All or Nothing (12 page)

On Sunday afternoon Ben walked down the hallway of the Pediatric Unit. Presley didn’t disappoint when she turned her head, jaw slack and asked what he was doing there. “It doesn’t always have to be about you, you know?” he said, a playful glint forming around his eyes, while he lifted the corner of his mouth.

She grunted, then walked closer, out of earshot of the nurses’ station. “Very true. But seriously, I didn’t know you were coming by.” She lowered her voice after looking around to make sure there was no one close by. “You never said anything when you dropped me off at home earlier.”

“I didn’t know until about an hour ago.”

“Know what?” she asked, confused.

“Just something I need to do. Is Sarah in her room?”

“Yes,” Presley answered. “But her parents are in there with her.”

“Even better,” he said, then walked away, leaving her standing there gaping at him. She was too easy, he thought to himself, but he really did have another agenda.

Knocking on the doorframe to Sarah’s room, he noticed her parents sitting together quietly watching the TV with the volume turned down low, Sarah lying in bed looking both upset and slightly weary. Her eyes were red and swollen, obviously having spent some time crying, and her parents’ eyes didn’t look much better.

“Ben,” Sarah said, pulling herself up higher on the bed. “What are you doing here?”

“That seems to be the question of the day,” he said with a tentative smile, then walked further into the room, noting the perplexed looks coming from her parents.

“Mom, Dad, this is Ben. He works in the security unit here.”

There was no reason to correct her. No one needed to know he was the director. It wasn’t important. Nor did it have anything to do with why he was there. “Do you have a minute?”

“Ah, sure.” She looked at her parents nervously as the color started to rise up her neck.

Ben nodded, ignored her embarrassment, and pulled his laptop out of the shoulder bag he had been carrying. He opened it up, waited for the connection and then said, “Are you there, Petty Officer Johnson?”

“Yes, sir,” could be heard loud and clear, followed by the stunned gasps from Sarah and her parents.

Turning the laptop around, he placed it on the table in front of Sarah, where her parents had just rushed over to see their son’s smiling face on the screen. “You have ten minutes. Make them count,” Ben said, then exited the room.

Shutting the door behind him, he came face-to-face with Presley, tears in her eyes. “How did you manage that?”

“I’ve got connections.” She didn’t need to know he called in a few favors. Last week after talking to Sarah, he had gone home and done some research. His family was clueless to the consulting work he still did for the Navy, and he was just as happy to keep it that way. One perk was, he still had a high security clearance, allowing him to access information on Petty Officer Johnson fairly quickly.

It hadn’t taken long for him to find where Ethan Johnson was stationed and call in the favor. Thankfully, the commanding officer was a friend of Ben’s and was more than willing to allow the simple phone call. But ten minutes was the limit.

So Ben had arranged everything, sat back, kept the secret to himself and was just waiting for the final okay on the time of the call. Which had only been confirmed an hour earlier.

“That’s exactly what Sarah needs right now. She’s really scared,” Presley said, knuckling a tear from her eye. “How did you know about her brother?”

“Part of our conversation a few days ago on Thanksgiving. I noticed the picture of her brother. It hadn’t been there before.”

“No, her parents brought the picture over last week. They hoped it would give her strength. Things are pretty touch and go right now.” She sniffled a little, then looked at the ceiling trying to compose herself. “The doctors aren’t sure if these next treatments are going to work.”

Ben reached for Presley’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know. She told me. I hoped this would help, even if it was only mentally. She needs to be as strong as possible right now.”

“Yeah, she does.”

Ben didn’t know how Presley did it. How she could watch these kids—kids that were so sick and might not make it—day in and day out. He had seen enough death in his life, but not children. Never children. “Their time is almost up. I could only secure ten minutes on the channel I needed to go through, so I can’t push past it even a second.”

He opened the door, walked in and tried not to show how much it affected him to see Sarah crying on the bed, along with her parents. But he heard Ethan loud and clear, his voice touched with emotion that he was struggling to fight through. Trying to be brave for Sarah. “Sarah, think strong. You can do this. I’m counting on you to be at the airport to greet me in a few months, so stay strong for me.”

Ben watched Sarah nod, then walked over and told them to say their goodbyes. A moment later he turned the laptop around, saw the tears in Petty Officer Johnson’s eyes, and him fighting to pull it together. “Stay safe,” Ben ordered.

Ethan’s voice boomed through the computer. “Hoorah, Commander Harper.”

***

“So, you do exist.” Presley told Ben the following Thursday after she stepped out of the parking garage elevator and saw him standing in the doorway to the security office. He most likely had seen her driving through a few minutes ago.

“What?” he asked, confusion evident on his face.

She tried not to chuckle at his one raised eyebrow. Leaning around his shoulder, she peered inside the office and saw one of his officers sitting in front of the monitors, a knowing grin on his face. “Nothing,” she mumbled.

He turned around, saw the officer continuing to smile at them, and pulled her aside out of hearing distance. “What about me existing?”

“I thought I dreamed you up last night,” she said, running a hand over his shoulder and down his arm. “There was no trace of you around when I woke up.” She didn’t want to tell him how much it bothered her that when she finally woke up, not only was his side of the bed cold, but there wasn’t any indication of him in her house at all.

He had come over the night before, her day off, and she had cooked him a nice meal. It seemed to be a routine for them—Wednesday night dinners. But instead of leaving a few hours later, he spent the night and had brought a change of clothes with him for the next day.

When she saw it was eight in the morning, she knew he had to be gone, but she had expected he would have woken her up, or at least left a note. Something. Instead, the only sign he’d been in her apartment at all was a damp towel hanging in the bathroom from his shower. And try as she might, it
really
bothered her that she never heard him make a sound the entire time he was getting ready.

“I’m disappointed. I thought for sure last night was pretty memorable. At least it was for me,” he added. “I can come over tonight after your shift and give you a reminder.”

She laughed. As much as she wanted to say yes, that was too dangerous. Not two nights in a row, not yet. Instead she pointed out reasonably, “I won’t even be home until around midnight.”

“So. I’ll probably still be up. Or better yet, why don’t you come to my house after your shift?”

She tilted her head to the side, trying to think of a response. He obviously noticed her unease. “Or we can wait until your day off on Saturday if you want?” he offered.

She appreciated he took the pressure off. Because he was being so thoughtful, she almost took him up on the offer. “Why don’t we wait until Saturday? By the time I get to your house tonight and get settled, I would be lucky to get a few hours of sleep before I’d need to get up and leave when you did.”

“Why would you need to get up when I did?”

“You have to go to work.”

“So? You can stay at the house and leave when you’re ready. Just lock up on your way out.”

Whoa, dangerous territory here. Moving a bit too fast for her.

“Presley,” he said, sensing her mood change. “It’s not a big deal. No pressure. I told you, in my family we all run in and out of each other’s houses. It’s the norm. Think about it. You don’t even have to answer me right now. I’ll still be up when you get out of work. Go wherever your car takes you,” he said softly.

She nodded. It would give her time to decide, but she was pretty sure her car would be taking her home after her shift. She wasn’t sure she was ready for two nights in a row, or being in his house alone. “I need to go punch in.” Since he had been so agreeable just now, she leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek, not even caring that his officer could see them.

Walking to the Pediatric Ward she started to think—what was she so afraid of?

She was used to being on her own, and had been for so long. She didn’t know how to rely on someone else, how to be with someone else, or even how to have someone around so much. That was the hard part when it came down to it, having someone around her so much.

She liked her privacy and her time alone. And she was pretty sure he did too. No use getting in each other’s face more than necessary. Right now they had a good routine, one that was working well for both of them.

He was getting to her, though. Little things he did. He knew she was uneasy around guns. Ever since that first night they were together, he had made a point to remove his gun before they undressed—she never knew where he put it but was pretty sure it was in her house.

The first time she was in his house, she had looked around for more guns, positive he had more than a few, but she never saw them, or any signs of them. She wasn’t snooping by any means, but she figured there might be a gun case around or something, except she never saw anything.

Again, obviously he was being considerate of her unease. And she was really thankful he hadn’t pushed her on the subject. There was no way she was ready to go into any details of her past, let alone her reason for fearing guns.

Aside from the guns, it was everything else he did. Bringing her lunches, little text messages now and again. He even sent her flowers one day. By now, everyone in her ward knew she and Ben were dating. Kind of hard to keep it a secret at this point, and there wasn’t really a reason to.

He always kept her on her toes, never doing the same thing twice. Like today, asking her to come over after her shift. She never knew what was going on in his head and he always kept her guessing.

But if she had to pinpoint one thing that softened her toward him, it had to be the day he set the call up for Sarah with her brother. In that one moment, she got a glimpse of what it might be like to be in an actual relationship with someone. A normal relationship. To want to spend time with someone, want to be around them, and want to actually give up some of her space and privacy. And maybe, just a little bit, give up some of her independence.

That was what was scaring her the most.

In the end, she drove home after her shift despite the fact she really wanted to go to his house. At one point, she started to turn her car in that direction, but then chickened out and went home instead.

The minute she walked in the door she wished she hadn’t though. Realization dawned. She wanted to spend the night with him and almost turned around, walked back out the door and drove across town to his place. Instead, she made a cup of tea, brought it back to her bedroom, and sipped it in bed while she looked through an old photo album from her childhood.

Turning page after page, reminiscing over fond memories—which were so long ago and diminishing rapidly—fighting back the emotions and thinking of Ben. She needed to make some serious decisions soon because things were moving fast with Ben, and she had to decide if she was ready to take the step toward him.

He hadn’t said anything different, hadn’t acted any different, or even put pressure on their relationship. But she knew enough about him by now—and his family. His family was close, closer knit than anything she had ever witnessed. He was slowly pulling her into his life. She wanted to be part of that life—wished to be part of it more than anything she had wished for in her adult life.

Those fears that had lingered in her mind for years had to be pushed back first though. Fears of being left alone again if things didn’t work out. It was too early to even know right now. For as much as she knew about him, there was still plenty that she didn’t. Surprisingly, she wanted to. She wanted to know what made him tick, what made him move, and what made him into the man he was today.

He hadn’t talked about Trent at all since that one night a week ago when he had a nightmare. But one other night he was mumbling in his sleep, whispered sounds, urgent sounds, and she swore she heard Trent’s name.

There was definitely something going on there. He was good at hiding whatever it was. Nevertheless, she saw. She had a feeling Kaitlin did too, and that was what Kaitlin had meant weeks ago when she said she hoped Presley helped Ben heal.

Presley was good at keeping secrets. She had plenty of them herself, which was why she sensed that Ben did also.

Besides the situation with Trent, whatever that might be, Presley had a feeling there were more secrets that Ben had. Secrets about his past in the service that no one knew about and would never know.

So until she could get a grasp on them, or how he was handling them, she was going to stay one step back regardless. She didn’t need to take on someone else’s past, not when hers was enough to overwhelm her as it was.

There would always be obstacles in their way until they both came clean. Unfortunately, she wasn’t sure she could ever come clean with her past. Not the complete truth of it all. Some things were just too hard to share with anyone.

***

Ben had a feeling that Presley wasn’t going to show up at his house. He wasn’t even sure why he made the offer. Well, he knew why. He wanted to spend another night with her, be with her, hold her tight, and feel the comfort of her body next to his.

The two nights a week they saw each other outside of work didn’t seem to be enough. This week was the first he actually spent the night at her house when he had to work the next day. Before that, they had only been spending Saturday nights together.

When she asked him this morning if he existed, he froze for a second, stood still and held his breath, trying to school his features. He had trained hard for years to blend in, not be seen, and not exist, so to speak.

It bothered him more than he cared to admit that she thought that or felt all those things he’d tried to erase. He was trying so damn hard to shed those parts of his past, parts that he needed to shed in order to move on. Parts he didn’t want the people closest to him to know about.

Under it all, he was afraid he hurt her, regardless of the fact he thought he was being considerate by not waking her when he left this morning. It had been early, and she looked so peaceful sleeping, something he never seemed to manage. Sleeping peacefully.

Now he knew, though. So he would let her know when he was leaving if she was still asleep. It wasn’t too much to ask, and she never asked him for anything.

This morning, when he opened the bedside drawer to take his gun out, he reached in further than normal, and his hand brushed against cold metal. The week prior, he had looked in the drawer, not being nosy, but wanting to make sure it was safe to store his gun in there on nights he was at her house. He knew she was uneasy around it, so he liked to tuck it away without her seeing it.

The drawer had looked satisfactory to him back then, just a few pieces of paper, and a book. Nothing major. Except this morning when he reached in, there was more, something thick and metal. Curious, he quickly pulled it out, leaned over the bed, picked up his phone and lit it up so he could see what he was holding.

It was a picture frame, double sided and closed. When he opened it, he saw a family photo. A younger version of Presley standing next to what looked to be an older brother and her parents.

She had never mentioned having a sibling, never even talked about her parents for that matter. Nothing more than that they weren’t around. All he knew was that she had been on her own since she was eighteen.

His first instinct was to run a background check on her when he got home from work today. But he didn’t. He was going to hold off and hope maybe she would come to him with anything. He only wanted to make sure she wasn’t in any kind of trouble, wasn’t running from the law or hiding from someone.

He just needed to know, needed to know so he could prepare to protect her if need be. But nothing indicated any signs of her hiding or being scared, so he brushed that aside and told himself not to overreact. He wasn’t living that life anymore, the life where he had to look at every angle to see what might be lurking in the dark.

He was a good judge of people and went with his gut. Whatever it was Presley was hiding, he was sure it was more personal or emotional, rather than illegal.

And because he had his own demons right now, he wasn’t going to search for hers. But he would soon, because he wanted to know. Wanted to know what made her tick.

She was fascinating to him. Everything about her. Her strength and independence was admirable—and sexy as hell. She was confident, knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask. Or take. And she wasn’t afraid of him. That was important.

Too many women in his past loved how dangerous he was, how dangerous he came across, but they were still scared of him deep down. He didn’t want that, and never had.

Presley may have had secrets, but being scared of him wasn’t one of them.

***             

The next night, Friday, after Presley’s shift, without thought, she found her car heading toward Ben’s house. She didn’t even care that it was close to midnight and that he might be asleep and not expecting her. Shaking her head, she doubted it. It seemed he never slept.

He had never said a word about her going home after her shift yesterday, and neither did she. She appreciated that, appreciated that he had made the offer and then never brought it up again. It took the pressure off, and that suited her.

But right now, she needed to see him, and it scared her. Normally after a day like she had today, she would go home and cry in the quiet of her own home. Get it all out of her system, purge out the emotions of the day, and go in fresh the next shift. Thankfully she didn’t need to go in tomorrow, and having the day off would help.

Regardless, she still needed to get everything bottled up out. From past experience, if she held it in too much or too long, she was useless to the kids. They needed her to be there one hundred and ten percent for their care. Her own fears and clouded emotions could affect her job, and she wouldn’t allow that to happen.

Not for her and definitely not for those she cared for. They needed her, depended on her, and she needed to feel wanted and depended on. She knew nothing else, no other way. Her entire life, even as a child, someone had relied on or depended on her. She had no one
she
could lean on.

Today was rough though, rougher than she thought it would be. Even though she had prepared herself for it, preparing and seeing were two different things.

So here she was driving to Ben’s house. Why, she really didn’t know. She only knew she couldn’t be alone.

She turned down his street and saw most of the houses were dark. Slowing down to a crawl in front of his driveway, she noticed all the lights on the first floor were off. The upstairs looked just as dark, though she noticed a flicker of light in his bedroom, probably the TV. Second-guessing herself, she hit the gas and drove by, only to end up circling the block and coming around in front of his house again.

This time she pulled to the curb, put the car in park and sat there with the engine running, the heat on, just thinking. Trying to decide what the next step would be.

After a few minutes and several deep breaths, she made the decision to drive back home. Before she could put the car in drive, her phone went off. Reaching over, she pulled it out of her purse, looked at the screen and read.
What are you waiting for?

With a start, she turned to look at the front porch and saw Ben standing in the doorway behind the glass screen door, wearing sweats and a T-shirt, watching her sit in the car.

Shoving the phone back in her purse, she put the car in drive, pulled into his driveway, shut the engine off and made her way to his front door. Wordlessly he held the door open, then shut it behind her, took one look at her and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight.

The tears started to flow. Helpless to control them at all, she just let them pour out like a waterfall rushing over the cliff. He ran his hand down the back of her head, over her back, and then up again. “What’s wrong? What happened?” he asked, trying to mask the distress in his voice, regardless of the tension in his body.

“Sarah,” she said with a hiccup, then sucked in another breath.

He pushed her back fast, searching into her eyes fearfully. “She didn’t…”

“No,” Presley rushed out. “But she isn’t doing well. The treatments are hitting her hard. I knew they would, we all did, but today was bad, the worst day yet.” Today was the fifth day of her new treatment plan. The drugs were slowly trying to kill the rare cancer in her body, but in doing so, made her weaker than she ever had been. Watching Sarah struggle to sit up in bed—and even then it was only to lean over the side to throw up—was too much for Presley to bear.

Lots of children had passed through the hospital in the years since she’d worked there, but no one had touched her as much as Sarah, and Presley wasn’t sure why. She only knew Sarah held her heart, strong and firm, and suspected Sarah had a place in Ben’s as well.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He pulled her coat off and tossed it over the staircase banner, then led her up the stairs to his room. Slowly undressing her with care—as he would an infant—he discarded her scrubs, then pulled one of his old Navy T-shirts over her head.

When he tried to urge her to bed, she shook her head and walked into the bathroom, brushed her teeth after finding an unopened spare in his cabinet, then finished up and walked back out to find him already lying down.

He tossed the covers back and scooted over for her to climb in next to him. She noticed he had already undressed and was only wearing a pair of boxers now, but was too exhausted in mind and body to even appreciate it. Pulling her over, he tucked her back up against his stomach, with his arm resting over her. Kissing her shoulder softly, he said, “Just let it out, Presley. You don’t always have to fight it.”

It was all he needed to say, and the dam broke. Sobbing uncontrollably in his bed, her body shaking, she trembled with fear and grief. His arm around her, his warm breath on her neck comforting her, she realized she had let a part of herself go to him that she never had to anyone else before.