander rolled his eyes. “For goodness’ sake, Liv. It was one guy—and not a particularly interesting one at that. He is
not
worth this reaction.”

“So, what? I’m just supposed to keep asking guys out until one says yes?”

Arden grinned. “Yes, exactly!”

“I don’t need your help,” Liv snapped.

“Come on, Liv,” Xander said, patting her knee. “You’re already dressed. We’re just offering breakfast.” He glared at Arden. “That’s all.”

“I’m tired.”

Arden had cleared a path to the door with the efficiency of an infomercial host. She spun back around, surveying her work. “Then let’s get coffee. C’mon, Liv. Just an hour.”

“Fine,” she grumbled. “But only if you guys are buying.”

Xander began to laugh. “Lord, if I’d known that was the key, we could’ve saved all the dramatics.”

*   *   *

Half an hour later, they sat in Cup O’ Joe, three espressos on the table between them. Liv was determined to sulk, but Xander and Arden’s cheerfulness was hard to resist.

“Hank wasn’t the one,” Arden said with a gentle smile, “but that doesn’t mean we can’t find you someone. There are plenty more fish in the sea. You deserve to be happy.”

Liv grimaced. “I don’t want to be your pet project, thanks.”

“Why?” Arden said. “Xander’s already yours.”

Xander had been watching the repartee from behind his cup, but at Arden’s barb, he dropped his voice to Malloy’s growl: “Your perseverance, your courage, is what we need to conquer this dating disaster.”

“Ha-ha,” Liv said. “Very funny.”

“Well, I thought so.”

“What we need to do is get you some momentum,” Arden said. “Get you exposed to a few dozen—”

“Dozen?!” Liv gasped.

“—men and then figure out what you like. Once you’ve got that down, you’re fine!”

Xander rolled his eyes and returned to his espresso.

“Maybe I don’t have someone out there,” Liv said. “Maybe he drowned when he was five.”

“God, Liv. Try not to be so creepy,” Arden snorted. “That is a definite turnoff. How are you supposed to find a soul mate if you chase them all away?”

“I don’t believe in soul mates,” Liv grumbled.

“Me neither,” Xander said, “but I tend to think there
are
people who you can click with. You just have to spend enough time with them to find out.”

Liv took another scalding sip of espresso. She could feel the caffeine making its way into her bloodstream. Sitting here in the café made her feel like she’d been asleep for days and was finally starting to wake up.

“Look, you guys,” Liv said. “I know you mean well, but I don’t know how to talk to men.”

“You talk to me,” Xander said in a hurt voice.

Liv shook her head. “You don’t count.” Xander made a choking sound of exasperation. “It’s different with you. It’s just … easy.”

Arden’s gaze moved from one to the other, her eyes narrowing. “So if you can talk to Xander, then you
can
talk to men. We just need to find you the right ones.”

“I don’t know, Arden. I’m not sure I’m ready.”

Arden grinned. “Oh, you’re ready all right! It’s like a dating rule: Freshman year is the time to mingle.”

“Maybe…” Liv set her coffee back on the table and blinked. The room seemed brighter, sounds clearer. Maybe coming out had been a good idea.

“Soul mates and dating rules aside,” Xander said, “it’s a truth universally acknowledged, that a young woman of your intelligence and stature may consider dating, if only for her own enjoyment. No other reason, dearest.”

A smile brushed Liv’s lips. “Universally acknowledged, hmm?”

“It is.” Xander loosened the tight knot of the cravat at his throat and looked away.

Liv sighed. “So how’s that supposed to work if I’ve vowed never to ask a guy out again?”

Arden gave her a scheming grin. “You let
me
play matchmaker.”

*   *   *

@LivOutLoud:
@JoesWoes @StarVeilBrian1981 Guys, I need some good vibes. Date night tonight! O_O

@JoesWoes:
@LivOutLoud Liv??? Where have you BEEN, girl? I haven’t seen you online in ages! *frowns* You jumped ship? Spartan NEEDS you!

@LivOutLoud:
@JoesWoes Just some family drama going down. I’d never leave Starveil behind. You know that.

@JoesWoes:
@LivOutLoud Glad to hear it! Have you been keeping up with the #SpartanSurvived tag? There is SO MUCH going on right now!

@StarVeilBrian1981:
@JoesWoes @LivOutLoud MRM has a “big announcement” coming soon. I’m not saying it … but I’m going to say it: HE’S BRINGING SPARTAN BACK.

@LivOutLoud:
@JoesWoes @StarVeilBrian1981 OMG-REALLY??? How do you know??? *screaming internally* THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!

@StarVeilBrian1981:
@LivOutLoud @JoesWoes There’s a livestream on Friday night. MRM is WAY past promos at this point. It’s something else.

@JoesWoes:
@LivOutLoud @StarVeilBrian1981 Actually, MRM has booked the entire Starveil cast for a bunch of cons. It’s happening! SPARTAN’S COMING BACK.

@StarVeilBrian1981:
@JoesWoes @LivOutLoud I’m doing CC and DC for sure. First question I’m asking is WHO came up with #SpartanSurvived? I owe him my firstborn.

@LivOutLoud:
@StarVeilBrian1981 LOL

@StarVeilBrian1981:
@LivOutLoud What?

@LivOutLoud:
@StarVeilBrian1981 Who said it was a guy?;)

*   *   *

The agreement was that all first dates would happen at Cup O’ Joe. That way Arden and Xander were there for backup, and Liv had a limited amount of time to tolerate the embarrassment, should things go wrong. The first was a man named Ken, whom Liv vaguely remembered having seen at the café any number of times. Arden ushered Liv forward as she arrived.

“He’s over there,” she said in a stage whisper. “Go!” And then shoved Liv forward.

Liv stumbled to the table, anxiety rising.

“Hi, I’m Liv.”

The guy glanced up and down again. “H’lo,” he muttered.

Liv stood for several long seconds, uncertain if this really
was
the guy she was supposed to be on the date with.

“I, um … Are you Ken?”

His eyes scuttled up, and he nodded.

Liv sat, hands clutched in her lap. Ken didn’t look at her. He stared at his coffee.

“So, um … tell me about yourself,” Liv said, then winced at how stupid the opener sounded. (It didn’t matter. Ken was still staring at his coffee.)

“… immachemmiss…” he whispered.

Liv leaned forward. “Could you repeat that?”

His voice dropped lower still. “… achemmiss…”

Liv leaned in until she was almost forehead to forehead with him. “I’m really sorry, but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Could you—”

His chin jerked up, and he recoiled at the sight of her so close. “A chemist,” he said in a hoarse whisper.

He looked utterly terrified. His forehead was dotted with sweat, chest heaving.

“Well, that’s great,” Liv said. “I’m a student.”

He nodded and dropped his gaze.

A full minute passed in silence.

Liv glanced up to find Xander staring at her, his face caught in an expression of abject horror, Arden grinning at his side. She mouthed:
“Talk!”
Liv turned back to the table and Silent Ken.

He was still inspecting his coffee.

“So … what do you like to do … other than chemistry?” Liv asked.

“… iliketoread…”

Liv leaned forward. “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

An hour later, Liv sat, Arden and Xander bookending her. Arden had a moleskin and was making notes into it.