All My Life (5 page)

“I’ll go look for her.” He turns to go but then stops and glances back. “And Kari…thanks.” I watch his fingers as they press gingerly against his tattoo. “It’s the best I’ve ever seen. Agnas is right you know…you’ve got what it takes.”

I stare at his retreating figure and wonder about what it is that has Agnas so bothered and Neil so worried. Then I clean up all the tools and leave for home.

Mom’s working in late again and what’s worse is that it’s a Saturday. My turn for cooking dinner.

After much debating, I decide on the eternal favorite. Spaghetti and meat balls.

I scrounge around the kitchen, looking for some meat. I come up with just two sorry-looking sausages but it’s more than enough for me.

I’ll be the only one hogging them because Mom doesn’t even look at meat. She is big on being a vegan. Well, as long as the veggies she partakes are frequently interspersed with coffee, cigarettes and wine. It’s what I call…vegan with benefits.

Me? I can eat anything and everything, with or without a face. Mom tried everything to lure me away from meat but I could not be cured. When I was younger it was emotional blackmail. How could I ever refuse the chunky soy burgers which had been made with so much love and hard work? I tried them for a whole month before even the thought of soy would make me hurl. When I got older, she went subliminal. Pictures of cows grazing in fields as screen-savers, stuffed toy rabbits for birthdays. Then two years ago, Dad left and Mom went ballistic. Ads with celebrities dressed as tortured seals, naked supermodels detailing bovine parts on their nude, size zero bodies.

And yet. Here I am, squeezing the hell out of my sausages to make meatballs. Living the life.

The sauce turns out well and I take out half of it for Mom before spiking mine with the meatballs. A car door shuts on the street outside and a few seconds later, Mom comes in juggling her enormous bag and a huge pile of folders which promptly collapses on the floor as soon as she makes it inside the house.

We scamper across the floor, trying to collect all the papers that have slipped out. “Mom! Have you even heard of the digital revolution? Who carries paper anymore?”

“My boss, that’s who. I have a sneaky suspicion Carl doesn’t know how to use computers.”

“Come on, Mom! That’s impossible. He hosts the morning news for Christ’s sake!”

“Oye, that still doesn’t tell us a blimey thing.”

“Yeah. Real mature, Mom. Making fun of someone’s accent.”

“Jeez, Kari. Lighten up.” She gives me a pat on the head and then walks off to her study to put away all her things.

“What’s for dinner?” Mom asks as she enters the kitchen and I watch with amusement as her step falters when she notices the table. Two plates piled high with spaghetti and a thick well of tomato sauce in-between. Mine with the added luxury of meatballs.

“Oh! Kari. I love you!” she gushes as we sit down. “I think we should dump this alternate day arrangement and let you take on all the cooking. You’re so much better at it than I am!”

I smirk as I pick up my fork. “Yeah, if you start paying me for it.”

Mom’s fork-full of spaghetti pauses in mid-air as she looks up to give me a glare. “Why do you suddenly need so much extra cash?”

Uh-oh. Busted. And I’ve set myself up for it this time, haven’t I? Quick! Think of something, Kari!

“I did my first tattoo today!” I spurt out and then wonder if I’ve just jumped right into the fire. But I should have realized this was my Mom I was talking to. You can’t pull off any kind of evasion tactics with her. Not even with my delicious spaghetti sauce fogging her brain.

“Really? Great! So since you’re doing so well there, they must be paying you and
that
apart from the pocket money is quiet a hefty sum. Where are you spending all of it?”

I wave my empty fork in the air. “You know, books, clothes, the works.”

“More clothes?”

“A girl can never have too many clothes, Mom.”

“When I was your age…”

“NO. No, Mom. Please. Any sentence that starts with those five words is grounds for a change in subject. And look I’ve already finished my dinner.”

Mom lets out a deep tragic sigh. “Alright. There is one more subject I have to talk to you about.”

My ears prickle with alarm as she uses the two code red words in the same sentence.
Talk
and
subject
. Heaven have mercy on my soul!

“O-kay. What is this
subject
?”

“Your Dad called and he said you’re not replying to any of his e-mails or returning his calls. Why is that?”

I shrug my shoulders in response.

“And in teen-speak that means what exactly?”

“Christ! It’s just that I’ve been busy, okay? I’ll write something to him before I sleep.”

“Okay, but…” Thankfully, Mom’s phone dings right at that same instant. Her attention diverted, I quickly get up and dump my plate in the sink.

“Kari, I’ll do the dishes. Just leave them there,” she says without taking her eyes off the phone.

“Okay, Mom. Goodnight.” I kiss her on the cheek and make my escape to the safety of my room. Without switching on the lights, I go straight across to the window.

Neil or Agnas must have closed down the shop because all the shutters have been pulled down. I glance up and notice that the apartment lights are still on. I wonder what Neil’s up to. I wonder if the red-nailed stiletto-wearing bimbo is there with him right now. Then I wonder if me standing here in the dark, trying to pry into his living room counts as stalker behavior. It does. It completely does. 
Psycho!

I feel the scorning eyes of Kermit, my childhood tag-along, burning craters into my back. I promptly walk across to my study table and turn him so he faces the wall.

Then after a quick bath, I power on my laptop and send a perfunctory e-mail to Dad. Basically an I’m okay, you’re okay, everything is A-okay. It’s the least I can do. He is paying for my college tuition after all.

Finally, I take my lying, deceiving body and slump it down on the bed. When I open my eyes next, its morning again and that’s when it all comes rushing back to me.

Drawing in a lungful of air, I shoot up from my bed. Then without wasting another second, I tear off my clothes and scramble towards the shower. I scrub him off me, off my body, my face, my lips. I scrub till my skin is raw, till the soap stings me back to sanity.

I dress up hurriedly wearing the first set of clean clothes I can find. I have to leave home before Mom wakes up and insists on her Sunday breakfast ritual.

Once I’m out of the house and on the street, I allow myself to relax. Then I head out to start my usual Sunday morning walk in the park close-by.

Early mornings turn our community park into a post-apocalyptic disaster zone. Crumpled bits of fliers, plastic cups littered on the grass, steaming sewers and harried, hung-over or just plain grumpy ramblers. Ah! There’s the old couple who hates making eye-contact with the other morning walkers, there’s the paunchy man in his forties from the apartment above, the bouncy bimbo in spandex whose boobs move up an inch every time I see her, the ripped Italian dude who follows her trying hard to get in her good graces. I love each and every one of them. They are my reliable source of Sunday cheer.

I enter the park through the side gate and am just about to start my jog on the trail when I notice two people haggling in the corner ahead. One of them is
Eddie
.

My breath hitches and my feet freeze to the spot. If Eddie notices me, he will certainly harry me about the money or worse, draw me into whatever confrontation he’s having with that shady-looking guy. I have to get out of here.

Extremely wary of not bringing any attention to myself, I slowly do an about-turn and start walking back towards the gate.

But today is just not my day.

“Hey! Where’re you running off to?” Eddie’s snide voice halts me right in my tracks and my shoulders slump in defeat.

Dreading every moment of what I’m about to go through, I turn around to face him. I watch as he saunters towards me with that contemptuous smile on his face. Just watching that smile of his and I feel it growing inside me. Hatred. Deep, intense hatred. I hate him from the depths of my existence.

I hate his smug sneering face so much that my hands tremble with all the emotions bubbling inside me. “What are you doing here?” I ask him through gritted teeth.

He shifts his baseball cap the wrong way round. “Business as usual.”

“Yeah, that looked like business.” The jibe escapes me even though I know no good can come from pissing him off.

He raises his eyebrows in surprise and steps close. C
lose. Too close. 
“Well, well, well. Aren’t we feisty today?” He puts his hand on my shoulder and I suck in a breath at the disgust his touch unleashes through my body.

My spine snaps to attention and I clench my teeth. “Get your hands OFF OF ME!”

Just for a second, he’s taken aback by my reaction but then the element of surprise wears off and he smirks. “Why? What are you going to do?” My body shudders with revulsion as his hand moves and he runs the back of his fingers over my cheek. “What happened? Cat got your tongue?”

“Is everything okay?
Kari?
” The voice seems familiar and as I turn towards it, my anger instantly melts. Neil is standing there in his track pants, looking at me with such genuine concern on his face that it pushes me right over the edge. I quickly turn my head before the tears welling up in my eyes can give me away.

“We’re just talking,” Eddie says defensively. I look up to glare at him and to my surprise, I realize Eddie looks uneasy and
scared
? This is quite a surprise because even though Neil is taller, Eddie easily outweighs him. He is clearly the heftier guy.

“Yeah? Didn’t look like talking to me,” Neil replies curtly but his voice softens as he addresses me, “Kari? What’s the matter? What’s wrong?”

Eddie changes his tactic. “She’s my girl, okay? It’s just a misunderstanding.”

Something explodes inside me as I hear him call me
his girl
. For fuck’s sake! I am so done with him and his bullshit! I am done. Done. DONE.

“I AM NOT YOUR GIRL! And this is over. I’m not doing it anymore, okay? It’s just over. Don’t you dare call me again!” I swing around and march towards the gate. I hear someone coming after me but I don’t stop. I start running and keep going till I find myself back on my block, standing right in front of the shop. The shutters are still down so I collapse on the sidewalk, my body thunking against the metal. I drop my head back, close my eyes and drag in mouthfuls of air. Somebody lands right beside me and for a second, I think it’s Eddie.

A volcano erupts in my mind. What was I thinking telling him it’s over? It will never be over. Oh God! What have I done? What if he releases the video today? I have to stop him. Shaking with anxiety, I turn to face him. But it’s not Eddie. It’s Neil and he’s looking at me with concern and…
fear?

Now there is something to be said about a slip of a girl managing to scare a seven foot hunk with just her melodrama and tears. I don’t know why but right then watching that wary expression on Neil’s face snaps something inside me and I go hysterical with laughter. It’s the kind of laugh you let out when you realize your life is so messed up that nothing you do will ever make it right. When you know you’ve probably slotted yourself as an A-grade psycho and sentenced yourself to a long lonely life. I laugh till my tears run out. Till my body starts trembling with the after-effects of the adrenalin rush. The humor of the damned.

I feel Neil’s arms sliding across my shoulders and pulling me towards him. I grasp the life-line being offered and melt into his chest. We stay like that for a long time. My forehead on his shoulders, my face planted in his chest, me breathing deeply till the spice of his skin brushes away all my darkness.

“You should bottle that and sell it,” I mutter without thinking.

“What?”

Ohmigod.
Did I just say that out loud?!
Christ!
Just shoot me already and get it over it! This morning could not get any worse.

I slowly lift my head from his shoulder and pull away. “Nothing,” I say, as I use my sleeves to quickly wipe my face clean of all possible snot and streaks.

“
Nothing
?” I wince when I hear the smile in his voice. I look up at him and sure enough there is a wide grin stuck on his face.

Holy hell!
He heard me!
 I  feel the hot burn rising up from my neck to my face. Great! A snot-laden face turning an unsightly shade of red. Just perfect.

Then I realize, I’m staring at him and he’s …
gazing back at me
. And somehow the air between us has completely changed. The heated expression on his face sends a shiver down my spine and just for a moment, I want to believe. I want to feel what it would be like. If it were just him and me. No complications. No mess. No fear. Because right now, when he’s looking at me like I’m the only person he sees, it doesn’t scare me at all. Not one bit.

The roughness of his fingers grazes my skin as he cups my cheek and I allow myself to lean into his caress. When he lowers his lips on top of mine, it feels just like when he’d held my hand. Natural. Phenomenal. Unparalleled.

Our lips start moving in tandem, opening, tasting and releasing. And then the beat shifts. It becomes intense,
consuming
, so physically damning that my lips feel scorched. My body starts thrumming with a need so violent that I tremble to contain it.

When we break and come up for breath, we’re both breathless. And that’s when the panic strikes. How can I let myself get burnt again?
And so easily?
Jesus!
I’m a textbook case of victim complex.
Feels ashamed and blames herself?
Check
. Falls for promises that are meant to be broken?
Check.
Thinks sun will shine from assholes someday?
Check.

Neil rests his forehead against mine and even though my heart believes in the magic we’ve just created, my body pulls away. I notice a range of emotions flicker across his face. From surprise to a frown to that maddening concern.

“Kari, I’m sorry.” I cringe at the apology and he hastens to correct himself, “I’m not sorry it happened, just…I didn’t mean to take advantage.” He tucks a wisp of hair behind my ear.
Oh God!
Why does he have to be so
nice
? Why can’t he act like the regular assholes I am so used to dealing with? I pinch my forehead trying to bite back the dull throb building inside.

“I couldn’t help myself,” he says softly.

Oh-kay. Time to rise and shine. “Yeah. I think…it’s time…to open the shop? Isn’t it?” I get up and brush my pants free of any grime.

Neil doesn’t say anything and I refuse to look at him. Instead, I involve myself in essential grooming activities. I brush imaginary dirt off my fingernails, tighten my ponytail, remove a make-believe fleck from my eyelash. Then the other. Until I hear him let out a deep sigh. A clink and a clank later, Neil pulls up the shutter. He holds the door open for me and I walk in feeling irritated with his overtly gallant behavior. Too much niceness can also be a pain in the behind. Especially, when you know you don’t deserve it.

I settle into my work ignoring the looks he keeps giving me as he switches on the lights and turns over the door sign. But it’s not until he shuts the stairwell door behind him that I truly relax and start focusing on my design. Ten minutes later, Nalini walks in.

“Yo Mary Sue! Howiz zee?”

“
Hur mar du
?” I say without looking up.

I hear complete silence in response, so I look up and find Nalini holding her plush pink jacket in her outstretched arm frozen half-way towards the coat hanger. She is looking at me like my brain is mashed.

A second later, she seems to snap out of her daze and shakes her head. “Girl, you are in serious need of a night out. I’m not taking no for an answer, you are coming with us to the club tonight.”

“I’ve got an early-morning class tomorrow! I can’t stay up late!”

Nalini gives me a look then plugs her ears with her fingers and goes, “Lalalalalala. Lalalala.”

“Wow. Real mature, Nalini.”

With her hands still plugged in her ears, Nalini walks off towards the coffee machine. When she returns, she’s bearing a steaming cup of coffee in her hands.  “What did that even mean?” she asks, leaning against the counter.

“What did what mean?”

“That
hur mar
…weirdness you just threw at me?”

“Oh, that’s Swedish for ‘how are you?’”

Nalini twists her face in dismay. “
Why?”

“Because you called me Pippi Longstocking yesterday. Get it?”

Her dismay turns to horror. “
What
?!”

I give an exasperated sigh. “Oh! Come on. She’s Swedish?”

Nalini’s face dead-pans as she sits down and switches on the laptop. A second later, she turns and gives me a stern look. “Seven sharp. In front of the shop. We’ll pick you up. Oh and it’s a masquerade party! So wear a mask of some sort.”

Then after a few minutes of normalcy, during which I finish half of my design and Nalini does her morning chores of updating records and cleaning the piercing tools, Neil shows up again.

Dressed in blue jeans and a fitted black tee, he looks like the progeny of Ryan Gosling and Robert Pattinson. If they went that way. If this were a universe where such a thing was even possible. And if I don’t stop ogling at him right this second, I’ll probably stab myself with the inking machine buzzing in my hand. Thankfully, the object of my distraction soon disappears into the kitchenette.

“AHEM!”

Startled, I turn to look at Nalini. She wiggles her eyebrows at me and nods her head towards the coffee machine.

“Stop it,” I hiss at her.

She hisses back, “Why not? You keep molesting him with your eyes, might as well go talk to him.”

“I DO…” I shout and then immediately lower my voice, “I do not.”

“Uh-huh. You do know other girls would give an arm, a boob and a pinky just to breathe the same air as him? He’s…” Nalini has the sense to break it off as soon as Neil emerges. My nerves however need much more time for regaining composure. Cheeks woefully aflame, I bend my head and go back to my etching. From the corner of my eyes, I see Neil’s big black boots walk past me and head towards the counter.

“What’s up?” he asks Nalini in his gravelly voice. A voice that does giddy things to my entire body.
I really have to stop thinking like this.
But I can’t believe he kissed me!
Stop it
. What had he said? He couldn’t
help
himself. What did that even mean? Like he didn’t want to, but he did? Or he wanted to but shouldn’t have?
Seriously, you psycho, STOP IT!

“Still flapping,” I hear Nalini telling him.

“Good that. Agnas is not feeling well today. She said Kari could take on her clients or any other walk-ins.”

I stop inking and swing around to face them. “What?! No way.”

Both Nalini and Neil give me patient, condescending looks. The kind people give to their untrained domestic pets.
Oh, what are we going to do with this fluffy little biter?

I bite back. “Seriously. I can’t take on so many clients so soon and Sundays are the busiest!” I replay the sentence I’ve just uttered in my mind and realize that it sounds completely…
whore-ish.
I’m still mentally cringing at that wayward thought, when a hand drops on my shoulder and snaps me back to reality.

His eyes gazing straight into mine, Neil is standing right in front of me with an intense expression covering his face. Then he opens his mouth and tells me the most epic thing any guy has ever told any girl. “Kari, you are brilliant at what you do. I’ve seen you work. When you plug on that machine and start inking, I doubt if there is anything else that matters to you as much as etching a design so spectacular that it will mark a person for life…just the way you’ve marked me.”

He says this, smiles, turns around and then leaves the shop. Seconds later and I’m still standing there with my mouth open, feeling completely and absolutely dazzled.

Nalini’s voice cuts through my love-struck haze. “So last night I was watching TV and they had this movie on. I don’t know if you’ve seen it. This girl loves this guy on e-mail and hates the same guy in person? But she doesn’t know they’re both the same and when she realizes, she thinks she hates his guts. Only he gives this epic romantic monologue in the end and so she decides she can’t help but fall in love with him,” Nalini says it all in a single breath and then finishes off with a deep sigh.