All That Is Lost Between Us (20 page)

What has happened to you girls?
I want to ask Leticia.
This is your time. You are in your prime. You should be out there having fun, revelling in your youth, your beauty, your freedom. How has it come to this?

‘Are you okay, Mrs Turner?'

‘You know, Leticia, I'm not entirely sure,' I admit. This is the second time today that I've been tempted to blurt out my fears to a student. My professional and private lives are uncomfortably entangled, and I need to pull myself together fast. I fidget in my seat, trying to disperse another surge of agitation, similar to the foreboding I'd had on my walk home with Georgia. These feelings are frightening. Threatening.
Don't, Anya
, I tell myself.
Don't go any further down that road.

‘I think I'm still getting over the shock of last night,' I say, gathering some papers from my desk and shuffling them unnecessarily. I put them down again. ‘But that's not for you to worry about. Will you see any movies this weekend?'

Leticia loves movies. She often goes to the cinema by herself because she likes the solitude. It's not that she doesn't have any friends – in fact, she has a little train of acolytes hanging around her in the corridors, worshipping her, in danger of copying her, but she seems oblivious to them.

‘Nope, not this weekend. Maybe next week – Mum wants to see that new one with Hugh Jackman.'

I stall again. I can't remember the last time Georgia wanted to go to the cinema with me. I can't think of the last time Georgia wanted to do anything with me. For a moment I envy Leticia's mum as the subject of this casual remark.
I envy Leticia's mum
, whose heart will be breaking as she watches her daughter disappear before her eyes.

I swallow down another rush of emotion and sit straighter in my chair. ‘Is there anything else you want to talk about today, Leticia?'

She doesn't think for long. ‘Not really.'

‘Well, I don't want to keep you on a Friday afternoon. How about we reschedule a proper appointment early next week? I'll take a look at your timetable and let you know.'

Leticia nods, gets up and grabs her bag. Highly relieved, I riffle through my diary and make sure I've jotted down a note to arrange the next meeting.

Behind me, I hear a loud thump. When I look around, Leticia is on the floor.

‘Leticia!' I dash over to see her eyes open and rolling.

‘Help!' I scream. ‘Help!'

There are running footsteps and Miss Chadwick, the art teacher, rushes in. ‘Call an ambulance!' I shout. She sprints away, then Mr Fennell, the head of biology, arrives and we begin to work as a team. He checks Leticia's breathing, nods at me, and begins to feel for her pulse. We are just about to roll her into the recovery position when she starts to come round.

‘Sssh,' I tell her as she struggles to sit up. ‘Stay down. You passed out. There's an ambulance on its way.'

Miss Chadwick returns with Mrs Jessop as Leticia begins to sob. I sit on the floor so she can rest her head on my lap. I stroke her forehead, which seems to soothe her, and we stay like that until we hear the sirens. A short time later the medics bustle in. They ask lots of questions, and when I finally look around I see that Mr Fennell and Miss Chadwick have disappeared, and only Mrs Jessop is watching on.

When Leticia is sitting up, I move across to join Chris Jessop. One of the paramedics comes over to us. ‘I think we'll take her in to the Royal. Her pulse rate is still dangerously low. We'll get the stretcher, then we need to move quickly. Who's coming with her?'

Mrs Jessop turns to me. ‘I'm so sorry to ask, but can you go, Anya? I have visitors waiting from the education department. I'll ring Leticia's parents.'

It takes every bit of strength I have not to burst into tears. The Royal Lancaster hospital is at least forty minutes' drive away.

I think of my traumatised, pale-faced daughter, curled up in bed. Needing every bit of love and attention I can give her today. How can I go?

I look at Leticia, an oxygen mask covering most of her gaunt features, lying curled on her side with her eyes closed, my jacket under her head. Desperately needing my help right this moment. How can I not go?

The paramedic and the headmistress are both watching me, waiting for my answer.

Callum is with Georgia, I remind myself. I will be as fast as I can. Leticia is the one who in danger; my daughter is at home, resting. My daughter is safe.

Yet it still takes all my energy to nod.

A
t the beginning of their walk, Arthur entertains Zac and Maddie, leaping in and out of streams, retrieving sticks, jumping and barking with delight whenever they join in his games. Fallen leaves crunch underfoot as, now and then, their bodies brush one another, until Zac feels bruised from each contact. He studies his old, scuffed trainers, which are letting in the damp, and wishes he'd bothered to buy some new ones.

For a while it doesn't matter that Maddie isn't saying much. But as Arthur grows tired and begins to trot quietly by their side, the silence grows obvious and more uncomfortable, on Zac's side at least. They are still heading away from home, but Arthur's antics have meant they haven't got very far. Zac is loath to be the one to suggest turning around, because that would mean cutting short their time alone together, and who knows when this opportunity might come round again.

How can he break into her reverie? He could ask her more about Sophia, but he doesn't want to upset her. He could tell her that her friends are ridiculous, but he suspects she won't agree. He could whisper that she looks beautiful today – and every day – but that's totally inappropriate. He could suggest they go hunting for frogs, but that's about six years out of date.

In his pocket, he clutches his mobile. This would definitely get her attention. The phone seems alive in his hand, burning his skin, a fuse drawing closer to explosion.

‘We should have brought some food or something,' he mutters.

She doesn't respond straightaway and he bites his lip. Of all the thoughts he has had, why is it this mundane mumble that leaks from his mouth?

‘I've completely lost my appetite,' Maddie declares eventually. ‘I've hardly eaten anything since last night.'

Zac can't think of a response. The scene resets itself as though he had never spoken. He doesn't trust himself to say anything interesting, so he ambles alongside her, restless and despondent. He hears Jacinta's taunting voice, ‘
She's your cousin
.
It's a little bit sick.'

But they're not blood relations. Surely Maddie wouldn't think like that. He steals a few sideways glances at her while she finds more bounty for Arthur. He is continually amazed at her height – a few inches taller than him – her lean face, the curves of her cheekbones, the shimmer in her hair. He can picture her leaping in the air in one of his mother's clothing catalogues, her arms a V of victory, her hair fanning out in joy. How has she morphed into an almost-adult, when he doesn't feel much different to the kid he's always been?

He tries to think of the last time they were alone like this. He can't pinpoint it. It must have been a long time ago. Has she missed him anywhere near as much as he has missed her?

When they reach one of the viewpoints she sits on the bench and he rests beside her, feeling like an unstrung puppet, fixated on the correct arrangement of his limbs. She stares out across the valley, and Zac turns slightly, keen to catch her eye, hoping there will be something there to help him when she does.

‘Maddie?' he says eventually.

She turns to him then, and sees something in his expression that makes her frown. But she doesn't look away. Zac squirms, dropping his gaze to his hands, hardly daring to find her eyes again.

She is waiting. What is she waiting for? Could it be . . .

Her hands are on her lap. He tentatively puts one of his hands on one of hers. She looks down, stares at their hands together.

It's now or never. He puts his arm around her shoulders, ready to pull her towards him, leaning in, imagining his next move: his hand gently tilting her face towards his.

‘Zac!' Her voice is sharp and he jumps back. As he does so his fingers encounter a spider's web, meshing the delicate threads together into a sticky knot.

‘I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean to upset you . . . I – I care about you.'

‘I know.' She sighs. ‘Zac, you're practically my brother.'

He tries not to hear her, concentrating on plucking the goop from between his fingers, grateful for something to do, wishing he was anywhere else but here.

She leaps up from the bench and pats Arthur's head. ‘Let's keep walking,' she says, without looking back.

Zac is consumed with embarrassment. It quickly turns to misery, and he trails her for a while, aware they are still heading away from the house, wondering if he should say something but not keen to draw her attention to the fact he's still here.

To his surprise, Maddie suddenly sits down on a large slab of rock. When he sees where they are he hurries to catch up. ‘Er, Maddie—'

She holds a hand up. ‘Don't talk, Zac. Just listen. I'm going to do something, and I want you to know that it will never, ever happen again. So just . . . just enjoy it, will you?'

She stands up and puts a hand on either side of his face. She pulls him towards her and presses her lips against his, and astonishment makes him resist at first, but not for long. He closes his eyes, and that makes it easier to believe that this is really happening. That Maddie is kissing him in the middle of the woods, alone together, with only a few furtive creatures close enough to watch them.

He doesn't open his eyes until she moves away. His lips are buzzing.

‘Now,' she says, her hands on her hips but an upbeat glint to her eye. ‘Can we go back to being friends . . . please? Because,' and here her voice breaks a little, ‘I really don't want to lose you.'

Zac is still reeling from her lips on his. Never again, she had said.

Still, some of the weight in his legs seems to have disappeared. She had kissed him.

Perhaps it will be enough.

‘Okay.' He puts his hands in his pockets, wondering how they follow this moment.

She smiles shyly, and it is the Maddie he has always known. He is overcome with relief. Perhaps he isn't going to lose her, after all.

‘Do you know where we are?' he asks.

She looks intrigued. ‘What do you mean?'

‘You were sitting on the corpse stone.'

She frowns at the slab of rock, and he sees the recognition in her eyes.

‘Do you remember that time you and Georgia and Sophia left me alone here? You told me about a road of ghosts and brought me down here to show me the stone where they rested, and while I was looking at it you all ran away and hid behind the trees.'

She smiles. ‘I do remember that.'

‘I can't believe how frightened I was, looking out at the empty path, waiting for one of you to show yourselves. I didn't dare make a noise in case the dead people heard me first.'

Maddie pats the stone. ‘Sophia and Georgia were so confident and brave. I thought I would be like them when I got older, but the accident last night completely freaked me out.'

Zac shrugs. ‘Me too. I've felt sick all day.'

Maddie looks away. ‘Well, I'm glad Georgia's okay.'

She has just given him an opening and he grabs it. ‘Actually, I don't think Georgia
is
okay.' The words are out of his mouth before he can help himself.

Maddie swings back around, her face pale. ‘What do you mean?'

Don't do it
, he thinks, as he reaches into his pocket, fighting with himself, as though he might have a concealed weapon in his hand. He is sure this is a really bad idea – and yet, in spite of that, he is pulling out his phone.

He presses a few buttons then hands it over. ‘I found this photo in Georgia's room last night.'

Maddie takes the phone from him and studies the screen. She doesn't react at first, but after a few seconds she gasps. ‘Oh my god, is that who I think it is?'

She looks up at Zac in disbelief.

‘I think so.' He grimaces. ‘So, now the question is, what should I do about it?'

‘Oh my god, Zac, does that mean . . . Oh my god, this is major. Beyond major. Are you going to talk to her? You have to ask her about this.'

‘I don't know.' Zac has considered it, but even the thought of that conversation leaves him mortified. ‘What would I say?'

It is a genuine request for help. He is hoping Maddie might have some insight for him, but she nods in agreement as though the question is rhetorical.

As she looks back at the picture, relief is pouring through him. He doesn't have to carry this problem alone any more. Maddie will help him sort it out.

He registers that her phone is ringing just before Maddie pulls it from her pocket. She is still staring at the photo when she answers, ‘Hey.' There's a pause. ‘I'm fine,' she says, and to Zac's dismay her voice has changed. It's slightly higher, she's talking faster, her arms are waving around. He wants to recapture his phone before she drops it. ‘Oh my god, I know. I'm at my uncle's. Well, actually I'm on the path in the middle of the wood, walking Arthur with Zac.' There's another delay, and she laughs and looks quickly at Zac and away again. ‘Stop it.' She listens a bit more. ‘Okay, sure, if you want to. You can come up through the back gate and we'll be with you in five minutes. I'm sure my aunt and uncle won't mind.'

Zac kneels down to fuss over Arthur as she talks. When she hands his phone back, she says what he already knows. ‘That was Jax.'

‘Yeah?'

‘Yeah, she wants to come and see me. Can we hurry to the gate, I've told her we'll meet her there in five minutes. She doesn't want to walk through the woods on her own.'