All My Secrets (27 page)

Kit sits next to me, holding my hand and occasionally suggesting we go for a walk along the corridor to get some privacy. I point out that there’s a police officer stationed on the other
side of the door.

‘He’ll follow us if we go too far,’ I whisper so that Josh and Pepper can’t hear. ‘We wouldn’t have any privacy.’

‘Then I want to come home with you when your dad picks you up,’ Kit whispers back.

I can’t see Dad agreeing to that. Which makes me feel relieved. Which makes me feel mean. I keep looking over at Josh, but since our escape from Gavin he’s been strangely quiet and
is now, in the absence of his MP3player and guitar, hunched over a music magazine he’s picked from the selection on the hospital waiting-room table.

Perhaps he’s gone off me. I could hardly blame him after what my uncle has put him through. Or perhaps he never really liked me in the way I imagined. After all, he’s never actually
talked
about how he felt. When I think about it, nothing more than that single brush of the lips has ever passed between us.

Maybe he doesn’t like me that much after all.

As I hunker down in my chair, the door is flung open and a tall, elegant woman rushes inside.

‘Peps,’ she breathes. ‘Oh, Peps, are you all right?’

Pepper jumps to her feet, her cheeks flushing. ‘I’m fine, er, Mum, I—’

‘Oh, come here, darling.’ The woman extends her arms. She is very slim and dressed in a dark green coat that fits like it’s been specially made for her. Which, I reflect, it
quite possibly has. Diamonds glitter on her fingers.

Pepper submits to the hug as a big black man strides into the room. His suit looks as expensive as the woman’s coat. He has to be Pepper’s dad.

‘Is she OK?’ he barks.

‘She says she’s fine,’ Pepper’s mum says with a sniff, drawing her daughter into another hug.

‘Well, don’t suffocate her,’ the man snaps, an edge to his voice that reminds me very much of Pepper’s own.

Pepper herself steps back, rolling her eyes. ‘Hi, Dada,’ she says.

‘Home,’ the man says. He looks cross. I wonder if he’s angry because of Pepper’s behaviour before coming to Lightsea, or because of her mum acting all emotional, or just
because he’s a cross person.

I suddenly miss my own dad very much.

Pepper sweeps over. She gives each of the boys a swift hug, then pulls me into a bigger clinch.

‘Keep in touch,’ she breathes in my ear. Then she lowers her voice further. ‘Go with your heart; listen to what it tells you. Go with your heart.’ She draws back, gives
me a huge wink, then sweeps out. She’s followed by her parents, neither of whom have given us a second glance.

Once Pepper leaves, the room feels emptier. The atmosphere grows tense as we all sit in silence, wondering who will be picked up next. I really want it to be Kit. That will give me a chance to
talk to Josh in private, maybe get a sense of how he feels.

But the next time the door opens, an hour later, it’s my own parents who hurry in. After the elegant and expensive whirl of Pepper’s mum and dad, they seem very ordinary, their
clothes creased from their journey and their hair rumpled and messy. Dad’s face is pale with worry and exhaustion.

As he holds me, some of the tension of the past few days slides away. For the first time since our ordeal, I start to feel that everything will eventually be OK. I look up. Mum is hovering
across the room, looking anxious.

I hold out my hand and she hurries over, then the three of us stand and hug. Dad doesn’t want to let me go, but at last I disentangle myself, aware that the two boys must be watching
us.

‘This is Kit and this is Josh,’ I say. ‘They helped me . . . all of us . . . get away from Gavin.’

Dad shakes both their hands, his thanks pouring out of him.

‘Come on, Evie,’ he says. ‘I’m sure you want to get home as fast as possible. If we go straight to the airport, we can get a flight back in time to pick up the twins
from—’

‘Wait, Dad,’ I say. ‘There’s something I need to talk to you about before we go. It can’t wait.’

‘Er, OK.’ Dad frowns.

I clear my throat. I’ve been planning this question for hours, but now the time has come it’s hard to speak, especially with the boys here.

Josh seems to sense my awkwardness. He stands up. ‘Kit and I can wait outside.’

‘Sure,’ Kit says. He and Josh leave the room. Mum and Dad sit in their seats.

‘What is it, Evie?’ Dad asks, leaning forward with a frown.

I take a deep breath. ‘Uncle Gavin said a whole lot of stuff about Irina and Mr Lomax told me she was a patient at Lightsea years ago too . . . that she was mentally ill, that she . . .
did all sorts of bad things . . .’

Dad’s face pales. ‘Oh, Evie.’

‘Is any of it true?’ I ask.

He nods.

I take a deep breath. ‘Gavin also said that . . . that Irina killed herself.’

There’s a long pause.

‘Dad?’ I ask, my voice very small.

‘Irina loved you very much,’ Dad says.

Beside him, Mum puts a hand on his knee. ‘It’s time.’ She looks at me sorrowfully. ‘I told Dad you were old enough to hear the truth, but it was hard for him.’

Dad bows his head. I wait, but he still doesn’t speak.

‘Dad,’ I say, my voice stronger. ‘I know you want to protect me, but I think there have been too many secrets already, don’t you?’

Dad looks up at last, his eyes full of misery. ‘It’s true. It was a suicide, but not because of you. Irina did love you in her way. It was life that she couldn’t handle, the
dark stuff that went on in her head . . . She was always either very up or very down.’

‘Was
that
why you didn’t want to tell me anything about her?’ I ask, leaning forward, intent on his face. ‘Because she killed herself and . . . and you
didn’t want me to know I wasn’t enough for her to live for?’

Dad nods again.

‘I see,’ I say, feeling hollow.

‘I don’t think you really
do
see, Evie,’ Mum says gently. ‘You can’t possibly see fully right now. It takes time to understand properly, to come to terms
with something like that. But your dad and I will do our best to help you and there are people out there, professionals, who can try and help too.’

I look up. ‘Like Mr Lomax tried?’

Dad rolls his eyes. ‘Mr Lomax said I should tell you the truth about Irina from the start.’

I think back to Mr Lomax’s awkward reaction when I said I needed to know about Irina’s death. No wonder he looked like he was hiding something. He was hiding the truth, just as Dad
had told him to.

‘I’m sorry, Evie,’ Dad says, squeezing my hand. ‘There are lots of things I should have explained; I see that now.’

‘Gavin said there’s a safety-deposit box?’

‘Yes, there is. It’s part of your inheritance; the papers arrived from Mr Treeves while you were away, along with a letter offering to help find us a specialist financial advisor,
like lottery winners have, to help you handle the money. If . . . if you think that’s a good idea?’

I nod.

‘I
should
have told you everything, but it just never felt like the right time.’ Dad looks up, tears in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart.’

I gaze into his unhappy face and squeeze his hand back. ‘I’m just glad I have you,’ I say with a smile. Then I reach out and take Mum’s hand. ‘I’m glad I have
you both.’

Kit and Josh are waiting outside as we leave the room. Kit hurries over as soon as we appear. He draws me to one side, then leans his handsome face close to mine.

‘I’ll call you later, maybe we can meet up at the weekend.’

I nod, feeling awkward. It will be good to see Kit. I like him. And he is gorgeous. Everyone at school will envy me if we go out together. And yet that cartwheeling feeling I had the first few
times I saw him is long gone. I no longer look at him and fancy him, in spite of his good looks. I no longer think about him when we aren’t together. I no longer want him to kiss me.

As he hugs me, I look over his shoulder at where Josh is skulking by the window. Why isn’t he looking at me?

I raise my hand. ‘Bye, Josh.’

Josh throws me a swift glance, his arm raised in a brief wave. ‘See ya.’

He hasn’t even bothered to ask for my number or where he’ll find me online or how far away from him I live.

Tears prick at my eyes. I pull away from Kit.

‘Don’t cry,’ he says, misunderstanding my tears. ‘We’ll see each other soon.’

Nodding, I turn and hurry away. My heart feels like lead in my chest as I follow Mum and Dad down the staircase. We reach the lobby on the ground floor.

‘I’ll bring the hire car round,’ Dad says.

Mum and I stand against the wall, waiting. My mind races over everything that has happened, snapshots of the past week speeding through my head: seeing Irina’s ‘ghost’ through
the trees that first evening, the stones in the cave spelling out her initials, dancing with Josh as the storm raged, Anna’s face when she turned around on Easter Rock, Gavin’s gun
pressed against Josh’s neck, the thought – clear and terrible – that Josh might die, and finally the whisper of Pepper’s voice in my ear:

Go with your heart
.

My breath hitches in my throat. What did I just say to Dad? That there had already been too many secrets.

Go with your heart; listen to what it tells you. Go with your heart
.

‘I forgot to do something,’ I say to Mum. ‘I won’t be a minute.’

And then I turn and race back up the stairs.

I reach the top of the first flight of stairs. The waiting room is another two floors up. Head down, I charge to the next staircase.

And run smack into Josh on his way down.

‘Ow,’ he says, rubbing his arm. ‘That thing I said back in the cave about you not being clumsy? Maybe I was wrong.’

‘Sorry,’ I say. My throat is dry. ‘What are you doing?’

Josh says nothing. A group of nurses hurry past us, chattering excitedly. They disappear down the stairs. Josh and I are alone again.

‘Josh?’ My mouth is dry. ‘Where are you going?’

‘I was coming to find you,’ he says, meeting my gaze.

My heart flips over. ‘Find me?’

‘OK, here goes.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I really like you, Evie. That is, I think you can be stubborn and crazy and really impatient when you’re not getting your own
way, but you’re also beautiful inside and out and the most amazing, brave person I’ve ever met, and I’m not leaving here without letting you know how I feel, which you can throw
back in my face if you want because I can see you’re with Kit, and we all know he’s like this perfect guy, but he’s
not
perfect for you, Evie, because
I
am. Just
as you’re perfect for me. Not perfect. Just perfect for me.’

We stare at each other. Josh’s expression is part defiant, part terrified. I smile as something inside me settles into place.

‘Wait here,’ I say.

I turn and race up to the waiting room. Kit is standing by the door, deep in conversation with a middle-aged man who must be his dad.

‘Evie.’ His expression brightens as he sees me.

‘Listen.’ I draw him away from his father.

‘What is it?’ Kit asks.

‘It’s us,’ I whisper, keeping my eyes fixed on his. ‘It’s wrong. That is, not right. That is, I like you, but I don’t want to go out with you any more.
I’m truly sorry I got it wrong . . . but everything was so crazy before and now I know that anything more than being friends wouldn’t be right.’

‘No.’ Kit stares at me. ‘We belong together.’

‘We don’t,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t.’

‘I don’t want to let you go,’ Kit whispers.

I chew on my lip, feeling awful. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

‘You have to let me go,’ I say. ‘Because what you’re letting go of isn’t even real.’

‘Kit? I’ve got your mother on the phone.’ Kit’s father strides over, holding out his mobile.

Kit hesitates, his eyes still on me.

‘Please.’ I smile. ‘Friends?’

Kit frowns. ‘Of course, but—’ He tails off, shaking his head.

‘Thank you.’ I turn and fly back down the stairs.

Josh is waiting where I left him. I slow as I reach him. He raises an eyebrow. I smile.

‘Wanna hear my new song?’ he asks, leaning back against the wall.

‘Is it about me?’

‘Hell, yeah,’ Josh says. ‘Although after
that
being your immediate reaction I’m definitely adding “big-headed” to the list of your personality traits
we ran through the other day.’

‘Add what you like,’ I say with a grin, drawing closer.

‘How about adding this?’ Josh says.

And he takes my face in his hands and we kiss.

Perfect for me.